Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour's ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was "punk," because the Costume Institute's exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!
I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of "punk." It's "romantic punk." BITCH, my chihuahua's swollen anal gland (I'm taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don't worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should've thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone's abuelita's sofa.
She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim's look is a grandma sitting on top of her.
Kanye's alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!
No, this is not a picture of Sugar Bear's best man. John Galliano wishes he could bring the hillbilly glamour like that.
John Galliano went for a walk with Vogue's Grace Coddington in NYC yesterday and he looked like some kind of monster that lives inside of a Salvation Army donation bin and only crawls out in the daylight hours to terrorize the masses. John didn't know if he wanted to look like Max Headroom, a Sweet Valley high dropout, a low-tier member of Duck Dynasty or a gay golf caddie, so he wore all those looks at once.
This some "memaw not giving one fuck while going to Walmart to buy cigs and boxed wine" shit. I don't know what's hurting my eyes more: that raggedy Lindsay Lohan hair or those fringed bagpiper shorts eating a pair of camo shorts.
And even that dog doesn't know what to think and that's saying a lot since dogs in NYC have seen some jacked up shit.
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What's even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley's hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it's telling the world that you're claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan's slaves. If they weren't monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he's actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle's boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT's purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she's totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here's others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They're all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT's UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.
When I first read the headline "Amanda Bynes Shaves Her Hair," I expected to see some second coming of Brit Brit shit and I was about to hide all the green umbrellas, but Wheelchair Jimmy's number one stalker only shaved half of her head. It's begins... Amanda tweeted out this note to the media with the pictures of her new hair and her aluminum foil cheek:
I buzzed half my head like @cassie! No more old photos! This is the new me! I love it!
Yeah, it's a good thing that she shaved some of that busted weave off, but the Skillrex look must be stopped. Dr. Kimberly Shaw did it better than everyone. And what's really terrifying is that now that Amanda's got shaved sides, she looks like a Miley Cyrus clone. They're multiplying. We don't need two!
Sadly for us, Kim Kartrashian wasn't in kourt today to answer to her krimes against humanity. Kim was in court for a hearing in her never-ending divorce battle against Encino Man's slower younger brother Kris Humphries. Kim and Kris were supposed to meet plastic face-to-caveman face today, but he got a severe case of the Lindsay Lohans and didn't show up.
TMZ says that Kris was stuck in New York for some reason (SPOILER ALERT: He forgot how to operate a door knob and just stayed in his apartment and stared at the door until someone came for him), so he never got on a plane to L.A. The judge wasn't happy about it and TMZ says he ripped Kris a new asshole ("Been there and Ray J's boomerang dick is to blame." - Kim). The judge set a new pre-trial hearing date for April 19th and he might throw a few fines at Kris for being late.
Radar has a totally different story. They say that Kris wasn't in court today, because his team the Brooklyn Nets are playing the Indiana Pacers in Indianapolis and he was already excused. Radar also says that the trial will begin on May 6th and the court hasn't decided if cameras are allowed or not.
I hope there's going to be a sea of cameras in the court room. I really need to see smoke rise from Kris Humphries' head when he's asked a question that has more than three words in it. And I really need to see a crack form in Kim's concrete forehead when she spits out a lie after she's asked if she faked her marriage for publicity.
And somewhere there's a sad, tacky, new money toddler who has to get a new first communion outfit, because this is what she was planning to wear. Kim Kartrashian really does ruin everything.
Because all the hot female pop stars are doing it (see: Miley, Brit Brit, RiRi, Robyn, etc...), the hottest female pop star of them all sashayed down to the child's beauty salon and took a pair of clippers to the side of his head. While posing with Beliebers backstage after a show in Germany on Saturday night, Justin Bieber showed off his new emo guinea pig haircut. Yes, the Biebs is serving up some hipster indie rocker lesbian tease and he if he doesn't listen to Tegan and Sara all the time, then he's doing a disservice to that haircut.
It also kind of looks like the top of his head is barfing out Donald Trump's comb over and sometimes it looks like a deflated Flock of Seagulls. But the Biebs should just stop postponing the inevitable and cut ridges into the side of his hair so he can go full 1990s Vanilla Ice already. It's his destiny.
I don't even know why I asked that question, because nobody's going to get it. Most of you probably had his name dumped from the memory box in your brain centuries ago. The answer is: Ryan Cabrera. The Ryan Cabrera who made songs in the early 2000s, dated Asslee Simpson for a minute and has always had hair like a deep fried porcupine. That Ryan Cabrera.
