Please Report To The Devil's Office

"Why did I just burp up a Frapp bubble? Why am I pulling pink wig hairs out of my mouth? Why do I suddenly have layers of gas station grease on the bottom of my bare feet?" are questions you probably just asked yourself and the answer is: Because we're going back to 2007, y'all!

Former Cheeto puppet master, Sam Lutfi, is suing current Cheeto puppet masters, Brit Brit Spears' parents, for defamation (Side note: I make typos on a minutely basis and I didn't make a typo by typing "defecation" instead of "defamation." I disappoint myself.) and they're battling it out in court right now.  During opening statements yesterday, TMZ says that Sam's lawyer, Joseph Schleimer, alleged that Brit Brit shaved her weave off during her 2007 meltdown, because she was high on that Walter White stuff and was afraid she'd lose custody of her Cheetolings if she was drug tested. Sam claims that KFed always threatened to throw a drug test at Brit Brit, so she tried to thwart his plans by shaving the meth off of her head. (You know, because that's the ONLY way they can find the meth in your system.)

Joseph Schleimer then went on to tell the jury that on the day Brit Brit was 5150'd, she went on a serious amphetamine binge. Brit Brit started her day by downing 8 Adderalls and she kept taking them until she eventually spiraled out of control and ended up on a stretcher. Sam tried to get Brit Brit psychiatric help just two days before her mind jumped out of her head, but she refused.

I don't know who to side with here. On one side, you've got Sam Lutfi who controlled a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. On the other side, you've got Team Daddy Spears, who are controlling a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. But Daddy Spears does make a mean pot of Velveeta grits, so I'll go with him.

Sam could be right about the meth thing since Brit Brit did have a case of serious meth weave, but then again, you too would look methed-out of your mind if your daily diet consisted only of Mountain Dew, gas station nachos, caffeinated whipped cream and pink slime (see: Honey Boo Boo Chile).

At one of my high school pep rallies, the dance team entertained us students by doing a hump dance against a folding chair to Silk's "Freak Me Baby" while wearing bodysuits. Now that's wholesome and educational entertainment! But those wholesome days are gone, because nowadays little teen bitches are entertaining the students by re-enacting Chris Brown beating RiRi and they're doing it in BLACK FACE. Stop the world, I want to throw these bitches off. Where the HELL was Nell Carter when the students of Waverly High School needed her?

A student at Waverly High School in Waverly, NY posted this picture on Facebook of three students earning a PhD in Bad Decision Making by doing a Fist Brown-RiRi skit in blackface. CNN iReport says this was all approved by the administration. How the hell did that happen? "So, the principal is going to open with a speech on the importance of recycling, the school band will perform 'Call Me Maybe,' three students in blackface will beat other and then if we have time our flying cheer team will re-enact 9/11 before a James Holmes look-alike will end the assembly by shooting blanks into the air."

One Waverly High School alumnus who was at the pep rally said that parents and teachers were also there and nobody did anything. A lot of students even laughed so the devil didn't have to. This isn't the first time Waverly High School brought the blackface foolery in full force. Last year, one student painted himself in blackface to play Tiger Woods in a skit. The alumnus said this:

"I think it's unconscionable that such blatant racism has been tacitly approved two years in a row. The administration should be creating an environment where minorities are welcome, not the butts of racist jokes that make light of domestic violence."

The superintendent of the school district said that they are investigating that mess after getting dozens of complaints:

"The Waverly School District is committed to creating a positive atmosphere through our activities. I will be working with our building administrators, our staff and our students to examine our current activities and develop future activities consistent with our commitment. Ultimately, our administrators are going to need to meet with the whole student body to set clear expectations for our behavior and the impact it has on all people."

The superintendent went on to say, "...and then we're going to reprimand the three students involved in this skit, because Chris Brown never beat Rihanna with an umbrella and Rihanna doesn't suffer from Vitiligo. That's just lazy blackfacing." 

And the Weather Channel is reporting that the Southwest part of America is experiencing gusty winds, because everybody in Florida just breathed out a sigh of relief over this fuckery not happening in Florida.

Since we're on the topic of things that will make you barf until you dry heave and dry heave until you pass out in a puddle of foam, it seemed natural to segue into this. It's a touching tale about true love's struggles to overcome incredible obstacles. Like child labor laws. Everybody say it with me, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

Per Radar Online, stupid California child labor laws drove a wedge between the most natural couple of all time, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson, while they were filming Couples Therapy and forced them to sleep apart for the first time in their marriage. I for one am outraged and will be calling the board as soon as I finish these bong hits and the rest of this beer that ironically Courtney isn't old enough to drink either.

