Porn

Vivid released Teen Mom Farrah's "private" backdoor sex tape today and if the full video is anything like the 5-minute-long clip, then watching saliva dry on a white paper plate is more fap worthy than watching Farrah's concrete pyramid titties not move while James Deen humps her from the back. Farrah's soulless dead eyes say it all. I mean, that TV and speaker in the background have more sexual chemistry than Backdoor Ferret (typo and it stays) and James Deen have.

Farrah's acting skills are about as lifeless her titty cones, which I swear were filled with quick drying cement instead of silicone, because I don't think I saw them move once. When James Deen was hitting it from the front, I expected him to pull out orange halves to make orange juice on her rock hard cone tits. You could break blocks of ice on those tits.

Farrah says "cock" and "baby" in her annoying voice so many times that by the end of the clip, I wanted to poke out my ear drums with her pointy tits.

If you really want to see Farrah lazily blow James' soft peen like she's brushing her teeth at the end of a long day and squirt (WHY!!!?) after doing herself with a glass dildo in the back of a limo, then put on your NSFW head mask and (NSFW) click here to see the 5 minute clip and go to Drunken Stepfather to see the clip of Backdoor Ferret squirting.

And Farrah is still trying to make us think it was a private sex tape:

I don't even have the strength to respond to that, because I'm still traumatized from hearing Backdoor Ferret say, "Was my ass tight, baby?"

With all that being, Backdoor Ferret got almost $1 million for boning and the only thing I get after boning is directions to the front door.

The extremely private "sex tape" that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who's probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn't a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It's really a foolproof plan since the world's biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.

TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I'm guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they're calling it "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom."

Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she's going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer's Eve, because if that isn't a douche ad I don't know what is. Summer's Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don't want no poop noodle!

And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.

And there's a headline that'll make your genitals close up or run up into your body and never come out.

Tan Mom serving up some "burnt, beached manatee" glamour in her topless beach photo shoot was only the beginning and what she really wants to do is spread her deep fried oyster for a peen on camera.  Teen Mom Farrah is trying to get $2 million for the porn she made with James Deen and Tan Mom writes in a letter to Vivid that nobody wants to see some young ho lay down some whack amateur coochie game. What the public really wants to see is Tan Mom's pork rind poon in action. Tan Mom writes:

"I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom. Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness. I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah! Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper. Contact me back if you're ready to talk serious cash and rock the world."

Steve Hirsch from Vivid isn't exactly reaching into his wallet to pull out some MONIES to give to Tan Mom. His response was: "Unfortunately we don't have a granny porn section on Vivid.com, but we feel your look would be perfect for radio. You could talk about everything you've ever done on a tanning bed."

Steve Hirsch can eat his own ass. Tan Mom doesn't belong in the granny porn category, she belongs in the leather fetish category. Get it right, Steve. But whatever, Tan Mom will show that beauty-hating Steve. She'll team up with OctoMom, they'll do a scissor porn together and make all the MONIES! The officials at Gitmo will buy every copy and use it as no-touch torture.

Well, here's a touching mother-daughter story that'll make you scrub rubbing alcohol into your eyeballs while soaking in a tub full of boiling hot ammonia. What I'm saying is that you should check to make sure you have a lot of ammonia and rubbing alcohol on hand.

Meet 56-year-old Jessica and 22-year-old Monica, a mother and daughter (meaning, Jessica gave birth to Monica) who are so close that they share everything including peens. Jessica and Monica are known as the mother-daughter porn duo (NSFL) The Sexxxtons and they've been doing dudes on camera together for about a year now. HuffPo says that they confirmed that they are actually mother and daughter by checking their drives licenses and private Facebook pages.

Just like the other mother/daughter porn duo Elli and Desi Foxx, Jessica and Monica tell HuffPo (via Gawker) that they have rules like every mother and daughter who bone the same dude together should. Jessica says that they will have threesomes with a dude or another chick, but they won't touch each other or kiss.

