Answer: Not a one!
Whoopi Goldberg went to a Vanity Fair party at the Tribeca Film Festival in NYC last night and UsWeekly asked her a few questions. Based on the way Whoopi was dressed, they should've asked her what it was like teaching a young Harry Potter. But instead they asked her who she thinks should replace Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselcrack on The View next season. Whoopi's internal hard drive processed that question for a quick second before she opened up her empty hands to show UsWeekly how many fucks she gives.
"Let me tell you this about The View: I take a paycheck every other week. That's all I do. I could give a shit what comes. I do my job -- I have a contract. That's where I stand. I don't give a fuck."
Just in case we didn't get it the first time, the honey badger of daytime talk show hosts let us know that unless ABC pays her to care, she no care!
"I don't care. That's not my job. My job is to show up and be cute by 11 o'clock and get the fuck off that show by 12. And that's what I try to do. I think it's the only way to keep your sanity because these are not decisions that I get to make. It ain't my show. It's Barbara's show."
So all Whoopi does is show up on time, leave on time and be cute? Barbara Walters needs to bring up that last part in Whoopi's next employee evaluation, because I've seen the shit she wears on TV and it definitely doesn't fall into the cute category. But seriously, where can I get a job like Whoopi's, because I really want to get paid to not give one shit. Oh...wait....
And here's a knocked up Evan Rachel Wood, Sandra Bernhard and Sienna Miller at last night's Vanity Fair party and I'm sure Whoopi doesn't give a shit about any of them.
Some hos who really know me know that nothing takes me higher like a highly important story about butt burps, so a few emails with the subject "WHOOPI JUST FARTED ON THE VIEW" farted their way into my inbox after I watched Whoopee ALLEGEDLY let out a loud air kiss through her asshole. But I need to see receipts! Unless Whoopi's got a mic clipped to her anus lips (very possible) or her butt boom traveled all the way to her mic, I don't think we'd able to hear her fart that clearly. It looks to me like Whoopi was about to ask Claire Danes a question when her lips got twisted and made a BRAARRGHGHGH noise. Then Whoopi played it off like it came out of her ass. The View's spokeswhore said that it was just joke and Whoopi only pretended it came from her. How low can Whoopi go?! Bitch is asslip-synching now? If we can't trust Whoopi to give us an authentic fart, how can we trust her at all?
That said, that fart-like sound was way more interesting than anything that has come out of Elisabeth Hasselcrack's mouth, so they should just play that sound every time she talks.
And if you need me, I'll be making room on my living room shelf for all the Pulitzer Prizes I'm going to get for this post. More like Pullmyfingeritzer Prizes.
Just when I was about to declare Christie Brinkley my personal goddess of the Tony Awards for showing up looking and posing like a Drop Dead Gorgeous extra, Frances McDormand took to the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a Play while wearing an ensemble that is slightly dressier than the ripped sweat shorts I'm wearing right now.
If you needed fucks to get into the Tonys last night, I'm not sure Frances would've gotten in, because she obviously didn't have any to give. Frances also saved reporters from asking her the stupid question "Who are you wearing?", because the red tag on her jean jacket already gave up that information. The look of the night. This is what your high school poli sci teacher would look like if you ran into her at the car wash on the weekend. Hair that couldn't even pick out a hairbrush from a line-up of hairbrushes.
And if wearing your mom's favorite beach outfit to a fancy awards show wasn't enough for me to fall in love with Frances all over again, she busted out her best mug shot poses backstage. If there isn't such thing as a "Best Dressed of the Tonys" list, then there needs to be so Frances can sit on top of that shit where she belongs.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's Book of Mormon Appreciation Ceremony. In order: my new style icon, DanRad, Professor Whoopi McGonagall, Judith Light, Christie Brinkley, PATSY STONE!!!, Alec Baldwin with guest, Tyne Daly with her piece, Al Pacino with guest and Ellen Barkin.
TMZ dug through the vaults of 1992 and pulled out a clip (click here to see it) of Whoopi Goldberg proclaiming her love for the good shit while doing voice-over stuff for The Pagemaster. Whoopi told the crew before Denzel Washington came out to present Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars in 1991, she was smoking a good shit joint to help numb her nerves. When her name slipped out of Denzel's lips, the nervousness nearly blew the green cloud of her head and Whoopi didn't know whether to chew on her dreads for a quick snack or lick the statue hoping that the metal would even her out. Whoopi GreenGoldberg put it like this:
"Smoking cigarettes and pot every now and then are my habits. And I thought, 'I've got to relax.' So I smoked this wonderful joint that was the last of my home grown.
When he said my name and I popped up, I thought, 'Oh fuck... okay, up the stairs... around to the podium... there's millions of people, pick up the statue, get the statue.
I know you're not supposed to admit that you smoke pot, but I don't drink alcohol. Just because I do it doesn't mean you should."
Whoopi's mom knew what was up and could tell she was high by her "glistening eyes."
You know how I can tell Whoopi definitely smoked a joint? Because if you skip to the 1:20 mark, you'll see Angelica Houston throw her the same stank look my friends always throw me. That's the "this bitch puffed more than passed" look. Angelica's probably the one who brought the joint and Whoopi sucked it all up. While Whoopi is jumping through Funyun rings, Angelica is the epitome of sober and she is not amused.
