Dumbasses

Okay, this is some Charlie Sheen shit, but without the mountains of coke (I think) and the traumatized porn star locked in the bathroom (I think, again). It really is hard going through life knowing that you'll always be known as the less hot Carrot Top and Olympic gold medal-winning snowboarder Shaun White obviously let that get to him, because he lost his mind at the bottom of a booze bottle before trashing his hotel room in Nashville. Shaun White not only looks like he's been training his whole life to be a Rock of Ages extra,  but he acts like it too. Before you make one of those "Watch out, we've got a badass over here" jokes, you haven't seen Shaun tussle with a floor lamp. Yes, the floor lamp probably won that fight, but I'm sure Shaun got in at least one slap to the shade.

TMZ says that after the secret toilet baby of Ann Romano and Schneider from One Day at a Time drunkenly messed up his hotel room, he pulled a few fire alarms (because why not). When Shaun tried to leave the hotel, a dude from the hotel caught him outside and tried to stop him. Shaun kicked the dude and ran away, but because the boomerang known as karma sometimes works real fast, he knocked his head into a fence and got a black eye. Bitch got taken down by a fence! The cops showed up and put Shaun in handcuffs for vandalism and public intoxication.

Two words: GINGER BUFFOONERY!

If the government really does have hidden cameras on every corner, can they please unite this nation in laughs by releasing the footage of Shaun getting whooped by a fence? Next to seeing a fat biker dude with neck tattoos openly reading Fifty Shades Freed (which tells me he read the first two books and LOVED them) on the subway, seeing Shaun knocking his head into a fence will be the greatest thing I've seen this month. That fence should get a gold medal in douche handling.

Amanda Bynes' bumper car adventures are over...until she eventually puts on her favorite disguise (they call her Sneaky McCobijaFace) to carjack a Disney star and continue to toke her face off to terrorize the streets of Los Angeles in the name of her satanic overlords at Nickelodeon. (More on that Nickelodeon vs. Disney in a second.)

Bumper Car Mandy was driving through Burbank at around 9:30 yesterday morning when the cops pulled her over. TMZ doesn't say why they pulled her over, but I'm sure it had something to do with weed smoke pouring out of her exhaust pipe and screams coming from the bicyclist who clung to her hood after she hit him and kept on driving. The cops ran her drivers license, found out she's a menace to the streets and put her BMW in car jail.

Amanda's friends and families are probably concerned that her partner in terror, her black BMW, was ripped from her hands, because now that she REALLY has nothing to do, she's going to come over, smoke all of their good shit, hit on their refrigerators and have seriously intense conversations with their coffee table about how the refrigerator over there is a frigid bitch and refused to give her its number. But wait, TMZ says that Amanda is telling her friends that she's not fucking crazy in the brains and she's not a stoner. Amanda wasn't smoking weed in her car, she was smoking tobacco out of a one-hitter that is pretty much only used to smoke weed out of. Yes, this crazy bitch wants us all to believe that she was smoking tobacco. Bitch should've went all the way and said she was smoking oregano and inhaling oregano smoke, because she read in Gourmet Magazine that tacos from Baja Fresh taste so much better with a thick layer of oregano-infused farts on them. (Yes, this is your cue to bring up the image of Amanda Bynes farting on a Baja Fresh taco.)

And now for that Nickelodeon vs. Disney foolery. After Nickelodeon's greatest fuck-up got her car impounded, Disney's greatest fuck-up shaded her on Twitter with the above tweet of grand delusion. Let's see, Amanda Bynes got charged with 1 DUI and 2 hit-and-runs, and her case hasn't been heard by a judge yet, so she's never been convicted of anything yet. Lindsay Lohan has been convicted of DUI, has at least a million probation violations, is a certified jewel thief and almost murdered a kid in a stroller. And the amount of time it took me to write that last sentence is twice as long as the total amount of time Lindsay Lohan has spent in a jail cell.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that LiLo queefed out that tweet as a distraction. Everybody was too busy laughing at that insane tweet that they didn't notice LiLo breaking into the impound lot and sneaking into Amanda's BMW to vacuum up all the weed crumbs in there. Well played, you dumb bitch.

Or maybe this is just the first shot fired in the Nickelodeon vs. Disney war. Spongebob and Mickey better Vaseline up their faces and sharpen their shanks, because the battle has begun. I'm sure President Obama will hold an emergency press conference to state where he stands in this highly important national war.

