Engagements

The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they're nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can't say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!

The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she's not wearing the ring, but they're currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they've always been one of my favorite couples.

I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she's standing up. That's love! They're the perfect couple. I can't wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, "You may now kiss the troll!"

It feels like it was just two seconds ago when the walking and walking ABC after-school special Jamie Lynn Spears was announcing that she got knocked up on the cover of a tabloid and now here's her 21-year-old ass announcing that she's marrying a dude who looks like he has a nickname for all his cars, closes down the bar at T.G.I. Friday's every Saturday night and calls every dude he knows "champ."

Brit Brit's little sister announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she's getting hitched to her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Jamie Watson. Yes, another damn Jamie. So when Jamie Lynn Spears moans out the name "JAY-MEEE" while getting it on, she's screaming out her name, her man's name and her dad's name. That's not creepy at all!

Jamie was engaged to that Casey Whatshisname, the father of her daughter Maddie, for a quick second, but they broke up for good in 2010. UsWeekly didn't say what Jamie Watson does for a living, but if he doesn't get a regular paycheck by playing a midwestern white husband accused of murdering his wife in crime show reenactments, he has missed his calling. And yeah, he's 30. Let's just assume that Jamie Lynn used the Benjamin Button Instagram filer on that picture.

JL also Instagrammed a close-up of the ring:

To answer your question, yes, that's the nicest ring Claire's has to offer. But now what I want to know is, when did Jamie Lynn start looking like every contestant on the Bachelor?

I really need to take a brush-up course on Marisa Tomei's love life at the University of Phoenix online, because I'm so not up-to-date on the goings on of her vagina, so I had no idea that Logan Marshall-Green has been making regular, if not daily, visits to it for over 4 years. Marisa and Tom Hardy's junior clone have been dating on and off since 2008 and now they're totally on in a major way, because InTouch (via DM) says they are getting married. When Marisa's best friend Rosie Perez asked her why in the hell would she marry a dude who is 12 years younger than her and has a baboon heart (LMG does not have a baboon heart), she said, "I don't make sense, he don't make sense, together we make sense!" Yes, I've watched Untamed Heart way too many times.

Marisa and Logan haven't confirmed this yet, but a source says he gave her an engagement ring around the holiday times, because everybody gave everybody an engagement ring around the holiday times. That source said, “He popped the question over the holidays. She is very happy."

Congratulations to Marisa and the dude with a beaver tail for hair. Will somebody please get them another fucking bike, a two-seater bike or a front chair (like this one) as a wedding gift? Just look at these bitches trying to ride double. You're grown up actors! You're not Cirque du Soleil acrobats or middle schoolers during summer break. Leave the "2 hos, 1 bike" trick to the professionals.

And "Logan Marshall-Green" sounds like the fancy, full name for a green loogie. Green Loogie only goes by the name Green Loogie instead of Logan Marshall-Green, because it doesn't want people to know it came from a rich family. The next time you cough up a green loogie, say you coughed up a Logan Marshall-Green. It'll make you sound way more proper and refined.

Taylor Swift, Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger are all shedding a single tear while fearing for the future of bearding, because they've lost another one. Matt Dallas, who was Kyle in Kyle XY, has publicly declared his undying love for peen on Twitter (via Towleroad) by announcing that he's engaged to a dude. So Matt Dallas shouted "I LOVE PEEN!" and then every dude with a peen who loves dudes who loves peen is like, "YAY! More options for me!" But then Matt Dallas breaks boners by saying he's not single and he's not an option. This is like if In-N-Out announced their new home delivery service and then in the next breath said that unfortunately, all delivery slots are filled forever! Sorry.

Matt Dallas coming out as gay is about as shocking and unpredictable as me announcing that I had a pot cookie and a cream soda for dinner last night, but he still did it. Matt opened the glass closet door and slipped out with this tweet about being engaged to singer/songwriter type Blue Hamilton.

The combination of Blue Hamilton sort of looking like Matt Dallas in the face and me having the Mondays in my eyes made me think to myself, "Matt Dallas is engaged to a Labrador? Congratulations, I guess, but the Labrador doesn't look really fucking excited about it."

You know you thought that too, don't lie.

