Not The One

Helen Mirren left her home in London today wearing a t-shirt promoting As One In The Park, a huge LGBT festival, but the other day she was slapping those loud bitches down outside of the theater where she's currently performing as THE QUEEN in a play called The Audience. And Helen did it in costume. So until now, I didn't know that one of my goals in life is to get bitched out by Helen Mirren dragged up as THE QUEEN!

The Daily Telegraph says that during Saturday night's performance of The Audience, a troupe of drummers from As One In The Park were right outside of the theater loudly beating their shit to promote the festival. Helen tells the Telegraph that toward the end of the first half, the loud drumming pounded its way into her ear holes and it made it hard for her to perform. Helen went on and finished the first act, but during intermission, she came outside and verbally cunt punted (copyright: that crazy sorority chick) the drummers while still in costume as Queen Elizabeth II. You really haven't lived until you've seen a queen curse out a bunch of queens on the streets.

Sky News has an extremely clear and sharp video of Helen pointing around while telling those loud asses that they are interrupting an Olivier Award-winning performance!

One witness said that Helen told them to fuck off and continued to slap their ears with beautiful curse word after beautiful curse word. Helen explained it like this:

“I’m afraid there were a few 'thespian’ words used. They got a very stern royal ticking off but I have to say they were very sweet and they stopped immediately. I felt rotten but on the other hand they were destroying our performance so something had to be done. The drumming just slowly got louder and louder and then settled right outside the stage door. There was just a thin wall between drumming and the theatre so it was unbelievably loud on stage. Paul Ritter and I could hardly hear each other speak and the audience couldn’t hear us speak at all. 

We were doing this last scene of the first act where the Queen is being told she is going to lose Britannia [the royal yacht], it’s quite an emotional scene. I thought, we can’t carry on like this, they have to stop. I was so upset from struggling through the scene with Paul that I literally walked straight off stage, straight up the stairs and straight out the stage door and banged my way through the crowd who were watching and said 'stop, you’ve got to stop right now’ only I might have used stronger language than that. They were very sweet and stopped the minute they knew I wasn’t just a batty old woman haranguing them on the streets of Soho on a Saturday night.”

Helen also said that she's going to find the drummers and give them free tickets to the show.

Why in the hell would those drummers want free tickets when they already watched a private sidewalk performance that was probably better and more theatrical than anything in that play? But really, Helen Mirren should be stripped of her Olivier Award. If you're going to tell bitches what's what while dressed as THE QUEEN, then you need to bitch them out as THE QUEEN too. Helen should've made Prince Philip hold them down as she beat them with her pocketbook while yelling at her Corgis to bite the skin off their ankles. That's what the real Queen would've done.

18-year-old Penelope Soto from Miami learned earlier this week that the judge is always the head bitch of the court room and don't ever try to out bitch the head bitch because you will end up in a jail cell.  Penelope was in court on Monday to answer to the charge of a possessing a bar of Xanax (break me off a piece of that bar) and Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat set her bail at $5,000, but raised it to $10,000 when she got cute and then jailed her for 30 days when she gave him the middle finger. But thankfully for Penelope, her gorgeous burgundy hair isn't going to fade, because she's been released from the clink and has reunited with her tube of Radiant Red Shampoo.

With her family next to her, Penelope cried out tears of sowwies in front of Judge Jorge today and apologized to him, the court and her family for flipping his ass off and not being respectful. WTSP says that Judge Jorge accepted her apology and then he looked her in the eye and quoted Wiz Khalifa when he said, "I tell a bitch bow down to a motherfucking G ho." Judge Jorge then dropped the contempt charges, released her from jail and wished her luck in completing a court ordered drug treatment program. All charges will be dropped once Penelope completes rehab.

And now this week's episode of When Keeping It Bitchy Goes Wrong has a happy ending. Now if only Penelope will apologize to my chola cousin for stealing her signature hair color. A color that she gets from mixing two different shades of Nice 'N Easy, thankyouverymuch.

My morning time drunk idol is at it again. Angry whores threw "Do Not Pass Go, Report Directly To Rehab" cards at Kathie Lee Gifford a couple of months ago when she hiccuped out a chardonnay-laced oops by asking Martin Short how his wife was without realizing that his wife died a while ago. Kathie Lee apologized and turned an oops into a YAY by posthumously pouring one out into her mouth hole for Martin's wife. Well, Kathie Lee is up to her old tricks again and this time she's slightly offended Aretha Franklin.

