Kunty Karl

*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*

Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama's bangs.

*AND LAUNCH*

Kunty Karl's opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn's Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest's most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama's new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:

“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”

QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin' hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn't looking. She can't shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she's too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.

JLo must've been desperate for photographers to catch her having a touching and completely manufactured moment with her daughter Emme Anthony, because: a) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show in Paris? and; b) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show where backstage in the darkness lies the Death Eaters' house mother who keeps the mop of wires on his head glistening white by regularly dying it in the pure innocence of a child? JLo is so hard up for a photo-op that she doesn't care if Kunty Karl syphons the youth and innocence out of her daughter. Oh well, I'm sure Emme wasn't too scared of Kunty Karl. I mean, you get used to staring at the malnourished face of a functioning zombie when you spend every other weekend with Skeletor.

The front row at the Chanel show in Paris this morning smelled like desperation (from JLo), boredom (from Emme), soiled chonies (from Casper Smart, he still hasn't earned his PtD, potty training degree, yet), freshly polished blue steel (from Karl's 22-year-old human Baptiste Giabiconi) and fish (from Kanye). While Emme tried to keep from completely melting down into an impeccably dressed puddle of BORING, her mom's adopted boy toy Casper Smart tried to not look at the hot piece that is Baptiste Giabiconi, because he didn't want to further embarrass his sugar mami by having a cream pie moment in his panties.

And if you're thinking that Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham must be spitting jealousy over this, STOP! Harper Seven Beckham privately viewed this collection in her penthouse suite at The Ritz LAST WEEK. And Suri Cruise already gave this collection to her maid's daughter, because she owned and wore all of it weeks ago!

Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

"Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK". Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn't like her face then that means he'll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins......

"Oh, that's just Kween Karl sucking the blood from his human's penis vein" is a line Kunty Karl's neighbors use often when their friends ask what that "trout slurping up a spaghetti noodle" sound coming from the next apartment is. Karl has been slowly siphoning the youth out of 22-year-old Baptiste Giabiconi with a titanium Chanel tube for at least 2 years and I've never seen him as the sharing type. You haven't felt the burn from a fiery glare until you've sung "pass the coochie to the left hand side..." to Kunty Karl as he dabs his lips with a white lace hanky after nibbling on Baptiste's muse mussy. So that's why this story from The Sun is about as suspect as everything that comes out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth.

A source tells The Sun that while Katy Perry was in Paris for Fashion Week, she spent a little time whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Karl's muse. While Katy was still married to hobo Jesus Russell Brand, Baptiste told his friends that he'd love nothing more than to get her to divorce her husband so he could marry her. So when Katy went to the Chanel show, Baptiste saw his chance and took her to dinner. The source says that Katy and Baptiste were with friends, but they acted like they were covered in a heart-shaped bubble and weren't the least bit terrified about the possibility of an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness for eating food (gross) and for trying to steal his huMAN! The source put it like this:

"They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting."

We all know how this movie ends. Baptiste and Katy are going to marry in Romania, but after Karl starts terrorizing all of Baptiste's friends, Baptiste comes back to him and realizes they were soulmates in a past life and begs Karl to become his maker. As Karl starts to transform Baptiste into a vampire, Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread (garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire's kryptonite) at him. There's a struggle! There's lightning! There's a theme song by Annie Lennox! There's COSTUMES! COSTUMES! There's boob hair! There's blood in the form of red silk imported from a small village in China! Karl will curse Katy!

And when all is said and cursed, Karl and Baptiste will be wrapped in each other's arms while Katy looks down to find that her Chanel couture gown has become rags from a designer discount store in Jersey. Katy's skin will never feel the touch of next season couture again. This is how it's going to go, because at the end of Dracula, Keanu Reeves was totally wearing some shit from Daffy's.

So Katy better step off unless she wants to spend the rest of her life wearing ten seasons ago Ralph Lauren! Moral of the story: Don't fuck with Kunty Karl.

But before we get into Kunty Karl's sorry excuse for a sorry, let's all read his original comment so we're all clear. Metro, where Karl was guest editor that day, asked him what he thinks about Lana Del Rey. This is what Metro published:

"I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw shit balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.

Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:

“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”

Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of shit. I don't even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there's really no hope for cuntkind. I'll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.

The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro's Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he's dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele's voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro's interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:

On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: "I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: "If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell's boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men."

On M.I.A.'s middle finger: "Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it's not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what's new about that? It's just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women."

On how Michelle Obama's face is made of magic: "Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical. He would not be there without her. Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement, but she has other things to do. My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered "Why you don't like my big black ass?" I want [Barack] Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her."

On how you will never find him in a voting booth unless a virgin maiden he happened to be chasing ran in there to hide: "I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what's going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can't keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on."

So if you're walking through a dark alley in Paris late at night and you hear a German cackle rushing up behind you, you better hope that you're a fat, knocked up, Russian male bimbo whose middle finger is always erect, because Kunty Karl won't dare feed on your ass.

