Marilyn Manson

I hope you have a Baby Wipe or wet nap near you, because Marilyn Manson definitely left a lip stick (shade: pre-period surprise) stain on your monitor. Wearing less paint on his face than your average Kardashian, Marilyn Manson pulled himself out of his Hot Topic-brand bedroom coffin to pose at the Hollywood premiere of Spring Breakers last night. Because of that white flour on his face and that dark red lipstick, Marilyn looks like an uncooked, deconstructed black cherry pie that dried out from sitting on the counter so long.

Marilyn brought his latest piece Lindsay Usich who sort of looks like a Taylor Armstrong wax figure that was put together using parts from a Lana Del Rey wax figure and a Molly Ringwald wax figure. Obviously, Marilyn and his piece were the hottest couple there even though Ashley Benson and James Franco tried to claim that title with their STUNT QUEEN whispering on the red carpet. I don't know if Selena Gomez is smirking, because she can't with that public display or stuntin' or because she remembered that she once dated Justin Bieber.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere of the movie version of a cum-stained Body Glove tank top. In order: MM with his piece, the cast, James Franco, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens with the ATL Twins and Ashley Benson.

Warning: If you don't want to have a seizure and if you care about your ear holes, don't put your mouse tip over the play button. Now that we've gotten that warning out of the way, at around the 1:13 mark, Marilyn Manson stops singing "Beautiful People," drops and barfs out whatever was in his stomach bag (homemade absinthe, Lucifer's jizz and maple syrup-flavored coke... well, he was in Canada) before trying to go on with the song. Some of Marilyn's fans who were standing in the back couldn't see what was happening on stage and the sound of him yacking sounded better than his usual singing voice, so they knew something was up. The band kept playing before they realized that it wasn't part of the act. EMTs came on stage and took the sick antichrist off the stage.

Marilyn later told TMZ that when he got to Saskatoon yesterday, he had the sicks in a bad way, but didn't want to cancel the show. When he got on stage, it hit him harder and that's when the barfs came. Marilyn skipped the hospital and went to his hotel room to rest instead. His Canadian tour will go on and he plays Calgary tomorrow.

The flu really isn't here to mess around. Marilyn Manson gives a human sacrifice (or an Emily the Strange doll from Hot Topic, he's not picky about his sacrifices) to his creator the devil every week and the flu still screws with him.

I haven't stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl's garage. The only thing it's missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it's dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.

Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson's crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen's Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn't get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she's pie, I'm going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.

And I wish I was about to tell you that Barry Manilow's got Marilyn Manson's zombie cream smeared all over his lips, but no. Before Marilyn Manson and Lana Del Rey, made everyone ask themselves "But where's the fourth horseman?" by posing for this picture with Barry Manilow at the Echo Awards in Germany yesterday, the two got close at a charity event in Berlin. An ONTDer posted the pictures and proclaimed, "NEW COUPLE ALERT!" Marilyn and Lana Del Taco apparently left the event together and snuck into the same hotel. Marilyn sure does have a type and that type is any trick who is stoned enough to lick on his wrinkled powdered donut hole without vomming up her dignity.

Whores throw a lot of shit bombs at Lana Delrrhea, but I don't hate her and that's probably because she's like Chicken Cutlets if Chicken Cutlets sedated herself down to play Jennifer North in a public access remake of Valley of the Dolls. But the only thing creepier than Blahna Del Nay humping on Marilyn Manson (who is transforming into an extra bloated Nicolas Cage as Skrillex) in a hotel room is if Barry Manilow was in the corner finger banging his innie while humming the melody to "Please Don't Be Scared."

Say what you want about Marilyn Manson (examples: he's turning into an old Lydia from Beetlejuice, a chick has to dip her coochie in make-up remover whenever he eats her out, he's definitely getting too old for this shit, etc...), but he always manages to pluck the most graceful flowers out of the WTF garden and his latest piece is no exception. Marilyn left Chateau Marmont last night with a gorgeous specimen who wore an elegant peek-a-puss dress exclusively from Bristol Palin's prom night collection, a pair of Lee Presson gloves, a puffy pussy patch (for shy sluts who believe you should leave labia to the imagination) and a face that could beat Kim Kardashian's face in a natural beauty competition. I like to call this perfect look: So THIS is what happened to Baby Jane.

