Plastic Surgery

That sound of an iceberg breaking off and falling into the ocean you hear is actually Nicole Kidman trying to raise a brow over what Kate Winslet said to The Telegraph recently. 35-year-old Kate says that she, Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson have formed of group of superhero actresses who are dropping kicking the plastic surgeon's scalpel and shooting bullets through silicone titty sacks, because turning their bodies into a frozen tundra of zero emotion is against their "morals." Kate Winslet's alleged original nose hummed out the melody to "Don't You Forget About Me" while she, Rachel and Emma said this:

“I will never give in,” vows Winslet. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty.”

Winslet, who is the daughter of “jobbing actors” from Berkshire, adds: “I am an actress, I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”

Her comments echo those by Thompson, to whom she has been close since they appeared together in Sense and Sensibility in 1995. “I’m not fiddling about with myself,” said Thompson, 52. “We’re in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60.”

Weisz, 41, for her part, has said her natural beauty is an asset. “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful,” said the Oscar-winning star of The Constant Gardener, who married Daniel Craig this year.

Okay...and? You can close your open palm, Kate, because nobody's going to get a step ladder to climb up to your high horse and give you a gold star.

Really, what's this "morals" crap? Stretching your face until you're barely recognizable doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a bad person to look at sometimes. If a Meg Ryan type wants to transform her face into Howard the Duck as seen through eyes of Picasso, who am I to judge? Yes, I'll make fun of her until my fingers go sore just like I'm making fun of Kate for standing at the altar of self-righteousness as the choir sings out "thiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiitch."

It's really not that serious. If you want to fuck with your face, fuck with your face. If you don't want to fuck with your face, don't fuck with your face. If you want to type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences, then type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences.

Jack Wagner (on the right, I think) will be singing ALLL AAAAAAAAAH NEEEEED to Heather Lockler at the wedding altar really soon, because the two told People that they are getting married and will pay Michael Mancini $1 million to help them flee the country since she's wanted by the police for killing her almost rapist in high school. I'm not sure if the wedding will happen before or after Eve tries to turn them into gravel meat with her car. You know, I don't know my own blood type, but I know almost every damn Melrose Place plot line. Shit, I hope Eve and Sexi Lexi wrestle on top of a mound of Peter's ashes at some point during the wedding.

This will be Heather's third time wearing a ball and chain in the form of a wedding ring. It will be Jack's second.

Heather Locklear has looked like she's been pregnant in the cheeks with twins for a long time, but when did Jack Wagner no longer look like Jack Wagner? Did Heather's cheeks eat his eyelids? Now he sort of looks like Derek Hough's old lesbian auntie. Will somebody please tell Heather Locklear's cheeks to spit out Jack Wagner's eyelids so he can go back to looking like Jack Wagner.

In case the can in your head reserved for reality trash was emptied since The Bachelor 14 ended last year, let me remind you who this Vienna Girardi chick is. Vienna is the overly toasted toucan from Florida who broke her losing streak of always coming in 4th place in every Haylie Duff lookalike contest (even the contests where she was the only contestant) by actually winning a competition. Well, that's if you count getting stuck with a human douche bottle full of anuses as "winning." At the end of The Bachelor 14, mega asshole Jake Pavelka gave Vienna Sausage the final rose. They quickly broke up and then Vienna Sausage took the ugly cry to a whole new terrifying level when she fought with asshole Jake during a reunion special. And now, she's back!

Vienna is on the new season of Bachelor Pad and she promoted that shit show by showing off her new beak job to UsWeekly. Vienna explains to UsWeekly why she decided to go under the plastic surgeon's chisel:

"It's something I've wanted since I was 9 or 10. In school, they called me Pinocchio. After The Bachelor, bloggers called me 'horse face.' Evil names. I even went blond because my dark hair made my nose look bigger!

After the surgery, you literally feel like you've had your skull cracked open."

Vienna says that now that she has a new nose to go with the plastic titty sacks she installed a while ago, she's okay with the way she looks and plans to stay away from the surgeon's office.

Vienna Sausage's schnoz looked fine then and it looks fine now. I can't even tell the difference, because all those layers of Photoshop are getting in the way. But I will say that with a different colored weave, she can finally move on from losing every Haylie Duff lookalike contest to losing every Teen Mom Farrah lookalike contest.

Kris Jenner got her face cut off, lifted and stitched last month just so she can look fresh for her main hooker's wedding on August 20th and she showed off the results while shopping at her store with a camera crew and Lara Spencer yesterday. Kris Jenner before looked like if Joyce DeWitt's mug shot got stuck to the front of Larry from Three's Company head, and she still looks like that but with a facelift and a winking nostril.