In an interview with Style.com, the reigning fashion lord of the House of the Death Eaters continued to make his leader Voldemort's nose slits tingle by sounding off on everything from guests at the royal wedding ("the bad proportions, the ugly hats, the short skirts on fat legs") to if he ever graces the front of a TV screen with his presence ("I like if I’m on TV; watching it is not my specialty.") But his thoughts on Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly raping a maid is what really put another layer of dark soul dust on the nails of his victims stuck up into his gums. Kunty Karl basically just waved his leather glove like, "horny old rich men will be horny old rich men who happen to rape maids."

"I love DSK. I love his wife. They are great people and when they came back to Paris I sent them flowers. But you know, for people in politics, it’s very embarrassing. On the left they had hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I think other people want his job. And on the other side…but even in America, Clinton survived his blow job.

They all do it in the political world. They get horny from politics, from power. And he had unbelievable charms. He is really charming. He’s fun, he’s great. He’s a sweet guy—as long as you’re not a woman. That’s the problem."

May the ash-covered nest of insect antennas on Kunty Karl's head never find a signal that transmits reasonable thoughts to his brain, because I love it when he doesn't make any sense and continues to spew out ridiculousness. Only Kunty Karl can compare rape to getting your dick sucked in the oval office by a willing trick. And yes, DSK is just a horny ball of charms and fun. One of the first things that maid said to the police was, "Yes, he raped me, but I couldn't help it! He was so damn charming. And since I was born with a vagina, I should've known better!"

Oh, Kunty Karl. Let me kunt the ways....

Kunty Karl gritting his grave dust teeth as he grins like he just let out his final fart (and is loving it) and Anna Wintour making a smug face like a pug in a wig smelling her secret enemy's final fart (and is loving it) could only mean one thing: they're the ones who sent Madge that hydrangea!!!!

BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEE

Death Eaters: 1
Vampires: Zeerio! (I'm trying to speak British so Madge understands me.)

For the new issue of Interview Magazine, Kunty Karl and the former editor of French Vogue Carine Roitfeld had a conversation that was so pretentiously narcissistic that they made Fishsticks Paltrow seem like a humble peasant who knows nothing of outdoor wood burning pizza ovens or rabbit fur tampons.

With their pristinely clean colons wrapped around their heads, Carine and Kunty Karl talked about being beyond rich ("You're in your jet—you don't have a grip on reality. We can lose touch with reality quite easily.) and how she was a prisoner of Vogue ( "You were literally jailed before."), but the bitch cherry on top of the bitch sundae dropped when he went on about children.

Kunty Karl told Carine that his dead insides would die again if he had to raise a daughter who had a face like his. This is the ridiculous piece of solid gold shit that twirled off of Kunty Karl's tongue when the subject of Carine's chirruns came up:

"Yes, no one can say that you don't take care of them. You're also lucky because they are very beautiful. It would have been difficult to have an ugly daughter.

If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids. But for men, I don't believe in it."

That shit confirms that vampire zombies can't see their own reflection in mirrors, because I love how Kunty Karl isn't even bringing up the fact that it would be even more difficult for his daughter. Poor little bitch would shit out her heart organ every time he woke her up in the morning. A baby's first words should not be: "DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW!!!"

At least town virgins with heads like the Willis daughters can sleep easy, because Kunty Karl will never appear in a cloud of Chanel No. 5 at the foot of their beds to siphon the youth out of them with his pursed lips. Kunty Karl only feeds on pretty souls, thankyouverymuch.

I swear, Kunty Karl is like if the spirit of Patsy Stone exorcised itself in the zombie body of Tom Hulce as Mozart. He just keeps getting better (read: cuntier) and better (read: cuntier) and I want more!

via HuffPo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

In front of the likes of Naomi Campbell, Princess Stephanie, Victoria Silvstedt and Kunty Karl, Prince Albert of Monaco married Charlene Wittstock in a religious ceremony yesterday afternoon. The rumor that Kunty Karl will turn into small pile of crushed bright white dead nightmares if he even makes half of a sashay into a church is obviously just that, because he was able to sit through the entire ceremony without God's angel army dragging him away.

The royal family obviously brought in the sexiest member of the Death Eaters to make sure that Charlene's ass didn't head for LE EXIT. There was talk that Charlene's passport was snatched away when she tried to pull some runaway bride shit by flying back to South Africa after she found out that Prince Albert has take a paternity test, because there's a good chance the bald man slut of Europe made a third love child with some Italian chick. Every time Charlene's eyes cut to the exit, Kunty Karl threatened to chew on her soul by making a sucking sound with his teeth. I guess Charlene figured that selling her soul to Monaco was better than her soul getting trapped around one of Kunty Karl's crushed bone hair follicles, because she actually married Prince Albert!

You wouldn't be lying if you said that Charlene looks like she would rather be marrying the OTHER Prince Albert. You know, the one who's a soft pierced dick. Instead of hearing the wedding march, you know Charlene heard the sounds of prisoners running tin cups along prison bars. Not since Stepford Katie....

Well, if you're going to put in shackles, it might as well be made of diamonds and shit.