(Pic via Tyler Shields)

Well, one way to pretty much get rid of those twat munching rumors is to get engaged to a man. Kelly Clarkson, star of the most important movie of 2003 From Justin to Kelly, is engaged to her boyfriend of a year Brandon Blackstock. Brandon, who's a talent manager and Reba McEntire's stepson, and Kelly announced yesterday afternoon that they're getting married. A few hours after they did that, Kelly showed off her totally demure and subtle engagement on WhoSay and explained it like this:

Everyone has been asking about my engagement ring, so here it is :) It's a yellow canary diamond with diamonds around it and Brandon designed it with Johnathon Arndt! They did an amazing job! I can't wait to make Brandon's ring with Johnathon as well!

THAT RING! It looks like a sucked-on Halls cough drop surrounded by diamonds. I'm patiently waiting for Claire's to file a lawsuit against Brandon Blackstock (Note: You don't know HOW bad my fingers want to type "Brandon BlackCock") for stealing one of their designs. It's nice that Kelly is getting married and everything, but does she really want to wear a ring that looks like diamond piss? That diamond is too yellow. It needs to drink more water.

via People

After letting out a stream of denials from the gap in her teefs, Bobbi Kristina has finally said that the rumors are true, she's engaged to the dude who was like a son to her mother. Bobbi Kristina makes the announcement on her family's new Lifetime reality show The Houstons: On Our Own and Nick Gordon tweeted a picture of the ring. If you look up in the sky right now, you will see that the clouds are spelling out the line "HELL TO THE NOOOOOO." That's Whitney responding to this mess from heaven. Rolling in the deep is what Whitney will be doing in her grave today.

Whitney pretty much raised Nick since he was a teenager and Bobbi Kristina considered him a brother, so some members of the family, including Whit's brother Gary, thinks their current relationship is some strange Games of Thrones shit. In the clip (which you can watch here if that's what you need today) for the Houstons reality show, Gary says that nobody in the family ever guessed that Nick Gordon would go from being a godson to making Bobbi Kristina squeal for god while they humped.

What makes this even more messy is that Cissy Houston is trying to keep Bobbi Kristina from her $20 million inheritance, because she's afraid all that money will bring out the gold diggers (see: Nick Gordon) and drugs dealers who will try lure BK back to the bad shit side.

Most hos can't wait to get away from their brother, but if Bobbi Kristina wants to do hers for the rest of eternity, then good for her. But that's not the most disturbing part of this to me. The most disturbing part is that Bobbi Kristina obviously isn't good at making decisions. I mean, how can she want to marry a dude with brows like that. Those brows should be in a garden, nibbling on rotten apples that fell from a tree. They shouldn't be on a human face! Those brows look like pieces of burnt flour tortilla. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover...unless that cover has some jacked up brows on it.

Kate Bosworth, the upside down broom that Hollywood decided to turn into an actress, has been rubbing her unflavored bits all over writer, director and actor Michael Polish of Twin Falls Idaho for about a year now and it seems like he's put a hitchin' ring on her skin-covered phalange. Kate wrote some post about her trip to Seoul, South Korea for Vogue and in it, she called MP her "fiancé." What does it all mean? Does this mean Kate Bosworth is engaged?! ("Yes, it means she's engaged and yes, answering questions about Kate 'Non-Muthafuqin Factor' Bosworth's personal life tells me that I need to spend my brain power on more important things like reading the ingredient list on a box of Knox Gelatine." - you) Here's what Kate wrote:

On our first day in Seoul, my fiancé, Michael Polish, and I venture out to discover Changdeokgung Palace. As soon as we enter, it is like magically being transported to a different world—this awe-inspiring, sprawling place was originally built in 1405. We explore ancient towers, pavilions, and the beautiful “secret gardens,” and the feeling is serene, peaceful, and ancient. What is interesting about Seoul is the juxtaposition between modern-day skyscrapers, towering over ancient preserved buildings.

BARF.

