The Other Two Kardashians
By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the "s" is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin' table.
xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris' whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick's dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples.
Jane: We’re getting the hook -- they're telling us we're out of time! Okay, wait -- is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is.
Kourtney: I would think he is.
Kim: (decidedly not feeling us) I don't really like questions like that.
Khloe: We got all of the preview of Scott at his parents'.
Kim: Even today. Honestly, it’s way too much. He has to start wearing some tighty-whities.
Khloe: He was wearing pajama pants and no undies and you could see it all.
Kim: So inappropriate.
Kourtney: It's like an elephant's trunk.
Kim: You guys!
Khloe: He kept going, “I’m trying to compete with Lamar” and I was like "Oh, stop it, you two."
Kourtney: I just got a Google alert, because Scott and I just had our date night.
Kim: You have your own Google alerts? We have that on record: Kourtney has her own Google alerts and checks them.
Kourtney: We went on a date night in the Meatpacking last night, so the story said, “The Meatpacking District isn’t the only thing packing meat!” Scott was wearing a suit with no underwear last night, so you could see, like, something.
Kim: What?! Like, that’s NOT normal. We have got to by him some underwear for his birthday or something. This is freaking me out.
Kourtney: He never has any!
Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don't remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn't snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position.
I have no idea who Mike Jerrick of Fox29 is, but I think I love him for doing an almost spot-on Kuntrashian impersonation seconds after interviewing them. The only thing his impersonation is missing is a melted rubber butt cheek with Sharpie eyes over his face. But he should still get all the Emmys for straight-up smiling in their plastic faces and then shading them as the feed went off. Mike pulled one of those "Oh, your hair looks cute (turns around) Ho looks like moist ass" moves you usually only see at family reunions and high school cafeterias.
And his co-anchor is trying to act like the good cop, but I see what she did there. We all know what she meant by "where this TRAIN takes you." Get her an Emmy too!
While displaying more raggedy, diseased, mangy and miserable creatures than the Kabul Zoo, The Colony in Hollywood hosted the Kardashians latest assault on America: The Kardashian Kollection for Sears. I guess this is the itchier side of Sears.
The Hazmat carpet was rolled out last night when Pimp Mama Kris opened up the kage door and let all of her top-notch whores model her latest money maker. You know, Pimp Mama Kris is at the top of her pimp game and rules those hos with a mighty cane made from Lucifer's tail, but I have to disagree with one of the choices she made last night. Why did Pimp Mama Kris let Khloe, Kim and Kourtney wear the krap klothes they're trying to sell to the masses? Big mistake.
You don't try to sell me a piece of trash by throwing it on a piece of trash! You dazzle that shit up. They make those cheap tacky clothes look even more cheap and tacky. Well, I guess Pimp Mama Kris should get some credit for achieving the impossible yet again.
The answer to the question "Can a leopard change its spots?" has finally been answered with an all-kanyes, bold-faced: YES!!!!!! A leopard will change its spots when it sees a Kartrashian in leopard spots. So don't be surprised when you see a lot of spotless ass leopards today.
Here's the couturiers of Sears, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian, leaving Vera Wang's store in Beverly Hills yesterday after a group of animal handlers fitted them for the dresses they're going to wear to Kris Humphries' soul-selling ceremony in a few days. What ever wang of Vera's they're going to throw over their bodies for the wedding will never be as horrifically fugly as the spool of Mrs. Roper's vomit they wore to the store.
To be nice, I'll say that Kourtney's dress would look a lot better if it was cut up into a bunch of pieces and wrapped around the mouths of all the Kardashian-Jenners. Then it would be beautiful. But Khloe's?! That hot pink parachute
jumpsuit dress might look good on Jonte, but that's about it. That circus jumpsuit dress makes Khloe look like she should be balancing on a ball under the big top while a clown in a top hat plays "U Can't Touch This" on an accordion.
And I'm not a farmer, but does Khloe have pregnancy nose?
On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
Not to be outdone by Anthony Weiner, Khloe Kardashian left her bra at the hotel and gave Fox News another tete to talk about.
