Dumbasses

Let's all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men's Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he's a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

"Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn't have done Ferris Bueller's Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it's part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he'd be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors."

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart's head on Vin Diesel's body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It's Hollywood. It's the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, "It's make believe!"

And here's the dude we'll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky's coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn't cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

"I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, 'Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.' It's so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them."

("Now you know how we feel, bitch!" said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky's crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn't know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, "Yeah, bitch."

Maybe it's because I'm nostalgic or because I've been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we've all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here's Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy's creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you're like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.

InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim's followers told her that Kanye's apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo's apartments, which totally means that they're doing it. InTouch's source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.

“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.

Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life."

Can I get a "BITCH, PLEASE"? If Kim hasn't been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn't care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.

I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of "recluse" is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a "recluse" is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK's Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish's sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can't say the word "recluse" without saying "wreck" and "loose," so the heffa might have a point.

"I'm definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven't necessarily decided to hold myself back, it's just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.

There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn't know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn't know "respect" or "privacy" if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West's contract is coming to an end soon.

"We live different lives, but I love being open. That's who I've always been. That will never change because that is who I am."

Yes, Kim, we've seen you be all open around Ray-J's crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he'll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It'll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.

And here's Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.

Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, "I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end."

But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has no friends and has a sad a lot of the time:

"I have no relationships and I'm, like, sad sometimes. So taking all this into consideration, which some find it hard to, that's what brought me here today. I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me."

Thinking is hard, right, Farrah? I've seen Farrah's porn and the extras (I clearly don't have a life/hate myself) and while I agree with her that butt sex before a jizz facial is Mother Nature's Prozac, there's nothing happy about that video. James Deen's peen is al dente most of the time and he looks like he'd rather be mouth fucking an alligator. Getting butt boned by a dude who clearly hates you is totally chicken soup for the soul. (Read that as "chicken soup for the hole" if you need the perfect lunch time image.)

Feya Abraham goes on to yank dicks by saying that she hired a professional porn star, because she felt he wouldn't blab about it and her private sex tape would stay private. But then she says that James Deen started running his mouth, so she had no choice but to shop the tape to porn companies. Again, thinking isn't Farrah's strongest skill:

"I was under the belief this would help better protect me and my privacy. So I was like, 'If this guy's so professional and everything's going to be fine,' then I was like, 'I'm happy with this choice.' [But Deen] made it like his own thing and that's why I was like, 'You know what, let me be one step ahead and let me gain control of my own video again.' That's why I was meeting with different adult entertainment companies."

Farrah said that she's already put some of the money (more than six figures, she claims) away for her daughter's education and she's going to use the rest of the money to open "her restaurants." But she didn't want to get into her finances, because she's "private like that."

Yes, Farrah continues to think we're all as dumb in the brains as she is and don't know how porn works. But I will say that while watching eight fingers pull the missing sock I've been looking for out of her steak burrito cooch, I did think to myself, "She's got some talent!"

via Zap2It

Seen above making a subtle "Why am I posing in a sexy photo shoot with this bitch? Why do I keep taking this bitch back? Why me?" face, Shawn Holley took Lindsay Lohan back as a client yesterday after the freckled tornado begged her to. LiLo is now enemy #1 of The Little People Legal League, because she apparently told Lawyer Man Willow to get out of her life and go back to the forest from which he came from. LiLo fired Mark Heller and got Shawn Holley to take her back.

Radar says after LiLo quit rehab after being there for 2 minutes, prosecutors were planning to ask for an arrest warrant if she didn't check back in before midnight. LiLo went on the run and I figured she was just headed to Mexico to live out her destiny by becoming the day-shift mistress to a drug lord. But no, LiLo spent her day calling Shawn Holley to beg her old lawyer to take her back. Shawn Holley took LiLo back and immediately started negotiating with prosecutors. TMZ says that it was Mark Heller's idea for LiLo to go to Morningside Recovery and she didn't want to do it. When LiLo heard that Morningside Recovery didn't have a license to treat, she refused to stay there.

At the last minute, Shawn Holley got the prosecutors to let LiLo check into the Betty Ford Center instead. LiLo checked in right before midnight and the prosecutors dropped their plans to ask for an arrest warrant. LiLo has been in Betty Ford before, but she left after she got drunk and got into a fight with a staff member who later sued her ass. And now she's back!

The judge still has to sign off on Betty Ford, but since he'd sign off on LiLo rehabbing in a bar, I'm sure he'll sign off on Betty Ford. So....let's recap this entire mess:

LiLo was supposed to check into the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she checks into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach instead..... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo was supposed to be in rehab yesterday, she bails on that bitch.... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo begs Shawn Holley to be her lawyer again in exchange for at least 3 mentions in TMZ daily and a year supply of blowjobs for Shawn's entire family..... and Shawn takes her back.

