Kristen Stewart

I'm typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You'd think that all of the Twihards would've cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must've replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they've never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart's body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People's article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I'm taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate..... but she's going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They'll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam's response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she's hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz's house and is ready to attack him now that he's single.

If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters. 

Page Six is saying that Lindsay Lohan went to a party at Kristen Stewart's house (read: broke into Kristen Stewart's house through a guest bedroom window) and bonded with KStew all night (read: went through KStew's trash and stole a used tampon, burnt weed buds and a grease ball of hair, which she's going to sell on the down low to Twihards who need a fix).

Page Six's source says that LiLo and Kristen Stewart know each other through a mutual friend (read: their dealer) and so LiLo was invited to one of KStew's parties last week. The source said that RPattz was at the party too, but it was LiLo who got all of KStew's attention and the two messes "discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”

Yeah, that's not what they talked about. They both have the communication skills of an extra slow cave baby, so I doubt they even exchanged more than 5 words. They stared at each other, KStew drooled and LiLo grunted before one of them finally shouted, "Want to smoke some meth?!" Then they scissored until the carbon monoxide alarm went off. The end.

But seriously, LiLo needs to stop leaking stories to Page Six. Oh, LiLo, that wasn't Kristen Stewart's house. It was a dumpster behind the Seventh Veil strip club on Sunset Blvd. And that wasn't Kristen Stewart you were bonding with. It was a malnourished alley rat. I know, it's easy to get the two confused.

Here's KStew's best friend (in her head) getting on a flight to Brazil while wearing her latest mug shot ensemble.

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.

Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

Kristen Stewart hobbled into the Oscars on crutches last night and when she presented with Daniel Radcliffe, she limped and twitched like a strung out pimp suffering from severe diarrhea. KStew looked like her publicist peeled her off the bathroom floor, quickly sprayed her down with a hose, threw clothes on her body and pushed her out the door (basically, she looked like a hungover me trying to keep down the barfs while buying a breakfast burrito at Jack In The Box on a Saturday morning).

KStew looked like a visual dry heave, she acted like the Oscars were the last place she wanted to be and I think she left loogie pieces on the mic when she hacked and grunted into it. So some hos were wondering what in alley cat hell happened to her? Did Liberty Ross Nancy Kerrigan her in the knee? Is she trying really hard to get a role on The Walking Dead? Well, UsWeekly has the answer.

A source says that right before she presented, KStew ran into Anne Hathaway backstage and they had a moment that went like this:

Anne - Oh no!

KStew - I know, I'm an idiot. But congratulations!

Anne - Please tell me you're going on stage with those crutches.

KStew - Nope. I'm gonna hobble.

Anne -  Well, break a leg. Oops!

KStew - I just hope the wound doesn't open up right now.

End scene.

The source added that KStew told Anne that she cut her foot open when she accidentally stepped on glass.

I guess KStew learned the hard way that you should always put on a pair of sturdy house shoes before you walk around the crack house, because you never know when some rude and uncouth crackhead is going to leave their broken pipe on the floor. Some crackheads are such slobs. This is a lesson we must all learn.

And I also threw in some pictures of Liberty Ross' nipples at last night's Vanity Fair party, because why not.

"Cheater Kristen Wrecking Another Marriage?" was the hilarious question on InTouch Weekly's cover a month ago when Ben Affleck signed on to star opposite Kristen Stewart in a movie that required them to bump genital guards under bright lights in front of a film crew. InTouch basically said that Jennifer Garner should use a neti pot every day to keep her nostrils clean, because she's going to need to sniff his dick for the scent of weed-infused saliva when he comes home from the set. But Jennifer Garner doesn't need to do that anymore, because Ben Affleck dropped out.

Focus was written by the same writers who wrote Crazy Stupid Love and it's about a con man who falls in love with a con woman and doesn't know if he should choose her or the con. BLAH. It was supposed to star Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, but right after they quit that bitch, Ben Affleck jumped on. Shortly after Ben Affleck signed on, a thousand "this is like Ben and Blake Lively all over again" jokes came up when Kristen Stewart signed on for the con chick role. Variety says that Ben really wanted to do the movie, but he's not looking to make Gigli 2 too busy with other projects. They're looking for another dude to replace him.

Please. Ben Affleck really exited stage left, because he knows that he just doesn't have the trained skills as a thespian to handle the carousel of raw emotions that Kristen Stewart throws at her co-stars during scenes. Stick to your fluff movies like Argo, Ben Affleck!

And every time KStew signs up for a movie, are we going to get a story about how she's going to fuck her married co-star? Do we really need to turn her into some master seductress who can pull a married man's ring off of his finger with her coochie? Sienna Miller, she ain't.

Kristen Stewart wore this to a screening of On the Road in NYC in December and my first reaction is best expressed through Brit Brit's side-eye/head turn/barf face (which is the same face she makes whenever Daddy Spears has to use store brand cheese instead of Velveeta in his signature grits):

For once, Kristen Stewart has a really good reason for looking like someone just farted in her bong and smoked up her stash right in front of her. That mess on KStew's body might work as a beach cover-up on Annette  Funicello in the 60s, but it is not working on KStew. I mean, I love see-through, I love neon jizz splatters, I love grandma's girdle panties and I love primetime hooker shoes from the 80s, but I don't like them together and I really don't like them together on KStew. That shit looks like melted dot candy. It's a Rorschach test made with puffy paint.

Well, but at least Kristen Dunst learned that if she ever wants to look hot, she just has to stand next to KStew wearing this mess.

Here's a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson's pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner's ass cheeks (I'm guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It's finally over! (Well, it's over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It'll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog's Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he's already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own "Yup, I Like Dick!" cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son's plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they're not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they're just like "eh" in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could've inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever... At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado's favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it's not working on her. Nor will it ever.

That picture might look familiar to you, because it's exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to "Holly Jolly Christmas."

For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION" like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, "Ah smoked it!"

Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn't go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz's face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.