Do You Need A Moment?

Bitches who said that one of the original first ladies of crazy, Sean Young, can't even get arrested in Hollywood are gargling and swallowing their words this morning, because the insane bitch who paved the way for fellow crazies like Spaz de la Huerta was thrown into handcuffs after she brought the insanity on a security guard at the official Oscars after party last night.

TMZ says that after the Oscars, Sean hung around the entrance to the Governors Ball with a group of friends. Apparently, Sean didn't have a ticket to get in and was trying to crash that shit. The security guard knew that Sean was trying to be slick and slip in, so he kept telling her to try the after-party at the IHOP on Santa Monica instead. You can't keep a crazy bitch away for long and Sean kept trying to get in. The security guard finally had enough of her shameless trying and the two got into it. The security guard says that Sean slapped him in the face and that's when he busted a CITIZEN'S ARREST on his ass. Sean was taken to a police station in Hollywood where she was kept for four hours.

TMZ has a video of Sean leaving the police station at 2 in the morning and the smell of teeth dust will hit your nostrils as soon as you start watching it. Sean should go into ventriloquism, because I don't know how the words made it out of her mouth while she was doing the 4th gear coke grind with her teeth. Dr. Drew's track record remains unblemished (of success stories that is).

Sean tells TMZ that it's the Academy's lawyer's fault. Sean said that she was at the party with friends when for no reason at all, the Academy's lawyer told the security guard to arrest her ass. No, Sean's side of the story makes no sense, but Sean never makes sense and I want off of this planet as soon as Sean starts making sense. Sean Young's crazy makes Dlisted go 'round!

And before Sean was arrested for impersonating a famous person, she managed to take pictures with the likes of Sandra Bullock, the owner of Angie Jolie's right leg and a sunburnt Santa Claus on meth. Sean should've worn her homemade Catwoman costume, because then she would've gotten the respect she deserves!

Not since Pumkin gave New York a saliva facial on Flavor of Love have I seen a spray of spit hit a face like this.

The size small bag of British muscles known as Jason Statham was out apartment shopping in NYC with his girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whateverly yesterday when he greeted an aggressive ass paparazzo with a warm load of foamy mouth spooge. There are some hos who would gnaw their leg off with a pair of old dentures to get it in the face from Jason Statham and he's out there giving it away for free.

So if an item on your cum bucket list is to get sprayed in the face with Jason Statham's bodily fluids, then just come at him with a camera. Make sure you shut your eyes and tell him to watch the hair. Also, have a medic standing by, because I'm pretty sure his saliva has biceps on it too.

On Watch What Happens Live last night, the Beast Vincent of hip hop, Lil' Kim, let the piping hot hate she feels for Fire Marshall Minaj (copyright: ONTD) melt her frozen face so she could move her mouth to say that only a stupid ho would write a song called "Stupid Hoe." The bitch battle royale between Kim and that dark-sided Linda Blair wannabe Nicki Minaj is alive and well. It's never going to end until they finally go at it and all that's left afterward is a patch of Barbie hair and a puddle of silicone.

I know I called Kim a "stupid ho" in my headline, but I've always liked her ass. Kim's face reminds me of La Toya Jackson's fourth generation face (I think Toy Toy's on her fifth by now) and she gave me my life motto: "You ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this." That said, I can't with her ass and I can't with Nick Minaj. When it comes to female rappers, the only teams I'm on are Team KHIA and Team Oaktown 357!

Here's Nicki's arch rival at The Blondes show in NYC yesterday looking like Mufasa in Swan Lake.

"See, judge, see, that evil blond bastard is abusing MY daughter! It's like he's purposefully teaching her how to plank backwards to make her and me look stupid. That's abuse. Do something! Do something! I'm an Oscar winner!" is probably what came out of Halle Berry's mouth in court yesterday as she presented the above picture to the judge as evidence that Gabriel Aubry is a threat to Nahla. It worked, because a judge ruled yesterday that Gabriel can't spend quality time with Nahla without a court-appointed babysitter (or should I say, baddaddysitter) making sure he doesn't kidnap her and take her to France to live with his fiancé. Oh wait, that's what Halle's trying to do. I get their crazy antics confused sometimes.

Gabriel was ordered back to court last month after the nanny accused him of raging at her while she was holding Nahla. The nanny filed a police report against him and The Department of Children and Family Services was brought in to investigate. The nanny also claims that Gabriel called her a racial slur several times and yelled at Nahla in front of her. Radar reports that after DCFS wrapped up their investigation, they recommended to the judge that Gabriel not be alone with Nahla for the time being. That means he'll have a monitor sniffing on his ass (Can I apply for the job?) every time he's with Nahla and overnight visits aren't an option anymore.

