Obamas

Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin's hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!

If you're one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here's President Obama's act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard's bangs and Tracy Morgan.

Here's Conan's act and if you ain't got time for it, his best line was, "President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen."

I don't know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn't invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.

Beyonce and Jay-Z want us all to think that President Obama makes them friendship bracelets in their spare time and when he's feeling lonely, he clutches half of the Friends Forever necklace they gave him and thinks of them. Jay-Z bragged in his song "Open Letter" about getting White House clearance to go to Cuba, but Obama said otherwise and put those name-dropping hos in their place.

Because she's a serious journalist, Today's Savannah Guthrie asked Obama the question that's on everyone's mind: What does he think about Jay-Z's song and is it true he gave them permission to go to Cuba? (Ann Curry would NEVER. Actually, Ann Curry probably would.) Obama told Savannah that Bey-Z's trip to Cuba is bronchitis to his Sweet Brown. He ain't got time for that.

"I wasn't familiar that they were taking the trip. My understanding is I think they went through a group that organizes these educational trips down to Cuba..... You know, this is not something the White House was involved with. We've got better things to do."

He told them. How I wish that right after he said that last line, he popped open a fan and fanned himself Kenya Moore-style.

In possibly related news, a letter sent to Obama tested positive for the poison ricin. They better check to see if that letter was postmarked from the basement, because I don't even want to know what Basement Baby had to do to earn a day pass to go to Coachella this past weekend.

Don't mess with The Camel or he'll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called "Open Letter" where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the "Bob Dylan of rap" and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it's because Jay-Z's ego just got 500 tons bigger.

Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In "Open Letter," Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.

I done turned Havana to Atlanta

Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y'all, I don't agree with y'all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime

I'm in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it's from China, the very mic that I'm using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You're an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today

Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.

Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would've brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin' dweeb
I still own the building, I'm still keeping my seat
Y'all buy that bullshit, you'd better keep your receipt

And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama's response to the Cuba shit:

Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don't need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach

So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah... We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z's other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!

CNN is showing scenes from the Inaugural Ball and the DJ played "Let The Music Play" for the crowd. How I wish the camera would've panned to Michelle Obama dancing on top of a go-go box as a strobe light flickered behind her. I really hope the DJ plays "When I Hear Music" next.

Anderson Cooper, Piers Morgan and a bunch of fashion-loving queens of CNN lost their minds, found their minds and lost their minds again when Michelle Obama sashayed out tonight wearing A DRESS by designer Jason Wu! Michelle Obama chose a Jason Wu dress for her last Inaugural gown, so how could she wear a Jason Wu dress again? The main fashion bitch on CNN slapped herself and pinched her titty, because she couldn't believe that Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu for a second Inauguration. This has never happened! This is history in the making! This changes everything! The world stopped, Mel Gibson hugged a Jew, Lindsay Lohan put down the vodka bottle for a second, John Travolta slipped Kelly Preston the tongue without getting the heaves and it's all because Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu AGAIN! As soon as you pick the pieces of your brain off the floor and stick them back in your head through your ear holes, watch Michelle Obama's HISTORIC!!! gown in action:

Usually, I'm not really into the First Lady's Inauguration gown, because I only like gowns that are covered in rhinestones, see-through or slit all the way up to the left nipple (aka classy ones), but I kind of like this one. But I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I'll be doing Michelle Obama's signature "side eye and roll" at this dress, because copy cats of it will be everywhere. You're going to see on every bridesmaid at every wedding. You're going to see one on every 11th grade at the prom. And I'm sure that right now, my cousin has pulled a white halter dress out of her closet, dyed it red and has glued patches of crushed velvet all over it. I just hope she doesn't wear it with her clip-on bangs. Not today. Not ever.

Above is President Obama's #1 fangirl waaaaah-awwwww-eeeeee-waaaaah-ing her way through the Star Spangled Banner at the Inauguration today. Beyonce pulled her earpiece out halfway through, because if you really want to look like you're seriously singing, pull your earpiece out halfway through. Beyonce also pulled it out, because she was yodeling so damn much that it was about to pop out of her ear anyway.

Below is Ron Paul's #1 fangirl Kelly Clarkson singing My Country 'Tis Of Thee. Kelly sang the skin on her tonsils off, but just like stars on the American flag and a single tear drop on an eagle's cheek, this song is not complete without Aretha Franklin's national treasure of a hat. Kelly definitely needed to put a bow on it.  

