It's Not Easy Being A Cunt

While getting drunk with Australian radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O at a dinner in NYC the other night, Goopy Paltrow continued to whine about how the Met Gala sucked (translation: if she wanted to be around that much down river trash, she would've went to Arby's), was too crowded (translation: full of Z-list gutter whores) and she also said that they're all too old to be dressing punk (translation: She knows she looked like a hot pink skid mark and she was jealous of Madge's old ass). Goopy then told Kyle and Jackie O that the melodramatic tantrum queen that is Kanye West threw a little hissy fit during his performance, because Kanye is Kanye and his heart will stop beating if he doesn't act like a twat at least once a day:

"Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don't know why."

"I don't know why..." Um, because Kanye is always a glum cunt (copyright: Mad Mel Gibson) and freaks out over everything. He probably yells at his shits when they're not shaped right. And he yells at his peen when it doesn't cum while he's fapping in the mirror. Then when he does cum, he yells at his cum, because if it wasn't for his cum he would've never knocked up a Kartrashian.

If only gravity was random.... If it was, that mic would've bounced back up and hit him in the face. It would've been yet another point for inanimate objects.

And if you want to hear Goopy talk about her vagina looking like that of an 8-year-old, here's her full talk with Kyle and Jackie O.

via UsWeekly

If you've ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you're crazy. But if you're going to go, go next year, because it's going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she'd rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she's really saying is, "I'm totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn't want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that's not my weekend maid's name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses."

If you're wondering if Russell Crowe still barks at nearly every trick he comes across, he does! Rebel Wilson was on The Tonight Show on Tuesday night and talked about how when she was younger she won the the Nicole Kidman Scholarship at the Australian Theatre for Young People. Years later, Rebel was at a restaurant in Sydney and saw Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe eating together. Rebel wanted to thank Nicole, so she sashayed up to the table and before she could say one word, the throbbing, pus-filled, hairy taint wart greeted her the way he greets everyone!

"One time in Sydney, I saw her having dinner with Russell Crowe and I go, 'OK, now's my chance. I'm going to say thank you. I went up to them but, before I could say anything, Russell Crowe turns to me and says, 'Fuck off!' I just put my head down and walked the other way..... But thanks, Nicole!"

The hell did Rebel Wilson expect? It's Russell Crowe.... and he's got a plate of food in front of him.... and she's coming at him. You never mess with Russell Crowe and when he's got a plate of food in front of him, you take two steps back.

Russell Crowe was just being Russell Crowe. Bitch curses out baby birds that fly too close to him. Bitch screams at kittens that look at him too long. Bitch doesn't have ass lips anymore, because he raged them off a long time ago. Rebel is lucky he only cursed her out. At least he didn't throw a phone at her or even worse, sing live for her.

via Yahoo

Seen above walking through an airport in Lodz, Poland without a blouse on because toddlers get the coke sweats real bad, Justin Bieber is being investigated by the police in L.A. after he got into a messy screaming match with his neighbor outside of his mansion in Calabasas, CA at 9 this morning. The neighbor told the police that the thug chickenhawk got violent with him and threatened him.

TMZ says that The Lesbeater and his neighbor fought over one of his newest toys: a Ferrari. The Ferrari was delivered to Justin's house last night while he was traveling home from Europe and this morning he played with it by driving it up and down the street. The sound got on his neighbor's last nerve and he felt like Justin was endangering innocent lives by speeding down the street. The neighbor  went over to Justin's house, got in his face and they started yelling at each other. The neighbor told police that Justin physically attacked him, but the Biebs denies it. A source says that Justin went inside and his security guards escorted the neighbor off of his property.

So, some brat with too much money is annoying everybody around him by being all loud while playing with his fancy toys? I've seen this movie before. It's called Blank Check. We need Tone Loc to step in and stop the madness.

And if I got into a screaming fight of words with Justin Bieber's tiny ass and he slapped me around and I didn't slap back, the last thing I'd do is tell the police. I wouldn't tell anyone. That's like admitting that a 3'10", 50lb girl named Amber grabbed you by the hair and dragged you back and forth across the playground in the third grade. (By the way, I'm not admitting that. Amber only dragged me by the hair across the playground once! Not back and forth!)

Earlier this week, Matt Lauer tried to convince everyone that he's not the one who put Ann Curry on a bus headed straight for ByeBitchville and he should get 0% of the blame for the way her firing went down. Matt admitted that NBC didn't handle it right and he also said that he tried to get them to give her more time as co-host. Matt's damage control campaign came 9 months too late. The New York Times says that Matt is only trying to wash away the skid marks from his image now, because his popularity is falling faster than the hairs on his head.

Last month, staff members from Today and executives from NBC got together to talk about what they learned from focus groups. What they learned is that most people answered "HELL!" when asked where in the world do they want Matt Lauer to go to next? The viewers didn't exactly come out and say that they'd rather get a pap smear from a porcupine than watch Matt Lauer, but they did say, “What matters most is the anchor connection to the audience; what we need to work on is the connection.” Translation: WE HATE MATT LAUER!