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan's wallet and Cookie Puss' arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah's legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA's 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah's humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she's an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It's 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And "You're in your little tie and your little shoes...." is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

Kim Kartrashian's staged marriage to that Geico Caveman lasted about as long as your average Ryan Seacrest queef, made her millions of dollars and the hardest thing she had to do was act like she cared about it ending. And that's exactly like beating cancer! When a cancer patient goes through several rounds of chemo, loses their hair, barfs all day and goes through several radiation treatments, the first thing they say after they're able to open their mouth without a doctor shoving another pill in there is: "I now know how Kim Kardashian feels!"

Humanity's talking butt kancer was farting at the mouth to The Guardian (via Complex) about how hard her life is when this shit nugget came out while discussing her stupid divorce:

"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."

If reporters insist on interviewing Dim Karkrashian, they should talk to the ass on her bottom instead of the ass on her neck, because they'll get more intelligent answers, but that's not saying much. I swear, I just kan't with this kunt.

(Thanks, Dana!)

(Source: @crackiecentral via Mattchew03 via Buzzfeed)

Seeing Chris Brown sitting in the front row at the VMAs with a smug look on his hemorrhoid with beaver teeth face made a shitty show even shittier. During the show, I kept waiting for fellow STUNT QUEENS RiRi and Chris Brown to pull another shameless stunt out of their asses by singing "Proud Mary" together o topn a Lamborghini. That didn't happen, but during the commercial break RiRi walked over to Glum Cunt Chris, hugged him, pecked him and then played a quick game of "Douche, Douche, Gross" by patting him on the head before sashaying away.

The Internet screamed last night about RiRi and Fist Brown kissing at the VMAs, so I expected to see a video of him punching her tonsils with his tongue. It was just a peck, but RiRi is still a dumbass. RiRi is really going to put her ear that close to the mouth of an untamed beast who nearly bit it off? If you can't love yourself, at least love your ears!

And let's keep the theme of GROSS going by looking at these pictures of some of the gross ghouls at last night's show. In order: Side Show Nicki, Deena and the rest of the Jersey Shore whores, Ke$hit and the butt baby of Kid Rock and KFed who goes by the name Riff Raff.

In Vanity Fair's expose on Scientology and Tommy Girl's beard catching adventures, Maureen Orth wrote this about Lindsay Lohan:

“Lindsay met with Tom before he met Katie. At first, she was super excited to work with Tom and thought it was about a role in Mission Impossible. It soon became clear that he wasn’t looking for an actress but something very different.”

Last night, LiLo ran out of rolling papers and there wasn't a Bible in her room at the Motel 6, so she used the pages from Vanity Fair's new issue to roll a joint and that's when she saw her name. LiLo immediately got on Twitter to tell Tommy Girl and Scientology that she had nothing to do with VF's story. And when LiLo denies she's involved in something, that means she's totally involved. So we all have LiLo, Adderall and the empty bottles of Jack around her to thank for trying to bring down Xenu.

But really, imagine Tommy and LiLo together? Every Bridge Queen (or whatever they call themselves) at Scientology would have to go against their insane beliefs and turn to anti-depressants and crack to deal with her crazy ass. LiLo's constant whining would've made Tommy punch himself in the head so much that he would've socked the crazy right out of his brains. What a world it would've been.

UPDATE: RumorFix lied to me! Lindsay Lohan's name isn't even in Vanity Fair's story. That quote came from a story HuffPo did on Vanity Fair's story. I would've read the entire story, but I used the pages to roll a joint.

And Blohan should turn all her delusions into a comedy act, because this shit is gold.

via Rumor Fix 

Because Chad Johnson doesn't want a day to go by without someone writing the words "Ochocinco is a dumb bitch" on the Internet, the mound of dried shit dingles in his head decided it would be a good idea for him try to win his wife of twenty minutes back by getting her face tattooed on his leg.

Evelyn Lozado filed to legally quit Ochocinco after he punched her in the head with his head. Yeah, so nothing says "I'm sorry for head-butting you" like getting their faced inked into your leg. TMZ says that Ochocinco got the tattoo, which could be fake, sometime this past weekend and it's his way of professing his love to Evelyn in an effort to get her back. The only thing this is going to get him is a whole lot of shaking heads, because that tattoo is a mess. They made Evelyn look like a True Blood wolf.

