Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Vivid released Teen Mom Farrah's "private" backdoor sex tape today and if the full video is anything like the 5-minute-long clip, then watching saliva dry on a white paper plate is more fap worthy than watching Farrah's concrete pyramid titties not move while James Deen humps her from the back. Farrah's soulless dead eyes say it all. I mean, that TV and speaker in the background have more sexual chemistry than Backdoor Ferret (typo and it stays) and James Deen have.

Farrah's acting skills are about as lifeless her titty cones, which I swear were filled with quick drying cement instead of silicone, because I don't think I saw them move once. When James Deen was hitting it from the front, I expected him to pull out orange halves to make orange juice on her rock hard cone tits. You could break blocks of ice on those tits.

Farrah says "cock" and "baby" in her annoying voice so many times that by the end of the clip, I wanted to poke out my ear drums with her pointy tits.

If you really want to see Farrah lazily blow James' soft peen like she's brushing her teeth at the end of a long day and squirt (WHY!!!?) after doing herself with a glass dildo in the back of a limo, then put on your NSFW head mask and (NSFW) click here to see the 5 minute clip and go to Drunken Stepfather to see the clip of Backdoor Ferret squirting.

And Farrah is still trying to make us think it was a private sex tape:

I don't even have the strength to respond to that, because I'm still traumatized from hearing Backdoor Ferret say, "Was my ass tight, baby?"

With all that being, Backdoor Ferret got almost $1 million for boning and the only thing I get after boning is directions to the front door.

The world's most beautiful and hated person Goopy Paltrow talked to Glamour UK (via UsWeekly) about her marriage to Chris Martin and thankfully she didn't talk about how she rage blows him every time he's mad at her. Goopy says that their marriage has gone through some terrible times (like the time he kissed her right after he drank a cup of British tap water) and they haven't gotten a divorce, because divorce is for bougies! The highest members of high society like to keep their marriages cold, distant, loveless and miserable, because being warm, affectionate and happy around the servants at dinnertime is really damn tacky.

"It's hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We're the same as any couple. I asked my dad once, 'How did you and mom stay married for 33 years?' and he said, 'Well we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.' And I think that's what happened. When two people throw in the towel at the same, then you break up, but if one person's saying, 'Come on, we can do this,' you carry on."

Methinks Goopy is usually that one person and she usually says, "You better not humiliate me with a divorce or I'll show up to all of your concerts and dance in the front row." Stay married to Goop > Let Goop terrorize your eyes with her dancing for the rest of your life!

Goopy also says that she basically lets Chris do whatever he wants, because he's a genius or something.

"I'm a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, 'Where are you? You should be home by now.' I never place demands on him because I think he's a really talented man and he's putting something good into the world."

Never mind that this bitch is about as grounded and homey as one of Lady Grantham's high flying queefs, she's right about never placing demands on Chris Martin. Yes, Goopy demands that Chris Martin never use her fine silverware after he's put his mouth on a peasant's crotch and she demands that he only eats what she eats, but other than that and 10,000 other demands, she makes no demands!

And I hate Glamour UK for making me think of Gwyneth Paltrow's mean muffin. I bet when Goopy's muffin gets mean, she makes it suck off Chris Martin. Ugh.

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl's mouth and he said that he didn't see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he's a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

"I did not expect that. [I've had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that's what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor."

What sense of humor? I thought bitch's Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy's head isn't up his own ass, it's up Xenu's ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology's mottos, "When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!"

Page Six is saying that Lindsay Lohan went to a party at Kristen Stewart's house (read: broke into Kristen Stewart's house through a guest bedroom window) and bonded with KStew all night (read: went through KStew's trash and stole a used tampon, burnt weed buds and a grease ball of hair, which she's going to sell on the down low to Twihards who need a fix).

Page Six's source says that LiLo and Kristen Stewart know each other through a mutual friend (read: their dealer) and so LiLo was invited to one of KStew's parties last week. The source said that RPattz was at the party too, but it was LiLo who got all of KStew's attention and the two messes "discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”

Yeah, that's not what they talked about. They both have the communication skills of an extra slow cave baby, so I doubt they even exchanged more than 5 words. They stared at each other, KStew drooled and LiLo grunted before one of them finally shouted, "Want to smoke some meth?!" Then they scissored until the carbon monoxide alarm went off. The end.

But seriously, LiLo needs to stop leaking stories to Page Six. Oh, LiLo, that wasn't Kristen Stewart's house. It was a dumpster behind the Seventh Veil strip club on Sunset Blvd. And that wasn't Kristen Stewart you were bonding with. It was a malnourished alley rat. I know, it's easy to get the two confused.

Here's KStew's best friend (in her head) getting on a flight to Brazil while wearing her latest mug shot ensemble.

