Your Face Scares Me

The only way Gabriel Aubry could "upgrade" from Halle Berry is if he had a threesome with Shauna Sand and Queen on the Scene (P.S. - Where art thou, QOTS?!) on a bed made from the sheddings of the Shiba Inu 6 while Four Loko rained on top of them, so I won't even use the "downgrade" word to discuss these pictures of him with Kim Kardassian at the Lakers vs. Warriors game last night. Besides, there's really nothing to talk about because they are just sitting next to each other discussing their views on the debt crisis in Europe, obviously. That's it!

You know, there's a good chance that Gabriel doesn't even know he's sitting next to a Kardashian whore. Since Kim has a face like a cartoon panther, he probably thinks he's talking to the Warriors mascot.

The hardest and edgiest rabid raccoon in the dumpster behind a Hot Topic has revealed the secret ingredient to her Emo-approved angstface and why she's always shuffling around like someone just told her Emily the Strange died. It's because she eternally miiiiiiseeeeeeraaaaaaaable. And not in a "13-year-old who bases all of their manufactured emotions on Bright Eyes songs and not Cure songs because that would be soooo cliche" kind of way. She's like authentically miserable! You would be able to tell from the tears of misery that pour out of her eyes but the toxic sludge on her face disintegrates them before they get to cheek.

Just like any other whiny ass teenager, Taylor blames the gloom and doom on her parents who pushed her out onto the "babies only" part of the ho stroll at a young age. From Starpulse (via UsWeekly):

"Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?' My parents signed me up with Ford (modeling agency) at the age of two. No two-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn't have friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life."

Well, it's never too late to go back and live a "real life" childhood. So I suggest that Taylor takes a box of baby wipes to her face and crawls into the nearest kindergarten class room to play Barbies with the other kids. The nipple tape and vibrators will be waiting for her when she gets back (not really). And in the meantime, let's all give the sad panda a hug.

Because whether we like it or not, a sad panda gives all of us the sads.

I swear, Lil Wayne gets a paternity request as often as I get an anonymous e-card from inSPOT. Whoops, I got another in my inbox. And whoops, Lil Wayne's got another one in his inbox too. Yes, another one. Even Maury is through with Lil Wayne's gremlin sperm attacking ovaries and he no longer has the voice to narrate Weezy's paternity results.

A woman in Missouri claims that every time she stares into her 8-year-old grandchild's face, "Magic Dance" from Labyrinth plays in her head and this could only mean one thing: the kid is related to Lil Wayne! TMZ reports that while Lil Wayne was making soap bar art at Rikers, he was served with a court order forcing him to submit a DNA sample before December 9th. The legal papers state that the woman has reason to believe that Lil Wayne knocked up her daughter 8 years ago. The daughter's name isn't anywhere on the court papers and TMZ doesn't know why this is so.

If the DNA results prove that Lil Wayne's the father, the kid will be his fifth...that his ass knows of.

Weezy and all his baby mamas must be looking to spawn. I mean, everybody knows that if you're going to mess with Weezy like that, you not only have to put a condom over your head to blur the intensity of his face, but you also have to put a condom over every inch of your body! Weezy's all-powerful goblin chowder can seep through your pores and travel to your ovaries. You don't play with that. Dude seriously has bionic bunny sperm.

At Millions of Milkshakes (aka one of the rest stops off the Fame Whore Expressway) in Culver City last night, Kim "Chasing Dicks Since I Came Out The Womb" Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta teased the health department by debuting her own milkshake (made with wig cap sweat, Big Papa's nut juice, pieces of NeNe's old cartilage, Fashion Fair bronzer, and shredded foreclosure papers) while Michael Lohan watched. Yup, there's no way that milk stayed good with Michael Lohan and Kim Zolciak around.

Licking on a creamy white load is what made Kim Zolciak rich and famous, so she has definitely come full circle. I know, I know. I shouldn't throw hate. Kim is driving around in a leased Bentley convertible while I'm trying to get my warped Metro Card to work at the turnstile, so she wins this one.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to not stuff my mouth hole with shopping carts full of deep fried Wonder Bread and corn syrup sandwiches as usual, because I'm sick of being as bloated as a marshmallow in the microwave. Sucking in is hard work and should be an Olympic sport. And sucking in while trying to lick a nipple is pretty much impossible!

