Plastic Surgery

It's like the before and after of a collagen embalming. You decide who's the before and who's the after.

The chemical aroma of melting plastic, burnt Shrinky Dinks and Turtle Wax was in the air at ArcLight Hollywood last night when Demi Moore looked deep into the face of her future on Cher's head. I'm sure that Cher and Demi have run into each other before in the lobby of a plastic surgery clinic, but both of their heads were wrapped in gauze at the time so they barely recognized one another. But at The AFI Night at the Movies last night they could finally bond over their mutual love of the scalpel. Cher probably told Demi that she really needs a third lip, because three lips are so much better than two. Demi looked at Cher's cheeks and told her that she really needs to put more CCs of silicone into those things, because if your face cheeks can't perfectly fit into a 32B bra, they're not big enough.

Looking at this picture makes me wish that Demi could really, really sing. Because if she could, these two could recruit Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and start a Morticia Addams doo-wop group. If only.

And here's the lucky ones who got to bask in the plastic beauty of Demi and Cher. In order after D and C: Shirley MacLaine with Sally Field (doing the "friends at the prom" pose), Kevin Spacey (he really needs to rethink his toupee situation), Harrison Ford (he really needs to rethink that earring), Kathy Bates, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt "I Want To Swim Naked Through The Silvery Hair Waves On His Head" Russell.

No, that's not a trick question. I think.

On last night's season premiere of The Real Menopausal Barbies of Orange County, the original Real Housewife, Vicki Gunvalson, showed us what thousands of dollars, massive amounts of low-self esteem and a silicone chin gets you. After Gretchen's dried skid mark of a fiance Slade Smiley compared her to Miss Piggy last season, Vicki's self-esteem plummeted into the gutter with Alexis Bellino's financial situation. Vicki said she's always felt unpretty, but Slade's comments helped to push her under the plastic surgeon scalpel. Vicki had her nose thinned, fat injected into her cheeks and she had a chin implant put in. The picture on the left is Vicki in 2010 and the picture on the right is Vicki  last month.

I watched last night and Vicki looked the same to me. Vicki's face just looked extra squished and swollen. But now that I'm looking at the pictures I see the difference. Vicki's old face was covered in real human skin and it looked somewhat biodegradable. Vicki's new face makes her look like she's got the same complexion as a vanilla candle that has been left out in the sun too long. Those bat pube lashes don't help either. If Vicki wanted to look like Overly Attached Girlfriend's grandma, then she got the look she wanted.

And the hell did they do to Vicki's dimples? Injecting all that fat into her cheeks gave her butt cracks on her face.

Here's Vicki debuting her "settled" new face on WWHL last night:

For the record, I think Vicki looks better now, but only because she has a pair of beautiful butt cracks framing her mouth.

via Radar

This is why tiny blond gnomes should never get their titties done by a disbarred plastic surgeon in the dark part of the Enchanted Forest.

Hayden Panettiere spent her Easter Sunday frolicking on the beach in Miami without her hot beanstalk-sized fiancee. Watching Nashville (a wet layer of shame covers me every time I type those words) made me like Hayden Panatroll, so it hurts the nipples on my soul seeing her chichis look like they could win the grand prize in a Tori Spelling's Tits look-alike contest. Hayden's giant fiancé should raise his knee and stomp on the office of the plastic surgeon who made it look like she's got ten handfuls of Ruffles stuffed into her chest. I should not look at Hayden's tits and say, "Oh, so you got The Tori?" This is gnome abuse and it ain't right.

On a positive note, Hayden's exquisite rhinestone belly ring and elegantly-designed craft project two piece IS the look.

Naomi Watts tells Australia's Good Health Magazine (via E!) that even though she's not completely shaking her head no to the idea of getting her face pulled, plucked and tucked, she thinks doing so would be a bad career move, because she wouldn't be able to show raw emotion in her face. Without naming names (*cough* Nicole Kidman *cough*), Naomi said some actresses who do plasticize their faces end up looking like a shellacked piece of Silly Putty with eyes.

"Never say never—and I certainly don't judge anyone who does it. But most of the characters I play are going through some kind of emotional turmoil, so my job requires me to have expression. If my face was froze, what right do I have to play that part? All the women who haven't anything to their faces are still able to play great roles. And some of the ones who have done something have messed it up—they look freakish. Anyway, for me it's about playing women with rich lives—and the longer the life, the deeper the wrinkles."

Naomi's obviously not talking shit about her good fwend Nicole Kidman, because Nicole Kidman is nearly 100% all natural and organic. A Botox needle has only touched Nicole's face once and she just naturally looks like a cold mound of dough that's been overworked with a roller. But if Naomi is talking about Nicole, then she appreciates the shade, because it keeps her frozen face frozen.

Even though there's comparison picture after comparison picture after comparison video of Nick Minaj's pre-fame and current face, she tells Extra that a plastic surgeon's scalpel has never touched her mug and you can go ahead and slap a certified organic sticker on her forehead. While whoring out her new shade of lip paint for MAC, Nicki said that she's sick of hos saying that she's had her nose chopped and cinched, because she hasn't. Nicki told those hos to educate themselves by watching an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.

”I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup.”

Let me fix that for you, Icky Mirage. "I've had surgery on my face, ass, eyeballs, teeth, tongue, hair, ear lobes, fingernails, saliva, belly button and all the other parts that are listed on the human anatomy page on Wikipedia . Yes, yes, yes, look at RuPaul's Drag Race and you'll see that those done up queens look three thousand percent more natural than me on any given night of the week. When people see my pinched nose, they think all types of crazy things and they're right! It's plastic!"

Much better!

Nicki must've contoured the shit out of her plastic surgery denial, because I almost believed it for a second.