On Today's Happy Time Drunk Hour yesterday morning, Kathie Lee and Hoda yapped about Aretha joining American Idol. Kathie Lee said that Aretha hates to fly, so that's going to be a problem, and that many of the young bitches auditioning might not even know who the Queen of Soul is. (Note: If you don't know who the Queen of Soul is, you should immediately be melted down into chaffing cream and smeared all over Aretha's legendary nipple plates.) Aretha is on top of this shit, because she immediately knocked the wine bottle out of Kathie Lee's mouth and handed that uneducated drunk a copy of the Encyclopedia of Aretha. Aretha set a trick straight with this statement to CNN:

"While I enjoy Kathie Lee and Hoda daily, her assessment is totally wrong! I've been to California from Detroit four times this year and Florida. I go wherever I choose to go comfortably on my custom bus.

Further, my audience and fans span the age of 8 to 90! And are multi-ethnic, and I am very well known to young adults, tweens and teens. Their parents play my music and I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!

I'm surprised Kathie Lee did not research my worldwide celebrity audience! She's usually right on top of things with a great sense of humor, but she's totally wrong this time. She should research me before she speaks about me. I'm sure she thought she was right; still enjoy Hoda and Kathie Lee!"

"I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!" are words to live by, but Aretha needs to do her research if she really thinks Kathie Lee is capable of doing research. Even if Today's interns wrote those Aretha facts on Kathie Lee's cards, she wouldn't be able to read them since reading words is hard when the studio is spinning and your best friend, Chateau Diana, is taking up all your attention by cooing out your name from across the room. That's why I don't do research! But I appreciate that Aretha provided some much-needed shade on a hot fucking day.

Note to toddlers who don't know how to act right (in other words, ALL toddlers): You better learn how while in the presence of Miss Patti LaBelle or she will try to exorcise the brat out of you by splashing you in the face with some Poland Springs.

Kevin and Roseanna Monk filed a lawsuit against Patti on Monday alleging that she went itchy gitchi yaya on their 18-month-old last year. Patti stayed in the same Manhattan building the Monks live in last year while she was doing Fela! on Broadway. On one November day, Roseanna was down in the lobby getting some luggage together for a family trip when Patti swept into her presence and said, “‘Do you know what your daughter is doing?" Roseanna shot back with, "Lady, mind your business." Anybody who is well versed in the ancient grandma martial art of Whoop-a-trick knows what happened next. Patti calmly took off her sunglasses, removed her fur coat, handed her pocketbook to her assistant, smeared her face with a fightin' shield (aka Vaseline), put on all her chunkiest rings and killed the lights by going crazy. Roseanna says, "Patti lost it."

Patti cursed everyone out and waved her water bottle so much that some of its insides splashed in the toddler's face. Roseanna's lawyer goes on to say in the lawsuit, “It was enough that the mother had to change her shirt and the baby’s shirt. The baby’s never been exposed to anything like that before. She started crying violently. She started throwing up. My client went outside, and on the way to her car, she said ‘Look what you did to my daughter. Look what you did. That’s when Patti lost it and she lunged at her, tried to punch her and had to be restrained by her entourage. The bodyguard had to get out and drag Patti into the car.”

The lawyer also claims that the Monks' toddler is traumatized as shit and has trouble sleeping at night (don't all toddlers?).

Roseanna went to the police but nothing was done about it. The Monks weren't really planning on suing until they read about how a U.S. Military Academy cadet is suing Patti over a beat down her bodyguards issued on him at an airport in Houston. The Monks are suing for punitive damages, but they really just want to teach Patti that you can't go around throwing water at a toddler's face.

There are a bunch of highly important details missing here. Why didn't Roseanna rip Patti's weave pieces out and slap her thrice in the face with them after her toddler got doused? What did the toddler specifically do that turned Patti's crazy bitch switch on? Did Patti rage out of her shoes during this mess? Because it's known that Patti knocks off her shoes when she gets emotional. There's your key witness in this case. I call Patti's shoes to the stand!

via ABC News

Camera lenses and the souls of a dozen paparazzos were among the casualties from the first-degree upper cut shank eye Zahara threw as she stomped through the airport in Tokyo today with her army. You can almost hear the sound of cracked glass and smell the scent of singed eyelashes from here. When Zahara looks up, you better drop your weapon and get down on the floor. As the late great Bernie Mac would say: "She look at me like I'm short!"

