Alec Baldwin

While wearing Demi Moore's old crotch shrub on his face and neck, Shia LaBeouf went on The Late Show last night to promote some movie and he had to a few words to say about the douche fight with Alec Baldwin that got him fired from the Broadway play Orphans. During the first week of rehearsals, Shia rubbed Alec the wrong way and vice versa, and since nobody likes the smell of hemorrhoid friction, LaDouche was fired. Shia then released a bunch of emails between him, the director, the producer and the cast. David Letterman asked Shia about the feud last night and he kind of sort of explained it.

Letterman: So why did you get fired?

Shia: I think because me and Alec had tension as men, not as artists, but as men. That became a hard thing to deal with. When you've got tension as men, that's tough till July. It's cool for increments, but I think to do that for a long period of time would be tough.

Letterman: Had you known Alec before?

Shia: I met Alec briefly before we started.

Letterman: How would you describe your relationship with him now?

Shia: I hope it's pretty good. He's a great actor and I wish him the best of luck.

Letterman: Now can I suggest a couple scenarios? Alec went to the producers and said, 'I can't take it another day, fire him.'

Shia: I think that might've been what happened.

Letterman: Really? No, I just made that up.

Manly tension? What kind of prehistoric age shit? Shia makes it sound like he and Alec grunted at each other, bumped chests and then had a contest to see who could club and bring back the woman with the biggest child bearing hips. (Actually, that's exactly what happened, I'm sure). But seriously, manly tension is the best kind of tension. Shia and Alec just didn't know how to handle it. When you've got too much manly tension in the room, bring out the lube (or the jar of cooking grease from under your kitchen sink), clean out your asses and lay down the plastic tarp. Break that tension on each other's butts. Tom Cruise knows what I'm talking about, because it's how he handles all disputes with other men.

Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn't the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia's face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here's what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:

"I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks."

With that, Shia should've taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he's keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play's director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here's one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:

"Don't be too surprised if Alec doesn't look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he's not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don't want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, 'Oh, I guess he's just going to read it.'"

And here's an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:

Alec - That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I'm so fucking tired.

Shia - I'm a hustler. I don't get tired. I'm 26, chief.

Alec - Listen, boy. I'm not your fuckin' chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let's go.

Shia - Yes, sir.

Daniel - I think he's nervous.

Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it "I'm Not Your Fuckin' Chief." And "I'm a hustler, I don't get tired" sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.

Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but "Beef Squasher" is John Travolta's Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!

And here's LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.

Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old "creative differences" excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.

A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia's "performance choices" and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn't keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone's responses. Shia's email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he's the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:

“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. - Shia.”

A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, "Hit the brakes, Shia!"

UPDATE: Shia LaDouche's "a man" monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!

And here's Alec's response. It's best if you read this in Michael Caine's voice, because I'm pretty sure this is one of Alfred's speeches from Batman:

“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”

Shia responded with, "Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You'll be great."

And Tom Sturridge responded with:

“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”

I think what Tom really meant to write was, "Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you're smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I'm going to need your dealer's number."

And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:

“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“

Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren't all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you're a character in a superhero movie. "You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should've listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

And since we've gone this far, let's go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here's Shia's audition video:

The reporter from The New York Post who claimed that Alec Baldwin threatened to choke her ass out and called a black photographer "a crackhead" and a "coon" recorded the entire brawl of words and gave the tape to the NYPD. The photographer says that an entire diarrhea of racist shit trickled out of Alec's mouth during their fight. But someone who has heard the tape tells TMZ that Alec never shat the word "coon" from his mouth and he didn't tell the reporter that he wanted to choke her to death. Alec told her that he hopes she chokes to death. Big difference!

Right after the Post accused Alec of going off like an 80-year-old racist hillbilly grandpa who's drunk on moonshine, he denied it all and said that he can't be racist since he's given money to an African American charity. Even after TMZ posted their story, the Post stood by their story and claimed that the NYPD's Hate Crime Task Force is investigating this mess.

Gothamist tried to get the NYPD's Hate Crime Task Force to confirm that they're investigating Alec's mouth, but they refused to talk about this.

Who really knows if Alec said it or not, but if he did, it'd totally be out of character for him. I mean, usually when he insults someone, he adds a million adjectives to it and dresses it up. See: goat-footed wheezy old queen and rude thoughtless little pig. Or maybe Alec is trying to get minimal with his insults.

So I guess for now we can go back to thinking of Alec as an angry piece of dick meat instead of an angry and racist piece of dick meat. And here's Alec silently choking a reporter out with his eyes while walking around yesterday.

Not a day goes by in NYC when you don't see smoke rising out of Alec Baldwins's ass and smell the burnt scent of his nipple hairs singeing as he screams into the face of a pap. It happens all the time and you really haven't made it as a pap until noted asshole Alec Baldwin has cursed your ass out. But a photographer for The New York Post says that yesterday morning in the East Village, Alec Baldwin went from grouchy old cunt to grouchy old racist cunt. G.N. Miller, a retired NYPD detective turned staff photographer for the Post, says that Alec called him a "coon," "a crackhead" and a "drug dealer" yesterday morning. Calling someone a "crackhead coon" would be okay if they looked like this, but G.N. Miller is black, so the Post is calling Alec a racist now.

G.N. Miller says that he and Post reporter Tara Palmeri were outside of Alec's apartment yesterday morning to ask him about his wife Hilaria Thomas getting sued. Surprisingly, Alec Baldwin didn't greet them with a sunshiny smile and a platter full of pink-frosted donuts with sprinkles on top. Alec Baldwin is Alec Baldwin so he brought the rage on their asses. Tara says that he grabbed her by the arm and told her, "I want to choke you to death." Alec then turned to G.N. Miller and called him a "coon" and "a crackhead." When G.N. Miller told Alec that he was a retired NYPD detective, Alec pretty much farted on that claim and said he was lying. Alec then flirted with G.N. when he told him to "suck his dick." Alec didn't stop there either. G.N. went on:

“He was saying some serious racist stuff. He said some choice words about my mother, and he was telling people in the street that I’m a drug dealer. He could have said a lot of other stuff. But he used all of the stereotypes associated with black people.”