Yesterday in Crumbs, I linked to a post at ICYDK about Ryan and his electrocuted Gene Simmons hair, but they didn't have pictures of his fugged up Ryan Gosling leg tattoo. Ryan Cabrera showed off his shitastic tattoo at the Hyde Bellagio in Las Vegas last week and talked about it during Lance Bass' show on SiriusXM. Ryan says that he and one of his friends go into a tattoo place together and pick out a tattoo for each other without the other one knowing what it is. They don't see their new tattoo until it's done. Ryan has a unicorn tattoo and a Care Bear tattoo from playing that dumb ass game. Ryan explained it like this (via OMG Yahoo via ONTD):
"Me and my buddy we go in [the tattoo parlor] and he chooses one thing off the wall for me, then I choose one thing for him. You can't see it until after it's done and then we unveil them at the same time. The only rules are that it can't be religious and it can't offend anybody."
Um. Earth to Ryan Cabrera, that Ryan Gosling tattoo is offensive on every level and it's especially offensive to Ryan Gosling. Because that doesn't look like Ryan Gosling. It looks like a hungover, bloated, cross-eyed Lee Pace right before he's about to barf. Well, the good news is that if you're ever going to bone Ryan Cabrera, you have something interesting to stare at when you're doing the reverse cowgirl position.
Another day, another set of messy pictures of Kim Kardashian looking like she wants us all to forget that she's got a ticket to relevancy growing in her womb.
After having lunch at Fred Segal in West Hollywood with the mutant Muppet we all know as Robin Antin, Kim teetered through the parking lot and you can practically hear the muffled cries from her nipple slits as they try to gasp for air. That top is stretched more than her face is and it looks like her titties are choking and trying to find the nearest exit. Those titties need an oxygen mask and a pep talk.
Bitch looks like a rotten and deflated blueberry that has given up on its will to go on. And ho's face is telling a different color story than her body is. Either her live-in car painter forgot to spray her body down with orange paint or that extra tight shit is cutting off her circulation.
Brit Brit And Normal Guy Dave Held Hands In Public, But What In 50s Diner Waitress Hell Is She Wearing?
Daddy Spears obviously insists on sending Brit Brit out for staged hand holding photo-ops with her leased boyfriend David Somethingoranother, but couldn't he fix her style beforehand? This makes the veins in my eyeballs hurt since we're so used to seeing Brit Brit looking like the fashion icon she is in baggy, grease-stained sweats, a t-shirt that doubles as a booger rag and fug boots that are meant to be given out as a gag gift.
I liked that dress better when Lily Tomlin wore it in Big Business. It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would come up with if they had to make a flight attendant dress out of tablecloths and napkins from a Sweet 16 birthday party. And she just had to go full fug by pairing a black and pink dress with your memaw's least favorite brown church shoes. Those are dookie shoes. And he looks like the maitre d' of a Cracker Barrel.
I swear, Daddy Spears is totally just screwing with us now.
Beyonce is already on PETA's shit list, because of all the yaks and Andalusians horses she's skinned to make her wigs and now they're really coming at her for the sneakers she co-designed and put her name on. The "King Bey Isabel Marant Sneaker Wedge" was designed by Beyonce and Isabel Marant for PMK (stands for Perfectly Made Kicks, not Pimp Mama Kris) and several zoo creatures were skinned to make those shoes. That anaconda that almost killed JLo in that movie? It's on Beyonce's shoes. That ballet-dancing ostrich from Fantasia? It's on Beyonce's shoes. That photobombing stingray from one of my favorite pictures of 2012? It's on Beyonce's shoes. All the animals are on there!
PETA pushed out a statement about Beyonce's sneakers, because they're PETA and pushing out statements is what they do. They also don't appreciate that King Bey's sneakers are made of calf hair, anaconda, stingray, ostrich and crocodile skins. Here's their statement via Gossip Cop:
“These custom-made kicks come with a high price—and it’s paid by the various animals who were beaten and skinned alive or cruelly farmed and killed. Although most people aren’t as familiar with the types of animals (snakes, stingrays, crocodiles, and ostriches) killed for this single pair of sneakers as they are with the cats and dogs we share our homes with, these animals are highly sensitive living beings who try hard to avoid capture and suffer enormously when trapped, netted, speared, and skinned alive.
We hope that Beyoncé will choose to wear more clothes from her own clothing line—which features faux fur—and that one day, she’ll go completely cruelty-free. She can always choose the cruelty-free and “green” fashion favored by compassionate, chic celebrities such as Natalie Portman and Anne Hathaway and designers such as award-winning fashion queen Stella McCartney.”
The most surprising part of all of this is that they weren't made by Kanye Kardashian and they aren't strapped to Kim's hooves. That shoe is a new kind of ugly. It looks like a pile of white dog shit. It looks like a foot ripped off of a mummy's body. It looks like a straitjacket for your feet. And how many animals died just so Beyonce could make her feet look fuglier? How. Dread. Ful.