Good Morning America kicked Today off of its morning show throne last April and that's when Matt Lauer's popularity started to drop. The Times says that when Ann was fired, Matt's popularity really went down the toilet.

Mr. Lauer’s Q Score — a measure of likability, treated as gospel by the TV industry — has fallen by more than half since he was paired with Ms. Curry in June 2011. It was a 19 that September; by this January it was a 9.

For the first time his counterpart on “Good Morning America,” George Stephanopoulos, has a higher score. For Mr. Lauer “the drop started happening in the beginning of 2012, and it’s slowly eroded since then,” said Henry Schafer of Marketing Evaluations, the company that surveys thousands of viewers to come up with the scores.

Several people who work for Today told the Times that Matt's contract will not be renewed when it expires in 2014. A rep for Today told EW that they aren't firing Matt and he can stay as long as he likes. What they mean by that is they're not going to renew his contract, but they're going to let him say that he's quitting, because he wants to spend more time with his wife, children and side pieces.

I've said this before, but Ann never worked as co-anchor. I liked her when she was telling me about Syria, but I didn't like her when she was sucking on the air that Brad Pitt exhaled. Ann needed to go and the rest of them need to go to. Fire Matt! Fire Al! Fire Atlanta (or whatever her name is)! Fire all of them! Replace them all with kittens. Kittens work for cheap, they aren't smug and they won't fuck all the interns.

It's always a sad day when a member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Forehead Vein goes after a fellow member.

In 2010, Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozing Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie during her stand-up act in New Jersey: “She's a home wrecker, she is. She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don’t fucking believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Cause you’re a fucking cunt … you’re a fucking bitch.”

In the same year, Chelsea said this about Angie Jolie during an interview with Katie Couric for Glamour: "Yeah, I'm not a fan hers. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid. [Jennifer Aniston] makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."

In 2012, Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie when More asked her what her idea of a non-girl's girl is: “Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”

And on Watch What Happens Live last night, Chelsea kept stabbing at Angie's forehead vein with her own forehead vein when she said this to Andy Cohen:

"She seems like a demon. It has nothing to do with Jennifer. As a woman, I know when you see somebody walking across the room that's a bad girl. I just don't like Angelina Jolie. I don't think she's a girl's girl. I like girl's girls!"

How in the hell can drunk ass Chelsea see anything across the room when the room keeps spinning? What really impresses me about this is that Chelsea keeps coming for St. Angie time and time again and nothing happens to her. Angie's godfather God hasn't struck her down, the head of a grey goose hasn't shown up in her bed and she hasn't ripped her eyes out from reading all the insane rants the Brangeloonies send her. I guess sunning your skin until it turns into salmon leather and guzzling down more vodka than any given Lohan really does make you invincible!

via UsWeekly

Last month, Yan Linkun, an official from Chinese People's Political Consultative Committee, went full cunt at an airport gate after he missed his flight, because he was too busy eating breakfast. A soundless video of Yan's hissy fit meltdown made the rounds last month, but now there's another video with sound! Dude threw a stapler, pulled shit out of their sockets, kicked a machine and tussled with a sign, and he did it while a bunch of people stood around wishing they had a bag of popcorn to nibble on as they enjoyed the show. Bitch lost it like Kanye West after Givenchy told him that they sold the last leather kilt with a built-in mink jock strap. Bitch lost it like Chris Brown on any given day of the week.

Everybody take note: If you're going to lose your mind at an airport gate, do it in China. Because if you do it in the US, they will taser your ass, hog tie you, interrogate you for hours and make you apologize to that stapler. Then they'd punish you forever by seating you in front of a boot-wearing kid with Restless Leg Syndrome every time you got on a plane.

via Towleroad

Kunty Karl isn't the only designer who will look a basic bitch up and down and dismiss her with one hand while delicately fanning his beauty with the other. Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik, seen above dressed like a dainty ring bearer at an Easter time wedding, can't be bothered with the likes of such simple mice girls like Annanda Hathafried or Amme Seythaway, or whatever their names are, because he's way too busy worshiping at the feet of real screen goddesses like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle. Random, I know. Manolo is obsessed with Twin Peaks and while talking to Interview Magazine (via P6), he said that they just don't make 'em like Lara Flynn Boyle anymore. (Shhh cállate, nobody tell Manolo what Lara Flynn Boyle did to her face.)

Manolo pulled a "Harpo, who dis woman?" on Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried while declaring his undying love for the beauties of Twin Peaks. Shade on, shady queen, shade on:

Well, last time, I had this, what do you call it? What is it called, this, this thing here? [Blahnik's hands circle over the right side of his torso] Forget about it. I forget about the diseases that I have. I don't want to know. But anyway, so I have this thing here, and when I went to this award at the Savoy, I was 40 degrees [centigrade] in temperature, and I said to people, "Please forgive me that I'm out of it." And I was waiting to be photographed. And I almost fainted on that girl, the tiny woman from France, no, from Mexico . . . Salma Hayek. But she's a sweet girl, beautiful. I love that. This is what I really love: Where are those girls? I was looking the other day, Lara Flynn Boyle in Twin Peaks and that other girl Sherilyn Fenn—they're old-school girls like Elizabeth Taylor, and I think that's so fabulous. David Lynch is démodé now, if you look at his films. I looked at them the other weekend. I said, "I'm going to stay in bed, I can't take anymore." And so I watched the whole series of Twin Peaks. I was in heaven. And I realized how bad it is.

