Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson figures that why spend hours upon hours in the studio making some album and why crack her rib (wait, does she still have those?) touring for months on end when she can just move to the Middle East, put on some couture gown, lay on a unicorn fur chaise and let her servants feed her canary diamonds. Janet Jackson got married on the down low last year to Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana and has moved to the Middle East to slather herself in pure luxury 24 hours a day.

A source tells Showbiz 411 that Janet is living in the Middle East now and has converted to Islam. The source said, "She's gone. She married a billionaire. They've got houses in three countries. She's spending time in the Middle East. She's become a Muslim."

"She's gone. She married a billionaire." Don't you just close your eyelids at night and wish that somebody would say that about your ass?

I don't see the problem here. Janet's married to a billionaire with a big peen (his nose tells me so) and she's got a million servants who can answer the phone and say, "She's gone. She married a billionaire," when her family members call looking for a loan.

The second time Janet Jackson got married, she kept it a secret from the public until she signed the divorce papers 9 years later. Janet got married for a third time last year and she once again did it hush-style. Janet married Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana a while ago and she's just now telling people about it, because I guess there was a story going around that said her wedding was some kind of lavish spectacle. Janet and Wissam released a statement to ET saying that their wedding wasn't lavish, it was small and private.

"The rumours regarding an extravagant wedding are simply not true. Last year we were married in a quiet, private, and beautiful ceremony. Our wedding gifts to one another were contributions to our respective favourite children’s charities. We would appreciate that our privacy is respected and that we are allowed this time for celebration and joy. With love, Wissam and Janet"

I totally get that Janet is putting a PRIVACY PLEASE sign on her door, but does she really need to do that when nobody was planning to knock on her door anyway? Whatever, I totally know why Janet keeps getting married in secret. She doesn't want her crazy family to find out. If she told everyone she was getting married, Joe Jackson would find out and crash that shit. He'd show up, eat all the food, yell at all the kids and try to get Wissam to invest in his latest shady business venture.

Janet doesn't want La Toya Jackson there, because she wants to be the most beautiful Jackson at her own wedding. It's kind of hard to get married when all your guests keep worshiping at the feet of the most gorgeous Jackson, La Toya. So I get it.

And this has to be the upgrade of all upgrades. Janet went from Troll Dupri to a hot, young billionaire. And Wissam is also lucky, because he gets to motorboat the titties on Janet's face every single night.

Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a "here comes the truth, heffas" side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she's spilling the truth. "I've got all your numbers, hussies!" - Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids

TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there's one thing a memaw can't resist, it's rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn't even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl's wives.

Katherine didn't know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, "At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me."

This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya's show isn't a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn't follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya's show doesn't air until 2013 and it hasn't even started shooting yet. So why didn't Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya's show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion?

All the drama could've been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show's season finale, La Toya could've rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would've gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine's room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won't ever let her be great. Selfish bitches!

On Wednesday's episode of the broke down version of The View known as The Talk, the hosts brought up the rumors that Janet Jackson and Paris Jackson got into a slap slap slappity fight right there on the driveway of Katherine Jackson's house. Paris Jackson already denied that hands went flying, but the hosts of The Talk still brought it up. The show's guest Gladys Knight made it clear that if Paris Jackson served her some lip, that little girl would be on the next Midnight Train to Whoop Ass. They'd have to call in an ambulance, a dentist, an orthodontist, a denture maker and a professional who specializes in gum transplants, because Paris Jackson would be picking her teefs up from off the ground. Gladys explained herself like this:

"It’s drama, that’s what it is. If you lived up under the microscope as this family does, everybody has dysfunctionality in their families, either one way or the other. See, I’m from the south and was raised in that southern way. You have to understand Paris is what, 14? How old is Janet? Who’s the one who tries to direct the other one here? And I would think that it’s a good thing she lets Paris know who she is. She is a Jackson, she shouldn’t be putting the business out there like that. Cause people read into whatever they want to read into, that’s how they get the drama. So, she’s just trying to protect her, in a way. But if she called me that, she wouldn’t have any teeth...You respect your elders."

That raspy whistling sound you hear is Joe Jackson swooning through his gross bull dog nostrils over Gladys' words. As soon as he composes himself, I'm sure he'll say, "An ass whooper after my own heart." If this is Gladys' way of trying to get Joe Jackson to ask her out on a romantic date where they'll pick out switches together, it's totally going to work.

Here's the video of Gladys saying it:

via TMZ & Rumor Fix

As if Jermaine, Janet, Randy and Rebbie aren't injecting enough craziness into this insane saga, Prince Michael Jackson Jr. has popped up and is joining in on the dysfunctional family fun.