"We don't have a problem doing two-on-one. We will have sex with one man, but not interact with each other. It's not easy to do. Our lips never touch and that can be a problem when filming."

Monica is the one who got them in the porn business. Monica dropped out of school in the 9th grade and after years of stripping and bartending, she met some people in porn and got her mom in the business first. Soon after her mom was humping sex parts on camera, Monica joined her and the rest is porn history.

Monica says that sure, sometimes she has suck dicks that taste like Palmolive, because dude had to wash it in the bathroom sink after sticking in her mom, but overall she loves doing fuck films with her mom.

"I enjoy the sex and I enjoy being with my mom. During the scenes, I think about how we're going to be filthy rich."

Ho enjoys sex and enjoys being with her mom so she put the two together? I like eating cupcakes naked and pinching my nipples while watching Property Brothers, but you don't see me putting those two things together. Actually, scratch that, I've been there. And during scenes, shouldn't bitch be thinking, "SANTO DIOS, I hope my mom's twatty juices don't drip on my face right now."

P.S. -  You probably guessed this after reading the words, "mother-daughter porn duo," but they're from Tampa, Florida. Oh, Florida, it's always you.

P.P.S. - So many Lohan jokes, so little time.

It was either that picture above or a picture of Shia LaDouche's wet baby thumb peen. I went with this picture, because how can I resist a picture of Shia giving us Buffalo Bill meets "I always depend on the kindness of strangers" realness?

Shia LaDouche is done making big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, because for some reason he's sick of studio executives finger fucking him in the ass and controlling every little thing. Crazy, right? Shia says that he's tired of getting knuckled in the butt, but I guess he can't totally stay away from getting knuckled, because in his next movie, he's going to get knuckled literally. Maybe!

During an interview with MTV (via Complex), Shia talked about his next movie, Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac, and he promises that he's going to get down in some real ass. Shia says, "It is what you think it is. There's a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says, we're doing [the sex] for real. And anything that is 'illegal' will be shot in blurred images. But other than that, everything is happening." 

Nymphomaniac isn't a biopic about Gerard Butler. It's some fancy two-part art shit that follows a woman's sex life from her young years all the way up to her horny old ho years. Charlotte Gainsbourg plays the woman and the movie also stars Shia, Nicole Kidman, Willem Dafoe and Stellan Skarsgård.

I'm looking at the words "real sex" and then at the cast list and all I can type is: NOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOO OOO OO OOOOOO!!!! This is Lars Von Trier we're talking about, so it's not going to be some hot sex times either. It's going to be some depraved, disturbing shit. It's going to make you skip the shower and go directly to your garage where your water tank is. This is why water tanks should have lids. So you can just jump inside and fully submerge the sucio images in your brain. I bet Lars' movie will include a tribute to Lemon Party starring Shia, Willem and Stellan. Okay, that might be kind of hot.

And I pity the whore who will lie down with Shia and wake up with dick fleas.

And OctoMom's manufactured O face is the exact open-mouthed, wonk-eyed face I made while looking at most of these pictures. My eyeballs really tried to escape by rolling to the back when I landed on this picture of Octo dressed like a forgotten Rock of Love Bus trick who buys all of her clothes at gas stations and rest stop gift shops. I mean, how did that vest happen?

OctoMom's fap born debut titled "Octomom: Home Alone" is coming out (apologies for the things that pun did to your stomach) next week and Wicked got the party started by giving these censored pictures to TMZ. Usually, I'm cursing at a black bar for being a fun hater by blocking the goods, but I'm okay with them this time. We're cool. They're doing good work by keeping your coffee down.

Unless a video of Charlie Sheen masturbating with a rubber octopus toy while looking at these pictures makes the rounds, this is the most disturbing thing I'll see all day. There's nothing more depressing than watching a broke, destitute ho tap at her chocha (while surrounded by fucking baby clothes) to feed all 14 of her kids. And you're not supposed to wash onesies on a board with your coochie out. I think I learned that rule on Pregnant in Heels or something.

