Dumbasses

Here's a picture that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed of her scissoring her nose as her latest stalking victim Max George screams for help while his ankle is shackled to the bed. Or maybe that's one of LiLo's demons showing itself. LiLo's demon would wear a hoodie from American Apparel.

Even though Charlie Sheen gave LiLo $100,000 and she supposedly gets paid thousands of dollars to give lazy hand jobs to rich men, she still owes the IRS a mountain of cash and if you looked inside the ash tray in your car, you'd find more money than she has in her checking account. So you'd think that when someone waves a half a million dollar check at her, she'd grab it and head directly for the nearest check cashing place. But TMZ says that the producers of Dancing with the Stars did wave a half million dollar check at her and bitch turned it down, because she wants nothing to do with reality TV.

A source says that the producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens have been at LiLo for a while. Their offer got bigger and bigger and bigger, and they stopped at $550,000, which she said no to. The source says that LiLo thinks she can still make movies and so she's staying away from reality TV.

If this is true, then Lindsay Lohan has once again certified herself as a bona fide dumb bitch for queefing on easy money. All she would have to do is smoke a cigarette in the middle of the stage while her partner danced around her. Bitch wouldn't even have to show up to rehearsals and she wouldn't even have to stand upright long enough to do the first cha in the Cha Cha Cha. Since America's favorite spectator sport is watching slow moving car crashes, she'd be voted through every week and probably win the whole thing. Shit, Melissa Rycroft won for doing a lot less.

But this story smells like a red plastic party cup full of cigarette butts, so I'm sure White Oprah made it up to make it look like LiLo is getting and turning down huge offers. DWTS would probably offer Lennay Kekua $550,000 before they offered Lindsay Lohan $550,000. On a related note, where do I sign the petition begging the producers of DWTS to get Lennay Kekua?

Ever since that terrifying moment in court was captured in a picture, Shawn Holley can't move her eyeballs to the left without reaching for a rosary and a vial of holy water first. Shawn Holley didn't have to reach for the holy water in court this morning, because Lindsay Lohan was too busy stalking Max George's parents in England to show up.

As some of you read yesterday, Lindsay Lohan achieved high levels of dumbassery when she hired shady NYC lawyer Mark Heller and fired Shawn Holley without knowing that she fired Shawn Holley. LiLo is begging Shawn to take her back and Shawn is thinking about it. Shawn is still on record as being LiLo's lawyer, so she showed up in court today to answer to the criminal charge LiLo was slapped with for telling lies to the cops after crashing her Porsche into a semi. Shawn pleaded "not guilty" on LiLo's behalf and if she wasn't in court today, the judge would've issued a bench warrant for LiLo's arrest for not showing up this morning.

When the judge asked Shawn if she's still LiLo's attorney, she said, "At this point, yes." A hearing has been set for January 30th and LiLo must show her shellacked veal face in court.

TMZ says that yesterday the Santa Monica City Attorney and the judge in the case agreed to not send LiLo to the clink if she checked into lockdown rehab for at least six months. LiLo could also spend time in a jail cell for violating probation, but the judge was also willing to end that case too if she went to rehab. That deal never happened, because LiLo fired Shawn minutes before she was about to make it happen.

Why does the court even bother with this shit anymore? Lindsay Lohan is not going to see the inside of a jail cell and nothing's going to happen to her. The judge always says, "THIS BITCH IS GOING TO PRISON FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!" and then nothing happens. It kind of reminds me of how my mom used to threaten to spank me when I acted the fool as a kid. She'd say, "I'm going to spank you!" and raise her hand, but nothing happened. Her hand would just stay raised. She later told me that her hand would get really heavy and she just couldn't bring herself to spank me even though my brat ass deserved it. Sometimes I'd get tired of waiting for her hand to come down, so I'd just slap myself.

So unless LiLo breaks into jail, goes into an empty cell, locks the door and then swallows the key with her snatch, she's not going to spend anytime in jail. But since the court insists on going through all these hearings, they should at least make it interesting by getting kittens to re-enact the proceedings. Or fucking something.

