Chace Crawford

If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin's bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma's kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl's 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there's no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there's Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.

My favorite part is how Blake's actually doing the "hand on hip, sway back" pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP's rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain't doing the pose, the pose is doing you.

And here's a few other messes from last night's party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe Simpson is furiously gluing the beads on Jessica Simpson's bridal pasties while yelling at the team from Spanx to make her wedding dress faster, because he needs to marry off his daughter in the next few days so that she gets the cover of all the magazines and Tony Romo doesn't! As Jessica bawled into a bowl of cake soup, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo married Chace Crawford's sister Candice in front of 600 people in Dallas, TX yesterday. Yes, a professional football player married a pageant queen turned news anchor in Texas. The theme of the wedding was obviously: STEREOTYPES! I hope Candice loves a mug full of chardonnay in the morning, because ho is a Kathie Lee Gifford in-the-making.

People reports that after Tony took at least 20 minutes to lift the veil over his bride's head (it took about 19 minutes to clear her forehead) for their wedding kiss, their guests ate short ribs and pizza in the reception tent. The guests also got a gift bag that included: a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted treats from Great One Cookies, a Mix of the Month CD by DJ Lucy Wrubel, a miniature bottle of Moet champagne, a box of Dude Sweet Chocolates, gourmet popcorn, chips and salsa, "Killer Pecans" from Bandera Foods, Voss bottled water, and an assortment of Kiehl's beauty and body products.

That gift bag is pretty fitting, because I'm sure that last night Jessica's gold digging fiance Eric Johnson used her Neiman Marcus credit card to buy canary diamond cuff links while she sat in the changing room, dipping tear-stained cookies into champagne and salsa.

I can't wait to see the pictures of Chace Crawford throwing precious flutters with his eyes down the aisle. Who needs a flower girl when you've got Chace Crawford?

Tony Romo, whose name always makes me crave ribs and lemon-scented moisties, has joined the race to the altar with his girlfriend Candice Crawford (the pretty princess on the left), sister of Chace Crawford (the PRETTIER princess on the right). People reports that Tony and Candice have put on their hitchin' sneakers and lined up next to Jessica Simpson (and her dude) and Nick Lachey (and his chick) at the wedding starting line. Boom.

30-year-old Tony proposed to 24-year-old Candice during her birthday party at Five Sixty Restaurant in Dallas, TX last night. This is some SHOTS fired shit, because Tony proposed to Candice on her birfday and dumped Jessica on hers. If you think that's a slight drop kick to Jessica's fupa, here's the ring Tony slipped on Candice's finger. It's almost as big as the stone that just formed in Papa Joe's kidney from stressing out about getting his daughter to a "Weez Married" cover of OK! Magazine first.

But Papa Joe shouldn't even try, because I have a feeling that John Mayer is going to beat all those bitches. Don't be surprised if you see the headline: "John Mayer marries Dane Cook in a beautiful Iowa ceremony." Double fucking whammy.

I refuse to believe that Zac Efron can naturally grow a trail of follicles over his lip. Have you ever seen a unicorn with a moustache? EXACTLY! So my guess is that while his personal bikini waxer was shaping his pubes into a heart, he asked her to save him a piece. And that piece ended up over his lip to butch up his look for last night's Teen Choice Awards.

Zac shouldn't even bother with those tricks, because he will always be the prettiest fairytale princess in Disney's kingdom no matter what! Looking like Sasquatch scooted over his upper lip isn't going to change that! Don't try to Victor/Victoria our asses, Zac!

The same thing goes for that nail polish. Zac probably thought blue chipped nail polish would make him look edgy, dirty and rough and shit. Yeah, no. We all know that once Zac slipped into the comfort of his crystal carriage for the ride home, he pulled out a bottle of nail polish (in shade: unicorn semen) and furiously touched that shit up. Truth.

And in other purdy Zac news, he recently told Details Magazine about how Tommy Girl asked him to come over to ride bikes. Let's say all together now: TOO FUCKING EASY.

"You ride motorcycles?" Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn't. "You wanna learn how?" Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes--including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike. "He made so many great movies," Efron says of Cruise. "I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn't come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that's him! He's really doing that." I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. "I don't know," he says. "I don't even want to know. It's just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that."

Zac is not only more beautiful than a bubble sitting on a rose petal, but he's naive too. He really has no idea why Tommy Girl invited him over for playtime? Zac didn't get the hint when Tommy Girl skipped out wearing nothing but a fake Harley tattoo on his ass cheek and two rearview mirrors strapped to his shoulders? And a light bulb still didn't go on over Zac's precious head when Tommy screamed, "Make this bitch rooooar"? Oh, Zac....

Here's a few pictures of Zac with fellow princess Chace Crawford and David Archuleta backstage at the Teen Choice Awards last night. These pictures look like the beginning of a Sean Cody porn.

Chace Crawford is as fragile as a baby unicorn's first coo and as precious as a bunny in a bubble bath, so you can't expect him to hold his own umbrella! Besides, it's impossible for Chace to hold his own umbrella. He might smudge his freshly polished nails or smear the foundation on his palms. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester can hold their own umbrellas, because their ancestors were vikings or miners or some shit. They are built for hard labor, but not Chace.

Fun Fact: Chace's umbrella was originally white, but he accidentally farted and his multicolored butt fumes waltzed through the air before landing on it.

The bitches in Plano, Texas are not playing around with Chace Crawford. When Chace was arrested last week after getting caught with one little joint in the parking lot of a bar in Plano, I figured the cops were just going to scare him a bit and make his ass cry. But no, they are going balls deep. E! News says that prosecutors have decided to charge Chace with one misdemeanor possession of marijuana.

If found guilty, Chace faces up to 6 months in the chokey and a $2,000 fine.

Remind me if I'm ever bumping nipples with a hot piece in the back of a car (and you know that's what Chace was doing) in the parking lot of Ringo's in Plano to make sure there's not a joint anywhere near me! I mean, can you imagine my ass in a Texas prison with all those hongray and sweaty criminals?! Actually, I'm imagining it now....and you'll have to excuse me for a moment. On second thought, you're coming with me because I'm going to need you to hold the stall door closed.