Dumbasses

American Idol put the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of Happy Sunshine Hello Kitties on its judges' panel this season, because they thought that she'd bring millions of eyeballs to their show and they'd be #1 again. The opposite happened. After the season premiere, the ratings started sagging lower than the extra-meaty fur dumplings on Simon Cowell's chest and it's making the producers and FOX freak out.

The Hollywood Reporter says that a few weeks ago, producers tried to shake things up by pushing Mimi out to bring JLo back. When Mimi found out about their scheme, her team of lawyers threatened to sue them and Ryan Seacrest started to cry thinking that his anal bleaching budget would be cut, so the producers backed off. They decided that once the season ends, they'll replace Mimi, Nicki Minaj and possibly Randy Jackson and Keith Urban.

The producers thought that putting Mimi and Nicki at the same table would make the show's ratings touch the rainbows, because who doesn't love watching a shade-throwing fight between two Garanimals on acid? But a source says that viewers hate Mimi and Nicki's dynamic and "the core viewer is a midwestern, Southern, older woman who is threatened by Nicki’s aggressiveness."

FOX denied all of this and Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe told THR that he knows nothing of this.

I stopped regularly watching Idol after they dropped Paula Abdul, because it just wasn't the same without that human Vicodin pill of a mess. It's like showing up to a family gathering and finding out that your drunk auntie isn't there. You sit there, eating cold chicken and overcooked rice with soggy carrots in it, but you just can't have a good time without your drunk auntie falling into potted plants and calling you by your sister's name.

After Paula left, Idol became all about the judges. I couldn't even tell you the first names of the past 5 white dudes who won. Idol should just drop the singing part, reboot that mess and call it The Search For The Next American Idol Judge, because the behind-the-scenes crap sounds way more exciting than anything that happens on that stage.

I don't know who's going to need more therapy: me for looking at a picture of a monkey humping a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad or that monkey when he realizes that he once humped a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad. Definitely the monkey. Spending that much time with Justin Bieber really messes you up and leads you to some dark, scary places. You can see the trauma in the poor monkey's eyes.

Last month, Justin Bieber's dumb ass brought his living and breathing toy, Mally the monkey, into Germany without the proper documents. Officials put Mally into quarantine and told Justin that they wouldn't release his monkey unless he gave them the right papers. Justin shrugged, crawled out of Germany without Mally and told authorities he'd be back. The Biebs lied. HuffPo UK says that Justin's people have told German authorities that he's not coming back for Mally so they should just find the monkey a home. Karl Heinz Joachim, the head of the center where Mally is staying, said:

"There are a great many suitable places that have offered to take Mally and integrate him with their own capuchin monkeys where he would be much more happy with his own kind.

A baby monkey was never going to be suited to be on a world tour even if he is travelling by private jet. He should be out in the wild climbing trees and learning from other monkeys if he isn’t to have serious psychological problems later in life.”

Serious psychological problems LATER in life? Has Mr. Joachim seen the picture above? Poor Mally is suffering from serious psychological problems NOW. But this is the best thing for Mally. If Justin raised Mally, that monkey would develop a serious coke addition to deal with having Justin Bieber as a mommy and then he'd eventually have to share a room with Lindsay Lohan in rehab. That ain't the life.

And we should probably consider putting Justin Bieber into quarantine before somebody makes the mistake of spilling water on him and he multiplies into a dozen spoiled brats who abandon their pet monkeys in Germany.

This might come as a shock to you, but the dim dumb douche who got trolled hard by Amber Rose Tamblyn said some stupid shit in an interview the other day. Steam shower scientist Tyrese told AllHipHop.com (via HuffPo) that fat people are nasty and nasty fat people take hot showers so their bathroom mirrors will get steamed up and they don't have to look at their fat nasty bodies.

AHH: What kind of responsibility do you feel as an entertainer, you have to inspire people to live healthier lifestyles?

Tyrese: No two situations are the same. If you are fat and nasty and you don’t like the way you look, do something about it. It’s simple.

When you take a shower and you put your fat, nasty body in the shower and by the time you get out, the mirrors are all steamed up so you don’t look at what you did to yourself. That may sound offensive or insensitive but ultimately, you are big as hell because you have earned that shit. You worked your ass off to eat everything in sight to get big as hell.

If you got a problem with the way you look, then you need to do something about it. Excuses sound best to the people that’s making them up.

This isn't the first time Tyrese has called steam out for being a fat-shaming vapor. In 2009, he told Men's Health that he's thankful to steam, because it hid his fat body from him when he gained 50 pounds.

"How lucky is it that mirrors steam up after a hot shower? I didn't have to look at what I'd done to myself."

Steam: so THAT'S how it works. Tyrese just blew some scientific minds, because we now know why steam exists. Steam solely exists to cover up mirrors so we don't have to look at our fat guts. The more we know.

Speaking of blown minds, you better put on your rain gear if you're standing next to Tyrese, because if he has a mind, I'm about to blow it. If fat people smear a little shampoo on the mirror before a hot shower, they'll be able to see their bodies afterward. I know, I think I just broke Tyrese.