This past weekend, The New York Times published an article on how there's not one black actor nominated for an Oscar this year. They documented black winners of the past and they left out a few names including Whoopi Goldberg's. Whoopi felt it was disrespectful and she fired at The New York Times on The View this morning. The always modest Whoopi brought her Oscar as back-up and told those not knowing hos that she was the first black actress to win an Oscar after Hattie McDaniel 50 years (she originally said 70 years) earlier. Whoopi said that even the most rare insects on Planet Earth who have never seen a human face would know who she is. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHOOPI.
Whoopi was so angry that if she had eyebrows, they would've caught on fire sending a piping hot cloud of smoke floating up to the sprinklers. The sprinklers would've went off and the water would've melted Elisabeth Hasselcrack immediately. This is why eyebrows are important and we should all have them.
Popeater says that The New York Times isn't planning on apologizing, because they were focusing on the winners of the 2000s and Whoopi won in the 90s. STILL! The New York Times should issue a full page apology and print it in every single edition until the Oscars. If they don't, Whoopi is going to continue to complain about this shit every single day. Besides, you don't fuck with a woman who dresses like the nurse at an Amish daycare center.
It looks like it's a new kind of cold in Hamburg, Germany, so of course Whoopi Goldberg is going to bundle up like you when some bitch in your office turns the AC all the way up. It doesn't totally bother me that she looks like the Harry Potter section of a mini-mall costume shop violently hugged her and refused to let go, but what is that ugly shit on her feet? It looks like an UGG throwing up a CROC, or vice versa.
It's fitting that Whoopi's shoelaces look like the devil's tampon string, because those things are a gift from the underworld.
Here's more of Whoopi and her Lucifer hooves at the opening of Sister Act in Hamburg.
Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?
Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn't know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don't know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)
Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack's asshole made it impossible for her to do the "stealing your men, and taking over your companies" strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:
But I can't stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit's memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!
And no comment about Sherri "The German" Shepherd as Grace Jones.
Michaele Salahi (Pronounced: FAME WHORE), the spotlight fucker who crashed a White House party last year, is one of The Real Housewives of DC and she went on The View yesterday to promote that shit. In addition to promoting the show, Michaele also continued to promote what a true dumbass she is.
During some stupid fight between the housewives, Whoopi Goldberg showed up from backstage, nudged Michaele and said to her, "Excuse me, can we get back to the White House, please?" After the segment finished taping, Michaele told one of the producers that Whoopi hit her ass. When this got back to Whoopi, she lifted up her pilgrim skirt and flew towards Michaele to curse her out. Whoopi admits to throwing a tornado full of fuck words at Michaele for lying about getting hit.
On The View this morning, Whoopi admitted to filling Michaele's ears with beautiful fuck words and showed a clip of what really happened. Whoopi also says she will not crash Michaele's front door with an "I'm So Sowwy" basket. Clip from Jezebel:
The Salahi's lawyer Lisa Bloom tells The Daily Beast that they are still waiting for an apology from The View for calling them party crashers and saying they should be in jail. Lisa Bloom released this statement:
“I think they treated her horribly. I think they defamed her. I was really shocked by the way she was treated. It’s one thing to ask tough questions, it’s another to use defamatory language when you’ve been warned not to.”
Instead of nudging Michaele, Whoopi should've pulled that whole ugly chair down and cackled as that bitch crashed into the floor. The audience would've started shouting, "WHOOPI THAT TRICK! WHOOPI THAT TRICK!" That beautiful moment would've won them a dozen Emmys.
I hope Bravo has a camera on Michaele when Whoopi's best friend Mel Gibson calls her. In a total twist that will rock Mel's mind, Michaele will say "Okay, what's your address?" when he tells her to blow him before the Jacuzzi.
But more importantly, is it just me or does Whoopi Goldberg sometimes remind you of a butch Antoine Merriweather from Men on Film?
Whoopi Goldberg's dreads almost caught on fire and shot out of her scalp on The View this morning when she went off at the bitches who are terrorizing the receptionist at her office with hate-filled calls that only Mel Gibson would approve of. The calls are coming in, because Whoopi defended Mel on The View the other day by saying that he's a personal friend of hers and she doesn't think he's a racist racist.
Whoopi said that if the bloggers and "people sitting at home trying to find stuff to do" (aka the people who watch her show) would've paid attention to her original rant, they would've heard that she never condoned his behavior. Whoopi then put on her annoying Valley Girl voice and joked that she must be a racist too, because she regularly curses out hos (example: you white bleep or you black bleep, etc...) who fuck with her.
I wish the camera would've panned to Hasselcrack and Sherri Shepherd at that exact moment, because they were probably beaming out of every single one of their orifices. For once they weren't the ones wearing the "Crazy Dumb Bitch" cap.
And if Whoopi's receptionist is tired of being called a "cunt whore bitch" by the haters, then she can forward those calls to me. I'm into it. It would be nice to hear it from someone who isn't a bill collector.....or one of my relatives.