Since Courtney was still 17 while they were filming, she had to endure long, cold nights away from Doug's aging lesbian face while all the other couples got to sleep together. She had to leave her own home and make sad sexy lizard faces to her hotel room mirror all alone while her 51 year old husband stared longingly out the window with her best boa and her lucite heels on. Life is so cruel sometimes.

I sure hope that therapy worked for them, because in a world with no more Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman love, I just couldn't go on if they fall apart too.

Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.

Kim must've gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named "Mercy" after one of Kanye West's songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.

Imagine you're an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy's face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.

Webster's needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:

Although, the name "Mercy" is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy's constant internal monologue is this: "Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!" 

As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I'll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer's face, the cameras are there.

The only way to follow-up a post about the existence of God is with a post about the existence of Lucifer. The devil is alive and has a really messed up way of screwing with our souls, because he has joined Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger together in an unholy union of suck. No, August 21st is not Canadian April Fool's Day. I already checked and checked again.

Sometime before February, Avril Lavigne stopped boning Bruce Jenner's son (Happy birthday, Brody!) and made the Canadian embassy in Hell cackle with laughter by getting on Chad Kroeger. Their rep tells People that the two Canadian ear killers got close while working on a song together six months ago and now they're engaged to be married. Chad gave Avril a 14-carat diamond ring on August 8th. This will be 37-year-old Chad's first marriage and 27-year-old Avril's second.

I was going to say that this is about as random as a ferret hugging a dildo, but this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the Affliction cum rag of music. And anybody who owns an Ed Hardy trucker cap definitely owns an Affliction cum rag, because the two go together perfectly. But for why are they engaged after only 6 months? Please don't tell me she's knocked up, because I'm really not ready for the Antichrist to rip apart the earth's crust by making the worst music civilization has ever heard.

It's truly the end of days, because you know Ke$hit will be the maid of honor, Justin Bieber will officiate, Scott Stapp will be best man and Avril and Chad will register at Hot Topic. Oh here go hell come.

And the scariest words in the English language are officially: Avril Kroeger. I'm pretty sure that was the full name of the devil's first born.

No pun intended in that headline, I swear.

Over the weekend, J. Harvey wrote about how Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson of the Miami Dolphins pulled a first-degree Chris Brown on his wife Evelyn Lozado of Basketball Wives by allegedly punching her in the head with his cranium after she found a receipt for condoms in his Maserati. That messy incident cost his dumb stupid ass his job with the Dolphins and now it cost him a wife. Because after only six weeks of marriage, Evelyn is legally headbutting Ochocinco out of her life by filing for divorce.

TMZ somehow, magically learned (see: Evelyn live-texting them a play by play of her filing the papers) that Evelyn filed divorce papers in Florida this afternoon. Evelyn and Ochocinco barely joined fame whore forces by getting married on July 4th in St. Martin and their wedding was taped for a Vh1 reality show that never was. Evelyn's marriage lasted about as long it took her to take off her earrings before flying across the table to toot Kenya in the dome. Evelyn should've filed divorce on their 85th day of marriage to really make it burn.

And somewhere, Jen is sitting back and adjusting the discount blue contacts she brought from the swap meet while saying to the air, "I guess this is the life I ain't about."

That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I'd probably wear it all the damn time. It's that perfect.

The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don't realize that they're wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he's obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis' Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.

Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn't driving the Porsche. George's really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is "batshit crazy" (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody's front yard and said, "Nashville." George didn't stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:

Cop: What's your address?
Drunk George: "I have 17 fucking homes!"

Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"

When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn't believe they were doing this to him "after everything he's done for this city" and then he told them to "go fuck yourselves in the ass." George declared the cops his "enemies for life" and promised to take their badges.

I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she's really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor's next album will have the songs "Crocs in My Heart" and "Crocodile Crack Rock" in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in) 

I just gave birth to a trio of fuckyous for the three of you hateful bitches who sent this to me and then I gave birth to a fuckme for pressing play on this musical abortion of a song even though I knew it would be the worst thing that happened to my ears.