But just like a lemon wedge in White Oprah's claw while she makes her morning mug of vodka, that headline is getting a twist! Porn star James Deen and future porn star Lindsay Lohan are not bumping pretties (Note: I hate when whores call them "uglies," because most genitals are prettier than most human faces! Truth according to a peen-hungry slut.) in an actual fuck film written by Bret Easton Ellis. James and Blohan are starring in a mainstream movie and this pairing makes sense, because one is known for fucking ladies on camera and the other is known for fucking the California justice system on camera. Bret Easton Ellis and Blohan also make a good pair since nobody writes messy Hollywood cokehead twats like him and she's well....you know.

Bret Easton Ellis, the author of Less Than Zero and American Psycho, has been trying to work with James Deen for a while and for obvious reasons. I mean, James Deen has 9-inch peen. What's not to love? Bret and James will finally work together in a movie the former wrote called The Canyons. After raising money on Kickstarter, The Canyons now has a start date, a director (see: Paul Schrader, the director of American Gigolo) and its cast is coming together. Once stunt car driver LiLo finishes crackifying the image of Elizabeth Taylor in that Liz & Dick train wreck, she'll start shooting The Canyons on July 9th in L.A. The Canyons will be shot digitally and will probably be released on NetFlix (I didn't make that up). The Canyons' Kickstarter page describes the movie like this and yes, it's like nothing Bret Easton Ellis has ever written before!!!!!!:

The Canyons documents five twenty-something's quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood.

LiLo as a twenty-something?! I hope they put room in the budget for tubs of lens Vaseline, the best mask makers in the business and CGI.

BEE is really excited about this shit and Tweeted about it last night:

Shooting THE CANYONS starring James Deen and Lindsay Lohan: July 9-31 in L.A. Could not have dreamed of a better cast. Lindsay nailed it...

We know Lindsay nailed it to get the part, but how was her acting during the audition or did they not even bother with that? And LiLo better sweeten up that LSD-loving Geico pig by dropping tabs into his mouth, because that's the only way she's going to get insured again. That pig will do anything for a tab.

via Coming Soon 

OctoMom has 15 mouths to feed, doesn't have a steady job, gets at least $4,000 a month in public assistance, is losing her house and owes her creditors $1 million. So in order to dig herself out of the mountain of bills that is bigger than the mountain of dirty diapers in her kitchen, she can either try to sell some of her kids to Brangelina ("This one looks really good wearing all black, Angie!") or she can declare bankruptcy and tap her octopussy on camera for a check. Octo is going with the second option. I'll wait here while you update your "Things I Don't Want To Put My Eyeballs On But Will Put My Eyeballs On Because I Like To Feel Dead Inside While Watching Porn" list.

Octo tells E! News that she's hoping to start over financially by taking a Magic Eraser to her outstanding invoices from Verizon Wireless, Orkin Pest Control (note: that joke is too easy), the DMV, a Christian school, Sparkletts, Indy Mac Mortgage and a few utility companies. Octo filed for Chapter 7 on Friday and in the documents she says that she has $50,000 in assets and $1 million worth of liabilities. Octo went on to tell E!:

"I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year and Filing Chapter 7 was one of them. But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start."

Because Octo's financial state is as broke as her sanity, she's signed up to do solo porn for an unnamed adult entertainment company. A source tells TMZ that Octo is getting more than the $10,000 she got from Closer for posing sort of topless, but who knows if she's getting close to the $1 million Vivid offered her ass a while ago. Octo has vowed a million times over that she will never go against her morals by doing porn, but she doesn't see this as porn since she's keeping her hands to herself.

My stomach just filed for Chapter 7 just thinking about Octo rubbing on her coochie tentacles. Didn't Octo say that she's celibate and hasn't hugged her clit with her fingers in years?! Not only is this video going to fuck with our faith in porn, but it's also going to be depressing, boring and uncomfortable as all hell. That mess should be marketed as an educational video on how NOT to do yourself. Watching Octo try to rub out an orgasm is probably like watching John Travolta try to figure out how cunnilingus works.

