Jude Law

I know your nipples knobs are barely hanging on to your areolas since you almost rubbed them off while eye drooling at those pictures of a topless Sean Penn looking like Tarzan's drunk uncle who shoots his arms veins up with homemade roids, but I'm sure you will find a way to rub your nipples some more to these pictures of Jude Law getting wet in Maui.

I totally would for 3 reasons:

1. If you waxed that pussy muff on top of his head, he'd have a glorious hairline like Beetlejuice after a haircut. Or like the dude from Love It or List It.

2.  Jude's chest fur looks like a hairy shadow and it only accentuates his man pecs.

3. I'm guessing that the carpet matches the drapes and by that I mean, Jude totally prunes his crotch bush into the shape of a Batman mask so it matches his hairline.

And all those 3 things put together = SWOOOOON right out of your chonies.

Either Jude Law is smuggling a cremini mushroom in his swim trunks or his peen head is pressed up against his shorts and is giving the cameras some FACE. If I tilt my head to the side, I think I can see it saying "prune" to the cameras.

Here's Jude Law making a "Get in mah belly!" pose (or maybe he's making a "Say hello to my little friend" pose) while doing vacation stuff in the South of France over the weekend. Yes, Jude Law is a million worlds away from looking like the girl-faced Twinkie from Wilde, but this is what happens when dozens of birthdays go by. The beef comes on and hair starts growing out of your asshole. So with that being said, I so would. How can you say no to a piece who's got a mutton chop beard, a puzzle piece hairline and a hairy tit stache?

And if you're ever riding on Jude Law and can't take your eyeballs off of his chichis swaying to and fro, the hairy arrow on his body will remind you that his eyes are up there.

Just like straight unicorns, Courtney Love's sanity and Kathy Griffin's belly button, Jude Law's natural hairline hasn't been seen in a long time and many of us were starting to believe it was just a figment of our imagination. Jude Law has been covering up his bat ears hairline with hats, plugs and Sienna Miller's (NSFW) unused vagine wiglet for years. But you can cancel that Amber Alert for his natural hairline, because he proudly brought it out at last night's Paris premiere of Sherlock Holmes 2. Jude Law stepped in front of the cameras and bravely said, "My name is Jude Law and the front of my hair looks like the crotch of a 70s lady porn star."

My dad's hair was just like him, hardly around and pretty much nonexistent, but every dude on my mom's side of the family is the opposite. They all have full bear muffs on their head. So it could go either way for me. But if I end up like my dad and have a head like an abandoned Chia Pet's ass, I'll probably just go with it. You know, shave it all off and use glitter lube as head moisturizer. Turn my bald ass head into a party ass head. But I would miss the whole hair pulling thing. Somebody should really make a stick-on fake ponytail so a bald bitch can still partake in some hair-pulling fun.

Call off the hounds and cancel the order for your Detective La Toya Kit from Amazon, because the search for Jude Law's refugee hairline has finally come to an end. Jude Law's hairline has been on milk cartons everywhere for years now, but it finally turned up on the top of his lip and he worked that furry caterpillar as he left the Donmar Warehouse in London where he's starring in the play Anna Christie. I guess Jude's hairline and the rest of his head's follicles decided they needed some time apart, so it moseyed on down south to spend some ME time alone.

Sometimes, an above-the-lip landing strip makes a dude look like a dirty panty sniffer who has to check in with the local authorities every time he visits a new city, but sometimes it makes a dude look like a non-paid extra in a burglary scene from a 1970s gay porn. Jude falls into the latter category, so it works for me. You should try to ignore the fact that Jude's t-shirt duo looks like something your auntie would wear to the club and focus on the positive. Jude's stache can exfoliate your upper ass area as he tosses ze salad. That's some full service stuff right there.

You know, I'm going to stop making fun of Jude's front head area, because it is very special and doesn't deserve mockery from a bitter old bitch blogger. It can do something the rest of his body can't do: not grow hair.

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it's a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh's unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet's population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer's pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

With a thin layer of bald head balm SPF slathered on his head, Jude Law proved that he's the anti-Travolta by going toupee-free in Cannes yesterday afternoon. Jude is wig-free and loving it! I don't blame the former hair citizens on Jude's head, though. Would you rather be sitting on Jude's head or would you rather uproot and mosey down south to sit next to his lucky penny areolas? Exactly.

Besides, that little powder puff of hair on top of his head is sort of cute. Some might see it as a ball of sad without any friends. Not Me. I see it as an afro wig for a giant's clitoris. And who doesn't love clit wigs?

As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica's curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn's finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.

I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked "orange chicken" at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he'll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.

It's Carnival time in Rio and everyone from Jude Law to Gisele Bundchen to Pamela Anderson to Tom Brady are partying until their puzzle piece hairlines fall off (in Jude's case) or until their faces fall off (in Gisele's case) or until their labias fall off (in Pammy's case) or until their ponytails fall off (in Tom's case).

Jude Law started things off by getting himself a mouth full of Brazilian TV hostess Hebe Carmengo in the VIP Box. I'm sorry to say, but Jude and Sienna never made this kind of heat when their lips touched. It's getting so hot that the hairs left on Jude's head are about to scurry down south to his chest where it's cooler. Hotter than if Charlie Sheen's flame throw-hands fisted Heat Miser in the middle of a volcano.

And then the face of Canadian beauty Pamela Anderson cooled things off when she glided into the room like a fresh Spring breeze jumping off the petals of a daisy. Pamela was there with a new piece and nearly threw beads made of UGH at the audience when her DIY dress nearly exposed her danger zone.

As for Gis and Tom, the things dudes will grow to get some chocha. That ponytail makes Tom look like Samantha Ronson's less attractive sister who is addicted to Pabst and male hormones.

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller's bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don't bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn't any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude's rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes' homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively's acts of ho shit are laughable. It's like they're all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I'm sure she'll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can't wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna's Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

Dressed like he's about to do early morning Tai Chi in the park, Jude Law hung out with a couple of friends on the streets of London today. Not only does Jude look like he's about to stretch with the oldies, but he's also dressed exactly like my abuelita when she would take a casual walk up the neighbor's sloped driveway and "accidentally" fall against their avocado tree causing a few ripe fruits to fall into her plastic bag from Stater Bros. Sometimes the neighbor would catch her and she'd disappear into the shrubs separating our houses like one of the "mysterious creatures" in The Village or some shit.

And it's blasphemous to bring up my abuelita and bulges in the same blog breath, but where's Jude's? Unless it's long and flat like a lasagna noodle with a crimini mushroom tip, I doubt that thing in his pocket has ever touched Sienna Miller. I think.