A human tornado of pure happiness was seen doing cartwheels while shouting "I'M FINALLY FREE!" down the streets of Los Angeles this afternoon and now we know it was Lindsay Lohan's former attorney celebrating the sweet taste of freedom. Lindsay Lohan continued her impressive streak of making bad decisions by firing the person who kept her out of the clink time and time again. TMZ says that LiLo hired NYC-based lawyer Mark Heller, who's represented the Son of Sam and Jon Gosselin, and broke up with Shawn Holley. Finally, one of LiLo's stupid decisions worked in Shawn's favorite. Bitch is FREEEEEEE! Or is she?

LiLo is in trouble in L.A. for lying to the cops about not driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi on PCH, and she's also in trouble in NYC for punching that psychic in a club. This morning, Shawn Holley was on her way to court to get negotiate a plea bargain in LiLo's L.A. case when she got a letter from Mark Heller saying that her services were no longer needed. Mark Heller told Shawn Holley that not only is he handling LiLo's criminal case in NYC, but he's handling all of her criminal cases now. LiLo signed the letter. Shawn Holley wanted to feel sad about getting dumped, but she was too busy orgasming with joy on the inside.

But wait....

TMZ is now saying that LiLo is just a dumbass, because she signed Mark's letter without knowing that it was Shawn's termination letter. This is why you should never sign an important document just minutes after you vagchugged a whole bottle of Svedka. LiLo told Mark, whose license was suspended for 5 years in the 90s, to send a letter asking Shawn to ignore the first one.

Who knows if Shawn will take her back, because Radar says that LiLo owes her over $300,000 in legal fees and hasn't made a payment in over 6 months. Shawn seems weirdly devoted to LiLo, so I'm sure she'll take that mess back, but she shouldn't. Shawn should change her name, change her face and move so that LiLo can't show up at her door and cry in front of it for 90 minutes straight. Run while you still can, Shawn!

And you know what else LiLo signs on for without reading? Movies. Case in point: the newest preview for The Canyons.

That falling water bottle was giving the most in that scene.

Justin Bieber + James Franco + KMart wigs + a corporate apartment + extra large dentures + too much free time + an on-call weed man + everything in the medicine cabinet + a pink napkin over a flashlight = THIS MESS RIGHT THERE.

James Franco uploaded (and then deleted) a video to his WhoSay page of him, his rumored fuck piece Ashley Benson and some dude grinding and simulating dog sex to Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." This is James Franco on James Franco and it's also the worst and scariest installment of Paranormal Activity ever. Before you say that James Franco is getting way too old for this shit, I'll have you know that HIGH ART knows no age. (But seriously, James Franco is getting way too old for this shit and shouldn't he be studying to get his 89th degree in whatever, or something?)

via Just Jared 

As J. Harvey told your asses yesterday, Sofia Vergara's piece of trash fiancé Nick Loeb got kicked out of a club in Miami on New Year's Eve after her got into a mini-brawl, which ended with Sofia's chichis nearly spilling out of her party dress. I know, bitches will Instagram and tweet pictures of their belly button dandruff and combination platter from El Torito, but nobody Instagram'ed or tweeted a picture of Sofia's chichis trying to escape the rage by jumping out of her dress? We have got to tweet better.

So because the world was reminded that Nick Loeb is a first-class dick pimple, Sofia Vergara tried to do a little damage control by holding his hand all happy-like on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon. Whatever. But what I want to know is, what good qualities does Nick Loeb have, because I don't know of any. Yes, Nick Loeb is a hot dog topping entrepreneur, but he's also a chronic cheater, a mean drunk, a party ruiner and always looks like he's letting out a slow, angry fart. What's to love?

Maybe in this picture, Sofia is giving us a clue as to what Nick Loeb's one good quality is. Maybe she's trying to tell us that he's hung like a rolled lunch napkin. That's still not enough. I don't care if you poured a thick layer of Onion Crunch on top of Nick's foot long dick, I still would NOT. ("Yes, you would." - you "No comment." - me)

America's current South Korean sweetheart Psy is sending America a basket full of sorries today for rapping about the death of Americans at a concert in South Korea 8 years ago. Long before "Gangnam Style" wrapped around my brain and refused to let go, Psy performed at a concert with a bunch of other South Korean stars including the rock group N.E.X.T. While N.E.X.T. performed their song "Dear America," Psy grabbed the mic and rapped a verse that included the lyric "fucking Yankees and their families should be killed slowly and painfully." Psy did this 8 years ago, but it only made the rounds in America  this week. Cue pitchforks! Cut pearl clutching! Cue Fox News' "PSY-cho" headline!