Since I only fill my head with television programs of the highest cultural quality (examples: Bad Girls Club Mexico and Hollywood Exes), I don't watch Teen Mom at all. So I don't know if Farrah Abraham is the one who turned her baby's bottle into a meth pipe or if she's the one who got her baby's water wings surgically shoved into her chest. I don't know, but now I do know Farrah Abraham as the tone deaf trick who's responsible for making ears barf out buckets of blood.

I know I exaggerate about everything, but I'm not exaggerating about this. It's like Farrah was taking a bath in battery acid when somebody threw a plugged-in synthesizer into the tub and recorded her electrocuted screams. If you took a scratched Crystal Castles CD, put it into a factory-defected Discman, pressed play and then tossed it into a garbage disposal, it would sound like this song. It really is like an auto-tuned massacre.

Recently, I made the biggest mistake of my life (next to listening to this) by getting Zoom whitening. If you've never gotten Zoom, don't do it. Just rinse your mouth with Clorox like a sane person. During the 12 hours after I got that teeth torture treatment, it felt like my teeth were strapped to tiny electrical chairs. Out of nowhere, I'd get these "zings" that felt a million times worse than chewing on a ball of foil. You'd hear Farrah's song if you held a stethoscope up to one of my teeth as it ZINGED out. What I'm trying to say is I'd rather get Zoom whitening on my ass lips than listen to this piece of shit song again.

I totally sold this song to you, right? Enjoy!

via InTouch

Henry Hopper, the 21-year-old son of the late Dennis Hopper, has been slapped with a lawsuit from the mother of a 16-year-old girl who claims that he drugged and repeatedly raped her daughter at his house in Venice, CA.

According to TMZ, the legal papers filed in L.A. claim that Henry met the unidentified girl, known as "Jan Doe" in the lawsuit, (Jan Doe sounds like the name of the awkward middle sister of the Doe sisters) through a mutual friend in February of last year. They regularly talked to each other on Facebook and after a few months, he started figuratively leaving a trail of booze and the bad shit from her front door to the front door of his house in Venice. Henry promised to give Jan Doe all the drugs and sweet nectar she wanted if she came over. When a then 15-year-old Jan Doe went to his house, he gave her drugs and booze, and waited until she was all kinds of messed up before he "engaged in sexually offensive conduct with her." Jan Doe alleges that Henry forced her to engage in sexual intercourse and "oral copulation and sodomy."

The lawsuit goes on to say that because Henry repeatedly preyed on Jan Doe's naive "vulnerability," she has suffered mentally and emotionally and has been treated by several mental health care professionals. Jan Doe's mom is suing for unspecified damages.

EEEEEEEEEEK! Welp, here's a story that should come with a fluffy kitten hugging a vodka bottle. So many questions and I don't even know what to say except that Henry Hopper kind of has rapey hair (whatever that means). You might be wondering if Jan Doe's mom ever went to the police to file charges against Henry Hopper for allegedly teen raping her daughter. TMZ doesn't know this yet. You might also be wondering why I haven't posted an adorable palate cleanser yet? Good question. Let me fix that:

Shit, that made things worse, right?

The fuckery was with Star Magazine in full force this week. They pulled out a stack of blank report cards, graded a bitch hard and didn't hold back. They posted the grades on their cover this week and to them Sandra Bullock is basically the valedictorian of celebrity moms and and Xtina might have to take a few summer courses at the office of her local CPS. I don't know whether to laugh cry at that picture of Max with a shiner or straight up laugh at one of the Dragon Tales Twins screaming for her hired mommy. Never change, Star, never change.

Jezebel read the entire story and they summarized that absolute mess like this:

Sandra Bullock is a Good Mom because she once said of Little Louis: "I do not want anyone else to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!" Meanwhile, Angie is a Bad Mom because her kids travel a lot and "schlepping them around the globe isn't the best way to give them stability." Plus, they're always eating junk food and they (gasp) play with toy guns. Other model moms include Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Pink and Alyson Hannigan; A students in the school of motherhood. Amber Portwood, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are bringing home Cs and Ds. Perhaps some tutoring will help bring those grades up?

The timing is a little off, I know. This should've come out in honor of Mother's Day, but I guess this is Star's gift to celebrity dads. Happy Father's Day! And about that pop quiz at the bottom. I'm going to guess that the answer is Kate Gosselin for all of them. And if we fast forward to the future when  Sandra Lee pops out a kid, she'll be the answer for every one of those questions. I mean, Simon & Schuster is holding the title "Booze Over Storytime" for the future memoirs of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's future kid.