The bodyguard's piping hot side-eye says a million things including, "I will have to tag Adele out and jump in if that hand comes up higher," so when this picture started making the rounds after the Grammys on Sunday night, somebody made up a story that Adele read Chris Brown his rights for not standing up for his parking space rival Frank Ocean. The story was sort of (not really) believable, because Adele was dressed like an off-duty schoolmarm who is always schooling brat ass tricks, so it sort of (not really) made sense that she would scold that throbbing urethra wart. Everybody from The Sun to the Daily Mail to HuffPo picked up the "Adele tells Chris Brown off" story and ran it as the truth. But Adele stuck a needle in everyone's bubble yesterday when she said on Twitter that she wasn't slapping a trick down with her words, she was throwing him a compliment. WHA??????!???
Unless your name is Scott Peterson, Ike Turner, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen, what is there to compliment Chris Brown on? Maybe Adele complimented Chris Brown on his anorexic anaconda dick? Or maybe Adele complimented him on his toddler boys communion suit from Sears? No, Adele probably gave him a pat on the back for going a full day without whooping a trick or throwing a full-on rage fit in the middle of a parking lot. He really should get a gold star for that.
Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn't love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would've called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I'd like to think that he didn't stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn't want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.
But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn't Fist Brown refusing to stand, it's the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire's favorite outfits. Now that's some shit to stand up for.
The good news is that Adele didn't wear another black dress that made her look like an Italian widow from the 1960s. The bad news is that somebody's grandma is doing the slow wall slide while clutching her favorite rosary, because she can't take knowing that her favorite sofa in her "fancy" living room was murdered and butchered and its hide was thrown onto Adele's body. Adele showed up to the Grammys tonight wearing somebody's grandma's couch on her body. I feel like she should be covered in plastic and I bet she smells like Jean Naté and Ovaltine.
If you went to Calico Corners and sifted through the bin with all their clearance fabrics in it, I'd bet you'd find Adele's dressed in there. But I can't fully hate this look, because Adele saved it with that lip liner. When all else fails, save it with the lip liner.
Because it produced priceless moments of YAASS! like this one.
Taylor Swift was nominated for a Best Song Golden Globe for that song from The Hunger Games, which is the first song that isn't about a dude breaking her Strawberry Shortcake heart (or is it?). Adele was also nominated for "Skyfall" and anybody who was up against Adele either didn't show up or spent the night getting level 5 (aka Glenn Close) drunk, because there was no way in hell they were going to win.
To the surprise of nobody, Adele won, got on stage and gave a cute speech about how she thought she was on a little night out with her girlfriend and really wasn't expecting to shuffle away with a trophy. The camera cut to Taylor Swift making a perfect "Shut up, bitch, you lie" face. The smirk really sealed it for me.
Who knew that Taylor Swift's emotions turn to the dark side when she doesn't win anything and doesn't get a chance to perform her over-rehearsed OMGICANTBELIEVEIWONOMG act. It's magic. Then later in the night, a fake drunk Tina Fey told Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J Fox's son. It was funny, because it was true. In the 5 seconds it took Tina to tell that joke, I bet Taylor had already wooed Michael J. Fox's son, married him, divorced him and wrote the break-up song. In 5 seconds. And the camera man who didn't get Taylor's reaction to Tina's joke is probably at the bottom of his shower, beating himself over the head with a soapy puff for not getting the shot of all shots.
Here's some pictures of Adele, Michael J. Fox with his family and Taylor Swift who is trying hard to give of us some side tit.
Lady GaGa, seen here on Halloween putting the skunk in skunk weed, wants to know why the media poked at her when she gained a few pounds, but they never make fun of Adele's body situation. While talking to Stylist (via ONTD) about her new fragrance, the conversation switched from make-up to Adele. CaCa started out by saying that women need to stop being cold bitches to each other:
I think women are just, for no reason, wretched to each other all the time, and I don’t think they use clothes or men or perfume or make-up or anything more than they use anything else. We should all make an effort to be nice to one another all the time.
And then CaCa really demonstrated the kind Girl Power she subscribes to when she gave Adele a backhanded compliment while talking about that sBody Revolution shit.
I've realised I don’t have to do very much anymore but make music, because my fans do it all for me. They carry the message so far. Ever since they saw how much Born This Way could affect people, they wanted to do more and have that sort of space of kindness and compassion. I was acutely aware of some photos on the internet – my mum called me and was like, “Did you gain weight?” – everybody was telling me about it, and I didn't really care. But when I heard it was on the news, where they talk about wars, the economy crashing and the election – I just thought, ‘This is f*cking ridiculous.’ I mean, what kind of example is that to a young girl sitting at home? I thought, well I don’t really care if they think I’m fat, because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me, how come nobody says anything about it? She’s so wonderful and I think her confidence is something I have to match. She has set the bar very high for a lot of woman. I need to be a confident woman and just say politically active things when I can that are helpful to young people.