At the advice of my nutritionist/doctor (aka MY MOM), I've been trying to drink more water sans Kool-Aid and eat more things that grow out of the ground. It's gross, it's hurtful and it's messing with my emotions. So because of this, I'm looking at the above picture of Marilyn Manson at Spike TV's Scream Awards and all I see is a deep fried ball of dough that is overstuffed with raspberry pie filling and covered with powdered sugar. The raspberry filling is even seeping out a little. MAKE IT STOP! I should not look at Marilyn Manson's nutsack of a face and see dessert! And when I look at Mickey Rourke all I see is a delicious plate of chicken parm with a heaping splash of bread crumbs on top.

Fuckit. This has gone way too far. Healthy is obviously not for me. I'm going to Key Foods tonight to get a pack of unbaked pie dough and I'm going to proudly eat that shit while waiting in line to pay for it.

This panda knows what I'm talking about:

via ONTD

Seen here looking like the model of a gay escort ad found in the back pages of L.A. Weekly, actor Michael Copon is reportedly the latest dude who is dicking the plastic Caitian that is Kim Kardashian. Michael Copon looks like a wang wide receiver, but he doesn't have a contract with the NFL so file this blessed union of love under: STUNT QUEENS.

Michael and Kim have been friends since 2006 when they played boyfriend and girlfriend in some movie. They've kept in touch over the years, but now that she's shooting her shit show in NYC the two have started humping on each other. This is according to InTouch Weekly anyways. A source (aka Kris Jenner) says, "Kim is dating Michael. They have known each other for years, but he and Kim just recently reconnected. He'll definitely be making appearances on Kim's new TV show. They have been running in the same circles and going to the same events forever, but now they are hitting it off romantically. The timing is right for both of them."

Kris Jenner has got to come harder and pick out more believable leased pieces for Kim. They really want us to believe that this reduced fat Twinkie is shooting his cream all over Kim's extra fat Sno-Balls? Kim might be a big whore, but she doesn't rip her panty Spanx off unless you're wearing a jersey. And wearing your boyfriend's jersey doesn't count either!

Anyways, here's Kim taking her jacked up face and her titty fuck dress to the season finale party for The Spin Crowd in NYC last night. Khloe Kardashian also showed up looking like if GLOW's Mt. Fiji ate Hollywood and Vine. Only this bitch can pull off tiger print!

That side-eye Baby Mason is throwing is attached to a thought bubble that reads: "Why does the theme song to Alf play in my head every time I look at your nanunanuface?" But you know, the fact that Kim Kardassian's fucked up face looks like it's sponsored by the UFO Museum of Roswell is a good thing for Baby Mason's fate.

When Michelle Duggar's uterus finally escapes from her body's clutches and mutates into a rage-filled indestructible monster whose one goal is to destroy humanity (yup, this is how it's going to end), the aliens will arrive in their space ships to carry us off to a safer planet. Since Hollywood has taught us to fear all aliens, everybody will run away from them. But Baby Mason will crawl towards their asses screaming "Auntie! Auntie!" SAVED thanks to Kim's scary ass face.

Anyways, here's Kim, Kourtney and the government cheese version of Patrick Bateman arriving in NYC last night to film the next season of Krapping on the Kardashians.

Maybe Meg Ryan is on that anti-gravity yoga and chanting program that Courtney Love's on? Maybe that's why her face looks like something you thought only the mind of Dr. Seuss could produce?

But Meg should calm down with the mug changing yoga, unless she really wants to look like she has The Grinch's masturbationface pasted over her original face. If that's the case, keep fucking that chicken, Meg. But Meg shouldn't be surprised if Renee Zellweger stops returning her calls. Snatching Reene's signature squint is an unforgivable offense.

Here's more of Meg making Santy Claus nervous at the opening night of "Das Rheingold" at the Metropolitan Opera House last night. Vera Farmiga, Christina Baranski, Patricia Clarkson, Angelica Huston, Austin Scarlett and Patrick Stewart were also there.

I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina's head that makes her look like she's about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner's cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, "Calm down on the naranja, bitch." And I don't even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!

Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it's going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina's brows are saying to me, "Please sir, I want some more." More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It's like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat...)

How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina's tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. "Put us out of our misery" brows. How dreadful.

But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:

When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina's brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.

Here's some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.