I'm Taking Notes
That tricky little crackie. Just when a judge ordered Lindsay Lohan to undergo random weekly drug testing, she shuffled off to the dentist to get her wisdom teeth pulled out. That is why she's all bandaged up and looking like the Flying Nun after crashing into a crack house. That is also why she's now allowed to swallow delicious drops of the good shit.
LiLo's lawyer tells TMZ that her surgery was cleared with her probation officer and any meds she's taking for pain are allowed as long as that shit is prescribed by her dentist.
So I'm guessing that by the end next month LiLo will be toothless, tonsil-less and rolling around in an electric wheelchair because she "accidentally" broke both her ankles at different times. White Oprah taught her well!
Oh, M.I.A. where have you and your cuntified tongue been all my life? I just want to miniaturize myself so that I can sit on M.I.A.'s bottom lip and give her words of cuntery a quick hug before they come flying out of her mouth.
Last month, the ever-so-crazy M.I.A. flicked Lady Gaga's urethra when she said she "isn't progressive." And in a new interview with The New York Times, M.I.A. once again yanked at Gaga's tuck with this:
“With our video, we were really copying ‘Telephone'. Both our videos are road movies. We kill people, and they kill people. They start out in a prison, and we start out in a squat, hunting people down...... I can’t talk about Gaga anymore. All I’ll say is, it’s upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they’re calling her name.
You can’t really say that Gaga is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."
Babies aren't calling Gaga's name when they say "ga ga." They are calling her name when they fart. WELL, M.I.A. started it! I'm just trying to follow the master.
Over the weekend, the News of the World unofficially crowned Sarah Ferguson the true Duchess of Pimps after they posted a video of her trying to whore out her ex-husband Prince Andrew for $750,000. The tape was part of an undercover investigation to get Fergie to agree to sell business access to Prince Andrew, who is a British trade representative. The NOTW says they heard on the stroll that Fergie was willing to sell access to her ex, so they sent in an undercover reporter (posing as a fancy businessman) to catch her in the act!
In the video, Fergie accepts a $40,000 down payment and tells the undercover reporter that she will introduce him to Prince Andrew and open any door he wants. Fergie also claimed that Prince Andrew knew of the deal and told her to demand $750,000. Fergie says on the video, "He knows that he's had to underwrite me up to now because I've got no money." Prince Andrew swears Fergie is lie-telling and he didn't know anything about what was going down.
After the NOTW published their ESCANDALO expose, Fergie came out and apologized to the royal family for trying to pimp their shit out. Fergie said, "I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment caused. It is true that my financial situation is under stress. However, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment, and I am very sorry that this has happened. I can confirm that the Duke of York was not aware or involved in any of the discussions that occurred."
Scotland Yard says that Fergie did nothing illegal, so she won't be shuffled off to the chokey at this time.
You can't fault Fergie for doing what she needs to do to keep her wine glass filled with her medicine and her lungs filled with fag smoke. The Weight Watchers money dried up a long time ago, and Prince Hot Ginge keeps telling her to "FUCK OFF" when she asks him to pose for tasteful nudes, so what else is she supposed to do?!
And while watching this sequel to The Grifters, I kept waiting for Patsy and Edina to stumble in to tell Fergie to hurry her ass up before they huffed all the gas from their waiting car.
You might have already thrown a side-eye at Newsweek's piece by Ramin Setoodeh about how he thinks proud peen lover Sean Hayes isn't convincing as a straight dude in Promises, Promises on Broadway, and how the openly gay Jonathan Groff from Glee seems more like a "theater queen" than a dude in love with Rachel. Basically, Ramin thinks that it's hard for some people to take a straight character seriously when you know a gay actor is playing him. Here's a little snip of the article (you can read the whole thing here):
The revival hands the lead over to Sean Hayes, best known as the queeny Jack on Will & Grace. Hayes is among Hollywood's best verbal slapstickers, but his sexual orientation is part of who he is, and also part of his charm. (The fact that he only came out of the closet just before Promises was another one of those Ricky Martin-duh moments.) But frankly, it's weird seeing Hayes play straight. He comes off as wooden and insincere, like he's trying to hide something, which of course he is. Even the play's most hilarious scene, when Chuck tries to pick up a drunk woman at a bar, devolves into unintentional camp. Is it funny because of all the '60s-era one-liners, or because the woman is so drunk (and clueless) that she agrees to go home with a guy we all know is gay?