Jeremy Irons made it really difficult for me to twist my nipples while watching him in Brideshead Revisited when he said in a chat with HuffPost Live that he's worried that same-sex marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons to get out of paying estate taxes. Those words made White Oprah curse Jeremy Irons' name, because she was planning to marry Lindsay Lohan for that reason alone and he uncovered her scheme!

Jeremy said that he feels like same-sex marriage could "debase" the meaning of marriage and could lead to Kay Jewelers putting out a line of father/son wedding rings. "A kiss begins with INCEST!" But Jeremy says that he isn't anti-gay and he was just brain farting up a thought during a discussion about same-sex marriage. Jeremy posted an open letter onto his website and tried to clear some shit up.

I am deeply concerned that from my on line discussion with the Huffington Post, it has been understood that I hold a position that is anti gay. This is as far from the truth of me as to say that I believe the earth is flat.

I was taking part in a short discussion around the practical meaning of Marriage, and how that institution might be altered by it becoming available to same-sex partners. Perhaps rather too flippantly I flew the kite of an example of the legal quagmire that might occur if same sex marriage entered the statute books, by raising the possibility of future marriage between same sex family members for tax reasons, (incest being illegal primarily in order to prevent inbreeding, and therefore an irrelevance in non reproductive relationships). Clearly this was a mischievous argument, but nonetheless valid.

I am clearly aware that many gay relationships are more long term, responsible and even healthier in their role of raising children, than their hetero equivalents, and that love often creates the desire to mark itself in a formal way, as Marriage would do. Clearly society should find a way of doing this. I had hoped that even on such a subject as this, where passions run high, the internet was a forum where ideas could be freely discussed without descending into name-calling.

I believe that is what it could be, but it depends on all of us behaving, even behind our aliases, in a humane, intelligent and open way.

"The internet was a forum where ideas could be freely discussed without descending into name-calling...." The fuck kind of internet has he been going on? Calling a trick a name on the internet is like breathing in oxygen in real life.

Jeremy Irons shouldn't have wasted his time typing out a response when he could've been using his time to propose to his son (who looks like this. Yeah, I'd gay marry him all the way.) Jeremy should've just let Stephen Colbert respond for him officially, because Stephen Colbert put it best:

Lindsay Lohan was so close to pulling her greatest con yet and TMZ and that spotlight-humping whore Dr. Drew had to ruin it all! The Santa Monica City Attorney agreed to let LiLo serve 90 days in a lockdown rehab facility in New York instead of going to jail. The judge signed off on it and LiLo's itty bitty lawyer Mark Heller said that there was a lockdown rehab facility in NYC. Since Googling "Does lockdown rehab exist?" is hard, none of the prosecutors checked to see if the littlest lawyer was telling the truth. But TMZ checked and they found out that lockdown rehab is a fairytale place that only exists in the mind of Mark Heller. No such things exists.

They checked and couldn't find one private rehab joint in the entire country that locks the doors and forces their patients to stay there. The only lockdown rehab facility in NY they did find is connected to a prison and you need a felony record to get. Surprisingly, LiLo doesn't have a felony record. TMZ asked Dr. Drew about the myth that is lockdown rehab and he said, "There is no rehab that will hold you against your will, unless they feel the person is a suicide risk, and in that case they can hold the individual for 72 hours."

So now the prosecutors are at their desks Googling "Does lockdown rehab exist?" Apparently, they're trying to figure out what to do now that they've been duped and they might just throw her in jail.

Dammit all! LiLo was probably going to check into a spa resort that holds AA meetings/mocktail classes in their bar every other week (that practically counts as rehab) and then she was going to stuff her bed with pillows and strands of dried orange seaweed. Every time the prosecutors called to make sure she's there, the maid would peek into her room, see the strands of dried orange seaweed on her bed, mistake it for her weave and tell them that she's there and sleeping. Meanwhile, she'd be partying with her johns somewhere. And now TMZ has foiled her plan! Bitch will probably be sent to jail instead and she'll sit in a cell for a total of 90 seconds before they release her due to overcrowding. Woe is her!

And I don't know why the prosecutors believed Mark Heller in the first place. You should never trust a charbroiled troll with Henry Winkler hair. They're the shiftiest.

And this is why I should mainline Death Wish coffee before I open up my laptop.

The chipmunk Slytherin spent all of her teen years working hard to put squirrel meat on the shopping cart grill, so she didn't get the whole "twerking in front of a video camera" thing out of her system the way most of us did before we turned 16. But since bitch doesn't have shit to do now, this is how she's spending her time. Last night, Miley Cyrus uploaded a 2 minute-long video of her shaking her ass in a unicorn onesie. Bitch looks more like a deranged boxing kangaroo with physical Tourettes. The most tragic part of all of this is that my caffeine-less brain spent the first few minutes of my morning trying to process all of this mess. I should really put a warning label on the front of my laptop that reads: "Do Not Operate Unless You Are Under the Influence of Caffeine Or a Mind-Altering Substance."