The crazy who said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, was talking about this right here.

If you put on Hazmat-made goggles and dove into my browser history, you'd find a gutter full of foolery including searches for She-Ra helicopter dildos, a few hits to GOOP (know your enemies) and at least ten millions hits to the porn site Reality Kings. Fuck star Voodoo (born name: Alex Torres), who once got in trouble for skydive fucking, is all over that site, so let's just say that if you lined up a dozen baseball bats, I could tell you which one is his dick. Seriously, you could hit a baseball with it and then use it as a pole vault to launch yourself to second base.

Because Voodoo is a porn star with a peen so large that it can tickle your tonsils and prostate at the same time, it's not surprising that hos will pay top dollar to take a ride on his King Kong thumb dick. But Voodoo entered BITCH, PLEASE territory the other day when he called into The Jim Richards Show on Toronto's Newstalk 1010 (via Radar) and insinuated that Lindsay Lohan paid for his services:

JR: Michael Lohan's coming on the show. What should I ask him?

Voodoo: Um.. Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.

JR: Are you joking?

Voodoo: I'm not joking.

JR: You have had relations with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: Um...many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come satisfy them.

JR: Are you joking?!

Voodoo: I'm not joking!

JR: So you've been with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: I'm saying that.

First of all, Michael Lohan wasn't sleeping. Somebody needed to operate the zoom lens on the camera poking out of a hole in the ceiling. Second of all, Voodoo owes White Oprah a new bottle of Grey Goose, because she just spit up the one she had for breakfast from laughing so hard at this shit. Lindsay Lohan doesn't pay for crap, especially dick! The words "Lindsay Lohan" and "paid" go together like the words "Voodoo's dick" and "Situation-sized condom" do. Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore. LiLo doesn't open up her fiery crotchcano unless you fill your hand with a dime bag, a stack of ones, tickets to a fashion show, a spread in Playboy, a cigarette butt, a half empty can of Red Bull, a 10% off coupon for sea jasper, a tube of generic Juvederm or whatever's in the change slot of a pay phone. LiLo might be a cheap whore, but she still gets paid!

Voodoo needs to bite his tongue and if he's unable to do that, his snake monster dick can do it for him, because it can reach.

Marc Jacobs' former fiance Lorenzo Martone meticulously manicured the hair scarf hugging his face the same way some of us meticulously manicure our taint bush into shapes of the season (mine's Rudolph's head poking out of a wreath), so I didn't think Marc would ever find a piece who puts hair face grooming first. I stand corrected, because the Internet is saying that Marc is spreading his nipples all over this South American piece with a world-class eyebrow situation. (Joe Jonas, take note, this is what those wolf pubes over your eyes would look like after a visit from tweezers and an ice cub.)

The hot piece hugging on Marc from the back is Brazilian porn star and (NSFW) rent boy Harry Louis and he Tweeted out the picture above along with a note about how he's in love...blah blah blah...Paris...love... blah blah blah.... etc... GPS Brasilia has been saying for a couple of weeks now that Harry is Marc's new bought-and-paid-for bitch. Harry refused to say anything about this shit (a smart hooker never tells) and Marc closed his lips to the rumor that he's pulling a Calvin Klein.

I know your ass Googles Marc Jacobs' name every night before you go to bed so you can rest with the assurance of knowing that you know everything about Marc Jacobs' personal life, but I have a good reason for posting this shit. This reason is the answer to all of your questions!

You: Michael, why are you posting this shit?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why does Marc Jacobs look like his overworked jaw is about to file a forced labor claim against his mouth?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why would Marc fly that trick to Paris and shower him with expensive gifts?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

And since you're only looking at this post, because your eyes flew to the words "FAT PEEN" like, well, like eyes to the words "FAT PEEN," (NSFW) click here to see it. Warning: If you have a prostate, looking at that double stuffed dick might put (more) bruises on it. Looking at it will also give you a lunch craving for a monster burrito with extra beans. I'll place your order now.

via Gawker