Fug

Somewhere there's a family that's extra sad while eating fried chicken and watermelon on patch of grass, because Mimi stole their picnic blanket and wore it in Aspen on Saturday night. Mimi wore this mess on the streets of Aspen, CO and I'm really surprised that nobody laid her ass on the ground and ate potato salad and hot dogs on her dress. I'm also surprised that a champion WWE wrestler didn't charge her and tackle her ass to the ground, thinking that she stole their belt. Yes, I'm sure Mimi's Aspen ski mansion has several mirrors, but in her defense they all broke when they peeked at this outfit, so she wasn't able to see what she looked like.

And you know, I can't fully hate on that messy "Cowardly Lion used way too much Dep gel" hair. It's very Lady and the Tramp meets chola fresh out of the pool. It takes a lot of gel and a lot of scrunching to get messy hair like that.

Kristen Stewart wore this to a screening of On the Road in NYC in December and my first reaction is best expressed through Brit Brit's side-eye/head turn/barf face (which is the same face she makes whenever Daddy Spears has to use store brand cheese instead of Velveeta in his signature grits):

For once, Kristen Stewart has a really good reason for looking like someone just farted in her bong and smoked up her stash right in front of her. That mess on KStew's body might work as a beach cover-up on Annette  Funicello in the 60s, but it is not working on KStew. I mean, I love see-through, I love neon jizz splatters, I love grandma's girdle panties and I love primetime hooker shoes from the 80s, but I don't like them together and I really don't like them together on KStew. That shit looks like melted dot candy. It's a Rorschach test made with puffy paint.

Well, but at least Kristen Dunst learned that if she ever wants to look hot, she just has to stand next to KStew wearing this mess.

It's a good thing that Pimp Mama Kris removed all of Kim Kardashian's internal organs and gave them to Lucifer as a sacrifice years ago, because that's the only way she was able to squeeze into this size 0 leather skirt and toddler shirt. Looks like ten pounds of skank in a five pound leather sack that was sloppily packed by Kanye. Bitch is serving up several servings of soufflé.

Kim must think breathing is overrated or she learned how to breathe out of her asshole, which is entirely possible. And will somebody tell Kourtney Kardashian that this isn't Designing Women and she ain't Suzanne Sugarbaker, so she needs to take that outfit off. Bitch already looks like a fool, but wearing Suzanne Sugarbaker's favorite church suit is making her look like an even bigger fool.

I swear, these two need to stop trying to make the fupa curtain happen. And Kim needs to leave the leather skirt-wearing to Kanye.

Just when I was starting to stupidly think that Shia LaBeouf's hotness was slowly surpassing his natural doucheness, he goes and commits an act against all that is holy.

Wearing half of hell's official uniform, Shia pumped gas in Los Angeles the other day. A CROC on its own looks like Lucifer's anal canal and adding a sock takes it unholy levels of NO. Shia obviously subscribes to the hipster theory that the uglier it is, the more high fashion it is. This is only the beginning. Brace your eyeballs, because soon we'll see hundreds of hipsters marching on the dirt of Coachella with tube socks and CROCs on their feet. This is worse than socks with Adidas sandals. And Shia just had to complete the trinity of evil by wearing jorts. I hate him for this.

And yes, I just blasted a dude for his sense of style while wearing a cardigan, pocket-less sweats (Note: Buying pocket-less sweats is the dumbest thing I've ever done. Where am I supposed to put my fun size Snickers wrappers when I eat Halloween candy on the sofa each night?), a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and plaid socks. But at least I'm not wearing CROCs! I mean, I want to go heaven after all.

Kanye wants us all to believe that he just fabulously rolled out of bed, casually picked up a pair of leather pants from the pile of leather pants on his floor, casually picked up a fur coat from the pile of fur coats and then casually picked up a hoodie from his pile of hoodies. Yeah, no. It took 12 stylists, 6 private furriers, 3 cows imported from Italy, 2 pounds of Khloe Kardashian's freshly shed ass fur and his own personal sweat shop to put this ensemble together. It takes a lot of work to look this glamorously ragged.

If Kanye was going for the "Upper East Side socialite who fell on hard times after her husband went to prison for embezzlement and had to pay off her Bergdorfs bill by collecting soda cans from garbage bins" look, then he nailed it!

Because Chad Kroeger and Carly Rae Jepsen were unavailable, Canada gave the Diamond Jubilee Medal to the last Canadian on this planet who deserves any kind of medal. CTV News says that the Diamond Jubilee Medal is given to Canadians "who have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada, or an achievement abroad that brings credit to Canada." Giving that shit to Kon Kan would've been a better decision. Who was ever in charge of making this decision probably realized they made the worst decision ever when Justin Bieber showed up to the award ceremony looking like if Spanky from The Little Rascals was a character on The Boondocks. There's nothing worse than a cocky toddler in a backwards cap and overalls.

Justin's mother must've been scrubbing the skid marks out of his diaper leggings, because he wore some OshKosh B'Gosh overalls instead. I'm surprised the helmet of silver thread on Prime Minister Stephen Harper's head didn't melt from all of the #SWAG bombs that Justin dropped. And by "#SWAG bombs" I mean the poopies he dropped in his diaper during the ceremony.

Yes, Justin could've dressed up by wearing a tuxedo onesie from Babies 'R Us, but I'm more concerned about how this junior douche keeps putting on the worst in 90s fashions. We should close and lock the door to the 90s fashion vault before The Lesbeaver starts wearing shit from Cross Colours and SKIDS.

