And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you're always giving a bitch the finger.
Almost two weeks after Shakira's truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique's son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF's website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF's donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:
"We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us."
Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan's head and it looks like he can do it.
And damn at Gerard's finger. Dude isn't only hung in the crotch, he's hung in the fingers too.
If you're in Barcelona and thought that your city was under attack by a herd of rabid goats, there's no need to sit in fear and wait until they chew you alive. It wasn't a herd of rabid goats, it was just Shakira letting out a goat wail while giving birth to her first kid (see what I did there?). Shakira and her big peened piece Gerard Piqué are parents to a baby boy who weighed in at 6lbs. 6oz. Somebody posted this announcement on Shakira's website today:
We are happy to announce the birth of Milan Piqué Mebarak, son of Shakira Mebarak and Gerard Piqué, born January 22nd at 9:36pm, in Barcelona, Spain.
The name Milan (pronounced MEE-lahn), means dear, loving and gracious in Slavic; in Ancient Roman, eager and laborious; and in Sanskrit, unification.
Just like his father, baby Milan became a member of FC Barcelona at birth.
The hospital confirmed that the couple’s first child weighed approximately 6lbs. 6 ounces, and that both mother and child are in excellent health.
I see them trying to act like they named Milan after a Slavic meaning, but they can't fool me. Minutes before Shakira shook Baby Milan out of her body (like this), a long table with RuPaul and the other RuPaul's Drag Race judges behind it rolled out and RuPaul announced, "London, Paris, MEE-LAHN!" And out sashayed Baby Milan. They didn't name Milan after a Slavic meaning. They named Milan after Milan from Drag Race, obviously. Your hips might not lie, Shakira, but your baby name announcements do!
Shakira announced on her Facebook page today that yes, she wrapped herself around Pique's torta peen and the two made a fetus together that is now living in her uterus, which looks exactly like the sparkly cave in the She-Wolf video. Shakira didn't say how long her fetus has been in there or if it should take some Dramamine pills so it doesn't get all dizzy in the head when she's chair spinning on The Voice, but she's knocked up enough to cancel a few appearances. Shakira had this to say and I'm also pasting the Spanish translation, because I'm GOOPY Paltrow and you're Apple Martin and you're only allowed to read pregnancy announcements in Spanish:
As some of you may know, Gerard and I are very happy awaiting the arrival of our first baby! At this time we have decided to give priority to this unique moment in our lives and postpone all the promotional activities planned over the next few days.
This means I will not be able to be a part of the iHeartRadio Music Festival, but I’m sure this weekend in Las Vegas will be spectacular and I will be closely following everything that happens there!
I’d like to thank Clear Channel and my fans for their constant love and understanding.
And will see you very soon!
Como muchos de uds saben, Gerard y yo estamos muy felices esperando la llegada de nuestro primer bebé.
En esta ocasión hemos decidido darle prioridad a este momento único en nuestras vidas y es por esto que hemos decidido postergar las actividades promocionales de los próximos días.
Agradezco a mis fans por el cariño y la comprensión de siempre y estoy segura que este fin de semana en Las Vegas será espectacular, estaré siguiendo muy de cerca el concierto de iHeartRadio y todo lo que pase allí.
Un beso muy grande,
Nos vemos pronto!
But will Shakira's breasts stay small and humble so we don't confuse them with mountains?! That's the only thing I want to know. Other than that, I'll be in the corner making a crib mobile for Shakira's kid using pictures of its daddy making hand love with another dude while trapped in a heart-shaped bubble of preciousness. Because nothing is more soothing than footballer-on-footballer love.
There's really nothing for me to add to this gripping as fuck tale of how Shakira's brother "Super Tony" bravely saved her from getting mauled to death by a seal, so I'll just let her tell you in her own words. How she can operate a keyboard after nearly getting murdered by a seal is beyond me. The woman is so..so..so...brave. From Shakira's Facebook (via People):
This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly!
Seriously, is Shakira trying to make us believe that the seal mistook her BlackBerry for a damn fish? Shakira is basically calling that seal a dumb bitch! Shakira is leaving something out, I'm sure. I bet that Shakira started to serenade that seal and since her singing voice sounds like a hurt goat in trauma, the seal tried to eat her. Because seals obviously like to eat goats. Shakira is lying and that seal's good name must be cleared. Somebody drag Shakira's hips in for an interrogation since those motherfuckers always tell the truth.
When Shakira and Antonio de la Rua told all of us to gather in the "nice" living room and sit in a row on the sofa, we knew something serious was going to go down. But when they carried the armchairs from the dining room and sat in front of us, we knew something serious SERIOUS was going down. Then Shakira pulled out a letter the two co-wrote during one of their therapy sessions and calmly told us that after 11 years together, they quietly split last summer. We might have noticed that Antonio hasn't been around lately. Shakira made excuses like, "Oh, he's working late and is going to sleep on the sofa in his office." But the truth is, Antonio moved out! They still love us very much and we can visit Antonio at his new apartment any time we want. And then Shakira softly read the letter (via Shakira's blog):
During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.
However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.
We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.
Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.
We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.
Shakira and Antonio
I really do love that they wrote a letter that started with "Dear Friends..." Doesn't it make you feel all special? Like your parents giving you the "divorce" talk. But Shakira and Antonio really didn't have to write that letter. They just had to show us the picture above and it would've told us everything. Yup, that dog is definitely THAT KIND OF DOG. The kind of dog who splits up longterm relationships with his constant loud ass middle of the night lickings that wakes up everybody! Shakira was sick of waking up to the sound of SLURP SLURP SLURP coming from the foot of her bed. Okay, we all want to wake up to the slurping sound coming from down below, but now when it's a dog licking on his own ass at full volume! Get your own room, dog!
(Thanks to Ken for sending this in)
Here's Shakirrrrrrrrra poppin' that pussy while wearing one of Gay Al's favorite shower puffs during a photo shoot in Ibiza yesterday. You know, if I could lift my leg over my head while wearing a pink tulle mullet all my problems would be solved. Not really, but at least I'd have an answer to give at group therapy when they ask everyone what their greatest accomplishment in life is. But I'm going to leave that limber shit to the Shakiras of the world, because I can't even do the Downward Facing Dog for 2 minutes without taking a 1 minute break. And you wonder why I have no social life.