Omar Sharif is an Oscar-nominated actor, the star of Lawrence of Arabia and today he's known as a crusty old cunt who will bitch slap a trick if she gets out of line. Literally.

TMZ brings us this clip of 79-year-old Omar posing for pictures with his fans at a film festival in Qatar today when one lady scoots up and stands there. Just like your abuelita when you tried to get a piece of cake at a birthday party without asking, Pepaw Omar growled at the lady and then made her hair fly by slapping at her. That shit was like a chancelta slap without the chancelta. Since no slap down is complete without a serious talking to, Omar lectured the grown woman on the rules of waiting for a picture with a famous corroded asshole. The Washington Post translated that shit like this:

“My dear! I told you I’d get to you afterwards! I just said that and you’re standing here. Put something in your brain! ...........I’m sorry.”

More like put something in your checking account, bitch! Seriously, what gets me is that homegirl is standing there, awkwardly smiling. Is she in shock? Is she not sure what just happened? Does she not know how to react? You always have to be prepared for foolery like this.

When life slaps you with Omar Sharif's hand, you make slapanade out of that shit. You clutch your neck, you scream out in pain, you oh-so dramatically wither to the ground and you shout at your loved ones to call Gloria Allred first, the media second and an ambulance third. Then you scream out your checking account and routing number to Omar Sharif so he knows where to send his Funny Girl royalties from now on. You make it A SCENE and call it A CRIME until it starts to rain money on you. As my spirit animal Khia says, "#GETMONEYBITCH!"

President Obama's Tour of DOHs through the UK and Ireland made a stop at another DOH last night during a royal banquet at the Queen's house. Obama's first DOH came when his limo "The Beast" broke down in Dublin and his second came when he revealed that he's a time traveler by writing the wrong date in the guest book at Westminster Abbey. And last night, Obama talked over the national anthem, which is a no no and will earn you a slap to the mouth. To put things into perspective, this is the fancy equivalent of talking during your grandma's stories.

On The View this morning, they said that Obama also broke protocol by touching his glass before Her Majesty the Queen touched hers. Buckingham Palace hasn't seen a moment as awkward as this since Prince Charles kissed Princess Diana on the balcony.

Diamond crown or not, the Queen is still a grandma and her natural instincts are to throw an "I got your number, hussy!" look when somebody acts backwards in her presence. Camilla was secretly sighing with relief on the inside, because up until last night she was the only one who was the recipient of one of the Queen's "fire up the guillotine" eyes.

This is why Prince Hot Ginge and I could never be (I know, I'm breaking his heart). I'd fart in those chairs and down that glass in one gulp. You don't ever try to fart in a memaw's house. They can hear it enter the gates before it actually does. You don't know how many times I've sat in a grandma's house and suddenly found her screaming at me, "Take it outside! Take it outside!"

I've never had the pleasure of meeting Martha Stewart's french bulldog Francesca, but just by looking at her I can tell that the bitch will split your lip if you interrupt her beauty sleep. That's exactly what happened to Martha the other morning, but don't holler for Cesar Millan just yet, because it was an accident. An accident (I'm on your side, Frannie)!!!!

Martha wrote a post on her blog (via TMZ) today about how she caught a sleeping Francesca by surprise when she leaned down to whisper a sweet goodbye into her dog's ear. Just like Martha in prison when her cellmate tried to steal her knitting needle made from a TV antenna, Francesca shot up and headbutted her in the lip. As the blood poured out of Martha's lip, she made a mental note to paint the back wall in her farmhouse kitchen the exact same color. Then Martha thought about stitching herself up using imported French thread, but when she realized that wasn't going to work she signaled for her driver to take her to the hospital!

I called the police to ask for a ride to the hospital, forgetting that Carlos, my driver was waiting to drive me into the city. Carlos and Betsy Perreten, my stable manager, packed me into the car and we drove in the falling snow the few miles to the emergency room in Northern Westchester Hospital, my wonderful neighborhood medical center. When we arrived, I was instructed to lie down and wait until the plastic surgeon on call, Dr. William Nolan, could get there from his nearby home. The pictures tell the rest of the story. Thank you, Betsy, for taking the photos. Thank you Carlos, Alexis, and Mike. Thanks to the hospital staff for their prompt and professional attention and of course, Thank you, Dr. Nolan!

Martha claims that Francesca was all torn up inside for accidentally fucking her ass up. Yeah, here's Francesca being all upset and shit:

That's definitely a "you'll get yours for this" face.