MTV News says that the concert happened months after a South Korean missionary was kidnapped and murdered by an Islamic terrorist group. The terrorist group told the South Korean government to stop sending troops to Iraq to support the US in the war OR ELSE! The South Korean government refused to give in and the terrorist group executed the missionary on camera and said, "Korean citizens, you were warned, your hands were the ones who killed him ... your soldiers are here not for the sake of the Iraqis, but for cursed Americans." There were protests all over South Korea and people were mad that their government sent troops to Iraq. MTV News also says that many South Koreans already hated America, because two members of the US military killed two 13-year-old South Korean girls two years before and this shit just made it worse.

Psy is now apologizing and released this "I'm Sowwy" card to America:

"As a proud South Korean who was educated in the United States and lived there for a very significant part of my life, I understand the sacrifices American servicemen and women have made to protect freedom and democracy in my country and around the world. The song I was featured in -- from eight years ago -- was part of a deeply emotional reaction to the war in Iraq and the killing of two innocent Korean civilians that was part of the overall antiwar sentiment shared by others around the world at that time.

While I'm grateful for the freedom to express one's self I've learned there are limits to what language is appropriate and I'm deeply sorry for how these lyrics could be interpreted. I will forever be sorry for any pain I have caused anyone by those words. I have been honored to perform in front of American soldiers in recent months — including an appearance on the Jay Leno show specifically for them — and I hope they and all Americans can accept my apology. While it's important we express our opinions, I deeply regret the inflammatory and inappropriate language I used to do so. In my music I try to give people a release, a reason to smile. I have learned that though music, our universal language we can all come together as a culture of humanity and I hope that you will accept my apology."

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way can Psy please apologize for contributing to the suffering I will endure while watching one of my relatives drunkenly dance Gangnam Style at a Christmas party? Wait, maybe this is all part of his master plan, because watching an uncoordinated ho drunkenly dance Gangnam Style does kill me slowly and painfully...

Being the responsible and sane parents that they are, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville continued to throw hate at each other in the media yesterday. It all started when Brandi told UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes is a laxative-loving crazy bitch who puts her children in danger and that Eddie never returns her e-mails. Then Eddie responded by giving Radar an e-mail he supposedly sent to Brandi. The e-mail only makes sense if you picture Eddie transcribing it as LeAnn shouts the words while waving three $100 bills at his face. Here's Eddie's letter and yes, I felt like he was personally kneeing me in the taint when he typed "wine and narcissism" like it's a bad thing!

"I know your life exists solely for the purpose of living and creating drama. It's a sad way to live. It's so obvious that you have to constantly mention my wife so people will care what comes out of your mouth. One day when wine and narcissism are not consuming you, you will realize how fortunate the kids are to have LeAnn in their life. She is amazing with them, as the kids will 100 percent attest to. You should be so lucky to one day find someone who will love and respect Mason and Jake as she does. Although, I really don't know how anyone can put up with your constant bullshit. No wonder you have lost so many 'close' friends. Grow up already and for once, PUT THE KIDS FIRST!"

Since Brandi has nothing to do all day but yell at semi-human mannequins in front of Bravo's cameras, she immediately ate one of LeAnn's candy laxatives, turned around and fired another shit bomb at Eddie. Brandi went on Twitter and told Eddie to grow a pair of huevos. Brandi also said that LeAnn is addicted to Adderall and drinks like a fish. Again, why do whores keep kneeing me in that taint like that? Drinking like a fish is a bad thing?! Brandi has since deleted all those tweets and said that she's going to stop tweeting about Eddie and LeAnn for now.