Evelyn not only has the imprint of Ochocinco's forehead on her face, but now she knows her face is imprinted next to his terrifying calf muscle. If that isn't pure hate, I don't know what is. With all that being said, the tattoo does sort of represent their relationship: horrifying, fame whorey and completely gross.

via @ochocinco

Lindsay Lohan shouldn't even be trusted for one hour in a Super 8 motel room in Barstow, but for some reason, The Chateau Marmont let her stay with them for 47 days this summer and they didn't make her pay upfront in cash that comes up clean when they mark each bill with that yellow pen (Side whisper: I HATE that yellow pen). Every crackhouse in South Central boards up their windows when they see LiLo pulling up front in her Porsche, but Chateau Marmont still took that freckled mess of stupid in and she still screwed them over.

While filming the future AFI basic cable movie of the century Liz & Dick, LiLo laid her favorite coke snortin' mirror (the one that's got "There's No Place Like Home" etched into it) on the coffee table in a suite at The Chateau and she stayed there during June and July. Because LiLo can't ruin her reputation as a thieving mooch, she never put one penny toward her ever-growing bill and the Chateau eventually kicked her coke-dusted ass out on August 1st. They have banned her for life and the general manager sent her a letter asking her to pay for the $46k bill she racked up. Before you say that sending Blohan that letter was a waste of paper, I'm sure she rolled that letter up and smoked weed cut with bath salts out of it, so it wasn't a complete waste.

TMZ got a hold of the letter and bill, and it says that LiLo spent $3,145.07 on the minibar, $686 on 49 packs of cigarettes, $100 on a candle and $1,992.07 for one dinner at the restaurant on July 4th. The GM says that LiLo borrowed one of the hotel's computers, but he's willing to wave the $75 a day charge if she returns it. LiLo would totally turn in that laptop if she could, but it's kind of impossible since she already gave it to her dealer for an 8-ball.

Also, I looked hard on the bill for a charge for daily Hazmat cleaning services and for a charge to replace all the toilets in her suite, but I didn't see either of those. The Chateau probably waved those charges too.

I can't wait for White Oprah to cry that they were told The Chateau is a free halfway house for wayward celebrity crackheads and now they're just using her daughter's famous A-list name to get some publicity. But whatever, I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding and Blohan will eventually pay off the bill with a bag of Rolexes and a truck full of DVD players with the serial numbers scratched out.

Dlisted guest blogger extraordinaire Sweetas e-mailed me last night about Kleptohan's latest act of thievery and she totally called when she said that crackburglar will cry out, "It's in the black girl's twat!" Because TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is pointing her sticky finger straight at Suge Knight's son Andrew Knight. You're probably not reading any of this, because as soon as you saw that picture of Andrew Knight, you immediately turned around to let him see that thong.

LiLo has reached deep up into her ass and pulled out one of her old excuses by blaming the black kid. Andrew Knight was also at the all-night party at Sam Magid's Hollywood Hills home when $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses went missing. Sam apparently told the police that on the day of the theft, two of LiLo's friends, Andrew Knight and another dude, came up to him and handed him a bag with a few pieces of the stolen stuff wrapped in HER t-shirt. It gets better. When Sam and LiLo talked about the burglary later on, she told him that she hid some of his expensive stuff around his house, because she didn't want the thieves to steal more shit. LiLo doesn't really remember where she hid the stuff, because she was high on Ambien at the time. Sam also told the cops that her last words to him were, "I'm sorry. Please pray for me." 

After LiLo put the blame on Suge Knight's son, he denied it all and the cops believe him, because LiLo is still their main suspect.

I don't know whether LiLo is the dumbest bitch alive or the boldest bitch alive, or a lot of both. I'm going to go with the former, because she truly is the worst jewel thief of all-time. My abuelita's half-blind fat chihuahua who has IBS would've done a better job. Ambien + a house full of cracked out bitches + $100,000 worth of jooree lying around = the easiest jewel heist ever.

Bitch should've drugged everybody with the Ambien, stole all that jewelry while they were all knocked out, quickly hid the stuff where nobody will ever look (examples: White Oprah's panties or the drawer where her agent keeps her headshots and resumes) and then come back to the house to rub some random party guest's hand all over the soon-to-be crime scene before passing out with everybody else. It's not hard!

Maybe the realization that she sucks at thieving will fall into her head when Suge Knight hangs her over a hotel balcony.

(Pics via Pacific Coast News and Splash)