If CaCa was trying to say that Adele's career is bigger than hers, then she was speaking the truth.
CaCa must've forgotten about all those times people talked about Adele's weight. She must've forgotten about the time some of her Little Monsters sat in the mental hospital computer lab and let out fat joke after fat joke about Adele. And CaCa definitely forgot about how Kunty Karl said Adele should lose a few and how there's been article after article about Adele's weight. It slipped CaCa's mind. But in CaCa's defense, her head is always stuck up her own ass and that does cause memory loss.
(Pic via CaCa's Facebook)
After what felt like the shortest making of a celebrity baby in the history of celebrity baby making, Adele gave birth to a baby on Friday night. Nurses and doctors at the hospital in Britain where she popped her first kid out were seen crying sad tears into a bowl of cake batter and lost dreams, because even Adele's birthin' yodel sounds like a sad, sad love song. The Sun says that 24-year-old Adele returned from the moon to birth out her first kid with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. The Daily Mail asked Adele's rep about this, but Adele's rep did what most of us are doing on this Hangover Sunday. Adele's rep rolled over on their side in their bed, screamed at the DM to get them a cheesy bagel and then ordered everyone to stop putting words in their ears.
"We are not releasing a statement at this time. No comment."
So we don't have a name or any other highly important details. The only thing we do know is that Adele's baby is in his crib, currently humming out a song about breaking up with his mom's womb. It will be debut #1 on iTunes in 15 countries and Grey's Anatomy will play it during a montage in their next episode.
Adele and a Bond song go together like an angora sweater and uncovered nipples and gnats and Mama June's forklift foot, so naturally they asked her to write and holler out the theme song for Skyfall. A piece of it leaked earlier this week, but here's the whole thing. Adele sings about a sky falling and other stuff like that. Even though this song isn't about Bond dumping her ass or leaving her for a ho who is half her age, I still fully expect to hear about grown women choking on the tears trickling into their mouth as they sing out this song in their car while parked in front of their ex-boyfriend's house. Adele's voice just has that kind of effect on a bitch. Adele could sing "Get Happy" and it would still end up in everyone's iTunes playlist labeled "songs to commit su-wee-sides to." (A Chinese exchange student at my high school pronounced "suicide" as "su-wee-sides" and nobody ever told her otherwise, because it just felt right in the ears.)
No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.
This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:
1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million
Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.
Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.
Just when I thought that this Friday would be like every other day this week, slower than Kristen Stewart, the news keeps pouring out. The drought is over (today at least). First we hear that Katie Holmes has finally crawled out of Scientology's asshole and now Adele tells us that she's knocked up. Adele announced on her site today that she's going to have her first baby with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. And today is one of those days where I don't even give a fuck that Adele launched herself over the moon while writing this statement on her iPad. Bitch only gets one OTM warning, though, and this is it!
Im delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx
Everybody should respect Adele's privacy at this precious time, but only because she's going to yodel out every detail about it in her next album anyway. Adele is going to go from singing about getting burned by a lovah to singing about making babies. I can already see the song titles...Spermin' in the Deep, Chasing Pampers, Set Fire to the Nappies, etc....
Here's Adele and her piece Simon and their first child, a puppy, earlier this year.
I'm back and I'm down 2 wizdumb teeth. The most painful part was that the dentist's office played John Mayer for most of it. The best part was when the dentist yanked out a cavity-ridden toof and said, "Have you ever had anything this nasty in your mouth before?" without knowing what kind of slut he was talking to. If dead, bloody, janked up wisdom teeth had mouths, mine would've used its to bust out a laugh at that question.
The best way for me to cleanse my ears of the sound of cracking teeth and John Mayer gargling used douche water in the background is with Celine Dion yodeling out Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" during one of her recent shows at Caesars in Las Vegas. Celine is like a singing block of French Canadian cheese, but she does this shit justice. When the angels reach orgasm and open their mouths, the sound of Celine singing Adele comes out. But that could be the Vicodin kicking in.
Recently, my friend and I had a drunken conversation (or maybe I had the drunken conversation with myself, I don't know) about "Rolling in the Deep" and he asked me if that shit was about butt sex. When she sings, "We could have had it all?" is she singing about that intense moment when the peen is just a few inches from going all the way in, but you're like, "Nope. Not today. Back it up." I bet that when Celine sings this song, that's the exact image she thinks of.