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

Lara Flynn Boyle has been pulling, tucking and filling her face for years now, and when pictures of her leaving a liquor store in L.A. came out yesterday, some hos figured that she put herself under the plastic surgeon's scalpel again. But some plastic surgeon, who hasn't worked on, Lara's face tells Radar that in his professional opinion, either Lara went in for some face renovations or the fillers are melting. That's it! Dr. Anthony Youn explained it like this when Radar asked him why Lara's face looks like a jabbawockeez mask baking under a fast food heat lamp:

"Lara Flynn Boyle's face looks like it's melting. Now her face looks like it's deflated, with resultant loose skin. I suspect that she's either undergone corrective surgery to reverse some of the work that was previously performed, or has just plain allowed the plumping fillers to dissipate, leaving her with sagging cheeks."

Who ever said that Botox is like crack for your face never told any lies, because you have to keep injecting that crap into your face or it will do the sad skull slide and you'll end up looking like a really sad plastic blobfish. Woe is Lara. Lara could be smiling in these pictures because she just got a good deal on a vintage bottle of Strawberry Hill, but you wouldn't know since she permanently looks like a constipated duck who just got the worst news ever. The sad duck look IS not the look. Although, think of all the traffic tickets and shit Lara gets out of. Only a heartless police officer would give a ticket to a sad duck.

On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you're wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it's there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo's Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don't or she'll multiply!

Mama Tina's cheeks look like they're pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina's eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina's whole face looks like it's possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.

As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch dropped their purse on the floor and ran for their lives! With just the lift of one brow, Mama Tina can steal your voice, poison your food and give you the feeling that her minions are snatching your children out of their beds to put them to work in the House of Dereon sweat shop. Drop all your worldly possessions and save your children!

After Basement Baby tallied up all the dropped wallets, purses, wigs, jewelry and watches she picked up off the floor, she declared that they set a new fundraising record. You're a mean (and genius) one, Mama Tina.

This might come as a shock to you, but the finest rose in England wasn't totally sculpted by the hand of Mother Nature out of organic materials. The scalpel of a surgeon and a Hoover Dam's worth of silicone was used to elevate Jodie Marsh's beauty to goddess-like levels. But if Jodie could do it all over again, she'd keep her natural beauty intact and would never allow her chichis to be touched by a back alley plastic surgeon who obviously got off from overflowing water balloons as a child.

Jodie told the prestigious British medical journal Heat Magazine (via The Sun) that a week after she got two bowling ball bags full of cooking gel fuel stuffed into her chest, her world became a horror show as her new implants tried to free themselves of her body. Jodie is sharing her story four years later, because she needs a check she wants all women out there to know that if you fill your body with implants that are bigger than your head, you could end up with a scar that looks like the face of Mickey Rourke.

"When I woke up, they were so swollen. The first dressing was taken off after a week or so - that's when I saw that I wasn't healing. As the stitches started popping out of my skin, there was no skin to hold the incision together. My boobs looked like they were exploding. It was so painful. There was green pus coming out of my boobs and they constantly bled.

I had to change the dressings every day and was in such discomfort I couldn't work - I basically sat at home depressed for a year. I wish I'd never had them done. People should realise that every boob job has the potential to become a horror story."

Jodie doesn't think her gigantic plastic boob domes look good with her new He-Man muscle body, but she's not going to go under the knife again out of fear that she'll have to suffer through a sequel to Nightmare on My Titties.

You can't spell Jodie Marsh without p-e-r-f-e-c-t. No, really, try it. Type out p-e-r-f-e-c-t without the spaces and your system (or whatever) will autocorrect it to "Jodie Marsh." So Jodie doesn't need to change anything about herself, she's Jodie Marsh (DAMN autocorrect) just the way she is. Besides, nobody really notices Jodie's huge tits, because we're all transfixed by the Museum of Modern Clip Art running down her arm.

The late-in-life lesbianface grandma formerly known as one of the hottest pieces in the 1976 Olympics has been open about the fact that he stretched his face in the name of undignified youth to fit in with the other melted dildo faces in the Kardashian family. But at the Mavericks vs. Lakers game in L.A. last night, Bruce Jenner kept his lips shut about the new trail of stitches along the side of his face and it's got the likes of USA Today asking if he went into the family plastic surgeon's office for another pulled pork special.

I've seen enough episodes of The Swan, Bridalplasty, Dr. 90210, Joan & Melissa and Extreme Makeover to know those stitches aren't from plastic surgery. Yes, I think Bruce Jenner wants his face to slowly morph into that of a freeze dried Billie Jean King, but I don't think those stitches on his face are from a surgery to get him there. Those stitches are from something else. Bruce probably had a biopsy, or a mole removal, or he actually spilled a little Arby's horsey sauce on his cheek and Khloe was a little too rough when she nom nom nom-ed it up.

Or maybe it is a plastic surgery scar after all. Pimp Mama Kris wants to keep all the cash in her pimp cup and after a crash course in face cutting (three episodes of Nip/Tuck), a trip to Toys 'R Us to buy Baby's First Plastic Surgery Kit and a certificate from Oneal Ron Morris' Academy of Bootleg Surgery, Dr. Baby Mason did Bruce Jenner's second facelift. It's about time that Baby Mason gets off his lazy diapered ass to start practicing the family's black magic art of scamming for a dollar.

As Pimp Mama Kris always says, there is no such thing as a free lunch! But there is such thing as a hot lunch with Kim and you'll have to see Kris to negotiate fees for that.

UPDATE: That was fast. Bruce tells TMZ that his doctor determined that a smell red mark on his face was cancerous. They removed it and now he's cancer-free, but has to keep his face shaded when he's out in the sun.