Oops! Bright and early this morning, the Unicorn Butterfly Empress of the Pink Rainbows, Mimi, was on Good Morning America to promote her new song with Miguel called #Beautiful (I too wish that hash tag was a joke). But the only beautiful thing to come out of her visit was the moment thatn happened during her talk with life-like robot Lara Spencer.
The cries of sequins filled Central Park when Mimi's ten-sizes-too-small Ver-sayce dress popped in the back like a can of Pillsbury Flaky Layers biscuits. The animal hospitals were flooded with lambs who suffered cardiac arrests from almost seeing Mimi's Hello Titty balls in all their glory.
Because Mimi wanted to rack up as many YouTube views as possible, she also dropped a verbal shit bomb before apologizing to Donatella Versace for squeezing her goodies into a dress that doesn't fit her. Mimi should never apologize for being Dyslexic when it comes labels on clothes. We see a size European 34 on the label and Mimi sees, "YOU'LL FIT INTO THIS, DAHLING!" But whatever, even if Mimi's dress popped off. She had it covered. You know she had pasties of Nick Cannon's face covering her nibble knobs.
And here's Mimi singing that #Beautiful song with Miguel:
Gawker says that Mimi's people dubbed her vocals for the West Coast broadcast. The clip from the East Coast broadcast that Gawker has is hilarious. Mimi sounds like a baby hyena trying to coo and scream at the same time. That's what a monkey with laryngitis sounds like when it's being burned alive.
But damn, Mimi's people do not play around.
During an interview with Seattle's Q13 Fox News this morning, Michael Caine was trying to sell that "Now You See Me" movie like the mortgages on all his houses are due while Morgan Freeman drifted into mimi's time. Morgan didn't just doze off for a quick second. Pepaw went straight into dreamland where he frolicked on cotton candy and danced across his step-granddaughter's crotch. Morgan knocked out and didn't even care about it. The dude who wrote Go The Fuck To Sleep should write a sequel called Go The Fuck To Sleep, Morgan Freeman.
It's the most wonderful and joyous time of year again when we all look at half-naked Naval Academy freshmen dudes (and a couple of girls) climb over each other's half-naked bodies while making their way up a Crisco'd up monument.
When John Travolta tells the Scientology doctors that he feels like greased-up Thetans are crawling all over his crotch, this is what they see after they put his peen under a Thetan-seeing microscope. But seriously, Scientologists do believe in shape-shifting, so if monument is wearing a lace front wig next year, we'll all know that John Travolta learned a new skill.
Creepy Doug Hutchison went to Disneyland yesterday and he didn't go to shop for his next child bride. Doug was there with his porn iguana bride Courtney Stodden to celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. As the children around them asked their moms, "Mommy, does Rosie O'Donnell have alopecia and why is she kissing on that plastic iguana in low-budget Angelyne drag?", Doug and Courtney ate cotton candy and smeared each other's lip on one another for the paps. How quickly Disneyland can go from the happiest place on earth to the scariest place on earth.
Actually, let me correct that a bit. Courtney made Disneyland both the scariest place on earth and the most elegance place on earth. Those cotton candy heels deserve some credit.
The Billboard Music Awards show wasn't totally a lukewarm cesspool of crap music, whiny fetuses and three cent strippers (see: Nicki Minaj). There was some true talent there too. In between Miguel's Janelle Monae-looking ass nearly giving a girl brain damage and Chris Brown summoning the demons with his unremarkable anus face, the dandelion of funk that is Prince sprouted up on stage and the frosted white shadow on his eyelids nearly melted when he brought the sexy in heavy doses.
Jehovah's sexiest witness gave coochies a reason to cream when he puckered up those glossy lips and worked every piece of fringe on the jacket your grandmother donated to the Salvation Army years ago. Lauryn Hill twins made those hos salivate from every orifice last night.
Prince looks like a black Mrs. Roper and he gets crazier by the day, but I still would.
And I think the real reason Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate holidays is because they are too busy celebrating Prince's beauty. That is a good reason!
The Billboard Music Awards are happening right now in Las Vegas and I don't even know why they're bothering with this shit, because every awards show's premiere seat filler Phoebe Price is all the way in Cannes. How can that mess go on without the seat filling heart of every awards show Chicken Cutlets? Well, they found a way to go on and thank the foolery Gods for that, because if they didn't, this Cuban Brazilian flower would've never sashayed onto the blue carpet.
When I look at pictures of Naya, I say the same thing my father says when I call his house, "And you are?" I had no idea who Naya is, but now I do thanks to her flashing her titty balls and delivering an A+++ eyebrow situation.
And I really don't know why she brought a random dog with her. At first I thought that Naya was blind (that would explain her outfit) and that was her seeing eye dog. Then I figured that maybe that's her therapy dog, which would make sense since you have to be sort of crazy to wear an outfit like that when your name isn't Grace Jones. But whatever the case may be, Naya is definitely setting trends, because bringing a random dog to an event with you is officially the new thing to do.
And it's obvious that Naya's dog is as confused about him being there as we are.
Finally, an IT couple I can get behind. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Looking like a young in-love couple seeing NYC for the first time, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett held hands while strolling down the sidewalk of love in front of the paparazzi yesterday. I was going to ask which one's the top and which one's the bottom, but they don't get into that. They just spoon and whisper lyrics to Michael Bolton love songs into each other's ears. Will is the big spoon.
Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive.
Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her.
You can almost hear those little piggies screech for help as they dangle off the side of that chrome shoe cliff.
During the opening ceremony of the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival today, Julianne Moore proved that she is a true movie star and a slave to glamour when she put on a smile like everything was okay while her toes tried to scramble out of that shoe. Or maybe Julianne felt no pain, because some of her toes lost consciousness after suffocating in those tiny shoes. I'm trying to figure out if partying with your baby toes hanging out is a classy look or is the worst kind of toe abuse (next to putting your toes in CROCS)?
Thankfully for Julianne, nobody on the red carpet noticed the toe trauma going on down below, because they were too busy basking in the poultry beauty of the Queen of Cannes Phoebe Price after she floated onto the red carpet. Either PP is wearing an anime girl mask or she's had her eyes stretched out. Whatever the case may be, the result is GORGEOUS!
The last time something this hot, spicy and juicy hit Seaside Heights, it was a wart and it was attached to Snooki's puss. Thankfully, this time around the CDC didn't have to get involved when a piping hot piece of juicy hotness hit the boardwalk. If you think I'm talking about Chris Christie instead of Prince Hot Ginge, that works too. I mean, who can resist a piece who wears his pants all the way up to his chest dumplings?
PHG is continuing to bless the lands of America and today he visited the Seaside Boardwalk with Governor Chris Christie, because that's what princes do, they visit things. PHG and his new best brofriend Chris Christie played games, said hi to Hurricane Sandy victims and then they memorialized the day by getting matching DTF tattoos on the inside of their bottom lips.
And for why is Mr. Slugworth from the Wonka Chocolate Factory standing behind PHG in that picture above?