Marilyn's ex pieces all say that living with him is about as pleasant as a wet fart to the face, but I have a feeling this one's going to last. Mostly because she's wearing a mask and probably can't see his face too good.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to not stuff my mouth hole with shopping carts full of deep fried Wonder Bread and corn syrup sandwiches as usual, because I'm sick of being as bloated as a marshmallow in the microwave. Sucking in is hard work and should be an Olympic sport. And sucking in while trying to lick a nipple is pretty much impossible!

At the advice of my nutritionist/doctor (aka MY MOM), I've been trying to drink more water sans Kool-Aid and eat more things that grow out of the ground. It's gross, it's hurtful and it's messing with my emotions. So because of this, I'm looking at the above picture of Marilyn Manson at Spike TV's Scream Awards and all I see is a deep fried ball of dough that is overstuffed with raspberry pie filling and covered with powdered sugar. The raspberry filling is even seeping out a little. MAKE IT STOP! I should not look at Marilyn Manson's nutsack of a face and see dessert! And when I look at Mickey Rourke all I see is a delicious plate of chicken parm with a heaping splash of bread crumbs on top.

Fuckit. This has gone way too far. Healthy is obviously not for me. I'm going to Key Foods tonight to get a pack of unbaked pie dough and I'm going to proudly eat that shit while waiting in line to pay for it.

There's good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I've heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he's no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood's inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.

The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A's STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.

"They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends," says another source.

Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, "You dropped ASkars for that?!"

The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he'll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he's getting too old for this shit, so I'm sure he'll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.

Here's Evan Rachel Wood with Marilyn Manson on the set of her movie Sk8R Gurl: The Avril Lavigne Story. No, Evan is actually in the Bronx on the set of Mildred Pierce, but she really does look like the Abbey Dawn clearance bin at Kohl's jumped her ass and she lost miserably. You can find Evan scratching an Anarchy symbol into the plastic tables in the quad when she's not vodka eyeballing with the skater boys behind a Rite-Aid.

Don't ask me how Evan is still slurping on Marilyn Manson's peen. You know that shit leaves a film of rotten yogurt on the top of her mouth afterwards. And every time I look at Marilyn, I see Kristen Stewart in 20 years which is not a good thing.

Here's Evan, Marilyn and Kate Winslet walking around their workplace in NYC yesterday.

Evan Rachel Wood left STK in Los Angeles last night with her fiance Marilyn Manson (aka The Eater of Dreams) and she tried to look like she was not trying to show off her engagement ring. Bitch please. Stop trying to be slick. Just keep Marilyn busy in the backseat of the car by giving him a wrapped twinkie, and then proudly show off your stupid ring to the cameras. Marilyn wouldn't mind, because I'm sure he made the ring himself using the crushed bones of vampires and rock candy.

And I really wasn't joking when I called Marilyn The Eater of Dreams. I mean:

If the townspeople of Springwood threw powdered donuts at Freddy Krueger instead of burning him, he would look just like Marilyn Manson. 1...2..Marilyn's coming for fondue....

Evan Rachel Wood, 22, and Marilyn Manson, 41, barely got back together last month, and The Mirror is saying they already engaged to be married. A source says that at one of Marilyn's shows in Paris recently, he asked Evan to be his wife. Evan, who was probably high from constantly inhaling the Wite-Out he uses on his face, said "Yes."

Nothing good can come of this. Let me rewind.... the only good thing that can come of this is the wedding. That will be like an Emo kid's Halloween-themed MySpace page come to life. Think Platinum Weddings: The Hot Topic Edition.

Instead of releasing doves into the sky, Marilyn will bite a dove's head off Ozzy-style and spit it at the mother of the bride. Instead of kissing the bride, Marilyn will cut the bride and drink her blood. Instead of Evan carrying a bouquet of fresh roses, she will carry a bouquet of dead roses and baby doll heads. Instead of riding off in a horse-drawn carriage, they will ride off in a coffin on wheels. And does anyone know if Forest Lawn hosts weddings?