Sean's Promises, Promises co-star Kristin Chenoweth has already thrown a fist at Ramin by calling his article "horrendously homophobic," and now Glee's creator Ryan Murphy is urging everyone to boycott Newsweek until they release a dozen "I'm Sorry" balloons into the sky. Ryan, who released the full letter through EW, writes:
I would like to join my good friend Kristin Chenoweth on her condemnation of a recent Newsweek article written by Mr. Ramin Setoodeh, in which Setoodeh basically says that out gay actors should go back into the closet and never attempt to play straight characters. This article is as misguided as it is shocking and hurtful. It shocks me because Mr. Setoodeh is himself gay. But what is the most shocking of all is that Newsweek went ahead and published such a blatantly homophobic article in the first place…and has remained silent in the face of ongoing (and justified) criticism. Would the magazine have published an article where the author makes a thesis statement that minority actors should only be allowed and encouraged to play domestics? I think not.
Today, I have asked GLAAD president Jarrett Barrios to stand with me and others and ask for an immediate boycott of Newsweek magazine until an apology is issued to Sean Hayes and other brave out actors who were cruelly singled out in this damaging, needlessly cruel, and mind-blowingly bigoted piece. An apology should also be issued to all gay readers of the magazine…steelworkers, parents, accountants, doctors, etc…proud hardworking Americans who, if this article is to be believed, should only identify themselves as “queeny” people (a word used by Setoodeh in the article) who stand at the back of the bus and embrace an outdated decades old stereotype.
The only magazines I buy are tabloids, Dog Fancy, Real Simple (well, I need to know the 20 uses for a spaghetti jar), and CoCo Magazine, so the Newsweek boycott doesn't really affect me. But I will say, what in the fuck is Ramin going on about?
Sean Penn is a noted vagina addict and he won an Oscar for playing a gay dude. Neil Patrick Harris prefers to cuddle up to a warm weenus at night, and he has been nominated for an Emmy for playing a cooch chaser on TV. And what about TOM CRUISE?! I mean, Tommy Girl isn't even human and he's made zillions of dollars from playing one in movies. SO THERE!
First came the news of the demise of Larry King's marriage, and now People says that Mel Gibson has returned his Russian baby mama Oksana Grigorieva to the gold digging factory from which she came from! We're all getting dumped today! It's National Jessica Simpson (or Jennifer Aniston, depending on what your mood is) Day!
Mel and Oksana have only been dating for a little over a year, but apparently they broke up shortly after the birth of their 5-month-old daughter. A source says, "They just drifted apart. They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise Lucia together."
You know, Oksana is proving to all gold diggers in training out there that you don't have to get married to get paid. Pop out the baby, collect your check and be on your way to the next mark. Oksana's already has Mel Gibson and Timothy Dalton's pictures on her Wall of Fame, so I wonder who's next. Gird your sperm, because she's coming!
If the donation basket at your church goes missing or you find that someone snatched a $5 bill out of your wallet in the middle of the night, it was probably Nas who did it! That's because a judge has ordered that he must pay Kelis $47,249.42 in back child support payments. And that is not all!
TMZ reports that Nas must also stuff Kelis' cleavage with $40,454 in back spousal support and $48,549.83 for her accounting expenses. Nas' checking account will also take another hit, because he has to fork over 90% of her legal fees which total $155,787.28. Furthermore, Kelis will get a monthly $10,000 check from Nas until he pays off the $299,015.50 he owes her in spousal support.
I bet Kelis' eyes were shining bright yesterday with all the sparkly dollar signs floating around her head. DAMN!
