Lil Wayne

On Friday night, TMZ had Lil Wayne's ass on his death bed and it looked like it was only a matter of time before his dreadlock wings flew him to the afterworld where he can swim in the River Sizzurp all he all wants and never has to sign his name on a child support check again. But Lil Wayne is alive and now he's out of the hospital.

The Louisiana gremlin checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. six days ago after he allegedly went on a Sizzurp binge and kept having seizure after seizure after seizure. They put him in ICU and stabilized his seizures. A source tells TMZ that he's feeling better and is going to lay low.

Meanwhile, his friend Birdman tells USA Today that Sizzurp didn't put Wayne on a hospital bed, working did:

"It didn't have nothing to do with drugs. No such thing like that. It's how hard he works. How much dedication he gives to his music and his fans. It had nothing to do with drugs. No such thing like that, to me. It was nothing about no drugs. Just needs to get some rest and relax. He'll be back, normal, like everyone else."

Are they really playing the exhaustion card when you know Wayne's breath smelled like the cough medicine aisle at CVS? Birdman might be on to something, though, because I know I'd be drowsy as shit too if I swallowed down an ocean full of Tussin. But whatever, Lil Wayne is out, so hide your codeine, hide your Jolly Ranchers and hide your ovaries and all that.

UPDATE: TMZ reports he is in critical condition but is stabilizing. They are also saying he's asleep, but before he conked out, he tweeted his fans saying that he's OK. Apparently Purple Drank gives you the power to sleep tweet. Lesson of the day kids, you shouldn't always rub a lil 'Tussin on it.

If you ask TMZ about Lil Wayne, they'll tell you he's in a coma right now and not doing well. If you ask his friend Mack Maine of Young Money/Cash Money about Lil Wayne, he'll tell you that TMZ is telling lies. First, here's TMZ's story...

TMZ says that Lil Wayne is in a coma at Cedars Sinai in L.A. and he's in a serious, serious way. Lil Wayne's family and friends have all shown up, because doctors aren't sure if he's going to pull through. Wayne's mom is currently flying to L.A. and apparently no decisions will be made about his health until she gets to the hospital.

Lil Wayne regularly suffers from seizures and on Tuesday night he was hospitalized after having a ton of seizures. Wayne was released on Wednesday, but he was back in the hospital that day after his bodyguard found him unconscious on the floor. Wayne was taken to the hospital again, but this time his condition was worse and they weren't able to control the seizures. They put him in ICU and had to restrain him to a bed, because he kept shaking. They put him in an induced coma and he's breathing through tubes.

The doctors found a whole lot of codeine in his system, so they think that Lil Wayne went wild and drank a pool full of Sizzurp when he got out of the hospital on Wednesday. There was so much Purple Drank in his body that they had to pump his stomach 3 times.

That's TMZ's story, but Mack Maine is tweeting something completely different:

 Wayne is alive and well! We watching the Syracuse game...thanks for the prayers and concern..he will update you all soon. #love

We will be releasing an official statement shortly but dont believe the nonsense about comas and tubes to breathe...that's false!!

Who to believe?! Well, hopefully Lil Wayne is fine and watching a basketball game, because he has like 10,000 kids (at least) to support.

Lil' Wayne has the paper bag book cover of faces, because it's covered in stupid doodles and if you look closely, you'll see where I wrote, "Will you go around with me? Circle yes for yes and no for no," before passing his face to one of my first beards Ruby in 7th grade math class. (Yes, I actually wrote that. It was my Tom Cruise phase.) Lil' Wayne's face was already a gallery of jacked up tattoos, but he turned it all the way up by getting the word "BAKED" inked onto his forehead. Fuse says that Wayne didn't get the word "BAKED" tattooed on his head, because that's the state his brain is always in, he got it to pay tribute to the skateboard company Baker. Whoring his forehead out for a skateboard company is one way Lil' Wayne wants to go through life.

If Wayne's love for Baker ever stops, he can always says that his tattoo is a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's or the Waffle House font. But seriously, Lil' Wayne is a dumb ass bitch of a goblin for giving that much forehead real estate to a skateboard company. If he knew what was good for him, he would've tattooed the following on his forehead: "WARNING - If you plan on letting me stick it in, make me wear ten condoms, overdose on the morning after pill and stick a Tyvek diaphragm up your coochie beforehand. If you don't, you will give birth to a litter of goblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around. You've been warned!" Lil' Wayne's got a lot of forehead, so that entire PSA would've fit.