Seriously, this is why getting a facelift freaks me out. You go in with normal face and you come out with frozen face and a wonky nostril. Nose looking like it's doing an impersonation of Parasite Hilton and shit. That's not the look. Kris Jenner looked fine before. Instead of getting her face lifted, she should've gotten her brain lifted out of her ass.

Kim Kardashian will make the bowels of hell churn out bubbles of victory when she marries that dude whose soul will be sucked into her big fat ass for the rest of eternity in a couple of months, and her mother Pimp Mama Kris Jenner wants to look as fresh as a wax mannequin's taint for the occasion.

So the owner of the womb that created 3 attention sucking monsters got the Kim Kardashian Special by pulling and yanking at her face. Since Pimp Mama Kris can't even drop a piss without the red light on a camera staring at her, her facelift will be on an episode of her show Krapping In The Kardashians. You know, each episode of that mess should be in black and white and narrated by Rod Sterling, because getting your face cut up on camera is some Twilight Zone shit. Anyway, Pimp Mama Kris got tapped with the scalpel about a month ago and E! has the rest of the details I know your ass cares about:

"I don't want to die," Kris joked, kind of, after calling it the "most stressful morning" of her life.

"Don't cry, you're going to be fine," Kim assured her mom.

So, what was she having done?

One look at the ever youthful Jenner and it's clear she wasn't exactly in need of a physical overhaul, so she opted only for a mini facelift, getting a little nip/tuck work done around her neck and eyes.

If you woke up next to Bruce Jenner's Michael Myers mask face and the Halloween theme song played in your head as you pissed fear into your pajama chonies every morning, wouldn't you wear pajama diapers to bed instead of pajama chonies? And also, wouldn't you be scared straight off the plastic surgeon's scalpel forever?! Seriously, I wouldn't even use that anti-aging cream shit out of fear that my pores will pucker and I'll look like a piece of freeze dried chicken paillard. Bruce face's will do that to a bitch. But not Kris! I guess the female Larry Dallas wants the entire Kardashian family to look like a row of Chinatown money cats at Kim's dumb ass wedding.

Above is a pre-lifted Kris with Bruce Jenner back in May and below is Kris with Vera Wang on June 30th.

Megan Fox uploaded 4 pictures to her Facebook page yesterday and titled the album "THINGS YOU CAN'T DO WITH YOUR FACE WHEN YOU HAVE BOTOX" when she really should've titled it "4 FACIAL EXPRESSIONS YOU CAN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM MADE REAL DOLL."

I believe Megan Fox when burps out about how she doesn't fuck her forehead with a Botox needle. There's no need for her to frown and make her WTF forehead wrinkles look like a creepy skin rainbow of skinny labias. That is what the whirlpool into nightmares look like. There's no need for her to do that. There's also no need for Megan to post a bunch of head shots that make her look like Adrien Brody created her by splicing the DNA of Amanda Lepore, a hairless cat and alien blow-up doll. Megan is Botox free. If she had a list of ingredients printed on her ass cheek, collagen, silicone, alien cartilage and various feline parts would be on that list, but Botox wouldn't! We get it. No Botox. You win.

The CliffsNotes version of this post is: Bitch fucked up her face (without the help of Botox)!

Amy Fisher got famous from shooting Mary Buttafuoco in the face, then she got famous again for getting loads shot into her face in porn, and now she's famous again again for shooting Botox, collagen and Drano gel into her face. If they ever make a sequel to the perfect TV masterpiece Causalities of Love, Alyssa Milano will only be able to reprise her role as Amy Fisher if she wears a molded silicone mask modeled after Angelina Jolie's Real Doll.

Amy, a married mother of three and porn star, sat down with Entertainment Tonight to talk about her reality television debut in Dr. Drew's junkie-for-pay show Celebrity Rehab. Amy admitted that she sucks on the booze bottle to escape life and then she said something that should really be Celebrity Rehab's tagline: "I don't need rehab, but I think I made for an interesting cast member!" Clip below Clip below of Amy's lips desperately trying to move like two obese snakes stuck in a pool of hardened gelatin:

Amy Fisher is a deranged mess of melting delusion, but I have to give her credit for her impeccable and classic eyebrow situation as well as the made in France talons of exquisiteness on her finger tips. That being said, why does Amy Fisher hate faces so much?! What does she have against faces and why is she not talking to Dr. Drew about her face hating ways? Amy committed an illegal act by half paralyzing Mary Jo's face with a bullet and now she's half paralyzed her own face with plastic! If you asked Mary Jo about this, she'd probably say that karma is a back alley plastic surgeon.