And here's Miley's maybe fiance Liam Hemsworth arriving back in L.A. last night. I keep refreshing the photo agency databases for pictures of Liam Hemsworth leaving L.A. this morning, because I'm sure as soon as he got home and saw this video of Miley trying to twerk, he turned right back around and got the fuck out of there.

You can almost hear the words, "I will kick you the vagina," jumping out of his shout hole.

I can't find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan's Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan's tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn't have a substance abuse problem and she's going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It's like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.

After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted  at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who's about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo's assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.

Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can't afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he's up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter's name while humping on the spotlight.

Here's some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase "rode hard and put away wet."

I know, the last thing you needed to see on a Monday morning is a close-up shot of a dirty maxi-pad face. Well, at least it's all up from here and nothing you see this week will be grosser than a portrait of a Kartrashian looking like the tip of a 5 day old tampon.

On last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami, one of the Illuminati's secret beauty regimens was revealed when Kim Kartrashian got a Vampire Facelift. Since Kim is a vapid dildo of vainness, she will inject anything into her face (examples: resin, liquid nails, the sperm of Lucifer, the syrupy nectar that forms under Kanye's titties when he throws a tantrum, etc...etc..) to keep her mug looking as tight as Kanye's puckering pussay. And before she got knocked up, she tried some procedure where they take blood from your arm and separate the platelets before injecting it into your face. Here's how Wikipedia explains this Elizabeth Bathory shit:

The Vampire Facelift is the trademarked name for a non-surgical cosmetic procedure involving the reinjection of a gel-like substance—platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM)—derived from a patient’s own blood back into multiple areas of the skin of their face in an effort to treat wrinkles and “rejuvenate” the face.[1]

Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) is blood plasma that has been enriched with platelets. When activated, either by thrombin[2] or calcium chloride,[3] PRP takes on the form of a viscous gel (PRFM) containing high levels of several platelet-derived growth factors (cytokines) that may then be injected into the face in much the same manner as other dermal fillers such as Juvederm and Restylane.

Although any of the many available commercial and non-commercial methods for isolating PRP could theoretically be used to obtain the PRP necessary to perform a Vampire Facelift, most media reports about the procedure to date have described using the Regen Lab system to generate the platelet rich plasma utilized.[1]

As of April 2011, there are no scientific publications that describe the Vampire Facelift procedure or examine its efficacy.[1] There are, however, three publications that report that PRP may be useful as a facial filler.

The Vampire Facelift costs around $1,000 and that doesn't include the mace you'll have to buy when the hyenas smell the blood on your mug and try to eat your face off.

There's no way that Kim used her own blood, because she doesn't have any blood. Kim had all of the blood lipoed from her veins years ago, because she thought all that blood made her look fat. Obviously, Kim used the blood of the virgins that Khloe Kardashian caught in the forest.

And no to all of this. The only vampire facial I want is one from Vampire Eric. Wait, I know that vampires cry blood, but do they cum blood too? Not that that's a deal breaker or anything.

Because Lindsay Lohan's head is filled with a coke storm of delusion, she keeps turning down plea deal after plea deal that the Santa Monica City Attorney offers her. The Santa Monica City Attorney told LiLo that if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche straight into the back of an 18-wheeler, they'd let her skip past jail and dry out in rehab for 40 days instead. LiLo did what White Oprah does when a reasonable thought fills her head: she rebuked it! Then the Santa Monica City Attorney changed that deal and offered LiLo 30 days in rehab, but she told them they can eat that deal too. And now TMZ is saying that the Santa Monica City Attorney has really come down and are offering her house arrest instead of jail or rehab time. And everybody knows what house arrest means. NON-STOP PARTYING!

TMZ's source says that LiLo's not-so-magical elf of a lawyer, Mark Heller, is working with prosecutors and he's been telling them that she will accept a certain amount of house arrest. Prosecutors are willing to give her 90 days of house arrest, but Mark Heller keeps trying to talk them down. But a different source tells TMZ that Mark Heller and the prosecutors are wasting their time, because LiLo still thinks she's one hundred percent linnocent and will turn down any kind of punishment. If they don't agree on a plea deal, they'll all shuffle into a court room in L.A. on March 18th. If LiLo is convicted, she could get months in jail. To which I clear my throat and say, HAHAHAHAHA!

First of all, there's a greater chance of me farting out a 9" inch fully functional dick than there is of Lindsay Lohan getting actual, real jail time. So of course she wants to go to trial. She gets to dress up and once again prove to everyone that the justice system is her bottom bitch. Second of all, in order to do house arrest, don't you need a house to do it in? Bitch is homeless. Hell, they'd probably let her do house arrest at the Chateau Marmont bar. Or I guess she could do it at White Oprah's house. No wonder she doesn't want to take that deal. Spending 90 days in a confined space with White Oprah is the worst punishment of all.

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

"Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female ... If you're not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby. It's mine girl, it's mine girl, it's mine... So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin' building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga."

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What's Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I'm sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she's probably creaming over this. And she's the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can't, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here's Chris Brown's property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.