And then Manolo starts rambling about some other movie before he gets back to slobbering over Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle:

Then I saw these girls like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle that should be working now instead of these anonymous girls. They're all the same. I don't even know Amanda Seyfried or whatever—they're all the same! I try to remember—the only one I remember is Julia Roberts because she's particular. Anne Hathaway . . . Pretty? Yes. Wonderful actress? Yes. But, I mean, I don't even remember her. What is it about her?

.....I'm not saying she's not beautiful or a great actress. I just don't remember her.

Manolo must not go on the Internet and the one TV he owns must only play one channel (The Twin Peaks Channel), because how can you not remember Anne Hathaway? Every time you open your laptop and turn on your TV, her TEEFS are hitting in the eyes. She's everywhere!

And Manolo made a huge mistake by admitting that he thinks Anne Hathaway is forgettable. Anne Hathaway wants everyone to remember her forever! Anne is going to break into Manolo's fan room and replace all his fans with fans made from her head shots. Anne is going to replace his Twin Peaks box set with The Anne Hathaway Box Set (available in stores the day after the Oscars!). Anne is going to replace the velvet painting of Sherilyn Fenn over his bed with a velvet painting of Anne Hathaway.

Anne Hathaway will not be forgotten!!!!

And when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, she'll look into the camera and say, "Guess you'll remember me now, you dusty old queen!" *mic drop* But sadly for Anne, Manolo won't be watching. He's going to watch Boxing Helena instead.

Not a day goes by in NYC when you don't see smoke rising out of Alec Baldwins's ass and smell the burnt scent of his nipple hairs singeing as he screams into the face of a pap. It happens all the time and you really haven't made it as a pap until noted asshole Alec Baldwin has cursed your ass out. But a photographer for The New York Post says that yesterday morning in the East Village, Alec Baldwin went from grouchy old cunt to grouchy old racist cunt. G.N. Miller, a retired NYPD detective turned staff photographer for the Post, says that Alec called him a "coon," "a crackhead" and a "drug dealer" yesterday morning. Calling someone a "crackhead coon" would be okay if they looked like this, but G.N. Miller is black, so the Post is calling Alec a racist now.

G.N. Miller says that he and Post reporter Tara Palmeri were outside of Alec's apartment yesterday morning to ask him about his wife Hilaria Thomas getting sued. Surprisingly, Alec Baldwin didn't greet them with a sunshiny smile and a platter full of pink-frosted donuts with sprinkles on top. Alec Baldwin is Alec Baldwin so he brought the rage on their asses. Tara says that he grabbed her by the arm and told her, "I want to choke you to death." Alec then turned to G.N. Miller and called him a "coon" and "a crackhead." When G.N. Miller told Alec that he was a retired NYPD detective, Alec pretty much farted on that claim and said he was lying. Alec then flirted with G.N. when he told him to "suck his dick." Alec didn't stop there either. G.N. went on:

“He was saying some serious racist stuff. He said some choice words about my mother, and he was telling people in the street that I’m a drug dealer. He could have said a lot of other stuff. But he used all of the stereotypes associated with black people.”

Both Alec and G.N. Miller filed police reports. Instead of leaving it at that, Alec kept the fuckery coming in full doses by tweeting (and then deleting) this mess:

Thank u 2 NYPD officers who came to my home 2day so that I could file a formal complaint against NY Post “photographer

Moments after I tweet about the Post, Ralston, the ex-crackhead ‘photographer’ shows up at my door w 1 of Murdoch’s nieces in tow.

Ralston claims he’s ex NYPD!! That can’t be!!! Ex NYPD don’t become crackhead, ex jailhouse paparazzi!

I'm not really up on the old timey racial slurs, so I have no idea what a "Ralston" is.

Alec denied calling G.N. Miller a "coon" and said that he's the victim in all of this. Alec told Gothamist that G.N. Miller banged into his shoulder on the street and he thinks that the photographer was trying to get him to lose his mind and do something stupid (it worked). Alec also said on Twitter that he's obviously not a racist since he's given money to an African American charity once:

I find it ironic that my foundation's last grant was $50,000 to the Arthur Ashe Learning Center.

Well, I guess "I'm not a racist, I gave money to a black charity!" is the new "I'm not a racist, I have a black friend!"

Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn't love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would've called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I'd like to think that he didn't stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn't want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.

But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn't Fist Brown refusing to stand, it's the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire's favorite outfits. Now that's some shit to stand up for.