Tom Brady

The look of confusion is covering Tom Brady's face this morning as he stares at the brush and a bottle of Dep gel, because he has to do his own hair this morning since Gisele Bundchen is busy with more important things like taking care of her newborn baby friend. Sometime yesterday, Gisele's second kid checked out of her womb, sashayed down the internal catwalk called her birth canal and fell into a pool of Evian. Gisele posted a picture of a new baby hand and announced on Facebook last night that she birthed out her second kid and Tom Brady's third.

We feel so lucky to have been able to experience the miracle of birth once again and are forever grateful for the opportunity to be the parents of another little angel. Vivian Lake was born at home on December 5. She is healthy and full of life. Thank you all for your support and well wishes. We wish you and your families many blessings .

Nos sentimos abençoados por poder experimentar o milagre do nascimento mais uma vez e somos eternamente gratos pela oportunidade de sermos pais de outro pequeno anjinho. Vivian Lake nasceu em casa, no dia 5 de dezembro. Ela é saudável e cheia de vida.
Obrigada a todos pelo suporte e boas vibrações. Desejamos a vocês e suas famílias muitas bênçãos.

Vivian Lake (which sort of sounds like the name of Veronica Lake's brunette sister)! Get it? Vivian Lake. Gisele had a water birth, so Vivian was practically born in a lake! If you're thinking that Gisele and Tom should've been more accurate and named her Vivian Bathtub or Vivian Kiddie Pool, you're thinking wrong. Gisele and Tom have a lake in their backyard, pretty much, and I'm sure that's where Vivian was born.

And that headline is totally wrong. I'm sure that as soon as Vivian Lake fell out of her body, a suction cup sound was heard as her stomach went flat again. The breastfeeding officer of the world is probably already back in a thong.

Here's an 8 month pregnant Gisele in Miami early last month.

As Gisele Bundchen did the walk of sadness through the stadium after her husband Tom Brady lost out on his tenth million Super Bowl ring and a bonus that was going to pay for a water slide in his $20 million mansion (Tom Brady is not weeee-ing today. Sadface.gif.), some Giants fans heckled her ass by saying that Eli Manning owned her husband. Instead of telling her haters that Tom gets to go home and dry his losing tears on the chichis of a Brazilian supermodel, she complained to her friends that the blame goes to her husband's teammates. The Insider (via Hollywood Life) posted the video that I'm sure is going to convince the owners of the Patriots to fire all the coaches and hire Gis instead! This is the subtle stream of bitchery that slipped out of Gis' mouth:

"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Somebody told me that since Tom has been with Gis, he's been 0-2 and he was on some kind of winning streak before that. So GINXELLE needs to blame herself. No, no, Gis really needs to blame God for this. Gis used the Catholic prayer tool known as the chain mail to get God on Team Pats and she was shut down. So Eli Manning didn't own Tom Brady, God did when he hit the "return to sender" button on all those prayers.

Multi-millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen went to the e-mail room in her $20 million custom built dream mansion and wrote a note to her family and friends asking them to ask the lord above to help her multi-millionaire quarterback husband win his fourth Super Bowl ring on Sunday. The New York Post somehow got a hold of the e-mail (SPOILER ALERT: They prayed for it) and published it on their cover this morning:

My sweet friends and family,

This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .

I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.

So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)”

What a selfish bitch. Doesn't Gis know that it's award season? It's God's busiest time of year, even busier than Christmas (side note: Does God call Christmas "Sonmas"?)! God doesn't have time to listen to Gis' family, because he's too busy sending "you're welcome" cards to all the actors and musicians who thanked him in their speeches. Oh, Gis.

But seriously, I would say a prayer for Tommy on Gis' behalf, but I've used up all my prayers today on a much more important matter. I've been praying that if the woman in this NSFW vintage news clip hasn't gotten what she was wishing for, that she gets it soon.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

It's already hard for me to look at Tom Brady, because he has the exact same haircut as the little snide bitch in my 2nd grade class who asked me if I had vagina (Which dim dumb me said "yes" to, because I wasn't really sure what a vagina was. The junior twat got me that time.). But now I really have to make my lids hug my eyeballs whenever I see him on the street (since I always see Tom Brady on the streets of real life), because his full name and soul print now shows up on ADP's payroll list of all of Satan's employees!

Hell's second footwear of choice already siphons out the spirit of Midwestern tweens and whory Malibu moms (who wear that mess with coochie cutters and see-through cotton shirts) through the bottom of their feet, and now they're going after men. And Tom Brady is helping them to carry out their dork-sided (Never 4 Get God Warrior) plans!

With a precious bob haircut like that, Tom should be using his beauty to sell Dutch Boy Paint, Easy Bake Ovens or Subarus. Not whoring for Illuminatiwear. But the only thing keeping me from switching out Tom's pomade with gel made from the Blood of Christ is the fact that he's never actually seen wearing UGGs in that commercial. Maybe a centaur of the ninth circle is his UGGsdouble. And by a "centaur of the ninth circle" I mean Gisele.

via HuffPo

Don't think that when Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen go down to Mexico for a hot vacation, they spend most of their time slapping each other's nalgas and biting at each other's nips in the jacuzzi. Nope. The real action is on the slide! Just look at our brave, big boy go down the slide all by himself! If you're on the west coast, your ears probably twitched from his squeals and you figured either a John Travolta was getting stuffed or a Kardashian was releasing herself from her Spanx cocoon. (It sounded like this).

And when Tom Brady landed in the pool, he got all confused and scared, and started flopping around like a drowning puppy. Gis let out a sigh, rolled her eyes, waded over to him, pulled him up by his Dutch Boy bob, blew the water out of his eyes and then put on his water wings with her other hand. After she dropped him back into the water, she felt a warmness cover her leg just as Tom started to giggle. You know what that means. No flan for dessert for Tom!

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

Above is the answer to the question: who is the beat scared of? It's Tom Brady dancing by himself at Carnival in Rio! Tom is getting it and then some. Dude is moving like a grandma whose laxative just kicked in while she's trying to climb a ladder. This ALMOST makes up for the fact that all of Tom's hotness is slowly draining out of the greasy spout of hair on the back of his head. But Tom will keep winning me over with his herp derp bounce.

And here's Tom relaxing on the balcony of his hotel with Gis after a night of shaking his shit.