Rapper Lupe Fiasco has been on the Fuck Obama train for a while now and he's known for not holding back his thoughts on the President. Lupe Fiasco has called Obama a "terrorist" who "killed children" by ordering drone attacks. So who ever booked Lupe's ass for the StartUp RockOn Inauguration Celebration at Hamilton Live in DC last night either doesn't know how Google works or knew what they were doing and wanted some easy publicity. Because during his set, Lupe Fiasco pulled a Lupe Fiasco by repeating a verse from his anti-war song "Words I Never Said" over and over again for 30 minutes. These are the lyrics Lupe rapped out on repeat:

Limbaugh is a racist/ Glenn Beck is a racist/ Gaza Strip was getting bombed, Obama didn't say shit/ That's why I didn't vote for him, next one either

The organizers told Lupe to keep it moving, but he didn't and just kept repeating those lyrics. The organizers finally pulled everyone out of the 30 minute-long anti-Obama tornado by flipping off the lights and turning off Lupe's mic. Lupe was then escorted off the stage. The organizers later issued a statement to HyperVocal saying that they didn't put Lupe on the curb because of his anti-Obama views, they put him on the curb because he was a broken record and they needed to keep it moving.

"Lupe Fiasco performed at this private event, and as you may have read, he left the stage earlier than we had planned. But Lupe Fiasco was not “kicked off stage” for an “anti-Obama rant.” We are staunch supporters of free speech, and free political speech. This was not about his opinions. Instead, after a bizarrely repetitive, jarring performance that left the crowd vocally dissatisfied, organizers decided to move on to the next act."

The hell did these bitches expect? This is like me inviting Victoria Jackson to officiate my gay wedding and then acting all surprised when she says, "Do you Michael take Anderson Cooper to be your seat partner on the Sodomy Express to Hell where your souls will burn for the rest of eternity for making God mad?" (SPOILER ALERT: I'd still say "I do!")

And on that note, Happy MLK Day and Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

via Buzzfeed

Beyonce is looking like me when I'm patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West's (that's what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama's inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the "National Anthem" I'm talking about is not "Single Ladies." I'm talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out "At Last" at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama's ears the right way, because he asked her back. I'm sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce's lace front edges will curl when she sings the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul's former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin's legendary hat when she sings "My Country Tis Of Thee" (SPOILER ALERT: she won't). James Taylor will sing "America The Beautiful."

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That's not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem - Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) -  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

'Murica The Beautimous - Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June's chins like a harmonica

That's what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I'm sure that right after Beyonce's performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped."

For the second time in four years, President Obama was declared the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. 4Chan tried hard to get Kim Jong-un the title and he did win the reader's poll thanks to them, but I guess Sasha and Malia stuffed the ballots faster than 4Chan ever could, because Obama's got this. George W. Bush is the only other person who got the title twice. Obama didn't get Person of the Year, because we found out that he's Spider-Man's true arch rival. Time gave it to Obama, because he's forging something and turning something into something. I don't know! I don't speak smart people talk. If you do (then you shouldn't be reading this cell-burning blog), here's how Time explained their decision:

At the end of Invisible Man, Ralph Ellison’s great 1952 novel about racial injustice, the central character says, “America is woven of many strands; I would recognize them and let it so remain … Our fate is to become one, and yet many — This is not prophecy, but description.” Just 12 years ago, Obama was so invisible that he attended the 2000 Democratic National Convention in L.A. and watched it on the Jumbotron in the Staples Center parking lot. Today he is universally visible — and known. But he would agree with Ellison’s observation that this change is indeed description and not prophecy. The new America is not so much the old e pluribus unum — out of many, one — but, as Ellison says, one and yet many. That is Obama’s America. For finding and forging a new majority, for turning weakness into opportunity and for seeking, amid great adversity, to create a more perfect union, Barack Obama is TIME’s 2012 Person of the Year.

I approve of Time's decision and mainly because it's going to make Victoria Jackson's head spin off of her neck and roll into the Florida swamp. That being said, if I chose Time's Person of the Year, their cover would look like this:

My runners-up would be: Sweet Brown, Jon Hamm's Hamm Log, John Travolta's hungry anus, Grumpy Cat and The Hot Dog Hooker.

When Olympic gold medal winning gymnast McKayla Maroney and President Obama got together at the White House, they just had to make the face that made her an overnight meme star. (It's also the same look your chocha makes whenever Todd Akin opens his mouth.)

And there's the grand finale of the McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed Meme. Stand up, clap as the curtain goes down, make your way out of the theater and make sure to get your parking validated before you leave the building, because this shit is done. Fin!

via Flickr

Bo Obama doesn't have to have to fill his bandana with his collection of leis and tie it to a stick, because he's staying in the White House for another four years!!! YAASSSS!

In other news, I don't have a CA weed card yet, so I'm filling my bandana with my bong collection, tying it to a stick and moving to Colorado! UPDATE: Or I'll move to Washington!