Your Lips Scare Me
Lindsay Lohan showed up to the amfAR Gala in NYC last night and where oh where to begin...
THOSE CHEEKS! Phoebe Price better inject her farm to table cheeks with massive amounts of growth hormones, because LiLo is showing her up in the chicken cutlets department. LiLo's got a Costco chicken cutlets family pack stuffed into those cheeks.
THOSE LIPS! That lipstick color makes her lips look like two long keloids. Not that she was invited, but the only way LiLo can go to the Grammys this Sunday is if she covers the puffy labia lips on her face with a pussy pastie.
THAT WIG WEAVE THING! I'm not sure if that's an old wig, factory-defected Barbie hair from the Mattel factory or if she just pulled clumps of hair out of the drain, sprayed them down with shellac and threw that shit on her head.
THOSE SHOES! Those are the shoes that come in the amateur drag queen starter kit.
WOODY ALLEN! Creepy ass Woody Allen looks creeped out and that's an achievement since the contents of his hard drive can probably make the most seasoned FBI agent blush.
THE ENTIRE LOOK! It's very "60-something retired Italian porn star turned black widow."
With all that being said, this might be the best she's looked in months! I guess living in White Oprah's house is doing her some good. Yeah, the NYDN says that LiLo can't even afford rent at the Y, so she's moved back into her old room at White Oprah's house on Long Island. QUICK! Somebody get Albert Maysles over there, because that mess sounds like the coked up, drunk version of Grey Gardens. Grey Goose Gardens!
If you're throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan's bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you're obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.
LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better." The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she's a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I'm glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.
I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York, got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie's culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn't licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo's upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, "No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu." I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.
You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.
And Judge Stephanie set LiLo's next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won't face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let's all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.
A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.
If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn't a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.
LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn't go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.
Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo's half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:
"I didn't even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don't pay attention to any of it. I don't want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things."
Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn't crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she's Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it's best to play dumb.
When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn't see it and you don't even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it's not your purse and you'll have to look up the word "stolen" in the dictionary, because you don't even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don't know what she's talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don't admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don't have to share your 8-ball with her.
And there's today's lesson from LiLo!
When a trick spends an entire night with Lindsay Lohan at Chateau Marmont, the first thing she does in the morning is pull her valuables out of Kleptohan's booty bag of a cooch. The next she does is wash away Lindsay Lohan's stank with alcohol-based hair dye. That's obviously the reason for why Lana Del Taco dyed her usually red locks a shitty shade of MEH and showed it off at last night's GQ Men of the Year Awards in London. I've seen painted up corpses lying in coffins that give more expressive facial expressions than Lana does, but at least the ginger hair made her look like she belonged on Team The Living if we ever got into a humans vs. zombies war. But now, she looks like cold death on ludes.
If you're ever out of Ambien, and for some reason Lana Del Rey and Kristen Stewart are in the room with you, just ask them to take turns giving each other really sad news using only their facial expressions. Watching those two miserables bitches try to out-Emo each other will put you out faster than watching paint dry on a Kate Bosworth cardboard cutout.
Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won't) and let's play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan's cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!
1. That ombre face - LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.
2. Those brows - The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn't the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you're doing it right! Yes, LiLo's brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!
3. That random bobby pin - 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can't shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.
4. Those lips - Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.
5. That overall face - LiLo's face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, and that' seriously the nicest thing I've said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.
While most singers try to sing from their diaphragm, Mimi goes way deep and sings from her coochie. Now, that is how it's done! During the closing concert at the Ischgl ski resort in Austria yesterday, Mimi prepared to let out a 32 octave butterfly yodel by breathing in so hard that her Spandex ski pants practically polished her damn cervix. Mimi's poon will be spitting out Spandex for days! I refuse to call it a camel toe, because Mimi doesn't do camels, darlings. It's more like a lamb toe. Hell, it's the whole damn lamb's foot! It also looks like a unicorn putting its hooves together to pray, and two butterfly cocoons hanging next to each other, and Homer Simpson with red lipstick on, and a fortune cookie molded from Play-Doh. Basically, Mimi's cooze flaps look like everything. Who knew that Mimi has the Rorschach test of pussy lips?
Even though Mimi's got an entire stampede up in her pants and her coochie could be a star in the world of competitive pants-eating, CoCo is still the Queen of Camel Toes. I mean, who would you put money on in a camel toe wrestling match? Exactly.
Because all of us want to look as sexy and svelte as possible even as we piss ourselves, Depend has come out with a line of ultra slim piss pads that won't give you diaper lines, and they've hired 48-year-old Lisa Rinna of all hos to push that shit in a new commercial. I know Lisa's career is in the shit can and her lips could win first place in a throbbing hemorrhoid look-alike contest, but besides that what does she have to do with bowel movements? I guess Depend is saving Fergie for their new collection of diaper g-strings, Hugh Jackman for their line of diaper speedos and Gérard Depardieu for their line of control-top french cut piss catchers. Whatever. Lisa's collagen worm lips aren't going to plump themselves, so I say, piss yourself to a check, Lisa Renal!
TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn't paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it's headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what's a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.
Octo didn't only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she's a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO'ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.
On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn't even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she's really the epitome of a perfect mother: "The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit."
On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won't hit on her: "I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 - I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off."
On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: "I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself."
Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren't slobbering over her with their eyes, they're running from her insane ass, because they're afraid that if they stand too close they'll knock her ass up. Bitch's body didn't magically ping back into shape, unless by "ping back into shape" she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won't look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.
NBC should've gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend's Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan's face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn't freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan's face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don't know if she's storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she's trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.
I am also well aware that she's got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin's b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening.....
Here's a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she's ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.
Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting an air kiss from Judge Stephanie in court yesterday by doing what she does best: partying her nostrils off. (Don't worry, she keeps a glue stick in her purse so she can easily slap them back on her face.) While looking like a Playboy Playmate of 1976 turned Real Housewife of The Staten Island Expressway, LiLo strut her baboon labia lips into a pre-Oscar party as White Oprah stumbled in behind her.
LiLo is supposed to scoot a skid mark across Elizabeth Taylor's image by playing her in that Lifetime shit, but you wouldn't know it by that hair. That hair color (in shade: meth-stained teeth) tells me that she shouldn't be playing Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch should be playing current day Joyce McKinney! Just throw a cloned puppy at LiLo and yell, "ACTION!"
And I don't know if White Oprah did antifreeze shots in the car or if her face is so used to being drunk that it just naturally looks like that even when she's sober. HA at me thinking she's ever sober.