LeAnn Rimes

When LeAnn Rimes isn't posing in a bikini for all the paps who answered her fame whore call, she's pushing at Brandi Glanville's buttons. During an interview with Britain's Fabulous Magazine (via Radar), they asked the luck dragon of the south what Eddie Cibrian's sons call her. You could probably feel the thick awkwardness in the room as she flared her nostrils and wondered whether she should tell the truth ("they call me Auntie Falkor") or make up a lie ("they sometimes call me mom"). LeAnn went with the latter one, because she never misses an opportunity to put a crack on Brandi Glanville's Botoxed forehead.

You’ve recently become a stepmother to Jake, five, and Mason, nine. What’s that been like?
They have been very accepting. It’s taken a while to feel like it’s not just Eddie and the two boys and then me. But I do feel that’s happening, and the love that I have for them is tremendous.

What do they call you?
Lee. Sometimes they’ll blurt out: “Mom!”, but I just go with whatever they call me. As long as it’s nice and respectful, I couldn’t care less.

Do you and Eddie want to have your own kids?
Absolutely. There’s still a lot of adjustments to make. It could be five months from now or in two years.

Eddie’s ex-wife, Brandi, has been pretty vocal about her feelings for you. What’s your relationship like now?
That’s where you write “insert face reaction here”.

Eek… That doesn’t sound good.
It’s been really difficult. You have to stand up for yourself and be your own person, but at the same time you have to protect these children and their hearts. And that’s a very tough balance.

LeAnn totally left out a few words there. What she should've said is, "Sometimes they'll blurt out: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, GO BACK TO YOUR STALL!" And when they do blurt out "mom," it's only because LeAnn gives them $20 every time they call her that and she gives them $50 if they call her that in front of their mom. The kids are saving up to buy LeAnn some pants to wear to their baseball games.

Here's LeAnn in Miami yesterday, pretending to be mad at the paps she called.

A while ago, there were rumors that the producers of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were leaving a trail of laxative pills from LeAnn Rimes' cave in Fantasia to their casting offices, because they wanted her to join the cast. LeAnn's arch rival Brandi Glanville said she thought the rumor was funny since LeAnn always shits on the Housewives and LeAnn later said it wasn't true. But just because LeAnn said "neigh" to the producers of Housewives doesn't mean that she's saying "neigh" to all reality shit shows.

Gossip Cop says that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are currently pitching their own reality show about their life together. It'll be the perfect show to watch after Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Because right after you gain 30 pounds from watching Mama June drink a gallon jug of melted butter and liquefied Peeps, you can barf it all up while watching LeAnn and Eddie act like they have the perfect life.

If I wanted to see an emaciated pony with fake tits slobber on a squinty whore of a donkey, I'd turn on Animal Planet After Dark. LeAnn's brain must've slipped out of her gaping nostrils, because putting her marriage in front of reality show cameras is the dumbest thing she's done since marrying Eddie Cibrian. Everybody knows that nothing kills a marriage faster than a reality show. This is not how it's supposed to end, anyway. LeAnn and Eddie's marriage isn't supposed to die because of a stupid reality show. It's supposed to die when she catches Eddie's side piece biting onto one of her Union Jack pillows as he hits it from the back on their Pier 1 daybed. Brandi Glanville feels so cheated, again!

Here's LeAnn hollering and yodeling at her concert in London a couple of weeks ago.

Because LeAnn Rimes thinks she's the sexy hot stepmom, she went to her stepson's baseball game yesterday dressed like a down-and-out train track whore on her day off. This outfit is a bigger mess than LeAnn's sanity. It doesn't really bother me that she wore skank shorts to a children's event, it bothers me that she wore those shorts with that sweater. Tacky!

I mean, who wears that kind of sweater with shorty shorts usually worn by a go-go boy at a goth gay club? That shit doesn't go together. Either wear that sweater with white cotton coochie cutters and high heel Chucks or wear those plastic shorts with a latex bra and a velvet choker. Poor boy had to try to hit the ball while his stepmom was sitting on the bleachers wearing the worst walk of shame outfit ever.

