Portia de Rossi

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres' 26-acre, $16 million horse ranch in Hidden Valley (and now I want some ranch dressing) will never have a drop of baby diarrhea on its floors and the maids will never have to scrub toddlers barf out of their imported French rugs, because they plan to remain child-free forever. While every trick in Hollywood is filling her uterus with a fetus, Portia tells Out Magazine she and Ellen decided a long time ago that the only thing they're going to use a turkey baster for is to suck their clits with. (Related: Why did I read this entire article on the many uses of a turkey baster?)

“There comes some pressure in your mid-30s, and you think, Am I going to have kids so I don’t miss out on something that other people really seem to love? Or is it that I really genuinely want to do this with my whole heart? I didn’t feel that my response was ‘yes’ to the latter. You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So it’s just going to be me and Ellen and no babies -- but we’re the best of friends and married life is blissful, it really is. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.”

You know, I've asked myself the same thing. In 20 years when I'm sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my 9 dogs and we're all fighting over the last turkey drumstick, am I going to wish that there was a kid across from me, telling me how much I ruined their life and that they hate me and they wish that I would choke on a jellied-slice of canned cranberry sauce? Is my black heart of bitterness going to be incomplete without that moment? Probably not, because I'll be too drunk to notice. Yes, misery loves company, but that's what Jack Daniels is for.

And that cover is giving me major "Justin Bieber does Laugh-In" vibes.

It's nice to see that the Grammys still aren't about recognizing the best talent in music (see: Carly Rae Jepsen's nomination) and still all about what's really important: TITTY BALLS! While giving us her best Priscilla Presley circa 1969 cosplay, Katy Perry also gave us chichis for days and Ellen Degeneres just couldn't help getting all up in there with her eyeballs as a butchified Portia de Rossi laughed next to her. If you stare at that picture long enough, you can almost see Ellen's eyeballs pop out of their sockets like a cartoon cat. Ellen is either motorboating with her eyes or she can't believe that certified douche bag John Mayer, who was wearing one of Willy Wonka's old suits, gets suffocate himself in Katy Perry's magnificent chichis every single night.

And yeah, when Ellen Degeneres humps Katy's titties with her eyes, everybody laughs and calls her a comedic genius. But if a straight dude did it, he'd get a punch to the eye and a restraining order. So if you see Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson trolling around with a tiny blond wig on their heads, a fitted blazer on their bodies and a Home Depot card stuck in their pockets, you know what they're up to.

Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles "get a room" into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren't bothering me. They're even kind of...romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.

After the "I hate your ass" pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it's nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I'm off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.

Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it's FACT) says that because of Ellen's career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they're not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.

The complete mind fuck that is the American Horror Story-like makeover of The Munsters called Mockingbird Lane continues to fuck minds with the casting of Lily Munster. Bryan Singer and Bryan Fuller, who are responsible for the reboot, should've cast Colleen Williams or Joe Perry as Lily since they both already have the hair for it, but they cast Mandy Rogers (glamorized stage name: Portia De Rossi)  instead.

Deadline says that Portia got the role after ABC Studios refused to let Lorena from True Blood out of her contract with that Devious Maids mess, which might be headed for Lifetime. Yeah, so Lorena from True Blood is totally farting in somebody's coffee mug today. Portia will put on a luscious skunk wig to play Lily alongside Jerry O'Connell as Herman, Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and Mason Cook as Eddie. The pilot for NBC apparently started shooting yesterday.

Just like the time my friend put a white trash daiquiri (an orange Icee and Bacardi) in front of me, Mockingbird Lane sort of weirds me out but I could get into it. Well, if anything at least I get to see Portia dragged up as a goth chola who listens to way too much Morrissey.

Here's Ellen DeGeneres and Portia looking like the first place and runner-up of a David Spade look-alike contest while walking around in L.A. the other day.

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

Portia de Rossi (aka forever Mandy Rogers of Horsham to me) must be seriously in love, OR SOMETHING, with Ellen Degeneres, because how did she let her leave the 5-star hotel looking like Larry David starring in a remake of Cocoon in the Wilford Brimley role? If you really love someone, you'd gently pull that hat off their head and slap their face with it before sticking that entire outfit in the in-sink-erator.

Here's more of Portia and Ellen doing rich people stuff in St. Barts over the weekend. Ugh. I'm surprised Ellen didn't go FULL FUG by carrying a dark-sided CROCS tote.

Portia Lee James de Rossi DeGeneres (that sounds like I'm ordering a light wine and a frozen pizza) has made the host of Australia's Sunrise show David Koch scream "SEXISM! SEXISM! SEXISM!" after she told producers that she would rather talk to his female co-host about her new book than him. WILL SOMEBODY THINK OF THE RICH WHITE MEN?!!!

In Portia's book, she writes about her battle with anorexia and how she came to terms with the fact that loving labia is in her nature, so maybe this is why she prefers to talk to the ladies. Portia also refused to talk to Fox FM's Hamish Blake and Andy Lee, but it's David Kroch that is throwing up his arms about her NO PEEN policy.

David Kooch tells The Herald Sun (via News.com.au) that in his 8 years of talking to people on TV, he has never once been turned down for an interview because he's a dude. David Kock went on to explain how he feels,"If a male said I don't want to be interviewed by a woman, there would be a massive outcry of discrimination. Obviously she has got issues and I feel quite sorry for her...I admire what she and Ellen have done for community tolerance and inclusiveness. But it is a real contradiction for what she stands for, which really surprises me. Maybe she is uncomfortable with men, but she plays opposite male leads."

Or maybe Portia is so afraid that locking eyes with David via satellite will awaken animalistic desires in her loins. But seriously, coming from someone who was raised by women only, it might be hard for me to talk about important things in my life (examples: peen, dick, wang, dong, schlong, etc....) to a straight dude. Wait. What am I going on about?! I'm lying. I could have a deep conversation about dick with a subway pole. Why do you think they don't let me go down there anymore?

Portia de Rossi was brought into this world as Amanda Lee Rogers, but she legally glamourized her name when she was 15 and now she's switching that shit up again. TMZ reports that Portia wants to be known as Portia Lee James DeGeneres from now on and is asking the court to grant this. Portia and Ellen DeGeneres got married two years ago.

I know that Portia is changing her name for love, but I still don't understand! Why would you ever want to be known as something other than Portia de Rossi?! Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of a split bottle of wine you might find in a mini-fridge at a Radisson. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of an Italian contessa who has come to Falcon Crest to seek revenge on Melissa Agretti. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of the body wash your grandma gave you for Christmas.

Portia de Rossi is the best made up name ever! Can't Ellen change her name to Ellen de Rossi instead?