Brawls

Almost every person I know who is into NYC-born rapper/singer Azealia Banks is gay (Side note: I just need to let it be known that the only Banks whose team I'm on is Hilary Banks.), but some of the gay community turned on her and yanked on her Daryl-Hannah-in-Splash weave when she threw around the other f bomb on Twitter last night.

The messiness all started when Azealia, who is known for popping off at her rivals on Twitter, threw a subtle diss at rapper Angel Haze when she tweeted: "Seriously, if you were not born and raised in NY ... DON'T CLAIM NY. YOU ARE NOT A NEW YORKER." Because both of them needed the press, Angel Haze shot back and the two went at it like two 8th graders pulling each other's hair in front of the cafeteria. Azealia and Angel Haze (which sounds like the worst smelling Victoria's Secret fragrance ever) then took their fight to Garage Band by hitting each other with their own diss tracks. Then right after Azealia threw more hate at Angel Haze for having the Flatiron District on her chest, Perez Hilton poked his head into the fight when he tweeted this: "You got something against girls with small breasts???"

And then Azelaia turned her back to Angel, put another layer of Crisco on her face, dipped her glued-up hands in broken glass and went after Perez. The two scratched at each other's faces and shit got really serious when she called him a "messy faggot." Perez was shocked and appalled by this since we all know that the other f bomb has never fallen off his tongue before. Here's the gist of their flame war:

So if I look up "messy faggot" in Azealia's Dictionary, there will be a picture of Perez Hilton next to the definition: "a male who acts like a cunt." THE HELL? As a gay dude who IS a cunt, I am extremely offended by this and need a personal apology from that troll Azealia right away. Azealia did issue a non-apology last night and then when she woke up this morning, she didn't back down:

Oh, Twitter, turning "celebrities" into dumb bitches since 2006.

via Towleroad, Gawker, Buzzfeed and Complex

It's been much too long since we've watched tricks and tramps get messy and foolish in the middle of a restaurant. But this time, bitches didn't get crazy in a Denny's (shocking) and it didn't go down in Amurca. The Asians of Toronto are representing the fuckery this time. While Hurricane Sandy snatches weaves, exposes illegal tourist hotels, causes ConEd explosions, squirts up the subway stations and continues to be a real bitch, watch these Asians create a man-made disaster by getting messy in a Vietnamese restaurant. I want to say they're whoopin' each other's asses Gangnam-style, but I'm pretty sure most of them are Vietnamese. Plates are flying! Jackets are coming off! Waitresses are stepping in!

The star of this video isn't the dude shouting Worldstar over and over again, it's the exquisite and delicate Asian flower with the mane of white blond hair. Of course that hair is all-natural. I used to think that the natural white blond Asian was just a myth like lesbian unicorns, but this video shows me that they exist in real-life. And they're even more graceful, demure and refined than I imagined. I bet her nipples are made of cubic zirconia. She's THAT genteel.

(Thanks, Jenn)

Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It's not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It's that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.

So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue's November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.

"I would love to go on a date. You don't think that? I'm a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point."

Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I'm tired of him and his friends all up in my house.

"No one asks. Trust me on that. I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me. I'm going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking."

Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.

About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they're totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:

"(fans are) not on the inside. They can't see what I see, unless they're sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that."

Translation: You can't see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I'm more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There's a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman's cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody's been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it's on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can't hear Brad's blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to...love it and even...be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie's cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don't know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.

White Oprah recently told the NYDN that she never EVER parties with her daughter, which is why she partied with her daughter in NYC early this morning. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah left the Electric Room at the Dream Hotel at around 4 and were driving back to Long Island when they started yelling at each other in the car. When they got to White Oprah's Long Island crack den, they started doing what most cracked out, drunken daughters do with their cracked out, drunken mother: they brawled! To quote the poet Aviva Drescher from The Real Housewives of NYC: "You're both white trash, quite frankly!"

Who ever called 911 (SPOILER ALERT: their family dealer) told the operator that LiLo had a cut on her leg and White Oprah broke one of her bracelets during their fight. The caller also told the operator that White Oprah and the driver kept LiLo in the car against her own will. The cops thanked both LiLo and White Oprah for keeping them in business and then took a domestic incident report, but didn't arrest anybody.

These low-rent, gutter slime hags really think they're Christina and Joan Crawford:

Try again, whores! LiLo and White Oprah could never bring it like Christina and Joan.

But seriously, this is just sad. It's a tragic day when a ho turns on her pimp over the last bump in an 8-ball. Especially since if it wasn't for the pimp teaching the ho how to give a sloppy beej in a club bathroom for an 8-ball, they wouldn't have that 8-ball in the first place! It hurts me thinking about how White Oprah broke a glass bong on the wall to cut a bitch up. That was a Lohan family heirloom. Oh, White Oprah, if you want to win the Pimp of the Year Award at the Players Ball this year, get your ho in check!

UPDATE: Some source tells Radar that White Oprah and LiLo got into a tussle over money. LiLo gave White Oprah $40,000 after partying in the club and during their road home she decided she wanted it back. Well, well, well... I see that the ho is getting bold and didn't want to give her pimp a cut of the pussy peddling money she made.

Keith Urban's got wig burns all over his face today and it's all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don't want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.

TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:

Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”

Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”

Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”

Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”

Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”

Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn't some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.

Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

And I'm responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

UPDATE: And here's TMZ's transcript of this beautiful wreck:

Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don't lose your head. Don't lose your head (inaudible). Don't tell me I'm a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I'm-ma take it back, and if you've got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I'm not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.

