Lance Bass

Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).

JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 - Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that's not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR's Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other's tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I'd totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she'll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that's reason enough to be mad at her.

Here's more of JHud at last night's amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.

Marc Jacobs' ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone confirmed last week that they are no longer spending their nights together doing 500 crunches (foreplay) before painstakingly plucking out the long hairs on their beard to keep that shit looking as manicured as Norwood Young's hairline. Lorenzo claims that his relationship with Marc ended around two months ago. Gatecrasher reports that Lorenzo didn't even let the Marc Jacobs brand saliva on his nipple dry before he started bumping nalgas with Lance Bass. Lorenzo and I obviously go to the same church since we both believe that life is too short to let your no-no go cold.

For the past few months, Lance and Lorenzo have been seen out on several dates around NYC and Miami. One of Lance's friends says that the two are dating, but doesn't think they are going to last very long. The friend said that Lorenzo is trying to get serious, but Lance isn't exactly creaming at the mouth about their relationship, because he likes them "younger and prettier."

Younger and prettier?! I need to update my files, because I was under the impression that if you are Brazilian, have a peen and can crack a hazelnut with your bicep, Lance will find a way to fit you into his briefs. I guess not. But Lance is not right for the "younger and prettier" thing. I mean, does Lance remember this:

How soon Lance forgets that he once looked like the postmature love child of Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter.

And here we have Lance Bass showing us what one looks like after getting a facial from Glamberace. Yes, we've always known Glamberace ejaculates rouge and liquid eyeliner. That's why you better bring make-up remover to gargle with if you ever plan on going down on Glamberace.

Lance gently got face fucked with every brush in Xtina's make-up box for photographer Mike Ruiz who said he was going for a Spandau Ballet and Gary Numan look. Mike might say this Gary Numan-ish, and others might say Lance is wig snatching Glamberace. I say this reminds me of the time my Puerto Rican friend tried to dress up as Freddie Mercury for Halloween but ended up looking like a Robert Palmer girl as seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old goth.

And Lance's eyebrows look like two amputee weasels trying to kiss each other, so I approve of this look. Yes, I failed the inkblot test.