Fug

Portia de Rossi (aka forever Mandy Rogers of Horsham to me) must be seriously in love, OR SOMETHING, with Ellen Degeneres, because how did she let her leave the 5-star hotel looking like Larry David starring in a remake of Cocoon in the Wilford Brimley role? If you really love someone, you'd gently pull that hat off their head and slap their face with it before sticking that entire outfit in the in-sink-erator.

Here's more of Portia and Ellen doing rich people stuff in St. Barts over the weekend. Ugh. I'm surprised Ellen didn't go FULL FUG by carrying a dark-sided CROCS tote.

It looks like one of the mangy and raggedy moplets from the Twilight wig closet broke free and galloped towards Istanbul to seek refuge on the top of Tom Hardy's head. It's not a bad place to seek refuge, but that Julian Assange-like busted wig is bringing down his hotness to dangerous levels. Tom is wearing that dingle-ridden mess on the set of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, so it's part of the job, but still! Way to screw with the beauty. Although, that wig does look like it would make a good cum mop.... Hmm. SOLD!

On the left is pro surfer Kelly Slater at the Eddie Aikau Big Wave opening ceremonies in Hawaii, and on the right is The Real Housewives of Bellevue's very own Kelly Bensimon toughening her hide in Miami.

One Kelly makes me want to slather him in Mr. Zog's Sex Wax and ride his board on a waterbed until the downstairs neighbor complains about a leak ruining their new rug. And the other Kelly makes me wish I was fashionably brave enough to mix brown and black leathers. So there you go, Kelly served two ways: bald and shaved, or jerkyfied!

Why were the MTV European Music Awards called the MTV European Music Awards when ninety percent of the bitches who were nominated and performed were American! We've already done enough! I mean, the fuckery screeches from this past MTV VMAs sanded a thin layer off the ozone layer and now we're doing it again with the MTV EMAs. Although, I'm not sure what my rambling rant has to do with Ke¢ha since it's obvious her passport was issued by Fraggle Rock Nation.

At last night's EMAs, Ke$tchup's "Chipette on nitrous" voice sanded a few layers off the ozone when she performed every 3rd grader's favorite song of 2009 Tik Tok. If you've always wanted to know what the Wicked Witch of the West's rap voice sounds like, click here for Ke$hit's performance. My major problem with Ke$ha's look is that I don't see the contents of a dumpster at a desert rave the way most of you do, I see a beloved character from my childhood: PIZZAZZ FROM JEM!! Ke$hit is more of a low-budget porn version of Pizzazz, though. More like Pizzinmyazz or Jizzazz. I still hate her for this. And you know who else channeled a cartoon icon from my childhood? KATY PERRY!

Katy Perry performed "Firework" (click here to see it) looking like a cross between Double Trouble and Castaspella from She-Ra as seen through the eyes of a Cirque du Soleil costume designer.

I'll be okay as long as I don't see pictures of Lady CaCa in Beverly Hills Teens drag.

At the opening of the Realm Boutique in NYC last night, Blake NotSoLively came out in an outfit that should only be worn by side-pieces trying to make a break for it before they get a wife stiletto to the neck. It's like you're in the middle of blowing saliva bubbles into your trick's peen hole when you hear a "Honey, I'm home!!!" coming from the hallway. The jig is up. Any master whore will grab their dude's shirt, pull the Christmas skirt from under the tree and tear off the strap from a messenger bag before diving out of the window. That's what this shit looks like.

Wait, does anybody know if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have their Christmas tree up way early?

Direct that headline as you see fit! Okay, so somebody please tell me why you would want to go out in public looking like you're deep fisting a Sasquatch (cut to Khloe Kardashian throwing an "incest is not best" side-eye). At a Miami Heat vs NJ Nets game yesterday afternoon, Kim Kardassian wore some fugly ass half-shrug made from a Wookie/crow hybrid creature thing. Whoever told this ho that this was a good look is probably the same bitch who told her that her plastic nanu nanu face looks like something that exists in nature.

At last night's For Colored Girls premiere in NYC, Roshumba, a model type who's also a judge on that She's Got The Look mess, showed up looking like her asshole was trying to play a game of Hongray Hongray Hippo with her dress. Wearing Mrs. Brady's honeymoon outfit out in public is one thing, but wearing a dress that sucks to your nalgas and makes those around you think that your no-no could suck the mole off of Blake Lively is another. The only thing I have to say about this is, where did Roshumba get that dress, because Gay Al Reynolds is going to want one in every damn color.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere which doubled as the Super Bowl of eyebrow game. In order: Roshumba and her "look at this power bottom" dress, Janet Jackson with her piece guest, Thandie Newton, Macy Gray, RUBY DEE!!!!, Ashford & Simpson, Phylicia Rashad, Loretta Devine and Patti LaBelle.

Dear extra from Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, You can finally put on that outfit you stole from the costume department and rock that shit proudly like Sienna Miller did in France yesterday. Who cares if those pants make your labia look like the size of one of Jabba the Hutt's chins. Who cares if bitches start singing "Does your puss hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?" when you walk on by. Who cares if those pants are the color of week-old salmon tartare. If it's good enough for Sienna....

And speaking of hos dressing like high school students from the early 90s, I've also thrown in some pictures of RiRi in Paris

Did Poochie give Brit Brit a few neck hickeys when they got a little too hot and heavy the other night? Did her Cheetolings attack her with Lisa Frank stamps when she was passed out from a Fritos nachos coma on a fold-up lawn chaise on the driveway? Did she recently spend time in a prison for fairies where they marked her with DIY tattoos made with scented Crayons, a bee's ass and Disney Princess stencils?

Or maybe this is Brit Brit's way of distracting all of us from the fact that she's wearing a BRA in broad daylight! There's no shame for Brit Brit's nips (they taste like processed cheese too) like getting covered up in public. Don't worry, Brit Brit's nips, her belly button is poking out since you can't!

If this is what The X-Factor is going to be like all season, then I need to run a cable from the UK through the Atlantic Ocean and directly into my TV, because this priceless shit is what entertainment is made of. During last night's show, Simon Cowell said best friends Abby and Lisa had the worst attitudes of any contestant on any of his shows. So you know if these twin female Pugsleys make Simon's titty milk go sour, they are a new amazing breed of FUCKING VILE. And they are!

Their "singing" will make you want to punch yourself in the ear holes with a hot curling iron, but what follows will immediately heal your wounds. The new equation is: WHO ARE YOU? + a fist to the face = the real X factor.

And it looks like these two punch each other in the faces all the time.