Kelis is my hero of the minute, because not only did her milkshake bring all the boys to the yard, but it also brought all the mooooonies to her wallet.
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon, star of the rare 90s diamond Models Inc., recently found out that her husband of almost 9 years, CAA agent Mike Nilon, has been creeping out on her with a chick in Chicago. Garcelle didn't pull an Elin by attacking her husband with a club. Instead, Garcelle let everyone in Mike's office know that his dick has been wandering. Yes, bitch exercised her right to CC EVERYONE! It must have been a sea of side-eyes at Mike's office that day.
Page Six says that Garcelle titled the e-mail: "Tiger Woods/Jesse James/Mike Nilon". Garcelle went on to say, "What do they have in common . . . I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don't deserve this!"
This is basically like the classier version of going down to your man's job and screaming to the receptionist to call his cheating ass out so you can beat him with your shoe.
You know, why didn't I ever get mass e-mails like that when I worked in an office? The only mass mails I got were about leaving food in the sink and piss on the toilet seat. Not about sluts in Chicago. Boo.
Garcelle didn't confirm or deny the e-mail, but she had this to say to E!: "My focus at this time is on my kids and healing the pain. There will be no further comment."
So everyone at Mike's office can stop hitting the "get mail" button on their inbox, because Garcelle isn't going to write a sequel anytime soon.
Gary Dourdan's girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo was arrested last month on suspicion of domestic abuse after she allegedly scratched at him during a fight. Well, TMZ says that prosecutors have dismissed the case, because they believe the scratch on Gary's neck was not created out of rage....but out of nut busting ecstasy instead. Gary and Maria both told police that they weren't fighting the night she got arrested, they were actually getting their orgasm on.
Apparently, one of the neighbors mistook their jizz-churning fuck moans as violent screams. When the cops arrived, Gary tried to explain the sexuation to them, but they arrested Maria anyway after peeping at the scratch on his neck.
Um. Who doesn't know the difference between sex sounds and fight sounds? Gary and Maria must be throw around some nasty violent talk in bed. Maria was probably screaming shit like, "Call the ambulance, because I'm going to break your bone!" and "Say goodbye to your huevos, because my pussy is going to beat them off your body!" And Gary said shit like, "Draw a chalk outline of your vagina on the floor, because I'm going to murder it tonight! Cooch Scene Investigation!" Freaky ass freak bitches!
Kiely Williams, a former member of 3LW and the Cheetah Girls, is desperately trying to shed her squeaky clean Disney imagine by taking ho shit to the extreme.
The beginning of Kiely's song "Spectucular" has all the makings of an official theme song for Dlisted (e.g. "Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off"). I know you're shaking your head like: "Yup, been there and already told it to the priest in confession."
But then Kiely takes a sharp right down date rape alley, and that's when things get uncomfortable (e.g. "I think he pulled a track out when he was blowing my back out! What was I drinking? I can’t believe I blacked out...I must have been on drugs...I hope he used a rubber or Imma be in trouble. Promise I don’t remember, except for rolling over"). Seriously, this song should come with a rape kit.
Dlisted is still in search of a theme song, but the makers of GHB just found theirs!
And the video. THE VIDEO! This bottom of the barrel shit looks it was made using clips from police surveillance footage of a prostitution stakeout in Jersey City, a karaoke video for a 2 Live Crew song and re-enactment scenes from a Dateline NBC special on date rape.
......make sure to smile a money shot smile and perk your titties up, because there's a good chance a motorist could be taking your picture! And your mother would be so upset if you were caught on camera not smiling.
The Sun says that German police want to arrest the romantic couple above for doing sexy times in the middle of a busy road in Krefeld, West Germany. One motorist said that the two bumped fupas for almost 10 minutes. A local cab driver added, "I nearly crashed my cab, it's not something you see every day in the middle of the road."
The cab driver obviously never drives by Gerard Butler's house, because this is an hourly occurrence over there.
If the police really want to find these road whores, all they need to do is check the nearest buffet or ask the local clinic if a dude with chaffed nalgas and gravel bits stuck in his asshole came in for treatment.