Courtney Love

via Jezebel

At last night's 12-12-12 benefit show for Hurricane Sandy relief, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, a crushed velvet shirt and Pat Smear reunited to play a new song with Paul McCartney. I know, tacky whores. Instead of getting Paul McCartney, they should've used a Kurt Cobain hologram. Sadly, they didn't play "Rape Me" and dedicate it to Heather Mills and her lawyers. They sang a new song called "Cut Me Some Slack." Cut some slack is not something that Courtney Love's crazy ass is interested in doing.

TMZ says that Courtney Love took a break from making antique wedding dresses out of used crack foil and opened her yap hole to spill out a stream of hate over Paul McCartney singing with the surviving members of Nirvana. Since the inside of Courtney Love's head is an empty playground of delusion, she thinks she's the voice of Nirvana and wasn't amused that Paul was singing with them. Courtney doesn't like that Dave called it a "Nirvana reunion," because Kurt was the beating heart of the band and without him, Nirvana can never exist again. Courtney didn't like that the idea of Paul singing with Nirvana and thinks John Lennon would've been better.

I'm actually shocked that Courtney Love didn't break into Yoko Ono's apartment, steal John Lennon's ashes (that's if Yoko didn't turned Lennon's ashes into a diamond charm for her labia ring) and then rush the stage at the 12-12-12 concert to spread 'em while Nirvana and Paul McCartney played. That would've been more entertaining than that "Cut Me Some Slack" song. But I am here for that crushed velvet shirt.

Here's a few pictures of the tricks and tramps who overdressed (see: Blake NotSoLively and Katie Holmes) to pose at the 12-12-12 concert in NYC last night. In order: Blake, Chelsea Clinton, Cristal Connors, Jeremy Piven, the robot formerly known as Stepford Katie, Susan Sarandon and Tony Danza.

If you only focused on the lyrics "tar pit trap," "meat-eating orchids," and "umbilical noose" in Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box, you'd totally know that Kurt Cobain wrote that song about Courtney Love's pussy. Well, just in case Lana Del Rey doesn't know that Courtney's punane was the inspiration for "Heart-Shaped Box," Courtney let her know over and over and over and over again on Twitter. Llama Del Taco yawned out HSB during a show in Sydney and the cover somehow made its way into Courtney's ears. Courtney immediately poked at Lana on Twitter (via ONTD) and kept going on about how her dumpster-shaped death hole is a muse. Every time Courtney openly talks about her vagina, a peen gets cancer, turns black and falls off before it can be eaten.

While performing that song, Lana sounds like she's dying a slow, painful death, so she was definitely thinking of Courtney Love's vagina while singing it.

But really, while singing HSB, Lana sounds like a dozen tortured souls screaming for mercy from a bottomless pit in the afterworld and that's exactly the same sound that comes out of Courtney's cooch when she queefs. So Lana's cover was a beautiful and fitting tribute to Courtney's tar pit trap pussy.

Courtney Love talked to Grub Street about food (yeah, I don't know either) and said that chocolate is too average for her and she's traded mainlining heroin for mainlining sugar at 4 in the morning. Courtney also dropped a dingle that you can slip right into the "That's Our GOOP!" file. Courtney is trying to get back into acting and when she told her friend Fishsticks Paltrow this, she was met with a judgmental look down and some advice wrapped in organic bitchiness:

Sometimes I forget to eat. Right now I'm 125 pounds and five foot, eleven inches, but my "rock weight" was 160. I think I'm a sexy beast at 160, but Gwyneth is the one who told me that if you want to act, and I do want to get back to acting, "You are your own advertisement."

Oh, and the funny thing is Courtney lost some chunk on a fish sticks and lemon water diet.

I once lost a ton of weight from a fish-sticks-and-lemon-water diet. That's how I started my own band; I had to lose all that weight first, apparently. Anyway, I love lemon water; it's the key to life.

I'm pretty sure "fish sticks" and "lemon water" is code for breaded heroin needles and meth pipe water. My idea of a Fishsticks diet is reading GOOP until I barf up everything but my stomach lining.

Fishy is right about the "own advertisement" thing. I mean, she's obviously a walking advertisement for pretentious cunts and she does it so well. But Fishy needs to stop trying to change Courtney. Courtney is a stumbling advertisement for sloppy, crazy, delusional messes and if she changed herself who will sloppy, crazy, delusional messes look up to? Don't make them look up to White Oprah. That's just cruel...even for Fishsticks.