And did LeAnn screw with her mug again, because she's starting to look like a Dark Crystal pantyhose doll that got mangled in the wash.

LeAnn Rimes has thrown a lawsuit at her former dentist for fucking up her mouth the same way a plastic surgeon completely fucked up her face even more. TMZ says that LeAnn wants money from Dr. Duane C. McKay, because she claims that three years worth of crappy dental work left her mouth and teeth in a serious state of screwed up. In other news, human kind is filing a class action lawsuit against Dr. McKay for not wiring her mouth shut when he had the chance.

In the lawsuit, LeAnn says that Dr. McKay put some front veneers and crowns on her teeth and he said that those things would cure her TMJ-related pain and make her teeth look better. The work was jank, because apparently it didn't work. The pain got worse and she started to bleed. LeAnn claims that she needed 9 root canals, a bone grafting, a temporary bridge and physical therapy to fix her mouth. LeAnn says in the lawsuit that she will have "permanent cosmetic deficiency." Since LeAnn is in the suing mood, she should also sue her parents' genes, because she was born with a permanent cosmetic deficiency.

LeAnn doesn't say how much money she wants in damages, but she wants to get paid for the physical, emotional and psychiatric injuries she has suffered. She also wants Dr. McKay to pay for the loss of past and future earnings, because she says her bad dental work messed with her career and made it hard for her to perform.

First of all, you know this ho was only going to that crooked dentist because he kept her pill boxes full of the shit that takes her up, up and away. Who keeps going to a dentist that makes your mouth hurt? When you mess with a trick's mouth, you mess with their blow job abilities and that ain't right. Second of all, what career is LeAnn Rimes speaking of? Bitch isn't even C-list on the county fair and third-rate casinos circuit. Nowadays, ho is a professional tweeter and as far as I know you can still tweet with a jacked up mouth.

And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.

Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And  now a week before her book comes out, there's a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she's the victim of Eddie's nomad dick when she didn't exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won't see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she's been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.

A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.

Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.

Can't we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin' before, during and after their marriage. Let's assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let's also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he's married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They're both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.

Because the generic brand version of the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston feud is good for Brandi Glanville's business, she continued to kick at LeAnn Rimes' bony ass bone on Watch What Happens Live last night. The humanized Siamese Cat that is Andy Cohen brought up LeAnn Rimes' never-ending Entertainment Tonight interview, where the malnourished Falcor said that Brandi keeps trashing her on Twitter and in the press to keep Brandi's reality show career going. Brandi laughed at the interview and said that all of LeAnn's interviews are "cray-cray" and that she is "insane." I really wish we could see LeAnn's reaction to Brandi calling her a crazy bitch for the millionth time, because I really want to see her nostrils flare until her nose flaps touch her ears.

Andy also brought up a part in Brandi's book where she basically says that Eddie Cibrian is a gold digger who is using LeAnn as his "sugar mama." Brandi then figuratively grabbed LeAnn and branded the word "INSANE" into her ass before going on to say that LeAnn watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all the time. If you need to experience this highly exciting interview for yourself, watch below:

Eddie's dick-serving skills came up and Brandi said he's "a nine in the bedroom," but she would never get with that shit again, because he makes "her skin crawl."

First of all, of course Eddie is a 9. Brandi didn't have to tell me that. He's got crazy bitches fighting over him like his peen shoots out delicious horsey sauce from Arby's. Second of all, why did I ruin my lunch by picturing horse sauce shooting out of Eddie's peen and onto LeAnn's roast beef sandwich? I hate myself.

LeAnn Rimes' Entertainment Tonight interview with Nancy O'Dell is the eye roll-inducing gift that keeps on giving your eyeballs a reason to roll. LeAnn Rimes said in her ET interview that her body "wouldn't let her stop" having an affair with Eddie Cibrian. That's LeAnn trying to say "I'm suffering from stage 10 Dickmatization" in the most poetic way possible. LeAnn also said that she's not trying to get knocked up, but she still gives Eddie the coochie whenever he wants it. When Eddie wants to stick the tip in her gaping nostril before she sneezes, LeAnn flares and lets him have it. via UsWeekly:

Do Rimes and Cibrian want to have children of their own? "Yea . . . I think so," Rimes hesitantly told O'Dell. "That's kind of the talk we've had for awhile now. Who knows?"

