Flavor of Love
The original cast of Flavor of Love is the gift that keeps on giving and they seem to pop up in places you never ever thought they would. They're just like a herpes outbreak! A herpes outbreak in too-small dresses from the Torrid outlet and make-up samples they got as payment for cutting the opening ribbon of a Sally's Beauty Supply in New Jersey. And the newest outbreak happened on GSN dating show Baggage and it starred the pineapple slice in my raw chicken HOTTIE!!!
Hottie admitted to her potential date that one of her pieces of baggage is that she spoon feeds her dogs at restaurants. Hottie brought out her pooch Cash to give a demonstration, and shit must have gotten lost in translation. Instead of slurping up the slop, Cash barfed it all over the floor. Poor Cash. Barfing is one of the symptoms from the post-traumatic stress disorder he got from witnessing Hottie perform "My Man, Mansion, Money!" live.
A glimpse of Rojo Caliente, a double pee stream and the McCrabcake are all magical things in life that only happen once in a blue moon, so you have to embrace them when they come around. And this video of Flavor of Love's Hottie performing Poker Face at some street fair in Las Vegas falls into that category.
Who cares if Hottie didn't have time to change out of the uniform she wears for her morning job serving cocktails at the Horseshoe Casino! Who cares if Hottie's cousins are only dancing behind her because she promised to buy them a few minutes on their pre-paid cell phones! Who cares if Hottie is singing along to a cassette single her co-worker made for her! Who cares if the only people in the audience are homeless crackheads who just so happen to be hanging out on that part of the street!
WHO CARES, because this is truly the performance of 2010! Okay....the performance of the month? Er. Okay....the performance of the week? Um. Okay....the performance of the day? The hour? The minute? Okay, it's the second best performance of the minute (right after the burp you just blew)!
It looks like Flavor Flav finally found himself a real woman! A woman who can protect him from the posarassi and light his pipe on the first try (take that however you want). And Quween on the Scene won't get the stomach seizures when she gets a piece of old beef jerky in her mouth while licking on his gold teefs. Although, Quween might have to get some Crest strips, because Flav might get jealous that her buttery Chiclets are more yellow than his. That's for them to work out.
The two lovebirds strolled down the streets of Beverly Hills together yesterday. Just a couple of hours later, Quween was devastated to find out about the passing of Michael Jackson. Hopefully, Flav was there to comfort her and a baby Flavor of Quween was created. I think Vh1 just creamed their chonies.
I'm sure that during your morning bowel movement, you asked yourself, "I wonder what Hottie, the trick who microwaved raw chicken, from Flavor of Love is up to?" Well, ask and you shall receive. Hottie has covered up her naturally blonde locks, reeled in her "STAINS on crack" eyes and stripped down to serenade you with her version of "Amazing Grace."
During the first minute, I think she's passing a few basketball-sized kidney stones through her pee-hole, but then she really throws her hands on the casket and gets right into it. And when she does, I feel like I need to pass a kidney stone. I mean, she should not be doing that. People are trying to sleep!
If you make it to the end of the clip and have the urge to "learn more about this artist" by e-mailing her, please e-mail Jesus instead, because you need help!
In an interview with Complex.com, 49-year-old Foofy Foofy claims he lost his virginity when he was just 6-years-old. Baby jizz! He sort of explains how it went down, but I do not want to know the nasty details! I don't need the child touching police knocking on my door, so I'm just going to leave it at that! Here's what he had to say about this bullshit:
Complex: Where did you lose your virginity?
Flavor Flav: Where did I lose my virginity? I lost my virginity in the bushes on a box.
Flavor Flav: Yea, in the bushes on a box. A girl and me were having sex on a box in the bushes, in some big tall bushes.
Complex: How uh…when was this?
Flavor Flav: This was when I was real, real, real, real, young.
Complex: Like elementary school? Or middle school?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’m a tell you the truth; I lost my virginity when I was 6 years old.
Flavor Flav: Yea, man. Because you know we learned to have done the nasty back in the days, and me and this girl we experiment, we were experimenting, and my little joint got hard, I penetrated for about a few seconds.
Complex: I respect that. Early start my man.
Flavor Flav: That’s right early start and guess what and I have a great finish right now. [Laughs] Yessir!