LiLo beat a bitch's ass ain Betty Ford.... and Betty Ford takes her back.

We already know that LiLo is a demon wrapped in pork leather, but when are we going to find out that she has the power to wish her enemies into Hell (aka White Oprah's bedroom) when they don't do what she wants, because it's obvious that everyone is scared of her ass.

(Pic via THR)

Just when you think that Lindsay Lohan has scraped the bottom of the barrel of dumb so much that all that's left is a splinter of wood, she finds a way to scrape some more.

The judge should know to never ever trust a gnome with a law degree, because they are shifty shits and will lie to you with a twinkle in their eyes. That's exactly what LiLo's lawyer Mark Heller did in court this morning. He told the judge that LiLo was "ensconced in the bosom of" rehab this morning when she was really buying crap at Fry's in Fountain Valley, CA. The NYDN says that LiLo eventually made it to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, but two minutes after she walked through the door, she walked back through it and left. Don't strain any of your face muscles on this mess today. Just let my cousin in the background frown for all of us.

According to the NYDN, LiLo showed up to Morningside at around noon, spent a couple of minutes there, got spooked by the paparazzi (uh huh) and then jumped back into her SUV. Someone heard LiLo saying, "I'm not going to rehab.... I'm not going to rehab... Take me back to the airport." Some source said that LiLo was headed back to LAX to get on a plane to NYC. The Santa Monica City Attorney Terry White said that if it's true and she is getting on a plane, then a warrant will be issued and she'll be arrested when she lands in New York.

Radar must've sent an alert to Michael Lohan's pager (he is so the type that still carries a pager) and he stopped kicking vaginas for a second to pipe in about this. Michael tells Radar that it's true that LiLo is on the run.

Last night, I thought I was really not giving a shit when I ate a cold piece of Popeye's chicken in the tub. But I should remind myself that nobody doesn't give a shit more than this bitch doesn't give a shit. LiLo should make her way to New York, car jack a blue Thunderbird convertible, pick up Amanda Bynes and head for Mexico like a cracked out version of Thelma & Louise.

And on a positive note, I do like the condom hoodie LieLow's wearing in that picture. The Health Department probably made her wear it.

The prosecutors in Santa Monica and L.A. both agreed to let Lindsay Lohan serve her 90-day sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons and on Tuesday night she was putting together 270 looks for rehab (because life's most important catwalk is the hallway in rehab that leads from your room to your therapist's office, obviously). But because Lindsay Lohan has to be a rusty nail shoved into everyone's urethra at all times, she changed rehab places at the last minute. TMZ reported yesterday that Seafield wouldn't let LiLo smoke, so she was thinking about going to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA, because they allow cigs. And that's exactly what she did.

Even though the prosecutors never approved Morningside Recovery, she went anyway. LiLo missed her first flight from NYC to L.A., so she got one of her friends (read: one of her sugar daddies) to lend her their private jets. LiLo checked into Morningside this morning and her Chaka from Land of the Lost-looking ass lawyer Mark Heller was in front of a judge today to get the place approved.

Mark Heller continued to be the gift that keeps on farting by using priceless lines like, "She is ensconced in the bosom of that facility right now." While he was doing that, the prosecutors told the judge that they first heard about LiLo going to Morningside from the media and Mark Heller never called to tell them about it. Morningside was never on the approval list and the prosecutors have problems with the place. The judge could've thrown LiLo in jail for violating the agreement, but doing that would've went against the first rule of the California Justice System (never punish Lindsay Lohan), so he's letting her stay at Morningside until the prosecutors investigate the place. The prosecutors have until next Friday to determine if they're okay with LiLo serving her sentence at Morningside or not.

TMZ helped prosecutors with their investigation by finding out that Morningside is basically a sober hotel. Morningside's license to treat was revoked, because they were  "careless" with giving out prescriptions for drugs. Morningside can't give treatment right now and the only thing they can do is provide a "sober living environment." 

Like any of that shit really matters. Next Friday, Mark Heller will skip into court on his tiny feet and tell the judge that Lindsay Lohan checked out of Morningside and checked into the Chateau Marmont instead. Yes, the Chateau Marmont is the opposite of a rehab facility and they probably have an in-house coke dealer, but the sheets at Morningside were so itchy and were scratching LiLo's skin. And the dumb bitch staffers at Morningside wouldn't let LiLo drink a bottle of vodka with dinner. MONSTERS! The judge will shake his head and tell Mark Heller that the court will send an 8-ball and a case of vodka to LiLo's room as a thank you for being so accommodating throughout all this. It's the least they can do! That's totally what's going to happen.

Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin's hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!

If you're one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here's President Obama's act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard's bangs and Tracy Morgan.

Here's Conan's act and if you ain't got time for it, his best line was, "President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen."

I don't know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn't invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.