Still, Rimes clarified, they aren't actively trying to get pregnant. "Not right now," Rimes said. "No, we're not!" Regardless, Rimes bragged to O'Dell that they have a very steamy sex life.

"Have you seen him?" she joked. "[Sex is] whatever time. Any time of the day. Whenever he wants it."

LeAnn went on to say, "Yeah, I give Eddie sex whenever he wants it. I just wish he wanted it with me some of the time." 

Your brain is probably still on the floor if you read that ESCANDALOSO expose at Deadspin about the Notre Dame football player who is either a dumb bitch for successfully getting Catfished for over a year or he's a dumb bitch for making up a dead girlfriend for maximum publicity (take note, Taylor Swift). If your brain is still on the floor, put it back in your head, because here's an equally important and fascinating (not really) quote from LeAnn Rimes about whether or not she thinks Eddie Cibrian's drifting dick will ever drift into another ho's twat.

While talking to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) about stuff, Nancy O'Dell asked her if she's ever worried about Eddie coming home with random vagina juices on his crotch. LeAnn said this:

"Everyone else would think I am a liar if I didn't say yes, and I have at times. It's definitely creeped into my mind, as it would anyone's. I think we've been very honest and open with that to each other, and our conversations about it have only made me understand how much he actually cares, as much as I do, about being faithful to each other. Where I'm at in my relationship with Eddie, that is not a worry that's in the front of my mind."

Scheana Marie, that sad pony-faced trick from Vanderpump Rules who Eddie cheated on Brandi Glanville with, claims that he cheated on her with LeAnn Rimes. So basically, Eddie Cibrian is a cheating slut who just can't stop being a cheating slut. LeAnn's ass probably knows this and she just looks the other way. When LeAnn walks in on Eddie with a mouthful of side snatch, she shrugs and then skips off to the kitchen to make herself a laxative-tini. When LeAnn kisses Eddie hello and a curly, black pube ends up in her mouth, she pulls it out, shrugs and then skips off to her laptop to tweet about how he's the great love of her life (after Twitter, of course).

I swear, sometimes good dick is a thing of evil. It blurs your vision and screws with your brain. Before Eddie came along, LeAnn didn't seem that crazy to me. But then when she got herself some good dick, her brain turned inside/out and delusion became her best friend.

That's also the face she makes when her Ex-Lax Smoothie kicks in. Can someone get LeAnn Rimes a chair, bench, curb, step, stoop, ottoman, horse statue, or patch of grass to sit down upon? This desperate bitch needs to have a seat! After scaring the stuffing out of that child that lost X-Factor (and then blaming her for it), drunk-ass laxative lady LeAnn spoke to Extra (again) about how her new ditty reluctantly references her and gigolo husband Eddie Cibrian having hurt each other in the past. "Borrowed" is about these dickheads falling in love on the set of a Lifetime movie and fucking over their spouses. A classic and dignified love story for the ages. Actually, Brandi Glanville (and LeAnn's checking account) are the only ones who got fucked over. Falcor's ex Dean Sheremet slipped into some buttless briefs and twerked it for the boys in celebration at the nearest gay bar. Shaved beard AND alimony? Werq!

US:

"I actually was scared to put him in the song, because it does talk about how we both hurt each other," she explained. "There was a moment where we did have some hurt between the two of us that we had to accept and get over and move forward."

What could the hurt between them have been? Twitter finger fatigue? STDs colliding? LeAnn got her first post-Eddie AMEX bill? Eddie confessing his revulsion over how much pooping time she puts in?

As for that song title. "Borrowed" implies that you're going to be giving it back. Considering the current situation, I wouldn't lend this bitch any books you want to see again.