While promoting her reality show with Kourtney Kardashian on Fox & Friends this morning, Khloe's nipple grew increasingly scared of returning to the hotel to find Lamar's teeth waiting to gnaw on it and it tried to escape. By the time censors looked in the FCC handbook to see if wookie nipple should have a black bar over it, Khloe's segment was already over. Khloe laughed it about in on Twitter and said that she loves that her tit was on TV.
I had a nip slip and I loved it! But my twat is fine! "@KourtneyKardash: Her twat is twisted. Has that happened to anyone?"
My mom just called me saying my nip slip is "all over the internet!" Ha! Is it weird that I love it?! Who knew nipples were so special?
Of course Khloe loves this. In the Kardashian household, slipping a nip on national television gets you a .5% raise in your allowance. And a Khloe Kardashian nip slip is extra special, because it makes all the sasquatches howl in the forest. Tim Peeler salutes Khloe!
From one post about a slutty 8-year-old princess ball affair to another. Khloe Kardashian posted dozens of pictures from the backyard party celebrating Kim Kardashian's staged engagement to that dude who looks like he's one brain cell away from having one brain cell. This party was also thrown to let Kris Humphries know that whatever identity he had will be erased since none of the pictures show any of his family members and this mess is strictly Kardashian.
This wreck looks like the birthday party Joan Crawford threw for Christina Darling in Mommie Dearest, except Christina was like 6 and Kim is getting too old for this shit. That Cinderella cake is more ridiculous than the fact that Kim has made $35 million from straight whoring.
Those poor glitter ponies. They're probably wondering why they have glitter up their anuses and have to entertain a bunch of douchebags while fellow horse Khloe gets to drink champagne and party. THIS is the face of a glitter pony who is filled with humiliation from having to pose next to two horse asses.
With all that being, Brucetina Navratilova is looking sexy hot.
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
The monster family built by Ray J's crooked dick and Ryan Seacrest's highlights are on the cover of Redbook Magazine and in it Pimp Mama Kris Kardashian says that they are always ALWAYS always working. For you and me, there's 24 hours in one day, but the day has created an extra hour just for the Kardashians. Or maybe Kim slows down the spinning earth by sitting on the ground. Whatever the case may be, Kris is sick of people saying they don't have jobs, because the fact is they work 25 hours a day! Kris puts it like this (via UsWeekly):
"It's annoying when I hear, 'What do your girls do?' Well, first of all, all of my daughters have jobs. They are fashion stylists and designers; they own a chain of stores. They had the stores before they had the show.
I've been whoring my kids out sinceAnd my kids worked from the time they were 13 years old. So to me, that's a huge misconception that the girls don't work. They work 25 hours a day."
They might not be singers or dancers, but they certainly know how to produce a television show. Whether you want to call it talent or not, they have multiple shows on the air. How many shows do you have?"
"How many shows do you have?" Shut your Larry from Three's Company looking ass, Kris! Delusional hag. I mean, SNOOKI is on a damn reality show. It can't be that hard. If we got dicked by a D-list R&B singer in a leaked sex tape, we'd all have reality shows too! Am I jealous? Maybe, because I've been trying to get Young Rome to return my calls for this very reason, and nothing. But maybe I'm being too harsh on these trash heap heifers.
Saying words in front of a camera. That's working! Looking at a flashing camera while standing really still. That's working! Using the ladder in their basement to step down into hell to chant before Satan so that he can keep their 15 minutes going?. That's working! Hanging food in the trees every night so Khloe can't get to it? That's working! Okay, I take it all back. They're the busiest whores in America!
The father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby, Scott Disick (the "s" is ALWAYS silent), is on the cover of Men's Fitness and somebody's fart (I won't tell, Khloe) must've clouded her vision, because this is what she had to say about it on Twitter:
I love @scottdisick's Men's Fitness cover!! He looks like James Dean!
4 hours ago via HootSuiteadfadf
This is just too easy. So I'm just going to do to Kourtney what my friends do to me when I tell them I'm going to marry Anderson Cooper one day. I'm going to purse my lips, politely nod, pat Kourtney on the head and then throw a fudge stripe cookie into the corner of the room so I can freely laugh behind her back.