DUH

Long before Kim Kartrashian replaced whatever was left of her soul with Botox and filled her uterus with the Illuminati's chosen one, she dated Nick Lachey for a quick second. You might be saying to yourself, "I didn't know Nick Lachey had a black dick." The year was 2006, so Nick was way more famous then than he is now and that's why Kim screwed with him.

In hell's official bible Kardashian Konfidential, the KKK's ghost writer writes that Kim's first touch of fame came when she went to the movies with Nick Lachey and pictures of their date showed up in the tabloids the next day. Details (via Radar) asked Nick Lachey if humanity can blame him for kreating the Kartrashian kunt monster and he said:

Nick: That’s one way to interpret it. Let’s just say this: We went to a movie. No one followed us there. Somehow, mysteriously, when we left, there were 30 photographers waiting outside. [Laughs] There are certain ways to play this game, and some people play it well.

Details: She also had some help from that sex tape.

Nick: Yeah, well that was already in the can.

"Already in the can..." I see what you did there, Nick. While I can appreciate Nick telling the world what we've already known, he is dumb for admitting that he screwed with a Kartrashian once. That's something you never ever admit. Dudes have gone broke from paying hypnotists to erase that memory from their brains. That's not even something you want to take to the grave with you. That's something you want to bury in a landfill far, far away. Nick should just deny, deny, deny. That wasn't him in those pictures with Kimodo Kartrashian. It was just another buff frog with luscious man titties like no other. I mean, I never knew that Nick was infected with the Kardashian-brand of khlamydia, but now I do. I bet Nick's son is going to file for emancipation now.

And if you were wondering what it would look like if Gumby ate Pokey and swallowed all of the Blockheads with his ass, here you go:

Unfortunately for me, NBC didn't announce today that they're going to save the network by replacing Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show with a naked Anderson Cooper (and The Hammaconda as his sidekick), but they did announce that The Almighty Chin will retire and Jimmy Fallon will replace him. Fallon will take over next spring and The Tonight Show will move to NYC. NBC also said that Lorne Michaels will take over as executive producer. Deadline is hearing that Seth Meyers is still talking to NBC about taking Jimmy Fallon's soon-to-be old job. Here's a piece of NBC's press release:

UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. – April 3, 2012 – Jay Leno, longtime host of NBC’s “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” announced today that he will wrap up what will be 22 years of headlining the iconic late-night show in Spring 2014. NBC also announced today that Jimmy Fallon, now host of NBC’s “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” will transition into new hosting duties on “The Tonight Show” franchise after Leno concludes his successful run.

As part of the transition, “The Tonight Show” will be returning to its original home in 30 Rock in New York and will be executive-produced by Emmy Award winner Lorne Michaels (“Saturday Night Live,” “30 Rock”). Programming plans for the 12:35 a.m. (ET) time period currently are in development and will be announced soon. Said Leno: “Congratulations Jimmy. I hope you’re as lucky as me and hold on to the job until you’re the old guy. If you need me, I’ll be at the garage.”

Said Fallon: “I’m really excited to host a show that starts today instead of tomorrow.”

Our thoughts and prayers should be with every staff member at every nursing home, because the oldies will throw their caramel squares across the room and slap down tricks when they hear this news. But they shouldn't get too upset. I'm sure NBC will put Jimmy Fallon on a bus headed for TBS as soon as Jay Leno decides he wants his job back.

Getting a job as Brit Brit's leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl's robot beard and it's way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit's contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won't chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.

A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude's normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller's Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit's corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he'll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar's source didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he's not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That's a deal breaker. The source said this:

“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done."

"Britney just doesn't respond as well to females...." They're talking about her like she's a sedated circus animal who's only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait...

Background checking a possible piece isn't only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it's something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she'd ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what's the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan's or had a credit score under 600, I'd still do him.

Here's Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.

Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she's going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy's show Anger Management, she's taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably "lose" her passport or she's going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they're stuck with her ass.

LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah's offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan's internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ's source's name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she's probably exaggerating as usual and by "six-figures" she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.

In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn't think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she's been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn't want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo's throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn't want any booze bottles on the table.

TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.

Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can't do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.

TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn't driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn't give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn't want to deal with broken equipment. They didn't give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there's nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I'd be on death row.) They also didn't give her a sobriety test, because they knew she'd fail and they'd waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.

Before LiLo's dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she'd rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo's new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that'll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today...maybe.

So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she's still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah's snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.

And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can't the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)

Even the Salvation Army shouldn't let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress unless they don't want it back or are okay with it coming back to them drenched in bottom shelf vodka and covered with the blood splatters of some chick she hit in the face with a bottle. The only real reason to let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress is if you've taken a $1 million life insurance policy (they really should sell life insurance policies for dresses) out on it and you want it to disappear off the face of the planet so you can cash in. But Lindsay Lohan's own personal Captain-Save-A-Ho Charlie Sheen helped a trick out again by sweet talking stylist Phillip Bloch into getting her a dress for an amFAR event two weeks ago. LiLo wore a beaded dress from Theia that cost $1,750. When Theia got the dress back, it was in the same state as Lindsay Lohan's career:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That dress is just a tattered pile of tragicness. It's like a dress version of White Oprah.