Lil Wayne was on a flight from somewhere to somewhere last night when he had a seizure and the pilot had to make an emergency landing in Texas. Lil Wayne's rep said that was suffering from extreme migraines and dehydration. Yeah, migraine and dehydration. That's what his rep is going with. Anypullmydickharderwhydontyou, then today, Wayne got back on a plane headed to LAX and his body decided to not cooperate again. Wayne had an encore seizure while on the flight to LAX and the flight had to land in Louisiana.

TMZ says that when they landed in Louisiana, Wayne was taken to a hospital in Kenner and was treated there for a good minute before he was released. Wayne's rep denies that he had a second seizure and says he's been resting at home with a migraine. But TMZ isn't backing down and they are sticking with their story that Wayne made two trips to seizure-ville in 24 hours.

I'm not even going to speculate about what's causing Wayne's body to freak out. It could be one Purple Drank too many. It could be some condition none of us know about. It could be because his mega sperm hasn't fertilized an egg in the past 48 hours and it tried to jump out of his body. ("But I thought you weren't going to speculate." - you "Stop narc-ing on me, shit!" - me) I don't know what it is, but Wayne should probably stay off a plane, lay down face up and make one of his assistants pour an entire Sparkletts water jug into his mouth. Oh, and he should also get a pussy massager to work on his temples:

There are two things Lil' Wayne hates the most. Lil' Wayne hates his arch nemesis Gizmo and he hates stupid ass questions lawyers put in his ears. The Gremlin of Louisiana is suing Quincy Jones' son Quincy Delightt Jones III (that name just made my ass lips pucker out pineapple juice) over a documentary about him. Lil' Wayne was all about the documentary for a while, but took several steps away from it after he felt it focused too much on the escandalosoness in his life. Lil' Wayne now hates the documentary and wants all of his music removed from it. So he threw a lawsuit at Young Quincy and during the deposition, he acted like he would rather be brushing his teeth than answering questions and that's saying a lot.

TMZ got a hold of the deposition tapes of Quincy's lawyer Pete Ross started asking a bunch of basic questions that could've been answered just by checking Lil' Wayne's Wiki page. Wayne answered almost every question with the smart side of his ass. Here's a piece of the not-give-a-fuck hilariousness Wayne threw at Pete Ross while sitting in front of a judge:

Pete Ross: (After playing a clip of Wayne's interview with Katie Couric) "Is that an interview that you actually gave with Katie Couric?"

Wayne: "Is that an interview I actually gave with Katie Couric? What's your name again?"

Pete Ross: (laughs) "That's not the question."

Wayne: (to his lawyer): "What's his name?"

Wayne's lawyer: "Pete Ross."

Wayne: "Pete Ross, that's a stupid ass question. You just saw me on there giving an interview with her."

It gets better and you should really watch the whole thing, because this mess is entertainment. Wayne keeps rolling his eyes, puts his head on the table and continues to not give three shits about the questions coming his way. At the end of the clip, Wayne kind of threatens Pete Ross by tipping his head toward the judge while saying, "He can't save you out there." When Pete Ross asks what does he mean by that, Wayne just says, "I was talking to myself."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS BITCH is trolling.

If I ever have a 13-year-old brat ass kid and that 13-year-old brat ass kid actually sits down to dinner and I asked him how his day was, the conversation would look a lot like this. Wayne is a stupid bag of douches and I would say I l-o-v-youknowtherest him for it, but if I said that, I'd probably find myself knocked up with his baby. You know how fertile his gremlin ass is.

No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.

This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million

Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.

Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.

Lil Wayne took a break from overpopulating the planet with his spawn to talk about politics with Vibe Magazine (via MTV). Specifically, the womb-raiding goblin said that Republicans live in a Brady Bunch bubble and don't want to work with black people to make shit better.

"You learn from what the right-wing is doing and you take something from it. I feel like as a people, the most that we can do is better ourselves and learn. Then look at yourself and ask, 'Am I the person they're talking about or am I not?' You have to make the most of who you are because the Republicans are never going to like us."

Meanwhile, Wyclef Jean took a break from overpopulating his personal checking account with cash from his charity to draw a heart around Sarah Palin's name at Donna Karan's party in NYC on Monday. Wyclef said this shit to WWD:

“I have to tell you this: I am a huge fan of Sarah Palin. Cause she’s rad. She’s shrewd. She’s cool. Because at the end of the day, I’m for the people, because this is the United States of America...this is what America’s really about. Anyone should have the right to say, ‘Look I can do the job and this is what qualifies me to do the job.’….Now my wife probably will debate and disagree with me.