Brandi is fueled by the crazy, but LeAnn is crazier. Case in point: A few weeks ago, I spent about 6 minutes with my cousin's kids and during those 6 minutes, one ate most of my pumpkin brownie, the other one slapped my forehead and the third one took my iPhone out of my hand without asking. It was like a moment with Lindsay Lohan. They did all of this while some annoying Nickelodeon cartoon played in the background. I had to change the channel from HGTV to Nickelodeon for them! Kids are thieves and laugh when they physically assault you! You can't even call the cops on them. They are above the law. So why would anyone fight over kids that don't legally belong to them?

One of Brandi's kids even stole one of LeAnn Rimes' laxatives out of her purse. You'd think that's where LeAnn would draw the line. When you mess with her precious poop pills, you mess with her emotions. But no, LeAnn still wants to spend quality time with them. Crazy ass bitch.

Pimp Mama Kris' lowest-earning whore, Rob Kartrashian, let out a Twitter stream of tears when he said that his former piece Rita Ora allegedly cheated on him with twenty other dudes. Even a brain dead trick with the IQ of a sock knew Rob was talking about Rita Ora. But Rob must think anyone who cares about this shit is as stupid as him, because he claimed today that he wasn't talking about who you think he was talking about. Rob tweeted (and then deleted) a "shame on you" speech to the media for bringing up Rita Ora's name. via E! 

"Just so we clear I never once mentioned 'Rita Ora' in any of my tweets or even used the word 'whore' and I never would. I Respect Women. Sad that the media created negativity for a young artist new to the game that is working so hard to make it. Never mentioned any names. I speak truth. I'm a very Real dude and everything I say I mean…But never called anyone specific a whore and said any names. You all did."

Rob achieved the impossible. Rob is so dumb that he makes Kim Kardashian look like she could actually win a round of "Are You Smarter Than A Dog Dingle?" Rob wouldn't even pass the qualifying test. And no, Rob would never call anyone "a whore." I'll just leave this here (skip to the 2:39 mark):

Above is a video of former Mr. Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey, getting kicked out of a Chargers vs. Bengals game in San Diego for fighting and running his mouth. Nick Lachey is the Bengals' forever bottom bitch and so when a Chargers fan sat in front of him in the stadium, he and his friends started heckling their rival during the game. This has nothing to do with anything, but I bet Nick Lachey took a dozen breaths away when his lush he-tits started heaving something sexy while he got all mad and shit. Even though I've never seen it with my own eyes, I can still say that I love it when Nick's nips get hard with rage.

TMZ has a blurry cell phone video on their site and it's hard to tell what's going on. For all we know, it could be an ultrasound video of Jessica Simpson's ovaries trying to fight away her fiance's fertile ass sperm. But TMZ says it's a video of Nick and the Chargers fan getting into it. The Chargers fan tells TMZ that Nick kept spewing out hate about his team and his wife defended him by shouting at Nick, "Well, he lasted longer than your boy band!" Nick called her a "fucking bitch" before choking out the Chargers fan. Security broke up the bitch fight and kicked Nick and his friends out of the stadium. Nick then went on Twitter and declared victory:

Just got kicked out of the chargers stadium and couldn't be prouder! Go Cincy Bengals! #whodey

Bengals win again. i'd talk trash to everyone in SD, but what's the point? you already had me kicked out of the stadium and you still lost.

Majority of charger fans were awesome yesterday, thanks for the hospitality! Sadly, there is always one guy that ruins it for everyone.....

For the record, i was not kicked out of the chargers game for excessive "trash talking". no, that honor belonged to the guy in front of me!

i simply don't appreciate someone turning around and putting their finger in my face. call me crazy, but that deserved a reaction.

again, aside from a few exceptions, i had a great time hanging with Charger fans all afternoon. honestly, some of the nicest fans around.

If brawls like that happened at every football game, I'd go to football games more often. Swallowing a hot dog dipped in beer while watching two mad dudes choke each other as a sea of Spandex-wrapped bulges dance in the field below. It doesn't get better than that. And if Nick was as passionate about hosting as he is about football, he wouldn't have looked like a block of wood while hosting The Sing-Off. Correction: a block of wood with an amazing rack.

TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.

UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany's purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would've stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she's trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.

Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the "cunt" when she's high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn't let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.

And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn't One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo's drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn't exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn't LiLo or Tiffany.

This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin' over some dick that she's never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don't even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would've asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven't even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.

Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that's 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!

Here's Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.