Crazy

And after what felt like weeks of silence, Amanda is awake and is spreading the foolery once again.

Two of InTouch Weekly's photographers somehow got invited to a party at Amanda Bynes' Manhattan apartment and while there, they took pictures of her SHOCKING and DISTURBING drug den. Jezebel scanned the pictures and I posted them below, but if you're expecting to see the floors covered with bloody needles, mountains of coke, the body parts of hitchhikers, broken light bulbs, the carcasses of strung out rats, an overdosed Pete Doherty, empty morning after pill containers, Twilight DVDs (crackheads LOVE watching Twilight) and pieces of burnt foil, you're going to be disappointed. Because Amanda Bynes' so-called drug den is a sad excuse for a drug den. My apartment looks more like a drug den than hers does (the leather sofa, empty bags of Hot Fries and apple cinnamon-scented Glade candle gives me away).

Photographer Giovanni Arnold says that Amanda was obviously floating through another world, because she was mentally out of it. All she did was smoke weed, put on her make-up in the bathroom mirror, dance and smoke some more. Giovanni says that the inside of her apartment looked like the inside of Snoop Dogg's head, because there was weed everywhere. Weed on the bed, weed on the floor, weed on the ceiling, weed on the walls, etc.... But before you go thinking that Amanda Bynes lives in a weed wonderland, Giovanni says she has "bad weed." All that Nickelodeon money and she's still buying some shit that's worse than ditch weed? How dreadful.

Giovanni said that she barely has any furniture and two windows in her living room are spray painted black. So basically, her living room looks like my childhood bedroom when I was going through a goth phase for a second. Giovanni also saw Amanda snorting coke, but she later denied it to InTouch.

Amanda also denies that's her apartment, body and busted toes. Amanda raged on Twitter tonight and threatened to sue InTouch for committing apartment fraud. Amanda says that they Photoshopped everything.

That's not my bed! Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that's not my apartment, those aren't my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone's body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that's not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don't look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don't care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!

This ugly faced woman @JessicaFinnNYC is the one who bought fake photos of me & put that picture that looks nothing like me on the cover!

I really hope that some high school drama student acts out that tweet during class, because that monologue of insanity needs to be performed on a stage.

If I was Amanda Bynes, I'd fix my eyebrow situation immediately. After I did that, I'd also sue InTouch for publishing a picture of me with a jacked up joint in my mouth. They're calling out Amanda's joint-rolling skills now. It's serious.

Scottsdale, Arizona is about to lose its title as the customer service capital of the world, because one of the reigning kings of customer service, Samy Bouzaglo of Amy's Baking Company, might be sent back to his homeland. The U.S. Immigration Department might say the same shit to Samy that Crazy Amy said to a prospective customer: WE DON'T LET SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU HERE!

AZ Central says that Samy, who screamed his way into America's hearts on the already legendary episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was at a hearing in court yesterday for his ongoing immigration case that was opened 2 years ago. Samy is in danger of being thrown out of the country and sent back to Israel, because he never told immigration about how he spent time in prison for selling drugs and extorting people before he came to the U.S. 13 years ago. If you live in France or Germany, you can smile an extra smile today, because Samy can't legally enter your country, because he's banned there.

AZ Central was able to get Samy on the phone to talk about this latest mess in his mess of a life and they said that as he was talking, Crazy Amy kept screaming over him and the two fought a lot. But Samy was able to spit this out:

“The FBI knows all about me.... The IRS knows. I want people to know about me. But not today, not tomorrow. I have nothing to hide.”

Are we sure those words that came out of Samy's crazy hole and not the lyrics to Lauryn Hill's next single?

Click here if you need to see a video of Samy acting crazy when a reporter from AZ Central asked him about getting kicked out of the country.

Yesterday, Samy and Crazy Amy (born name: Crazy Amanda) re-opened Amy's Baking Company and they said they had over 1,500 reservations for the week, but barely anybody showed up. Their re-opening was a flop and the people that did show up (to see Crazy Amy's "lion on meth" crazy eyes in person) were turned away for not having a reservation. And then, Samy and Crazy Amy released this "press release" before their re-opening:

SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 -- Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.

Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.

When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.

