Crazy Baby Lady

InTouch Weekly must've mistakenly interviewed a full-time Pete Burns impersonator who sometimes hires himself out as an OctoMom look-alike to parents of brat children who need to be scared with the threat of being wished into her dilapidated bunny uterus if they don't act right, because the real OctoMom says that interview where she supposedly said that she hates all 14 of her asshole children is as fake as the baboon ass lips on her face.

In this week's edition of InTouch, the ears of Child Protective Services started to burn when Octo allegedly called her kids "animals" and said that she regularly locks herself in the bathroom for hours to keep from offing herself. But Octo tells TMZ the interview never happened.

"I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock my self in the bathroom for hours. I Love ALL my children, I do not regret them and it's ridiculous that I have to continue to defend myself against these disgusting fabricated lies."

It could be that Octo is the Sybil of famewhores and one of her 14 personalities said that mess, but I actually believe InTouch made it all up. Octo puts the CRAZY in crazy, but I doubt she hates her kids. That's like White Oprah hating Lindsay Lohan, or Jennifer Aniston hating hair, or Amber Rose hating (NSFW) her own hairless cat, or RPattz hating on the likes of Nutty Madam. How can you hate on something that puts coins in your pocketbook and another minute on your relevancy clock?!

Some say that OctoMom made her bed of BABIES!!! so she should lie on 'em. But after reading a supposed interview she gave to InTouch Weekly (via Daily Mail), I say that Child Protective Services needs to lay a rescue net over her BABIES!!! and drag them to a safe house far far away from OctoMom's crazy ass.

If I had 14 kids pounding my nerves into dust with their high-pitched screeches, I'd definitely make a noose out of dirty Pampers and pray that the underworld is for 18+ only and has a strict carding policy, but this is why I haven't push 14 fucking babies out of my anus (you know, because I can)!!!!

Here's the words that have earned OctoMom the Most Promising Future Award from the Susan Smith Foundation:

"I hate the babies, they disgust me. My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet. Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.

Obviously I love them - but I absolutely wish I had not had them."

There are only 4 reasons I could come up with for why OctoMom's mouth would give birth to shit words like this:

1. This quote is a flute, CPS is a slithering snake and she's trying to summon them out of a basket so they can snatch up her child army and this fuckery for her!
2. Octo knows that sex sells, but since her womb has crawled up to her vagina entrance and blocked it with all its might, she she has no sex to sell. So she has to sell foolery instead!
3. BITCH IS CRAZY.
4. InTouch's creative writing department is really going for the gold.

Choosing any one of those answers will earn you an A+ since they are all completely plausible. But if bitch thinks shit is hard now, just wait until all 200 of her BABIES!!!! turn into TEENAGERS!!!!!!!! Now that is some real Suicide Watch shit!

The worst part about raising a dysfunctional and damaged child is that there's a good chance they will give birth to another dysfunctional and damaged child when they turn 13. A dysfunctional and damaged grandchild that you will have to take care of because your dysfunctional and damaged child is too busy shooting heroin into their taint and whoring under the bridge with any trick that winks at them. Take a breath, Octo, because it could be a long ride.

Here's Octo earning a check last night by participating in some celebrity boxing match in Philadelphia.

Paul Stanley's got some serious guns, right?

Wannabe OctoMoms in California who want to bedazzle their uterus with dozens of fertilized embryos have less than a week to do it. Because on July 1st, OctoMom's fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava (Reason #465 for why all Michael Ks are shifty sluts who are allergic to morals), will lose his right to practice medicine. The California Medical Board ruled that Dr. Kamrava "committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence" in three cases including OctoMom's. One 42-year-old patient was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after IVF treatments and another 48-year-old patient had severe complications after she got knocked up with quadruplets.

People reports that California Medical Board declared that Dr. Kamrava should've immediately referred OctoMom to the nearest crazy house instead of overcrowding her womb. And because he didn't do that, OctoMom's psychotic gene tripled in size every time a baby was pulled out of her body. Dr. Kamrastein is guilty of creating a baby-hoarding monster.

Like a little thing calling "losing his medical license" is going to keep Dr. Kamrava from getting his embryo stuffing kicks. This sick ass bitch has probably already set up an underground fertility clinic in the studio apartment of a dilapidated complex located on a deserted block in the San Fernando Valley. He's got the turkey basters and mini fridge ready to go! Now he just has to post a Craigslist ad asking for willing participants for his human pregnant centipede experiment. Why did I go there? Excuse me while I wrap a straitjacket around my imagination.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Steve Hirsch of the porn company Vivid Entertainment has long been trying to get OctoMom on his payroll. When the word foreclosure started winking at Octo's house in La Habra, CA, Steve offered her $1 million if she wrapped her water noodle lips around a peen on camera. Octo clutched her crucifix and cried out that she could never ever go against her morals by doing porn. Steve then offered Octo a behind-the-fuck-scenes job with a salary and benefits. Octo once again made eyes roll when she declared that will never accept cum-stained money from a pussy and peen peddler. Steve must have a thing for crazy bitches and down-trodden wombs, because he then sent Octo a no strings attached (so he says) check for her mortgage payment. Proving that "common sense" is her worst enemy, Octo never cashed the check and she sent it back. Each one of Octo's octuplets is spitting out a saliva letter this morning and the final message to their mom reads: D-U-M-B-F-U-C-K.