As Blanket Jackson sat on his satin bedspread, brushing his luscious mane while rolling his eyes at all of this stupid foolishness, Prince posted this group text on Twitter and a long statement directed at Randy Jackson's lies. Randy Jackson said that he and the others didn't gran-nap Katherine Jackson and weren't purposefully keeping Michael Jackson's kids from talking to her. Prince posted this text proving otherwise. And that charred plastic smell filling your nostrils is from Prince burning Janet by not calling her "Auntie." Here's Prince's full statement and yes, he's going hard:

I would first like to start off this tweet by thanking the fans that have always stood by me and my family, my dad really appreciated your support and I still treasure it to this day. As I am sure everyone is well aware of the events that have been going on. I have been holding off on backing up my sister and her tweets avidly because I was waiting for the time to reveal my side. As long as I can remember my dad had repeatedly warned me of certain people and their ways. Although I am happy my grandma was returned, after speaking with her I realized how misguided and how badly she was lied to. I’m really angry and hurt. The following image is of a group chat I had started to several family members. This group text message I had started was replied to but they didn’t know that I could see the responses. For this whole time, they denied us contact to our grandmother. “If you continue with your lies I will continue with the truth”

-Michael Jackson Jr.

This is what happens when 90% of the members of a family don't have jobs. They have too much time on their hands, too little money in their wallets and they start scrappin' each other for the family fortune. I watch Dallas, I know. Look at what they're doing. They've forced poor Prince Michael Jackson Jr. to release a statement that sounds like it came out of Patrick Ewing's mouth. Prince should be worrying about how to steal booze from the liquor cabinet like any regular 15-year-old (yes, I've always been a drunk) and he shouldn't be worrying about UNCOVERING lies laid down by his own family members. Such drama. How dreadful.

None of this would have ever happened if Michael Jackson left everything to Bubbles and La Toya like he should have.

via Radar

While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie's daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News' cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I've ever seen.

A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn't want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here's a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn't write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:

Hello, I'm Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.

I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It's very stupid for people to think that.

But anyway, I am devastated that while I've been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I'm coming home to see about that, also.

So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children -- and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them -- and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don't know who did that but they don't have that power and they shouldn't have done it.

And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it's probably not healthy because the cook is not there.

But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they're waiting for me to come.

And I told him it wasn't necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. ... I don't know who instructed him to do that -- but that's what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who's doing that and who's behind that.

But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say ... that I'm here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.

One reason I haven't called is I just gave up my phone and I didn't want to have any phone calls while I was here.

That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I'm legally required to take care of and didn't tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they're still breathing, that's me trying to get them taken away from me so I don't have to deal with their asses. I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I'm staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.

I can't blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson's Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That's almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson's Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito's son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she's going to beat Rebbie's ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he's expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson's Estate and MJ's kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we're talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn't in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson's luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don't say anything, but she's deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don't blow her cover!

UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ's Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ's will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn't playing anymore and she's so going to get him for this.

TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, "No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet!"

The L.A. County Sheriff's department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin' their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough... or for looking at him funny... or for not having his money on time... or for speaking without permission...or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn't say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could've been because of the Jackson family's latest messy situation.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson's estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn't even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they're trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar's sources said this:

"Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael's estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.

Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it's possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.

The siblings' motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money."

This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ's estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it's like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.

Katherine Jackson's lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a "diabolical plan" (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it's best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.

"Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson’s home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson’s children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael’s children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.

Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons’ concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael's minor children.

We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with."

And here's some video from GMA this morning of Janet and Jermaine Randy getting crazy at the house:

Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn't that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don't get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can't they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?

Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.

Ms. Jackson if you relevant, cuz' PETA on her like red paint on a fur muff!

Janet Jackson's had it shitty since Justin Timberlake ripped her nipple cover off at the Superbowl that time. America blamed the black girl for being sexy(?), and completely forgave the pussy-ass white boy who was equally in on it and then let him make too many fucking appearances on Saturday Night Live.

Janet can barely sell a record now, and she's been reduced to becoming the spokesass for Nutrisystem! Case in point - the last couple of Nutrisystem spokeswomen have been Topanga from Boy Meets World and Marie Osmond. Those may seem like career lows, but like a phoenix from the ashes - Janet has pissed off PETA by launching a line of dead animal skins with Blackgama. PETA being mad at you keeps you in the spotlight. For a day. But still!

"When Janet Jackson had her infamous 'wardrobe malfunction' during the Super Bowl, at least the flesh that popped into view was her own," writes PETA's Jeff Mackey. "Unlike the stolen animal skins that she drapes herself with, which are as dead as her taste in fashion (not to mention her career). Ms. Jackson, you're just plain nasty."

They've named her "Grinch of the Year 2011." Neither Penny from Good Times or Blackgama has responded. She just can't hear them through her mink babushka.

My Dad won "Grinch of the Year" in 1986 when he threatened to stand at the bottom of the chimney with a shotgun and blow Santa away when he came down. The joke was on him, because we didn't have a chimney! He drank.

 (via Buzzfeed)

Some of you in Toronto might have been wondering why the stores were sold out of Crisco, every crane in the city was rented out, latex poisoning experts were put on standby and the Tug of War champion was flown in. It wasn't boys night at the pop-up Scientology Center. Janet Jackson's tour hit Toronto and that's pretty much what it takes to get her into that labia-crushing Tron suit.

The look on Janet's face accurately expresses how her crotch is feeling at that very moment. That shit looks like a camel toe with Morton's syndrome. Like a baby mole trapped inside of a plastic bag. Not only is Janet flattening her clit like a fettuccine noodle, but this is also fueling the old rumor that she's got bendy straws for ribs.

I bet Janet employs a full-time CPR technician who gets her coochie breathing again as soon as she gets off stage. Hmmm. Maybe that's the whole point. Janet might be a genius.