CYBER BULLYING! For being dumb bitches, they really are a couple of crazy geniuses.

In case you you've been hungry for a small dollop of insanity from America's favorite gourmet couple Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who put the nightmare in Kitchen Nightmares, here's a video of what happened when CBS 5 News tried to ask them about their Facebook meltdown. Surprisingly enough, Amy didn't open the door, snatch that reporter and try to resell her to a human trafficking ring, because that's what America's all about. Amy dribbled out some insanity about how the news crew was trespassing and the FBI is looking into the "hacking" of their Facebook account. Maybe Crazy Amy is telling the truth, because if I was an FBI agent, I'd investigate that mess, but only so I can interview her and take in her crazy live and in person.

Then Samy came out and rambled out more nonsense before Amy screamed at him to come inside. They're the gift that keeps on giving until they're eventually dragged away to the mental institution.

In other Crazy Amy news, a lady who used to be a server at Amy's Bakery did an AMA on Reddit and said that Amy went to prison for identity fraud for 14 months.

In Amy's defense, if I was her, I'd want to be someone else too.

via Eater

Amanda Bynes tweeted these bathroom selfies of her in a bra yesterday and said that she's 135lbs and needs to be 100lbs. Somebody should tell Amanda that she really is 100lbs, because that thirsty in-need-of-an-iv-drip weave weighs at least 40 pounds.

Amanda took a little time out from her current career as a professional tweeter and selfie taker to tell InTouch Weekly that she doesn't care if people call her crazy, because the only people that call her crazy are ugly and ugly people have no place in her hot, hot world.

“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care. The only ones lying about me having a mental illness are people I don’t talk to. I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.”

I'm sure that the friends in Amanda's head life are beyond hot, but if they truly had her back, they'd tell her to stop.

Amanda also told InTouch that the homely-faced uglies say that she's a drunk pot head, but that's another lie out of the mouths of uglies, because she's allergic to alcohol and she doesn't smoke weed, she only smokes tobacco. Amanda doesn't spend her time filling the hallways of her apartment building with the sweet scent of the good shit, because she's way too busy working on her body, her fashion line and her music career.

“I’m getting in shape for all the photo shoots. I like being 100 pounds… 21 to go! I’ll design clothes and sing because I want to, not because I need the money. I love singing and I can’t wait to start working on an album.”

So if you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that the pot she smokes is tobacco, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking 135lbs is too heavy, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that only ugly people think she's crazy, you're ugly. Excuse her sanity, you ugly bitches!

Seen above as the kosher meat in a caucasian-jewish-korean manwich, Eddie Kaye Thomas, better known as Shit-Break from the American Pie movies, had to call the police yesterday afternoon after his one night trick turned into a knife-wielding crazy bitch who was once step away from boiling his bunny rabbit. Didn't Eddie Kaye Thomas learn anything from his own movies? Sometimes it's better just to stay home and fuck an apple pie from Costco.

TMZ says that Eddie picked up a trick at Mel's Diner of all places on Tuesday night and brought her back to his house in the Hollywood Hills. The next day, Eddie tried to get the trick out of his house and that's when she pulled some "I'm not going to be ignored" shit. My guess is that Eddie told her she had to leave, because he was needed on set. Even crazy bitches know that Eddie hasn't said that line truthfully since 2010.

When Eddie asked that insane trick to leave, she pulled a knife on him. Eddie ran outside and called the police. They sent the SWAT team and while they were outside of Eddie's house, the crazy bitch was inside, trashing his house. The SWAT team had to tear gas the ho to get her out. She was booked for felony vandalism after she was checked out at a hospital.

Who in the hell brings a jump-off home anymore? (If you've got a one night trick cleaning out their genitals in your bathroom sink while you're reading this, you should make a guilty face.) Yes, most of us have done it, but we still know that you're not supposed to bring a one-time fuck partner to your house. That's what the backseat of cars, alleyways, bar bathrooms and Porta Potties on construction sites are for. (Side note: Somebody should really make Porta Potties for one night stands. They can put 'em outside of all the bars. They can call 'em Porta Fuckies.)

If Eddie wanted to get that lunatic ho out fast, he should've just put on one of those direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. That will make even the craziest bitch scatter for the door.

