Chris Hemsworth

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You'd think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can't say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy's ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, "Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle." A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, "They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess' sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy's definitely a squirter.

Things we don't need: from Hollywood: A sequel to Ho White and The Cuntsman. 

Things Hollywood will give us anyway, because they know we'll throw our money at them if they make it shiny: A sequel to Ho White and The Cuntsman. 

The Hollywood Reporter says that because Snow White and The Huntsman made almost $400 million worldwide, Universal is planning a sort of sequel. I say "sort of" sequel, because the Snow White in Snow White and The Huntsman won't be in the next movie. Universal probably thinks that if they put Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders on the same set again, those two whores will spend all their time dry humping each other's faces in her trailer and the movie will never get made (that's not a bad thing). So Universal has taken a red Sharpie and scribbled a giant L (short for lip-biting home wrecker whore) on KStew's face before kicking her out of the sequel. Universal's sequel will be all about The Huntsman. So basically, it's going to be a day at the ren faire with Thor.

David Koepp, who wrote the first movie, has also been kicked out, because the sequel has become something other than the movie they hired him to write. Universal hasn't hired a director for the sequel, but Rupert Sanders is still on a list of possibilities.

But wait. Universal tells The Los Angeles Times that The Hollywood Reporter's story isn't exactly made of 100% truthfulness. They say that yes, they are working on a movie about The Huntsman, but Kristen Stewart's Snow White might still be in it. My guess is that Snow White will only be the first part. You know, Snow White will be caught getting her pussy eaten by a married dwarf in Cinderella's pumpkin car and they'll banish that slut to the Whore Forest.

No, I don't think we need a movie about The Huntsman, but I will approve of it as long it's nothing but 2 hours of Chris Hemsworth carrying a baby (see old pictures from July below). Or Chris Hemsworth can carry a dwarf or a bag of crab apples for 2 hours. I don't care about the details as long as he's cradling something in his "anaconda swallowing a warthog" arms.

There's really nothing to say about these pictures of Chris Hemsworth making waves jizz by humping them (yes, that's how sea foam is made) in Maroubra and pictures of him making eyes jizz by strolling around the pool area of his Sydney hotel in a towel. It was a wonderful weekend to be a wave.... and Thor's surfboard.... and Thor's towel. Thor's hammer poking at his wetsuit tells me that he's not "happy" to see us, but he is sort of "meh" to see us and that's more than we could ever ask for.

And DAMN at those arms. Dude could win an arm wrestling match against a marble statue. I bet if you butt humped one Thor's made-of-stone arms, it would make sparks. It was also polite of Thor to define the shit out of that V muscle. I mean, the V muscle only exists to give you a place to put your hands while giving a beej. What a gentleman that Thor is.

Here's Kristen Stewart teaching the children why we have a middle finger at the London premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman tonight. Something tells me that three seconds before this picture was taken, Charlize Theron told Kristen that even if she stuffed that dress into a bong, she still wouldn't toke it up and that's saying everything. Chris Hemsworth agrees! That doesn't look like a dress on Kristen's body, that looks like ceiling mold found in a hoarders house. Kristen needs to take that middle finger and direct it at the ho who told her that making her chest look like it's slowly being eaten by a black fungus IS the look. Bitch looks like Gozer the Gozerian's slow cousin who sniffed too much paint thinner as a child. I know Kristen Stewart has the personality of a corpse, but that doesn't mean she has to look like a decaying corpse on the outside. And throwing sparkles on it doesn't magically make it the look.

On a positive note, Charlize looks hot as usual. On another positive note, I'm sure at least a couple of children at the premiere now know how to properly flip a trick off and that is a beautiful thing.