Bristol Palin has a really good reason for why she now looks like a silicone jar filled with an Audrina Patridge/Heidi Montag swirl. Bristol didn't get the tip of a dildo inserted into her chin and a wet vac didn't suck the baby making fat out of her neck. Bristol tells UsWeekly that she had corrective jaw surgery last December and it changed her face. "Corrective jaw surgery" is the new "deviated septum!"

Bristol had an improper bite ("That explains everything!" - Levi's peen) and underwent surgery to correct it. Bristol wore braces as a kid to correct her overbite, but dentists have always told her that she would have to get surgery sooner or later. Bristol lost 5 pounds from only eating liquid foods for a couple of months. If you don't fee like straining your face muscles for the likes of Bristol Palin, feel free to print out a "bitch please mask" to wear while you read what she has to say about her new face.

"It's not plastic surgery. I had corrective jaw surgery. Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons...so my jaw and teeth could properly realign...I don't obsess over my face. I am absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature and don't have as much of a chubby little baby face. I wouldn't get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured."

IMPROVED?! Okay. Bristol then went on to say that she suffered from chronic cold neck so she got extensions to correct that condition. Bristol's doctors also diagnosed her with overactive lungs, so she'll have to get breast implants in the future to control that. IT'S A MEDICAL CONDITION!

That being said, Bristol's surgeon fucked up and he should do the surgery again. The doctor didn't correct anything. I mean, her jaw is still moving.

Over at Gawker, they have a comprehensive gallery of 20-year-old Bristol Palin's old face of 2010 and the new face she's been flaunting all through 2011. One of their "before and after" comparisons is this picture of Bristol in Nov. '10 paired with a picture of Bristol in April '11. The Bristol Palin of 2010 looks like Bristol Palin, and the Bristol Palin of 2011 looks like what you would get if JWoww's face came off on Snooki's face after they fell asleep on each other in the sauna. Or what you would get if Jay Leno put on an extra-tight Soleil Moon Frye skin suit.

Maybe Bristol lost all that Dancing with the Stars weight and the extra chunk gathered up in her chin. It happens. Maybe one of those Wasilla meth shacks is really an underground chin installing center. It happens too. Whatever the case may be, the result is the same: BRISTOL HAS GONE HOLLYWOOD! Bristol used to look like every other wholesome Alaskan teen who regularly gets caught humping her teen boyfriend on an RV. And now Bristol looks like someone you should be ordering mango Jell-O shots from at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. It happens too too.

The only real offense I see here is the assault with a deadly tweezer she committed on her eyebrows. Bristol needs to add "her brow hairs" to the list of things that should not be plucked before marriage. This is the word of the lord.

Here's a few of my own thrown together before and after pictures, but get your Det. La Toya magnifying glass out and click here to see more.

A source tells UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes (pictured last week on the right, and last summer on the left) asked herself that question over and over again, and so she finally made the decision to surgically enhance her chest area to make it as plump as the hills she glides through every night in Fantastica. The source went on to claim that LeAnn is bold as hell, because she used the plastic surgeon of Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Glanville. LeAnn even went for the same cup size as Brandi's plastic titty sacks. Let's see, so LeAnn brought in a picture of the tits her fiance used to lick on and told her plastic surgeon, "Give me that!" Yeah, that totally isn't going to be used as a sample sentence in the dictionary for the word DESPERATE. Nope, not at all.

The source (whose name probably rhymes with Mandi Flanhill) said that LeAnn got implants put in really, really recently, "She’s always, always been insecure about her size. She was a small A-cup. She often talked about wanting to get implants. She’d say, “I just want a little bit so they’re proportionate to my body.'"

And I guess, irony tastes like silicone today, because the source also claims that LeAnn always made fun of Brandi for looking artificial, "When Brandi and LeAnn were constantly fighting, one of LeAnn's jabs at Brandi was that she was plastic. Brandi replied, 'Be careful, honey. That's what Eddie likes. You'll be there someday too.' Looks like Brandi was right!"

Really, it doesn't matter. We all have tit implants nowadays. That being said, LeAnn still should've had D-cup eyeballs installed into her sockets so she could clearly see that Eddie Cibrian is a douchebag asshole with a wandering peen that won't quit. Implants or not.