Octo tells Radar that no matter how bad things get, she won't ever turn to porn for help: "Vivid Video sent me a check for the mortgage, and I sent it back. I don't take money from porn pushers, and I never will. So far I have turned down more than a million dollars from Vivid Video even though I almost lost my home and I believe that makes a clear statement of how I feel towards that type of industry."

Speaking of "that type of industry," Octo also regrets making the half-assed fetish video you talked about in detail with your therapist last week. Octo said, "I was horrified at the end result, and it was not presented as they had promised." THIS BITCH! When they pulled 8 babies out of her body, did they also pull out all her brain cells? She was stuffed into a black corset with her titties out and she whipped a grown man in a diaper. Did she think it was going to be a segment on Sesame Street? There are some perverted hos who push out an orgasm when they spot a wool scarf, so of course there's going to be bitches fapping to Octo's dumb fetish video. I swear. Bitch needs to get over herself. And somebody needs to make her babies the executors of her life, because it would make things a lot easier.

Octo's babies would never send back a check when they are thisclose to holding a "Will Coo 4 Leche" sign in front of an Albertsons. Who sends back a check, anyway? As soon as a check comes in the mail, I deposit that bitch like it's a peen and the ATM is my no-no. I don't care if depositing it signs me up for a credit card or if the check has "non-negotiable" stamped on top of it, I"ll deal with that later. All I care about is seeing my balance creep up....even if it is for a hot second.

Not only will this video serve as an answer to the octuplets' question: "Why does our ball pit smell like rotten chili con queso, anus tears and desperation?" But it will also be used in high school sex education classes to warn students that if they get knocked up without the means to support their child, this is the low-budget shit they might have to do to put diapers on asses.

My problem with this wreck from TMZ isn't that OctoMom is starring in a fetish video with radio personality Tattoo. It's that she's starring in a poorly produced one! Did the octuplets sit on each other's shoulders and record this wreck with the VHS camcorder my mom refuses to throw out ("It's an antique!" - my mom)? Is this the real sequel to Paranormal Activity? Not only that, but OctoMom whips a trick like my 8-year-old self trying to throw a ball without crossing the line during the worst dodgeball game ever. I can almost hear a wimpy "uh" come out of her mouth as she dreadfully tries to crack that whip. Awful.

Put some real feeling into that shit, OctoMom! Picture Tattoo as your life choices and whip the fuckery right out of him. I swear, if we had to pick dominatrix teams, OctoMom's ass would be the last one chosen.

And if this clip isn't just a small piece of a longer one, how is Octo making money from this? Did TMZ pay for it? Is this viral marketing for Pampers? Octo is already embarrassing her kids with her whack ass whipping skills, so I hope she's not bringing more shame upon them by not collecting a check for this mess.

That story you read about OctoMom whipping a dude in a diaper for money wasn't a nightmare your imagination pushed out while you were passed out from drinking too many Pedialyte and vodkas. It is a true story and now TMZ has posted a gallery of stills from the fetish video shot in her children's playroom. You may be cursing George Eastman's name for indirectly helping to bring this gross mess to your eyeballs, but look on the bright side. If you're ever feeling embarrassed about the nasty, twisted, kinky sex shit you get off on, you can tell yourself that it could be worse. You could be the one perv who is licking their fingers and tapping their genitals to OctoMom whipping a jumbo-sized Chuy Bravo riding on her kids' toy pony.

But you know, I can't judge Octo. Sometimes when IVF hands you 14 children, you have to put on a black corset and whip a grown man in a diaper to feed them.

Oh, and one more thing....is that a TONY DANZA TATTOO on baby dude's body? Okay, I think we just found the one perv who is licking their fingers to this. Mona Robinson's office door is closed for a reason!

OctoMom's financial situation is as bruised, battered and exhausted as her uterus right now. Octo's got a million hongray mouths to feed, two lips on her face to keep filled with liquid nails and a foreclosure notice hovering over her head. Octo even brought her spastic craziness to Oprah the other day and Suze Orman told her that she needs to do what she needs to do to get those bills paid. Suze yelled until her clit turned blue and nearly fell off.

Well, Octo is making Suze proud, because she's slowly whippin' her way out of debt. TMZ reports that Octo recently shot a fetish video in her own home that features her whippin' a grown ass man in a diaper and a bonnet. Well, at least her 14 children don't have to crawl far for "Take Your Kid To Work Day."

