This Is Our Future
When I was in the third grade, there was this girl in my class who grossed us out and entertained us at the same time by snorting a string of floss up her nostril before pulling it out of her mouth. We laughed, we cried and we heaved. I blame her for all of this.
Because teens of the internet have run out of weird shit to do, they're now challenging each other to the Condom Challenge. Unfortunately, the Condom Challenge isn't a game where teens put on condoms and keep them on as long as they can, forever and ever. I wish. This fucked up shit involves sticking a condom up your nostril and snorting it up until it comes out of your mouth. This is what happens when a school's sex education class loses its funding and the dudes from Jackass are brought in to teach the kids how to use a condom.
There's dozens of Condom Challenge videos like the messy one above on YouTube.
This is really what it's come to? Snorting condoms for sport? Snorting a condom is only okay if you're about to get into nostril sex, but that's it.
via The Daily What
In "I Can't Believe This Shit Didn't Come From The Onion" news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn't Harry Styles' new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren't even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.
Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn't get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don't like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he'll have less time to tweet with them. Here's some death threat tweets to a puppy that'll make you feel really hopeful about our future:
And a couple more:
"I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe"
"Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?"
You know you need to set the parental controls on your child's laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They're going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he's sticking his tongue on it instead of them.
To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There's a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy....and that special place in hell doesn't have WiFi or cell phone service. You're all grounded!
Courtney Stodden has pulled another Party City wig out of her toy chest and once again showed us that she's either suffering from chronic boredom like a 13-year-old on summer break or she's slowly losing her mind or both! Courtney Stodden's last alter ego, Courtina, looked like a refugee from Donald Trump's harem and she talked like Bjork if Bjork didn't have a tongue. This time, Courtney threw a Paris Jackson wig on her head and dressed up like a freelance day-shift stripper at Fangtasia to play her Emo goth sister Courtland.
Courtland calls Courtney a fame whore and says that Doug Hutchison is a washed-up D-list saggy bald actor. (Well, she got two out of two right.)
I don't even know... Is this some long-running performance art piece and it won't be long before we find out that Marina Abramović and Yoko Ono are her co-mentors? Is Courtney Stodden going to rip her face off to reveal that she's really a Wayans brother and this has all been an elaborate viral marketing campaign for the reboot of In Living Color? Is the Spice Channel making a resurrection and their first show is a porn variety show and this is Courtney's audition tape?
This mess looks straight out of a porn parody of Sybil and I hate Doug and Courtney for making me type the words "porn parody of Sybil." That's not right.
In the span of 9 days, Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 announced that she was knocked up with a do-over baby, filed charges against her husband of a few weeks for allegedly beating her ass and then went to the hospital because there were complications with her pregnancy. Then early this morning, Jenelle and her ex-boyfriend Gary Head live-tweeted her miscarriage. As I file legal papers asking for extradition to another planet, read this mess:
Pimp Mama Kris doesn't know what to do first: slow clap or take notes.
One of Jenelle's friends told Radar this morning that she did lose her baby and so her mother Barbara doesn't have to move to a different city and change her name, because it turns out she won't have to take care of another kid. A lot of commenters at Radar think that Jenelle was never pregnant and she and her husband Courtland Rogers came up with this scam to get a quick check from Radar. So either Jenelle live-tweeted a fake miscarriage or she live-tweeted a real miscarriage. Whatever the case may be, I'm still going to try to jack a space pod from the Scientology garage, because it's the only way I'll get off this planet. I'll meet you there. Don't give Jenelle our forwarding address.
Every sign of rules in the pool area of every South Florida apartment complex needs to be updated to read: No Diving. No Alcoholic Beverages. And Absolutely No Filming Of Booty-Popping Videos Starring 6-Year-Old Boys.
In a music video that's like an air kiss to Child Protective Services, 6-year-old mini rapper Albert Roundtree Jr. of South Florida raps about poppin' booties while surrounded by a pool full of garbage barge hos in bikinis. This mess is like a Naughty By Nature video as seen through the eyes of PedoBear. All the adults involved in this full blown fuckery need to be arrested. Albert's parents needed to be arrested for spending their money on this ILLEGAL foolery rather than spending it on getting that boy's hernia looked at before it pops all over the place. Those hos need to be thrown in the back of a paddy wagon for shaking their asses at a little boy who doesn't even know what the hell he's rapping about. Although, maybe they're extra dim in the brains and mistook that boy for Flavor Flav without his gold-plated grill on. They still need to be arrested and charged for taking part in this Mary Kay Letourneau-approved shit.
But the most surprising thing is that this boy isn't a Smith.
If the sanctity of motherhood is going down, it's going to take whatever corroded pieces are left of the sanctity of marriage with it. That sound of two shotguns cocking (side note: That sounds kind of hot, but it's not in this case.) you just heard was from humanity putting the barrel up to its heart and from a shotgun practicing Snooki's wedding march. Because People says that not only is an Oompa Loompa fetus getting drunk in Snooki's pickled womb, but she's also engaged to her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle. While I love the name Snooki LaValle since it sounds like the name of a John Waters character played by Pia Zadora, I cannot condone this mess. This is not going to end well FOR ALL OF US!
As the employees of New Jersey's Child Protective Services cheer this news because it means they'll all have jobs for the next 18 years, Snooki's ex-piece Emilio Masella tells TMZ that he hopes she has a miscarriage:
“I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage. When I was with her, she said she wanted twins. She would always say ‘Let’s have twins.’ I would def recommend her to get a paternity test to see who the father is because I’m sure there are other subjects. Vinny could easily be the father.”
Snooki shouldn't get her feelings hurt over that shit, because Emilio totally didn't mean to be rude or anything. We should all learn from this roid-damaged piece of douchewad shit. Whenever you're about to fist pump a trick in their emotional place by saying some truly fucked up shit, start off by saying "not to be rude or anything" and you won't hurt their feelings. Let's try it! Not to be rude or anything, Emilio, but I hope the earth miscarries you by spitting you out into the universe. See! It actually sounds nice. I should go back and add "not to be rude or anything" to every sentence I've ever written.
And here's the soon-to-be mother of every year, JWoww and their pieces shooting their reality show in Jersey City yesterday.
After Chris Brown moved his lips to a track (TWICE) at last night's Grammys, Buzzfeed posted an ode to the rapture in the form of a list of "25 Extremely Upsetting Reaction to Chris Brown at the Grammys" and it could also be titled "25 Reasons Why The Gods Above Should Push The Red Button On Humanity And Let The Puppies, Kittens And Roaches Run The World." If this isn't a suicide note from civilization, then I don't know what is. 2012, take me away!
I can't believe I'm blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn't resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to "Shax" to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it's safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.
Quoted from In Touch: "What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.
Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter “X”. A childhood friend of Shiloh’s mom isn’t one bit surprised.
“Angelina was also a tomboy,” the friend tells In Touch. “She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age.”
Vince? Okay I'm just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she's much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I'm sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!
In Touch Weekly
The only thing about to say about these pictures of The Lesbeaver and Selena Gomez in Los Cabos, Mexico today is: JORTS!!! Okay, I have another thing to say: ARMPIT WIG!!! (There's no way he grew that on his own.) Now I'm going to clear my cache and give my laptop a bleach bath.