I’m not saying she could be the next president, you know, but there’s something about her. Heavy debates in my house. Whenever I say Sarah Palin, people think I’m crazy, but I like her, I do. I can like whoever. This is America, right?”

Somebody please lock Lil Wayne, Wyclef and Sarah Palin in a room together with a Vh1 (or TLC who is quickly becoming the new Vh1) camera crew! But don't put a line of coke, Glen Rice, fertile sluts and Sean Penn in that same room or it'll turn into something none of us want to see. Or do we?

I swear, Lil Wayne gets a paternity request as often as I get an anonymous e-card from inSPOT. Whoops, I got another in my inbox. And whoops, Lil Wayne's got another one in his inbox too. Yes, another one. Even Maury is through with Lil Wayne's gremlin sperm attacking ovaries and he no longer has the voice to narrate Weezy's paternity results.

A woman in Missouri claims that every time she stares into her 8-year-old grandchild's face, "Magic Dance" from Labyrinth plays in her head and this could only mean one thing: the kid is related to Lil Wayne! TMZ reports that while Lil Wayne was making soap bar art at Rikers, he was served with a court order forcing him to submit a DNA sample before December 9th. The legal papers state that the woman has reason to believe that Lil Wayne knocked up her daughter 8 years ago. The daughter's name isn't anywhere on the court papers and TMZ doesn't know why this is so.

If the DNA results prove that Lil Wayne's the father, the kid will be his fifth...that his ass knows of.

Weezy and all his baby mamas must be looking to spawn. I mean, everybody knows that if you're going to mess with Weezy like that, you not only have to put a condom over your head to blur the intensity of his face, but you also have to put a condom over every inch of your body! Weezy's all-powerful goblin chowder can seep through your pores and travel to your ovaries. You don't play with that. Dude seriously has bionic bunny sperm.

That puddle of the sweet nectar sitting in that glass next to Lil Wayne might be the last few drops of booze that slid down his froat and send a buzz into his head. Lil Wayne Tweeted this picture hours after his release from Rikers and a day before he found out that he is banned from spending quality time with his best friends (Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker, Cristal, Mad Dog, etc... etc...) for the next three years. If Lil Wayne is caught with even just a tiny bit of booze in his system, they will launch him back to Rikers where he'll have to serve the rest of his sentence. Yeah, I doubt those hos at Rikers are even going to bother with changing the sheets in his cell block suite. He'll be back.

TMZ says that Wayne's probation documents also state that he must stay away from active members of the hood rat stuff gang (no more play dates with Latarian), illegal drugs, toxic vapors and controlled substances. The probation department will regularly drug and booze test his ass to make sure that he's not pulling some LiLo shit. If he gets caught, off to Rikers he goes!

Weezy wasn't even in the chokey for a DUI or for beating a ho over the head with a half-empty bottle of Thunderbird. Bitch was in this for a weapons charge, so DAMN at the "no drinking for 3 years" rule. What does alcohol have to do with this shit? And Lindsay Lohan thought her life sucked. If the court really want to protect society from Weezy's foolery, they should ban his peen hole from opening its lips until further notice so he doesn't make anymore KIDS! Learn to piss through your butt!

After serving 8-months on a 1-year sentence for criminal possession of a weapon, the Womb Raiding Goblin of Louisiana has strut out of Rikers Island in NYC and is breathing in freedom...and fertile eggs. Seriously, wrap your cooch in Saran Wrap dipped in Spermicide, because I hear Lil Wayne's jizz fishes can fly.

USA Today reports that Weezy (insert Weezy Jefferson's "Does Not Approve" face here) has already made plans for his big homecoming. Mack Maine, the president of Lil Wayne's record label, says that he will bask in the applause from a dozen clapping stripper asses at a titty club in Miami on Sunday. Mack Maine went on to say this mess, " We will treat him like a king, like the royalty that he is, and make him feel like we really missed him and welcome him back to the family, basically."

But the party will end in the next coming months when a few Rikers Island inmates, a couple correctional officers, a jail house rat or two, and whoever was responsible for cleaning up Lil Wayne's dick milk rags each birth out a Weezy Jr.

And in the parking lot of a strip club in New York state, Bill Clinton has just lit up a cigar in Weezy's honor.

Expect a Bill Clinton/Lil Wayne collabo any day now.