And I don't know if that yarn wig on Stephen Harper's head is a work of NO or a work of YES. I'm leaning toward the latter, because it looks like it was made by the same people who make the hair on the Baby Abuelita doll.

RiRi's Skanks On A Plane tour has finally stopped terrorizing the skies and Hazmat and Delta's clean-up crew joined forces to scrape every layer of Barbarian flu loogies from off the floor, but as thorough as they were they forgot to dump one big bag of trash. And here's that one big Hefty bag of trash promoting her new album at Best Buy in NYC last night.

I know RiRi's style is so ahead of everything and is way too forward for any of us non-fashionable peons to understand, but this is a new level of fucking ugly. This baggy disaster of an outfit looks like Justin Bieber's pajamas. (They're extra easy to clean just in case Bieber has a middle-of-the-night accident.) If RiRi's leather shirt was white cotton and her baggy shorts were denim, that shit would look exactly like KFed's favorite eatin' outfit. Actually, if KFed knocked up a Hefty trash bag (which you know he can), this is what their trash bag love child would look like. A mess.

The sound of her child screaming and wailing through the baby monitor woke Justin Bieber's mother up late last night after he came home in tears, because his on-and-off piece Selena Gomez was a big meanie to him at dinner. TMZ says that The Lesbeaver and Selena had dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Encino, CA last night and it ended with a huge fight of words. My guess is that Justin got mad because Selena refused to cut up his sushi into little pieces and didn't make the "vroom vroom" sound while spoon feeding him Mochi. The Biebs had a tantrum, so Selena left and he followed her home in his Ferrari Big Wheels. When he got to her house, he tried to go inside, but Selena denied him! That cold baby-abusing bitch.

But really, do you blame Selena for being mean to Bieber? I'd be mean to a baby too if he showed up wearing that mess of a onesie (or whatever that is). Is that what Gymboree is selling nowadays? I don't even know what those pants are doing. It's like a pair of Long Johns shitting up a pair of Hammer pants. Justin is trying to make us think that just because his pants dropped, that means his balls dropped too. Nice try, Justin.

And let's wash away the image of Justin's droopy diaper leggings with pictures of his hot new bodyguard. This might be the only time I've ever been jealous of Justin Bieber. Because when Selena hurts his innocent heart, he can cry into the iron arms of this hot piece.

Brad Pitt is an actor, humanitarian, professional baby carrier, millionaire hobo, comedian, perfume poet, stoner, house maker, savior of New Orleans and now he's designing fancy furniture for rich hos who really want to spend $45,000 on a chair that looks like a glorified bean bag for new money.

You'd think that all of the furniture in all of Brangelina's mansions is made of a material that can easily be sprayed down with a garden hose since children slobber on everything (or am I confusing "children" with "stoner movie stars"?), but nope. Brangelina has a bunch of fancy furniture in their fancy mansions and Brad Pitt loves fancy furniture so much that he regularly doodles sketches of his own fancy furniture designs. One day, furniture maker Frank Pollaro came over to install a desk in Brad Pitt's house and magically came across a sketchbook full of his furniture designs. Frank then said, "Hey, you're Brad Pitt! People will empty out their checking accounts to buy a pile of donkey shit signed by you, so let's make furniture together!"

Brad and Frank co-designed a line of furniture that they will unveil in NYC on November 13th. Brad gave Architectural Digest a special preview and talked about working with Frank:

"We talk about design, about materials, about craftsmanship, about classicism, about modernism. He has a respect for the masters of design. [I am] bent on quality to an unhealthy degree [while he] embodies the same mad spirit of the craftsmen of yore, with their obsessive attention to detail. It just so happens Frank and I speak the same language. And we both have a predilection for far too much wine."

Together, they designed a club chair, some tables, a bed and a marble tub for two that looks like the fanciest bed pan I've ever seen. They're only making limited editions of each piece that will be signed and numbered, but they have plans to make more affordable versions. So keep checking your local Levitz!

I bet Brad sketched his furniture designs on an Etch-A-Sketch, because it's all squiggles, boxes and circles. And about that bed. Does it come complete with a maid who will carry you to that bed every night so you don't almost break your leg on it? That coffee table/bench attachment thing is just waiting to bruise some shins. Inevitable.

As Katie Holmes searches the sky for Scientology spy UFOs (that look like this) that are tracking her every move, Suri Cruise had a kiki with Daddy Girl or maybe she's calling Blue Ivy Carter to make fun of the golden child for wearing kicks with poor people diamonds (aka rhinestones) on them instead of rare polished kidney stones pulled from a pink dolphin.

Before you throw an "I can't even look at you anymore" at Suri for talking on what could be an ancient artifact from one week ago called the iPhone 4, let me educate you on some shit. Suri would never put hear ear on an iPhone 4. Suri won't even talk on the phone with a trick who is talking on an iPhone 4. Suri can tell, because she can hear the poor in their voice. Suri isn't even talking on an iPhone 5 here. That's an iPhone 7! They don't even sell it on the black market in Japan and there's not even a prototype for it. That's how forward Suri is.

And will the state finally step in and issue Katie a mandatory uniform since she obviously isn't capable of dressing herself. Who throws a dog blanket, some studded matador pants and elf boots on the bed and says, "This it the look!" Katie's not knowing ass does, that's who. Bitch looks like she was just kicked off of the Trail of Tears by her tribemates, because they were too embarrassed to be seen with her looking like she just fell out of Chico's ass. This is a Chico's kind of BARF.