On this week's priceless cover of InTouch Weekly, they have a herp derp picture of Kim Kartrashian next to the headline "I CAN'T STOP EATING," and this week's National Enquirer also says that she's gained 65 pounds from Jessica Simpsoning her way through her pregnancy. But Kim says that those stories are about as true as her last marriage. While promoting that Tyler Perry movie she's in, Pimp Mama Kris' number one ho told OMG Insider (via ONTD) that the number 200 doesn't look back at her when she steps on the scale and she hasn't turned her mouth into a food court trash can by filling it with tons of delicious junk. Kim also said that she's not suffocating the Kimye fetus by shoving her body into a four-sizes-too-small leather skirt.

"It says that I'm like 200 pounds on there. That's like, definitely a good 60 pounds off. It's ridiculous. Obviously you don't want to be called fat, but I'm pregnant. I would hope to gain some weight.

What's so funny is I love junk food and I love fast food, I love sweets, ice cream. I haven't been able to eat any of that since I've been pregnant. I am so sad that I'm not craving like In-N-Out and Taco Bell. None of it. That's what I was craving before. I'm craving like carrots and celery with ranch. 

I wore this like leather skirt and by the way it's a maternity skirt that I had made. Like everything is bigger. And they're like, 'Oh you can't wear anything tight. That is ridiculous.' They have pregnancy Spanx that are tighter than the skirt I'm wearing. I want to feel good about myself and still feel fashionable. That's who I am. Happy mommy, happy baby."

Since Kim K's mouth is a ticker tape machine of lies, just reverse everything she said there and that's the truth. So Kim weighs more than 200 pounds, eats a Double Double animal-style off of Kanye's pussy hole three times a day and that leather skirt was so tight her baby had to stick its head out of her cooch to get some air.

And here's Kim not looking good and not looking fashionable at LAX last night.

The extremely accurate and beacon of one hundred percent potent truthiness Now Magazine says that Eva Mendes has temporarily put aside her evil plan to take down the Power Rangers and is instead pointing her Orb of Doom at that Gosling-stealing, two-bit hussy whore Rachel McAdams. A source (aka a drunk intern who also runs the We Hate Evil Menses Tumblr on the side) tells Now that ever since Rachel McAdams broke up with Michael Sheen, she's been wiping her heartbroken tears on the shoulder of her ex-piece Ryan Gosling. Eva, whose right eyebrow always looks like it's in the "bitch, step back" position, is really raising her eyebrow in the "bitch, step back" position, because she wants Rachel McAdams to step away from her man.

Apparently, Rachel and Ryan stayed friends and talked every now and again when she was with Michael Sheen, but now that she's single they've been talking on the phone even more. The source said, "Rachel's always kept in touch with Ryan, but now that she's split with Michael, she's been calling him and using him as a shoulder to cry on. It hasn't gone down very well with Eva, to say the least, but Ryan wants to be there as a friend for his ex."

Well, since the LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian/Brandi Glanville feud is the bottom shelf version of the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston feud, we needed a middle shelf version too and here it is. This is something to keep hope alive for those McGosling fans who think The Notebook is real-life and Ryan and Rachel will be sucking rain water off of each other's faces in the end. Ain't no love like Canadian love.

This shit probably isn't true, but it still makes for the perfect triangle. Rachel McAdams is a wholesome-looking white angel with golden hair like a melted halo and Eva looks like an 80s soap opera villainess who can steal your man and half of your company in one day. I mean, she even dresses like Alexis Carrington (see: pictures of her outside of Letterman below). So that is why I will always wear a Team Eva t-shirt from Kitson (do they still sell that shit?).

This is what happens when Lindsay Lohan's day in court is scheduled for the day after International Drunk Day (aka St. Patrick's Day). LiLo's latest date with the California Justice System is this morning and she was supposed to fly out from NYC to LA on Saturday, giving her a full day to get court-ready glamorous. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up and can't stop fucking up, she skipped her flight on Saturday to see a band instead. TMZ says that LiLo made it to the airport on Sunday night for a 6pm flight and her ass actually got on the plane, but right before takeoff, she jumped off the plane. Apparently, LiLo thought the plane was leaking gas. Dealers should really put a "Warning: May Cause Extreme Paranoid" label all on their 8-balls, because coke paranoia is a real thing.

TMZ says that the plane was delayed over an hour due to an issue with the gas tank or something, so LiLo got scared, thought it was going to crash and got off of it. Bitch probably thought she saw a colonial woman on the wing, churning butter. She was churning butter! Or LiLo probably thought she saw a gremlin pulling parts out of the airplane wing. Bitch, that wasn't a sabotaging gremlin. It was just your reflection in the mirror.

LiLo claims that she wasn't the only one who got a final destination vibe from the flight. She says that 35 other people also got off, because they felt the flight was not safe. The plane did up end stopping in Las Vegas to refuel before landing in L.A. after 11pm.

LiLo spent most of her night in the airport lounge trying to get one of her johns to lend him a private plane. At around 2 or 3 in the morning New York time, she finally got a ride on a private jet from the dude who owns Mr. Pink Energy Drink.