TMZ says that Octo kept her black leggings and black corset on and whooped on the baby dude until welts grew on his back. Octo has already signed the release and it's currently looking for a buyer.

Okay, where did Octo put her three million screaming children while she was whipping coins out of a dudes diaper? Did she put them all in the garage with a few rocks and and empty box of Cheerios, and tell them to be really quiet while mommy and her friend play "Catwoman vs. Baby Huey"? Or did Octo hand one of her kids a boom mic and put them all to work? But seriously, this is better than collecting a welfare check, so I say, whip that food on the table!

And on a positive note, at least this fetish video can be used as a form of birth control. Every time Octo whips an air bubble out of a grown man's Pamper, a sperm fish drowns itself and an ovary egg pops.

Since this morning's theme seems to be BABIES!! BABIES!!! BABIES!!!, here's some pictures of OctoMom dodging a visit to the welfare office and a date with Chapter 11 by blending her way to a quick check at Millions of Milkshakes in Hollywood, CA last night. La Habra's very own Angelina Jolie created a $14 shake made with 14 ingredients. 50% of sales will be injected into Octo's lips.

The main ingredient of course is a piece of Octo's placenta and the shake is topped with a dollop of cream made from her leftover titty leche. As for the other ingredients, judging by the pictures of the kids peering over the topping bar, my guess is that the shake is also made with flu saliva, toddler snot and boogers of all shapes and sizes. Yeah, no, I'll pass. I'll get an Airborne shake instead.

When OctoMom first burst onto the ho stroll after bursting out 8 BABIES!!!, Vivid Entertainment offered her $1 million to spread her C-section scar in a porn movie. Octo clutched her rosary, made the sign of the cross and was so offended by Vivid's offer that she almost fainted into a puddle of offensiveness.

Well, it's 7-months later and Octo couldn't even pop 8 dollars out of her pussy if she tried. Octo is about to move her child army into the Super 8 down the street and she's putting on her chanklas right now to pay a visit to the WIC office. Octo's home is facing foreclosure and she might go on welfare.

Vivid heard Octo's woes and so they are circling around her once again. This time they are offering to give her $500,000 for just one hour of boning. This is the open sore letter they released today:

In a letter to Nadya, Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch says "We have an easy and ready solution for you to relieve yourself of this financial problem. We are offering you the opportunity to perform in one scene, for one hour in one of our movies and we will pay you up to $500,000.

"We can arrange for this to happen quickly so that you will get paid in advance of your October deadline.

"We urge you to give our offer serious consideration. We will work closely with you in planning your scene to make this an enjoyable experience for you," he added.

Gossip sites have reported that Nadya is close to going on welfare in order to support her 14 children. If she accepts the offer from Vivid, she will be able to avoid both foreclosure and welfare.

"I hope to hear from her very quickly," says Hirsch. "It appears she has no time to waste and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the results of her shoot with us."

There's no way Octo is going to take this offer. That crazy bitch would rather figuratively fuck taxpayers in the ass than get fucked literally on screen. If I was her, I'd Crisco up my coochie and ask Vivid for the time and place. Screeching babies, clouds of baby diarrhea, toddler vomit everywhere.... You'd have to suck on a crack pipe or suck on a peen just to deal.

That's how you know Octo is on the other side of sane, because she claims nothing makes her happier than hearing all ten million of her kids crying in the morning. Forget 69, 5150 that crazy.

The days of OctoMom getting a stack of cash for tabloid covers and interviews with foreign TV stations are long gone. Octo wrote a book, but publishers won't even use its pages to pick the dingles out of their ass cracks. Octo tried to get a reality show, but she's even too trashy for TLC and that's saying EVERYTHING. Octo tried to merchandise the Octo name, but that isn't going to work out either.

Because of all of this, Octo's checking account is as bruised and battered as her uterus. So what's an Octo to do? STRETCH MARK PORN! But before she goes there, Radar says that Octo is going to go on welfare first. A source close to her says, ""Nadya has nannies and huge expenses raising 14 children. She needs a lot of money just to keep up with the basics. And now the income has dried up and she didn't make enough in the past year and a half to live off of it. Nadya will never come out publicly and say she's going on welfare but everyone close to her and familiar with her situation knows that it's going to happen very, very soon. She needs the money. She has no choice at this point. And she's been on public assistance before. There's just no choice. She's running out of money and those kids need to eat."

And if that isn't bad enough, TMZ says that Octo and her 14-strong child army is in danger of getting kicked out of their home for not paying the mortgage.

I watch House Hunters every single night before I close my eyes and dream of Mah Boo feeding me blue cotton candy on a carousel, so I know for a real fact that Octo can buy a 10-bedroom MEGA MANSION in another state for the same price of a studio apartment in Southern California. So Octo needs to throw her litter into the back of a Greyhound bus and head towards (insert the name of a state you don't live in that has a low-cost of living). And if that crazy bitch doesn't want to do that, then there's only one other option: BABY YARD SALE! Maddox is already in line!