Here's Fishy looking like Judy Jetson as a slutty nurse at the Met Ball last night. That weeping side-tit tells me she's advertising bras or Cisco Adler's saggy nutacks. Unfortunately, Courtney didn't show up to the Met Ball last night, because she got into a fight with her dress on Twitter. No, Court's dress isn't on Twitter, but don't tell her that. But Court was there in cracked out spirit thanks to Cocoa Rocha (who did not do Elizabeth Taylor's old suit justice) and Chloe Sevigny.

Since Frances Bean's iPhone has a Crazy Ass Bitch Blocker App and redirects all calls from Courtney Love to the nearest lunatic asylum, Courtney has to use Twitter to throw a sowwy at her own "biological" (copyright: Frances Bean Cobain) daughter. Courtney started this mess last week when she brain queefed up the gross rumor that Dave Grohl took his obsession with Kurt Cobain to SUCIO levels by screwing on Frances Bean. Frances Bean calmly responded by saying that somebody really needs to strap straitjacket gloves on Courtney's hands and keep her away from Twitter. Well, Frances' calm smack down must have temporarily knocked the crazy out of Courtney, because she went on her other Twitter account yesterday to apologize:

Bean, sorry I believed the gossip.. Mommy loves you

— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) April 14, 2012

Mark yesterday as the first day in modern history that the bat litter box called Courtney's head actually had a moment of clarity. I'd like to think that this will teach Courtney to never believe one of the voices in her head after she snorts a crushed homemade Adderall pill she made using a Lohan family recipe, but it won't. Stay tuned for more fuckery from this crazy bitch.

via People

One time I was on the G train (short for the Godthistrainisnevercominganditwouldvebeenfastertogetarideonaparaplegicdonkey train) in Brooklyn and some crazy subway prophet kept ranting at the mouth about how all of our sinful souls will one day rot under Lucifer's foreskin. You know, the typical feel-good morning sermon you usually hear from crazies on the subway. In between him calling us heathen pieces of peen cheese, he incoherently sang some song and doing this made him sound like he was speaking pig latin in tongues. So basically, he sounded like Nicki Minaj. This mess went on for way too long. Sometimes, a subway rider can't control their nerves anymore and will shout at the crazy to shut their verbal diarrhea hole. That's never a good move, because fighting crazy with crazy makes the crazy crazier. That didn't happen, but something bizarre did happen. A woman wearing a sensible business suit got up, walked over to the subway prophet, put her hand on his shoulder and told him he can stop now, because we've all heard his message. It didn't work and he kept spewing the shit, but I slow clapped her on the inside for handling that shit in a classy way. Well, Frances Bean is that woman in a sensible business suit, because last night she calmly told Courtney Love to shut the fuck up.

Courtney Love went too far, even for Courtney Love, in one of her late-night Twitter rantings when she accused Dave Grohl of trying to sex on Kurt Cobain through Frances Bean's coochie. Dave Grohl already denied that mess, and last night Frances Bean released a statement where she said that Twitter needs to close and lock their doors to crazy ass Courtney:

"While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy.

Twitter should ban my mother."

"Biological mother." HA. If Courtney Love had any feeling left in her sedated face, she would've felt that swift and quick slap. But like the sensible business woman on the train, Frances Bean's reasonable statement is going to shut Courtney up. When the Twitter train pulls into the next stop, Courtney will get on and start rambling about how Dave Grohl's dick is a pendulum that is hypnotizing Frances Bean into hating her. #staybatshitcrazycourt

via People

When you mix Twitter, no shame and Xanax powder cut with roach poison, you get the mess of words that Courtney Love spewed onto the Internet last night. Courtney and Dave Grohl have been scrappin' ever since Kurt Cobain died and she's long accused him of stealing her money, and last night she accused him of trying to hump on 19-year-old Frances Bean. Just when you think Courtney can't possibly out-crazy herself, the crazy bitch does it and then some. Do they make straitjacket covers for laptops, because if they do, Courtney's laptop needs one.

Tweeting under the name @Cbabymichelle, Courtney told her followers that she heard from a driver who drove Frances Bean and Dave Grohl to his house that he was all over her in the back of the car. Courtney then goes on and on and on, and reading her Tweets is like watching a hamster on meth repeatedly vomit while running on the wheel. Courtney protected her account, but Gawker got screen shots of the crazy and put it all in order so your brain doesn't completely melt while trying to make sense of this foolery:

Reliable source? Bitch, I'd hardly call the visions you see after smoking an Adderall pill out of your old crack pipe a "reliable source." Court is not only saying that Dave Grohl committed a WRONG by hitting on Kurt's daughter, but she's also saying that Dave is sexually obsessed with Kurt? Like since Dave Grohl can't rub his wet nipples all over Kurt, he's going to rub them all over Kurt's daughter? I throw myself onto Court's crazy train every time it pulls into my station, but bitch is going too far now. Especially when she said that Dave Grohl rode Kurt's coattails, when this insane ho burned her heels off from riding Kurt's coattails waterski-style.