Princess Beatrice's 11-year-old Norfolk terrier Max is laid up in the Royal infirmary with a jacked up ear and shank marks on his face, because he was straight jumped by The Queen's gang of not-the-one Corgis. Yeah, go ahead and add "The Queen's Corgis" under the Crips and the Bloods on the list of gangs not to fuck around with.

The Telegraph says that during a walk through The Queen's castle in Scotland, her six Corgis got "overexcited" when Max joined their group and attacked his ass. The Queen's dog boy (not to be confused with Camilla) tried to break those bitches up, but it was too late and Max was left yelping in pain like the time he walked in on Prince Charles fresh out of the shower. Cut to the source:

"The Queen's dog boy was taking the corgis for a walk and they were joined by the Norfolk terriers, which came with Prince Andrew. They were being taken along the long corridor leading to the Tower Door before being let into the grounds for a walk, and they all became overexcited. They began fighting among themselves and unfortunately the dog boy lost control. The next thing we knew there were horrific yelps and screams and it seems the corgis picked on Max. He was very badly injured and had to be taken to the local vet. There was blood everywhere.

The Queen and the Duke were very upset when they were told but the dog is really Beatrice's and she wasn't there either. She later came up to Scotland and has been looking after Max. He was very lucky to survive. I heard the Princess was very upset because another of her Norfolk terriers, Millie, died from natural causes just a week or so before."

Because this source uses the word "overexcited," it sounds like those nasty Corgis got lipstick, tried to get sexy with Max and when Max let them know he doesn't like them like that, they roughed a poor bitch up. And this source needs to stop lying for The Queen, because you know she was there. The Queen is not going to miss a good brawl. She was probably there hollerin' at her Corgis like, "Whoop that trick, ese!"

Poor Max, but I'm sure Princess Bea will defend his honor. Those bitchy Corgis think they got the last bite, but they're wrong. Never mess with a Princess who can leave a bite mark on your face just by flinching at you while flaring her giant Chiclet teeth.

A strange thing happened at WIP nightclub in NYC last night, Chris Brown raged at a person and the person was not a woman. Just when you think you start to know the world, it does something like this. Both TMZ and Media Takeout say that Drake's entourage got into a bottle-throwing bitch brawl with Fist Brown's entourage over RiRi's Entenmann's pussy. Yeah, so can you tell your office label maker to please make a label for this file that reads: Dumb ho fights dumb ho over dumb ho. Thank you.

The rumor is that RiRi is patting her vagina with the peens of both Chris Brown and Wheelchair Jimmy. So there was douche-ified tension in the room last night when both of those bitches showed up with their crews. Fist tried to break the awkwardness by sending a bottle over to Wheelchair Jimmy's table. A source tells MTO that Wheelchair Jimmy responded by returning the bottle to sender with the note: “I'm fucking the love of your life, deal with it." Being the spoiled mound of toddler dingles that he is, Chris Brown busted into a tantrum, got in Drake's face and that's when Drake started throwing punches. If the person Chris is brawling against doesn't have a vagina, he's not quite sure how to handle it. So as he scratched his head wondering what to do, someone from Wheelchair Jimmy's gang beat that bitch in the face with a bottle several times. The blood of the rabid beaver sprayed everywhere.

Club security broke up the fight and the police were called. But when the cops showed up, Drake and Chris were already gone. Chris then jumped on Twitter and tweet whined about the fight before putting up this gross picture of the sign of Wheelchair Jimmy on his chin. (Note: That's Chris' nose ring and not a piece of a tampon string or a weird-looking coke flake). Chris' stupid ass obviously doesn't know that when you tweet it, they will screen grab it, because after raging on Twitter he deleted everything. But the evidence had already been captured by then. Behold, the parade of n-words:

How u party wit rich niggas that hate? Lol... Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!

Niggas is pussy!

Bottles? It's nothing. Lol

Niggas throwing bottles! Y'all niggaz weak!

Niggas hiding in the bathroom bitch ass niggas!

Ok! Niggas stand behind security!!!! Ok! U don't pay them enough!

If you read that as, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OK!" you still read it right. "Throwing bottles like girls?" Yeah, because real men throw punches at girls.

I want to open my mouth to laugh at that picture, but I'm afraid of what will come out while I'm staring deep up into Chris Brown's nostrils. I also want to do a wheelie for Team Wheelchair Jimmy, but I can't. I'll just sit with Team Bottle, because it's the only reasonable one in this situation.

And here's RiRi sashaying around NYC last night.

Ooooh, breakup by text, you have just been demoted to level #2 on the coldest shit you can do scale. Pilar Sanders, the apparently soon to be ex-wife of the legendary football great Deion Sanders, says she found out about their impending divorce on TMZ.com.  Ho-lee-shit. Stock in Ben N' Jerry's and Smith and Wesson just bounced off the charts.

According to TMZ, his wife's lawyer says, "Pilar's sole focus and top priority for the last 12.5 years has been her marriage and children. Based on recent discoveries, [Pilar] now realizes that Deion did not view their family the same way." OUCH. And translation: Deion, just do the right thing and open that wallet. Breaking up with your wife of 12 years and baby mama via internet? New low. *slow claps and writes that down as how to do shit WRONG*

Damn, Deion.  I would think after 12 years, and stretching her body out for your babies, you could at least send her an email.  This bitch is gonna get half plus child support, and you have nobody but your soul-less ass to thank for it.  Enjoy driving around in your Geo Metro!  And RIP common decency. Team Pilar and Deions' babies.

Besides the DMV, Denny's, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn't Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I'm there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn's main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA's baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he's a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn't know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

"That actress." Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil's ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I'm kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would've been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should've beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke 'em up with his baton.