Kate used to regularly see the faces of all the Norse gods right before she came thunderbolts while riding Mount ASkars, so any trick she humps after that is going to be a major downgrade. With that being said, bitch did good for herself. In almost every picture I see of Kate, she looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. In almost every picture I see of MP, he looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. They're perfect each other! Together, they can look cold and hungry while they ask strangers for two cigarettes.

via People

Sofia Vergara's wearing a huge diamond ring on her hitchin' finger and Wonderwall says it was given to her by her on-and-off again businessman (and wannabe politician) boyfriend Nick Loeb. The same Nick Loeb who may or may not have cheated on Sofia in a coke-fueled orgy with a bunch of hookers in a hotel room. (Nick says that rumor is a lie-covered dingle dangling off of fiction's ass.) Sofia and Nick are in Mexico to celebrate her 40th birthday with 90 of her friends and family, and he took that moment to ask her to ruin her life by marrying him. Sofia said yes, but not everyone around her is queefing celebratory hearts. One source said:

"She's the nicest, sweetest, kindest person on the Earth, but she has a thing for bad boys. And she found one with him.

They have a crazy relationship. They break up and make up. They fight and make up hard!"

I bet they're one of those couples who ruin your party by having a fight in the middle of it. One of them locks themselves in the bathroom to cry into your bath mat and the other one sits in the chair by the cake cursing under their breath. You can't piss, because that ho is hogging up the toilet with their tears and you can't eat delicious cake, because that ho is sitting next to it and you don't want to wake the whining beast. That couple is the worst. Oh well, there's two positives in this. Sofia now has something to throw at Nick if she ever walks in and catches him with a mouthful of hooker poon. And it could be worse, she could be marrying Tommy Girl.

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are back from publicizing their relationship all over Europe and when they landed in LAX yesterday, she had a diamond ring on her finger. No, the diamond ring wasn't on her hitchin' finger. Jennifer wore the promise ring from her favorite Beanie Baby on that finger. The diamond ring was on her right ring finger and it's got Page Six asking if Justin put it there while proposing to her ass in Europe. Justin might've broken the old, crusty spinster curse an evil witch put on Jennifer Aniston many years ago. Does that mean Angie Jolie is going to turn back into a dragon and all her kids will turn back into cups, candlesticks and clocks? And Jennifer Aniston's Cabbage Patch dolls will turn back into human children? I forget how the fairytale goes.

Page Six also says that Jen and Justin were in Europe to look for places to get married.

That ring don't mean shit, because there's no way Jen is engaged. First of all, as far as I know Maddox hasn't turned into a cup or whatever. Second of all, if Justin did ask Jen to marry him, we'd know all about it before she screamed, "OH MY GOD YES YES LET'S DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND OH GOD GIVE ME YOUR PASSPORT YOU CAN'T LEAVE!"

As soon as Justin pulls out an engagement ring box, Jen will declare a Code: Apocalypse. A traveling midget photographer will jump out of her travel bag, editors from People will parachute in from the sky, and Jen's publicist and a SmartWater rep will set up a backdrop for the photo-op that reads, SmartWater: It Does Miracles! So yeah, the curse lives on!

Pull out the special occasion shopping cart grill (aka the vintage one from Target and not the rusty Piggly Wiggly one), plump up the possums caught in the cage trap last night and stock up on Twinkies (the Twinkies are the penises of pastries) from the Hostess outlet to make a four-tier wedding cake, because the chipmunk princess of the Cyrus clan is getting hitched Gale from The Hunger Games and Thor's brother. As my hair icon Memaw Cyrus poured hillbilly champagne (aka moonshine mixed with Mountain Lightning) into the family's Solo cups (not because they were celebrating, but because that's just what they drink with supper), Miley Ray Cyrus told People that at 19 years old, she's about to become somebody's wife.

"I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam," Cyrus, 19, tells PEOPLE.

Australian actor Hemsworth, 22, who met Cyrus when they costarred in The Last Song in 2009, proposed on May 31 with a 3.5-carat diamond ring from jeweler Neil Lane.

Liam Hemsworth is close to becoming a huge movie star so I'm not sure why he would sign up to spending every Christmas watching Noah Cyrus spin around on a candy cane stripper pole in the rec room to "Santa Baby" while Trace Cyrus nibbles on the tree in the corner. Doesn't Liam know that on his wedding night, Billy Ray is going to take him into the dark part of the barn to brand one of his ass cheeks with the Cyrus family crest (the mudflap girl breastfeeding a raccoon in front of the Nascar logo)? Why would he do this? Either we should be celebrating this engagement with a sawed off shotgun salute or Liam is just marrying Miley to get closer to the real beauty of the family: Memaw Cyrus. It has to be the latter.