I'm going to look on the bright side of this mess instead of making yet another joke about how Nahla would be better off being raised by the crackhead hyenas from The Lion King than these two lunatics. In fifteen years or so, Nahla will be able to blame all her bad decisions on her fucked up parents and she'd be correct. And think of all the crazy stories about her crazy parents she'd be able to tell the hos at the bar. And think of the tell-all! This whole "raised by two mental hospital refugees" thing isn't turning out to be so bad after all. /sarcasm

I'd say you had a good night if you came stumbling out of a club with scratches on your arm, blood running down your leg, a gut full of coke bloat, sweaty strands of hair in your face and your scattered emotions switching from "I LOVE ALL Y'ALL!" to "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" in the blink of a side-eye. But when I see Whitney Houston stumbling out Kelly Price's Grammy party looking like this, I don't need to see any receipts before I shake my head while cursing Ray-J's crooked dick for this. It seems as soon as Whit hopped on Ray-J's crooked dick for a second time, she got struck with the crackhead fever again. My feelings about all of this are best expressed through the sea of endless side-eyes around Whitney.

I don't know how I feel about it, but 2012 is turning out to be the year of leaky singers. No, I should think positive. Maybe that's not blood on Whitney's leg. Maybe that doody bubble finally popped. That's a trail of relief running down her leg.

UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.

In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.

via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."

LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

Connor Cruise, the 17-year-old son of Tommy Cruise and the sometime son of Nicole Kidman, has once again proven that old saying "the rotten apple doesn't fall from the insane fucking tree" right. Since Connor has a famous last name and can press play on an iTunes playlist, he DJs at fancy events now and DirecTV hired him to play songs at their pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday night in Indianapolis. Connor's ex-publicist, Todd Krim was also in Indianapolis for the Super Bowel and after the New England Tom Bradys (since he's obviously the only player on the team, Gis) lost against the Giants, Todd rubbed the loss into the Pats-loving skin of Connor Cruise by Tweeting this to him: “Sorry @TheConnorCruise maybe next year!!!”

Just like his daddy, Connor has the sense of humor of one of Xenu's wet dingles and so he freaked out at Todd in an e-mail response to him. Never fuck with your former publicist, because they will pass that e-mail to Page Six:

That was a gay ass [bleeping] tweet . . . U don’t say [bleep] like that about my team the second they lose. Low.”

Todd wrote back and said he was joking, to which Connor responded with: “That was [bleeped] and Idgaf!" Todd told Page Six that he was offended by Connor's rant and that he wasn't expecting that kind of response after everything he's done for him. Connor then jumped on the back of his rep's Big Wheel and back pedaled all the way back with this statement to P6:

"What I texted was unacceptable. It is not a reflection of who I am and what I feel, and it certainly won’t happen again.”

It's no surprise that Connor is redefining "spoiled," but is it really that serious? It's just a football game (insert a horse kick from Gisele Bundchen to my ass bone here). Connor should take his frustrations out by jumping on Oprah's couch or by calling Matt Lauer glib. There's no need to go [bleep]ing crazy on an adult over a stupid joke. That dumb joke wasn't low at all. Low is being a part of a church that won't let your Auntie John Travolta proudly lick on the Dominican peen he loves so much in public. That's low.

And what's with that "gay ass [bleeing] Tweet" shit? Let me fix that for you, Connor: "That was a MY FATHER ass [bleeping] tweet." There, that's a little better.

As Gisele Bundchen did the walk of sadness through the stadium after her husband Tom Brady lost out on his tenth million Super Bowl ring and a bonus that was going to pay for a water slide in his $20 million mansion (Tom Brady is not weeee-ing today. Sadface.gif.), some Giants fans heckled her ass by saying that Eli Manning owned her husband. Instead of telling her haters that Tom gets to go home and dry his losing tears on the chichis of a Brazilian supermodel, she complained to her friends that the blame goes to her husband's teammates. The Insider (via Hollywood Life) posted the video that I'm sure is going to convince the owners of the Patriots to fire all the coaches and hire Gis instead! This is the subtle stream of bitchery that slipped out of Gis' mouth:

"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Somebody told me that since Tom has been with Gis, he's been 0-2 and he was on some kind of winning streak before that. So GINXELLE needs to blame herself. No, no, Gis really needs to blame God for this. Gis used the Catholic prayer tool known as the chain mail to get God on Team Pats and she was shut down. So Eli Manning didn't own Tom Brady, God did when he hit the "return to sender" button on all those prayers.

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!