With all that being said, you know Eddie's going to call her back for a second round, because there ain't no ass like crazy ass.

Scientologists don't believe in anti-depressants, because when they want to get happy, they fuck themselves in the butt with an e-meter can while humming the theme to Close Encounters of a Third Kind. So it's not exactly surprising that Kirstie Alley is throwing ten balls of hate at the anti-depressant Abilify for using cartoons in their commercials. The Jabba the Hutt of Scientology spent yesterday and today ranting on Twitter about how Abilify is targeting children by using cartoons. Kirstie may not have a PhD in pharmacology, but she has a PhD in batshit lunacy, so she definitely knows what she's talking about. Here's the truth according to Dr. Kirstie:

So Kirstie is hating on a pill that claims to help with depression and yet she's the member of a "religion" that claims to cure gayness? Oh, Kirstie, never stop being you. This bitch needs some Abilify. And you know, I think I'd rather suffer from dizziness and have trouble swallowing (I can't believe I just typed that, my social life is ruined) than be a Scientologist. So Kirstie, you stay worshipping an alien god and we'll stay pilled up.

via Radar

Today's edition of "Things You See When You're High On Drugs" is brought to you by Russell Crowe's UFO sighting. Russell Crowe and his friend set up a camera at his office in a suburb outside of Sydney called Woolloomooloo, because they wanted to get pictures of fruit bats flying out of the botanical gardens. When Russell and his friend looked at the pictures, they saw something that'll make  John Travolta and the other alien-loving queens at Scientology cream out their weight in panty pudding. Russell and his friend swear on the bong they smoked from that what they saw is a UFO.

It looks like a flare from a lens to me, but after Russell Crowe shared this on Twitter and some of his followers said the same thing, he set us all straight (well, even Shauna Sand's precious pearl of a pussy couldn't make me straight, but you know what I'm trying to say).

UFO? Time Lapse Photos Outside RC's Woolloomooloo Office (THESE ARE REAL!)

Canon 5D, No Flash, can't be a lense flare because it moves , camera is fixed

It's not a video it is 3 time lapse photo's taken in 4.5 seconds

I will grant you at the time the music wasn't playing, also, yes, we have pushed in on the frame..this is 3 photo's in order, nothing added

Either this is a viral ad for Canon and Russell is their new spokesdude or Russell can't handle his booze, because he mistakes tail lights for flying macaroons (it kind of looks like a glowing macaroon, right?) when he gets drunk. But in Russell's defense, if I was an alien, the first place on Earth I'd visit would be a place called Woolloomooloo.

via Buzzfeed

If you're wondering what crazy rich people who have a team of assistants and are eternally 12 on the inside did during the BLIZZARD OF ALL BLIZZARDS, here's a video Mimi made of her celebrating Christmas in February. One of Mimi's assistants went out to Connecticut, found a tiny Christmas tree and brought it back so the real-life Lisa Frank character could celebrate the holidays all over again! (We all know bitch just wanted a reason to play her Christmas album again.)

Mimi had cookies, candies, hot cocoa and friends who looked really thrilled about celebrating Christmas when they really wanted to be getting drunk and watching porn like regular people do during a snowstorm. But that's what happens when you're trapped in Mimi's world.

Happy Re-Christmas!

Megan Fox is definitely smoking the wrong stuff and she definitely smoked the wrong stuff with the dude who interviewed her for Esquire, because the entire article is crazy wrapped in a paperback copy of Dianetics wrapped in the DVD jacket for Jesus Camp.

The reincarnation of Plato (again, not Dana, the other one) opened her mouth and spat up about how she can't stop herself from talking in tongues and how she wishes she could spend all her time looking for ancient alien artifacts. Stephen Marche of Esquire starts the interview by comparing Megan Fox to an Aztec sacrifice and then describes her face as a "visual labyrinth" and "a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly." Can Megan and Stephen please tell the public what kind of herbs they were smoking, because I don't ever want those herbs in my bong. That sounds like the worst trip ever.

Before you start reading these insane pieces from Megan's interview, get yourself a spirit guide to take you through it safely. You're going to need one.

On how being famous is worse than being bullied in high school: "I don't think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don't realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you're being bullied by millions of people constantly."