The best part is that the @davegrohl Courtney kept Tweeting is some Germany student. The second best part is that Courtney didn't even know she set herself up when she Tweeted: "him i am about to shoot, dead." That'll bring her Nirvana victim count to a grand total of two.

Stop me if you've heard this before, crazy bitch of all crazy bitches Courtney Love is freaking out over absolutely nothing again. The Muppets do a cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in their newest movie and they paid for that shit as well as getting permission from Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic. But the flaming hobo trash can in Courtney's head has sparked out the idea that The Muppets have "raped" the memory of Kurt Cobain by bastardizing one of his songs without getting her permission. Looks like Courtney is doing big things with that certificate she got from Kim Novak's Night School of Overreacting.

TMZ says that smoking wallpaper glue out of an incense holder must have burned the memory box in Courtney's brain, because she gave a music company called Primary Wave the exclusive rights to distribute all of Nirvana's catalog. The producers of The Muppets paid Primary Wave who dropped a percentage into Courtney and Frances Bean's hands.

Beaker is a meth head who desperately needs some Frizze Ease in his life, but a rapist he is not. Courtney better watch it. The Muppets are highly trained detectives and I doubt she wants them sniffing into the mysterious death of Kurt Cobain. If Courtney truly cares about crimes against Nirvanity, she'd watch last night's The Voice. Two "hyena in heat" impersonators dragged "Heart-Shaped Box" out into the alley and slowly strangled the life out of it with the ropes of shit that came out of their mouths. Call the WAHMBULANCE on that, Court!

The Fix's Maer Roshan spent months inside of Courtney Love's head poking at the malnourished rats, putting out the trash can hobo fires and trying to make sense of the scribbled thoughts that her brain spits out. Maerwrote an article last May about his time with Courtney, but there were so many strands of fuckery that didn't make the article so he used them in a new e-book on her. Even though Courtney threatened to ruin his ass, Maer still went through his old notes, interviewed people in her life and read legal documents to put the book together. There's some priceless pieces of it on The Fix, but one of my favorite is a quote from Courtney where she says crack transformed her brain into that of a calculus genius:

“The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.” 


This ho is crazy, but what I want to know is, when does Courtney Love ever come in contact with calculus. Like did she have calculus books laying around? You know how Snapple has facts written on their caps? Does a bag of crack rocks come with a mathematical problem? I can just picture Courtney scribbling all sorts of shit on the wall like numbers, shapes, Looney Tunes characters, the middle names of her enemies and thinking to herself that she's really making calculus her bitch when she's actually just drawing a bunch of gibberish. Calculus? More like Crackulus. Courtney is like the crackhead Good Will Hunting and I really hope Matt Damon plays her in the movie.

With all that being said, I still wish Courtney was the Secretary of Education when I was in school, because then smoking crack would've been part of our daily math curriculum! I still would've failed math, but at least I could've been fucked up on crack while doing so.

via HuffPo

Everyone who was backstage at the Coldplay concert in Abu Dhabi on New Year's Eve found out the painful way what it's like to witness a conversation between a tequila worm on meth and a pinched anus when Fishsticks Paltrow dropped some GOOP into Courtney Love's ear. I don't know why Courtney was in Abu Dhabi (Trying to sell herself at clearance prices to a sheik"), but she was there and somehow got backstage at the Coldplay show. Courtney's cheek found its way to GOOPY's cheek and as her system tried to fight off the "pretentious cunt" syndrome seeping into her face pores, she posted this on her Twitter:

Courtney Courtney Love Cobain
getting the best advise for the new years from a true friend, love you @GwynethPaltrow @Goop
31 Dec

What kind of advice could GOOPY give Courtney? Gently roll all your crack rocks in crushed lemon seeds before you smoke them? If you're going to write a threatening letter to your estranged daughter, do it on persimmon-scented papier from GOOPY's favorite stationary store located in the attic of a diamond museum on the outskirts of Paris.

And by the looks of that picture, the wrong ho is the one giving the advice. One of them looks like she only survives on eating nicotine patches and hasn't slept in weeks because the voices of her enemies keep her up at night. And I'm not talking about Courtney, for a change.

I mean, Fishsticks looks like hell. She looks like Kurt Cobain TODAY, which is probably why Courtney wanted a picture with her in the first place.