Now, I don't know if that really counts as "losing his virginity," but it's still some fucked up shit. When I was six, I was playing with my Barbies in the bushes, not doing sexy sexy times!
Some things should be kept to yourself. Foofy Foofy doing sex at six is one of them, and me playing with Barbies in the bushes is the other.
Page Six is reporting that Flavor of Love 3 is turning out to be the fakest season of all. Apparently, right after season 2 of the show finished filming, Foofy Foofy got a different chick pregnant and proposed marriage to her. Foofy never even called season 2 winner, Deelishis.
A source said, "He decided he was in love with her and they got engaged. He never even bothered to call Deelishis after the reunion show. He has a fiancée he's in love with and doesn't want to cheat on, but he'd already cashed his check that VH1 gave him for season three - and the show resurrected his career. He was dead broke before, so he's doing it for his family."
A rep for Vh1 said, "Flav is not engaged. It's true he's on his eighth child but, as he's said in the past, he'd like 10. So there's two more to go."
I'm still surprised to hear that chicks out there would actually do him. The reverse cowgirl must be their favorite position with him. Frankly, who cares if the show is fake! It's about the skanks and whores anyway. It's not about him at all. They could remove him from the show completely and I would still watch it.
BONUS! Here's a hilarious video from MediaTakeOut of ShorTee going off on Vh1 and Foofy Foofy. ShorTee was one of the first to be eliminated. She was infamous for that amazing underbite. She goes on and on talking shit on him in this video. She blasts his skin color and Brigitte Nielsen. She also wants to thank all her "fans." Sweetie, you should have said "fan." I'm pretty sure that's me. I'm your only fan. LOVE HER. Foofy needs to bring her applehead back!
Foofy Foofy is back and this time he means business. "Flavor of Love 3" got started last night and something seemed different. Don't get me wrong, there's the usual tricks, but these girls seemed less.....trashy? I guess that's not saying much, but I'm used to drunk fights on night one! The only major battle that went down last night was between Shy (who is everything but) and Bee-Ex. Shy blasted Bee-Ex for not wanting to have kids right away, because Shy is ready to give Foofy Foofy lots of children. Yeah, she's got that uterus ready. Shy even goes to tell Foofy Foofy that Bee-Ex obviously isn't here for him, because she doesn't want kids. Um....who is actually there for Foofy? Did they take a good look at him?
Above are some of my favorite girls from the night including the twins. These two are scaring the hell out of me. Foofy names them "Thing 1 & Thing 2" after the characters from one of his favorite books "Cat in the Hat." How romantic.
My favorite girl of the evening was cut at the end. Ain't that a bitch! Her name was Shore-Tee and homegirl was BEAT. I don't know where the hell they found her. It looks like she came directly from the jail! I mean I swear I've seen this hooker on the track before. Why did he have to do Shore-Tee and her massive underbite like that? Her head game is probably whack!
Foofy also kicked two of the BBWs out the door. What does he have against big girls? Although, Peechee walked into the wrong show. I think she made a wrong turn while on her way to a Tyra Banks Show taping. She didn't belong there.
Right now, I'm going to call final 3 as Hotlanta, Prancer and Shy. Unless, they pull a Flavor of Love 2 and bring back New York AGAIN! I wouldn't doubt it.
There were a lot of great moments from this week's "Crack Rock of Love." I've picked two and the first involves a challenge where the girls have to try and get Bret excited with a little phone sex action. Magdalena decides to serenade Bret with a song and I swear she's giving Barry White a run for his money. Bitch sounds like she has nuts of steel and she probably does!
My second favorite clip involves a fight between Erin and Brandi. Brandi is jealous of Erin and her "circus tits" winning one of the challenges and so she goes after her. The fight is pretty average, until Erin tells Brandi that she's only pretty in the "meth world" and also brings up her "meth scratched face." AHAHAHAH! Brandi leaves the room and starts crying, because I guess she got her "meth scars" from a car accident.
Brandi should've thought about that before picking a fight with Erin. Erin is a nasty skank, but she's so right. Brandi is only hot in the meth world.
I'm also quite upset that we will never hear Tiffany say "Don't threaten me with a good time" again. How could Bret get rid of her?!
I want my money back!