On how she, the internet, fame and war might be the Four Whoresmen: "I've read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it's the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?"

On erasing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo: "I feel like I willed it be gone. They told me it was going to take six sessions and it's nearly gone in one. She wasn't powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn't reliable, who almost wasn't insurable.... She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I'm not interested in following in those footsteps."

On how she's a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues sometimes: "I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I've seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I'd have to shut it off because I don't know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.

It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I'm going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you're not thinking because you have no idea what you're saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can't control it. The idea is that it's a language that only God understands. It's the language that's spoken in heaven. It's called 'getting the Holy Ghost.' "

On how she'd rather be exploring the ruins of Israel than skipping around in her panties in movies: "I feel like there's stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy."

On how she thinks the movie Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston is a documentary: "I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people's imaginations.... We should all believe in leprechauns. I'm a believer.... You and I are humans, this is not all of it. This cannot be, because we are so disappointing.... Films don't hold the answers I'm looking for.... Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie? ... I believe in aliens.... I am childlike in my spirit, and I want to believe in fairy tales... Loch Ness monster — there's something to it.... There's the Bell Witch... What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities."

Megan Fox is a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and she believes in leprechauns, Bigfoot and ancient aliens who built civilizations? This might be the first time in history that Tommy Girl fingered his butt to something that a Pentecostal Christian woman has said. And the Alabama Leprechaun and Tim Peeler are fingering their butts right next to Tommy Girl.

And now thanks to Megan's mouth, Lindsay is going to tattoo "'Marilyn Monroe was like the Lindsay Lohan of her time.' - Megan Fox" on her forehead. Out of all the crazy things that came out of Megan's mouth, that was the craziest.

UPDATE - Megan Fox went on Facebook to clarify the shade she threw at Lindsay Lohan. Megan wrote:

In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.

Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that. I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.

"WERE gifted actresses...." I see what you did there, Megan.

Starting at around the 4:09 mark in the clip above, Krishnan Guru-Murthy of Britain's Channel 4 News starts asking Quentin Tarantino about the link between violence in movies and violence in real life. That question has been to QT's ears dozens of times before and it's pissed him off dozens of times before and this time was no exception. Krishnan asked QT why he doesn't believe there's a connection between loving fake violence in movies and loving real violence in real life, and he was not having any of it. QT tried to shut him down by saying, "Don't ask me a question like that. I'm not biting. I'm refusing your question. I'm not your slave and you're not my master. You can't make me dance to your tune. I'm not your monkey. I refuse." Eeeesh. Bitch got dramatic like that. I'm surprised QT didn't jump out of his chair, put his finger in Krishnan's face and say, "All my life I had to fight....."

Krishnan wouldn't back down and he kept pressing the question on QT and QT kept pushing the question away. QT let Krishnan know that the interview was a commercial for his movie and to Google him, you dumb fuck (copyright: Nay Nay Semel), to get the answer to the violence question, because he's answered it a million times before. QT went off like this:

"I don't want [to answer that]. I'm here to sell my movie. This is a commercial for the movie. Make no mistake. [...] I don't want to talk about what you want to talk about. I don't want to talk about the implications of violence. The reason I don't want to talk about it? Because I've said everything I have to say about it. If anyone cares what I have to say about it, they can Google me. They can look for 20 years what I have to say. I haven't changed my opinion one iota."

At one point, QT shouts, "I'm shutting your butt down!" Personally, I think QT went too far with that line. QT should watch what he says, because that line hits too close to homo home for some. How would he like it if every time he had a rectal exam at the clinic, he heard that line from his free clinic physician AND the CDC. Nobody wants their butt shut down. That's like shutting down a party early.

Krishnan and QT went at it for a while before moving on to the next question and going on with the interview like professionals. But Krishnan went about it the wrong way. You have to sweeten QT up if you want him to answer some serious questions. Krishnan should've slowly took off his leather oxford loafers, sensually stripped off his socks one by one, squirted the Jergens on his toes and let QT go to QT's favorite place: Foot Town. QT would've been putty in his feet and would've answered any question Krishnan asked. Yes, QT would've had to excuse himself a couple of times, but at least Krishnan would've gotten answers to his questions.