Mr. Pink's private plane was supposed to land around 7am PST time and she's supposed to be in court by 8:30 this morning. That gives LiLo less than 90 minutes to make it to court. We all know what's going to happen. LiLo's going to show up late and cry about how her car got a flat tire, got carjacked by gang members and after hitchhiking for an hour, she finally got a trucker to pick her up. But those gremlins who sabotaged her plane must've also sabotaged the traffic lights in L.A., because they hit every red light! The judge will shrug, tell her to do better next time, validate her parking and then send her on her way. Nothing is going to happen to this mess.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand she's going to be late. TMZ says that Mr. Pink's jet isn't scheduled to land until 8:11am, which gives LiLo less than 20 minutes to get to court on time. It's not going to happen, so ho better start pulling those excuses out of her asshole right about now.

Before and after Ann Curry was dumped from the Today show, there were dozens of stories about how Matt Lauer was the one who ordered a hit out on her and he's the one who drafted her walking papers. Fuel was added to that fire when Ann hugged everybody but Matt on her last day. With Good Morning America beating Today in the ratings, Matt is now trying something called last-minute damage control. Matt tells The Daily Beast that while everyone was thinking he's the one who dragged Ann out the exit door, he was telling NBC to give her more time as his co-anchor.

Some source tells The Daily Beast that when Matt was told that Ann was out, he begged them to give her more time before pushing her into a smaller role. Steve Capus, the former president of NBC News, backed up that source's claim by queefing this out:

“When Matt was informed that we had made this decision, his good counsel was to go slow, to take care of Ann, and to do the right things. He was quietly and publicly a supporter of Ann’s throughout the entire process. It is unfair that Matt has shouldered an undue amount of blame for a decision he disagreed with.”

Matt admits that before Ann was let go, he took her to lunch and told her that he initially didn't want her as his co-host. Ann didn't have an agent at the time, so Matt advised her to get one right away. Ann already had an open sore on her heart from knowing that she was about to lose her job and then Matt pissed on that open sore by telling her he never wanted her to have the job in the first place. How nice of him. Matt really is supporting.

Matt then said that he knows Ann's firing wasn't handled very well.

“I don’t think the show and the network handled the transition well. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that. It clearly did not help us. We were seen as a family, and we didn’t handle a family matter well.

In some ways being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants. It makes you hungrier ... I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a fire lit under your ass.”

What I got from this piece is that when Matt takes you out for a work lunch, he's only taking you out to tell you that he wishes he wasn't having lunch with you, because he wishes you weren't hired to work alongside him in the first place. What I also got from this piece is that Matt likes his side hos to dip their fingers in some hot sauce before fingering his b-hole.

Even though there's comparison picture after comparison picture after comparison video of Nick Minaj's pre-fame and current face, she tells Extra that a plastic surgeon's scalpel has never touched her mug and you can go ahead and slap a certified organic sticker on her forehead. While whoring out her new shade of lip paint for MAC, Nicki said that she's sick of hos saying that she's had her nose chopped and cinched, because she hasn't. Nicki told those hos to educate themselves by watching an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.

”I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup.”

Let me fix that for you, Icky Mirage. "I've had surgery on my face, ass, eyeballs, teeth, tongue, hair, ear lobes, fingernails, saliva, belly button and all the other parts that are listed on the human anatomy page on Wikipedia . Yes, yes, yes, look at RuPaul's Drag Race and you'll see that those done up queens look three thousand percent more natural than me on any given night of the week. When people see my pinched nose, they think all types of crazy things and they're right! It's plastic!"

Much better!

Nicki must've contoured the shit out of her plastic surgery denial, because I almost believed it for a second.

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to drag her pregnant slug lips into a court room in Los Angeles tomorrow morning to face a judge, but surprise, surprise, she's not going to. TMZ says that LiLo's NYC lawyer Mark Heller gave a letter to the judge in California from her doctor on Park Avenue that says that she's got the flu, or something, and can't get on a flight, because she doesn't want to infect the other passengers. Mark Heller also gave the judge an article from the New York Post about how the flu has become the biggest threat to NYC. Correction: LiLo is the biggest health threat to NYC, the flu is a distant ass second.

LiLo could go to jail for lying to the cops in that car crash case and the judge said in a hearing a couple of weeks ago that she must show her face in court. Mark Heller isn't going to be in court for her and LiLo's ex-lawyer Shawn Holley wants nothing to do with her anymore, so she won't be in court either. The judge could either issue a warrant for her arrest for once again pulling a bullshit excuse out of her ass or the judge could play nice and reschedule the hearing.

TMZ is accusing LiLo of doing something she never does, LYING, because they have pictures of her shoplifting shopping in SoHo on Saturday, the same day the doctor diagnosed her with the flu. How dare they accuse an innocent and honest human person of lying! I'll have them know that Lindsay Lohan has the walking flu (sort of like that walking pneumonia she had). She has to walk around stores in SoHo and steal things or it'll get worse. Her doctor says so and everything.

And LiLo is really getting out of court with a doctor's note? That's some 8th grade shit. I'm surprised she didn't use the excuse almost every girl in my 9th grade P.E. class used when they didn't want to go in the pool: I'M ON MY PERIOD! Strangely enough, I used that excuse too when I didn't want to go in the pool and it worked.