You're close if you're thinking that LiLo's dress looks like that because after she spilled some whiskey on it, a pack of drunk wolves attacked her and dragged her into an alley where a high-speed dump truck ran into her, sending her flying into a trash can fireplace. A source tells UsWeekly that LiLo's dress looks like that because it ripped at a club after the amFAR event.

"She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] -- she couldn't possibly wear it like that -- so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She's out of control and behaving really badly."

Hey, at least they got the dress back and if they shake all the coke residue off of it, they probably have enough for a pretty fat line. Also, they can sell it on eBay as a Lohan original! And yes, White Oprah is going to want a cut of that sale.

For those of you who never really thought about the goings-on of Clive Davis' genitals, then this news might be new to you. But since my brain is made of mushed jizz and I think about the goings-on of EVERYBODY'S genitals,  I've read all the rumors about how Clive Davis likes to dip his tongue in the man pond. And in his new memoirs called The Soundtrack of My Life, the man who discovered Whitney Houston writes about his love of poon and peen. (Insert cissyhoustonisnotamused.gif here)

80-year-old Clive has married and divorced two chicks, has four kids and six grandchildren, and writes that he's been with his man partner for 7 years. Before that, Clive was a dude doctor for 14 years. Clive says that even though his tongue has only tasted peen for the past 21 years, he's still very much attracted to women. Rolling Stone has the piece from Clive's memoirs where he talked about how he let out an exhale of relief after he got on his first dick:

Davis, who has been married and divorced twice, has never before publicly addressed his sexuality. In a candid five-page section toward the end of the book, due in stores today, he writes that he first had a sexual encounter with a man during “the era of Studio 54.” “On this night, after imbibing enough alcohol, I was open to responding to his sexual overtures,” writes Davis, who says he had only been with women before. Being with a man, he writes, provided “welcome relief.”

After a period of “soul searching and self-analysis,” Davis separated from his second wife in 1985, and says that he went on to have simultaneous relationships with two women and a man. In 1990, he entered into a “monogamous relationship” with a male doctor, who is not named in the book. Although that relationship ended in 2004, Davis says he has been in a subsequent relationship with another man ever since. Davis writes that his coming out deeply affected his ties with one of his sons, Mitchell: After what Davis calls “one very trying year,” father and son worked out their differences, Davis says.

Well, so now you know. Clive Davis not only fucked dudes and chicks in the music business, but he fucked them in the bedroom too. And I'm sure you had a hard time reading any of that since you were too busy being hypnotized and dazzled by the trifecta of sapphire gorgeousness that Clive is serving up in that picture.

"Lindsay Lohan is psychotic" replaced "water is wet" as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson's British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn't a euphemism for pussy bumpin'. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn't going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

"Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home."

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn't screaming, because she's so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter's old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

Here's Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night and there's a good reason for why she looks like she's smelling random coochie fumes wafting off of his crotch. Sara Leal, the side trick who Ashton cheated on Demi Moore with, is telling Star Magazine (via HL) that his wandering peen is still wandering from side ho to side ho and one of his side hos is her friend's friend's friend.

Sara says that not too long ago one of her friends (let's call her my favorite name Concepcion) showed her a picture that Concepcion's friend (let's call her my other favorite name Chardonnay) sent her. The picture was of Ashton Kutcher in his pajamas and Chardonnay claims that her friend (let's call her my other other favorite name Everleigh) took it, because Everleigh is doing him part-time. Sara tells Star that she didn't totally believe Chardonnay at first, but Chardonnay has been inside of Ashton's house in L.A. when he was there with Everleigh. Sara put it like this:

“It could just be an innocent picture, but I think it’s also possible he’s not dating Mila exclusively. Not just because of that photo, but because he’s cheated before. That would definitely be a red flag for me, if I were dating someone who’d cheated on their wife. I would hate for Mila to have the same experience as Demi. I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were Mila, I’d be careful."

So to recap: Sara thinks Ashton is fucking around on Mila, because she saw a picture of him in his pajamas that Everleigh sent to Chardonnay who sent to Concepcion who showed it to Sarah. CONFUSING! Let's make this simple: Ashton is doing Mila, Concepcion, Everleigh, Chardonnay and everybody else, because he is a slut who can't stop slutting. There, glad we could clear that up.

And more importantly, is that Shia LaBeouf's goddess of a mother next to that slut Ashton?

If you're throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan's bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you're obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better." The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she's a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I'm glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie's culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn't licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo's upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, "No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu." I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo's next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won't face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let's all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.