Both Alec and G.N. Miller filed police reports. Instead of leaving it at that, Alec kept the fuckery coming in full doses by tweeting (and then deleting) this mess:

Thank u 2 NYPD officers who came to my home 2day so that I could file a formal complaint against NY Post “photographer

Moments after I tweet about the Post, Ralston, the ex-crackhead ‘photographer’ shows up at my door w 1 of Murdoch’s nieces in tow.

Ralston claims he’s ex NYPD!! That can’t be!!! Ex NYPD don’t become crackhead, ex jailhouse paparazzi!

I'm not really up on the old timey racial slurs, so I have no idea what a "Ralston" is.

Alec denied calling G.N. Miller a "coon" and said that he's the victim in all of this. Alec told Gothamist that G.N. Miller banged into his shoulder on the street and he thinks that the photographer was trying to get him to lose his mind and do something stupid (it worked). Alec also said on Twitter that he's obviously not a racist since he's given money to an African American charity once:

I find it ironic that my foundation's last grant was $50,000 to the Arthur Ashe Learning Center.

Well, I guess "I'm not a racist, I gave money to a black charity!" is the new "I'm not a racist, I have a black friend!"

The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don't need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie's home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.

To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.

And January wasn't the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair's coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).

"How dare you have the audacity to put on this ode to the 90s outfit without wearing a velvet choker, you rude, thoughtless, little pig!"

You know that voicemail from 2007 that you used pieces of for your ringtone? In the voicemail, Alec Baldwin nearly charred his tongue by rage screaming into the phone at his then 12-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin for not returning his calls. Page Six Magazine asked a now 16-year-old Ireland (seen above with her dad in July) about that crazy shit, and she brushed it off and said the entire thing was blown out of proportion the same way Alec blew his anus off while Mel Gibson-ing into the phone at her. Kim Basinger's doppelgänger daughter went on to say:

“The only problem with that voice mail was that people made it out to be a way bigger deal than it was. He’s said stuff like that before just because he’s frustrated. We almost did something funny on YouTube, of me calling him and yelling at him."

Ireland continued to defend her daddy's acts of HULK rage by saying this about his wonderful relationship with the paparazzi:

“My dad has been going through it for so long, I can see how he gets frustrated. If acting or modeling takes off, and I make a name for myself, I can see how I might get pretty frustrated.”

I think what Ireland Baldwin is really trying to say is that she's saving her thoughts on this mess for her Mommie Dearest-like tell all. I hope. In the meantime, every time she gets a voicemail from her father, she just feeds a bunch of spicy Indian food to a snarling pit bull and watches it fart out a ton of hot air. It's the same thing and less painful on the ears.

28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.

People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.

You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:

Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!

Alec Baldwin couldn't let another week go by without shoving the fear into a paparazzo and so outside of this apartment in Manhattan this morning, he proved to all of us once again that he should've played the grizzly in The Edge. TMZ says that the pap Alec went after has apparently been bothering the residents in his building. Since Alec is a protector of his own turf and loves a good reason to rage until the veins on his ass lips pop open, he squeezed the pap's arm while spitting out words of sweet love like "I want you to shut the fuck up" and "I know you got raped by a priest."

No word yet if the pap plans to file a police report, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we find out that Alec squeezed his left arm so hard it that it cuff off his circulation and he had to get that arm amputated. His lawyer Gloria Allred will tell us all about it during a press conference next week. So if you're a pap who needs some quick summer money and don't mind a tidal wave of hot Alec Baldwin saliva on your face: then just shove a camera at him and speed dial Gloria Allred's number as he chokes out your arm. INSTACASH!

Here's the video (via The Superficial) of Alec being Alec:

This is some serious comedy art at its finest. Alec calls the pap a "little girl" while holding a pink unicorn pillow pet. Alec might be an asshole, but he's a genius asshole.

Yes, that is two dozen holes away from being some Charlie Brown shit.

Yesterday, the latest battle in Alec Baldwin's war against the paparazzi went down after a NYDN photographer took pictures of him and his fiancee strolling out of the Marriage License Bureau in Manhattan. Alec raged so hard at that trick, that the pap's face contorted into an expression I like to call herp derp fraidiness. Alec is a melodramatic theatrical queen, so he continued to play with the paparazzi by wearing a masterful disguise while leaving a building yesterday afternoon. You know, because nothing will throw the paparazzi off like looking like a cone-less KKK member or Pac-Man's lunch.

After the Scooby Doo gang ruined Alec's disguise by lifting that blanket up, he went on CBS This Morning to talk about his smack down with the paps. The pap filed a police report, because he claims Alec fisted him in the chin. Alec is crazier than a bat enema, but he says he's not stupid enough to punch out a photographer.

"People think I'm out there just decking photographers willy-nilly, nothing could be further from the truth."

Remember when Alec called Mike Walker a "goat-footed, wheezy, old queen"? And now he's using the phrase, "willy-nilly"? When are we going to find out that Alec Baldwin is really Hetty King from Avonlea in an Alec Baldwin disguise?

By the way, my favorite part of these pictures is the old lady watching Alec. Since it's summer and a hot wet fart bubble has covered the city, every memaw will be sitting outside of her apartment building, because her A/C broke and she's not trying to have it fixed. That's why I feel safer in the summertimes, because I know that a nosy old lady is watching every move, every ho makes in public. A NYC memaw sees all!