Usher

Justin Bieber was allowed to stay up past mimi times last night to sit on a booster seat on the Late Show stage and talk about serious adult stuff with David Letterman. Letterman asked the beaver equivalent of a Skipper Doll about getting swabbed in the mouth to prove that it's impossible for him to father a baby since the only liquid he produces is Poof 'n Puff Perfume.

Bieber told Letterman that the swabbing took all of ten minutes and he got to keep his clothes on the entire time. Letterman said that his eyes have turned red over Mariah Yeater's claims and the scent of weasel farts have trickled into his nostrils. Bieber responded by saying, "I could smell a weasel too." Little did Bieber know, that wasn't the smell of a weasel, that was the smell of a gerbil slathered in Crisco that Uncle Usher brought him to "play" with.

As Justin waits for Mariah Yeater to give up DNA from her baby, he reunited with Uncle Usher on Today this morning where he kissed a Belieber on the hand without a condom on his lips (cut to 9 months later with her holding a Baby Alive on the cover of Life & Style) and gave a wardrobe assistant a Crying Game moment.

Remember yesterday how I said that the crazy bitch who spit up bat shit at Usher for parking in a handicap spot should smoke some a bowl out of a Valium bong while a kitten massages her ear with its purrs to calm her ass down? It's a good thing I kept a receipt for that comment, because I'm taking it back. Usher deserves to be covered with bat shit and beat with a dozen handicap parking placards for giving birth to the maple syrup-covered anti-Christ who is responsible for this dark-sided drummer boy fuckery (featuring Busta Rhymes).

The drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks. Jesus just put a call in to Maury, because if he can prove that God is not the father, then Christmas is canceled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let me dial that number for you.

Oh, and here's another one to bang your head against a wall to. Mimi, you'll never be forgiven for this.

Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn't supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity.

TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver's seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting "You don't belong here!" (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:

Justin Bieber was born in Usher's uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should've dialed back the insanity a bit. We're only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won't get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would've been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER" on his windshield in red paint. That's how a reasonable person handles shit.

And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you're doing that, I'll start writing Omar's obit.

It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

In December of 2009, Usher made the phrase "dumb fuck" proud when he supposedly left $1 million worth of jooree and two laptops in the trunk of his car. When you leave over $1 million of valuables in a car that is not the OnStar lady's wet dream KITT, the universe will reward your dumbfuckness by sending a ho to snatch your car. That's exactly what happened to Usher and now TMZ is saying that he might've taken his dumbness to the next level by leaving a sex tape on one of those stolen laptops. Because now somebody is peddling an Usher fuck tape and trying to sell it to the highest bidder. And no, Usher's sex tape will not make its debut at the NAMBLA Film Festival, because it doesn't co-star a certain Canadian superstar toddler.

TMZ says they have seen two stills and a clip of the tape and can confirm Usher slurps on the wet parts of his ex-wife Tameka Foster. TMZ also adds that "the people in the video are both givers."

My fuck parts are in a state of confusion over this. On one hand, it's a good day whenever dick gets its time under the spotlight. On the other hand, the dick is attached to Justin Bieber's adoptive daddy and it's also getting some tongue action from the big-boned skeleton that is Tameka Foster. The thought of those two scissoring is already a traumatic experience, but now those thoughts might be brought to life on our monitors? Well, it's good news for those of you who are fans of Skeletor and Orko porn fiction.

Don't get me wrong, my love for seeing peen in action knows no bounds, so I would definitely hit "play" on that mess. But I just know that doing so will suddenly make me an expert at cringe fapping.

It's our future and you know what, I don't even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE's costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.

Don't you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who's simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.

Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber's new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn't the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber's balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.

And it's funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us "middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona." However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.

Here's another picture of Taylor's walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night's thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.

If you would've asked me to bet my flavored lube collection on which "digitally dead" celeb would break their Twitter silence first, I would have put EVERYTHING on Kim Kardashian's ass. It's a good thing this didn't happen. I would've had a thirsty and dusty b-hole (I set myself up for that one, I know), because Usher was the one who digitally opened his digital coffin and digitally rose from digital death.

As Necole Bitchie points out, Usher delivered his last rites on November 30th and was supposed to stay dead until $1 million is raised for the Keep a Child Alive charity. The charity isn't halfway there, but that didn't stop Usher from blurting out 4 Tweets over the weekend.

This campaign is bizarre for many reason, but a promise is a promise! Usher can't just digitally rebuke digital death from his digital body because he feels like Tweeting about his lil' homey. I guess Usher doesn't care about keeping a child alive! THINK OF THE CHILDREN before you digitally resurrect yourself! It's not Digital Easter yet!

Usher is crying to the police in Atlanta, because he claims someone snatched $1 million worth of jooree, furs and electronic shit from the back of his SUV. This is exactly why my mother always made us throw jackets and blankets over our bags from Mervyn's.

According to the police report, Usher says that while he was shopping inside of an AT&T store, a Chevy Impala pulled up next to his SUV in the parking lot. The report goes on to say that a young dude jumped out of the Impala, broke open one of the SUV's doors and grabbed all of Usher's expensive shit. Usher added that most of the stuff the thieves took were supposed to be Christmas pressies.

If you're reading this story with an "Is that the best story you can come up with?" side-eye, then you're not alone. This story is the dirt flake in a tall glass of milk.

Usher thinks he's so slick. When Usher sadly announced to Tameka that Christmas was canceled due to grinchy thieves stealing all the presents, she pretended to be disappointed but she was secretly smiling inside knowing that the player got played. You can't trick a gold digger!

And why in the hell did Usher buy Tameka a fur coat? Tameka spends of thousands of dollars on getting fur waxed off her back! Why would she want to add more?

Usher and Tameka Foster can also act like two spoiled toddlers fighting over the prime spot in the sandbox. Move over Jon & Kate....

TMZ says that Usher had to call the cops on his estranged wife, because he caught her scratching up his car. When the po po arrived, Tameka had already busted out of there. Usher also had to call 911 a second time, because Tameka refused to leave his property.

Usher thinks that Tameka scratched up his truck, because they had a fight over the custody of their children the night before. The day after the fight, Tameka showed up at his house demanding to see the kids. The kiddies were at his mother's house. When Tameka left, Usher immediately drove his ass over to his mom's house. Tameka was already there, banging on the door and acting the fool. Usher called the cops, but Tameka busted out of that bitch before they arrived. The next day, Usher found his truck all scratched up. SANTIO DIOS!

Tameka is scratching up the wrong thing. Tameka should be scratching up Usher's credit card by buying everything from dick on Craigslist to booze by the bulk. Seriously, when are these bitches going to realize that it's much more fun just to sick back, smoke a bowl, pop on HSN and spend his money. Scratching cars in the middle of the day sounds exhausting!

.....that JHud is knocked up with Punk's babeh? Or maybe Usher has the power to impregnate with his hands? This would explain how Tameka Foster got pregnant.....twice!

Here's JHud and Usher backstage at Michael Jackson's memorial this afternoon.

Image: Getty