Harald Glööckler

I know your b-hole probably puckered so much that you got stuck to your chair, but pry yourself off, bow down and pay your respects to the rhinestone-encrusted black orchid of glamour Harald Glööckler. The inspiration for every single Disney villain sprayed liquid glitter into the eyes of his subjects at the launch of his new clothing line for medium-sized women (I didn't make that up) in Berlin the other day.

What more is there to say about Harald that hasn't been said? Beauty historians have written books (no, they haven't) on his masterpiece eyebrows and cholas of all ages have tried their whole lives and gone through several hundred Sharpies to try to replicate those double works of art over his eyes. And you can dip your face in a bowl of crushed pearls, but you still won't have the natural glow that Harald has.

And Harald brought the luckiest man in the world, his husband, to the launch of his collection. This definitely is the face of a man who gets to lick off Harald's spray-on beard every night.

We can all ascend now that we've seen beauty and glamour in its finest, rawest and most potent form. I hope you have a paper bag handy, because it's only a matter of seconds before your b-hole starts hyperventilating. That is a natural reaction to the sight of elegance incarnate.

It only took two packs of Lee Press On Nails, five Sharpies, four handfuls of stick-on rhinestones, three jars of Vaseline, one bottle of Wite Out, a gallon of oil-based red paint, a whole lot of black shoe polish and the finest rhinestone pieces from QVC, but the most gorgeous creature in Europe Harald Glööckler managed to top himself. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the history of forever that the words "Harald Glööckler managed to top" have been typed, read or spoken.

Last night in Austria, Mira Sorvino, her husband, Gina Lollobrigida and dozens of others at the Vienna Opera Ball lost their breaths and suffered from severe glamour inhalation when Harald Glööckler rode in on a horse-drawn carriage like the royal empress he is.

Let's all bow down to the unicorn skunk chola who is as precious as a wet kiss from a rainbow and as dazzling as a Liberace butt queef. Actually, I don't think Harald glued those rhinestones to his beautiful face. He's just having an acne breakout. Yes, even his acne breakouts are works of art.

If you don't immediately know the name of this exquisite jewel, then please form a line to my left, because I'd like to personally give each of you the same side-eye that chihuahua's throwing in the picture above. If you really don't know who this is, go outside, look up to the heavens and ask God to show you the meaning of beauty. You'll feel some twitches down below before your b-hole queefs out a black diamond with Harald Glööckler's gorgeous face on it. (Or just click here or here if you really don't know this perfection.)

The mash-up of Glamberace, a female-to-male pre-op cholita and an ebony unicorn has already injected his own brand of gloth glamour into a fashion line and eatin' tools, and now he's selling dog accessories. Harald launched his collection of dog couture at a pet store in Berlin the other day and the fabulousness in the air was so thick that everyone there now knows what it feels like to get butt fucked by a rainbow. And if you say the name Glööckler really slow, your sphincter will tighten and stay that way forever. Instant anal rejuvenation!

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin'. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there's enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert's naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece "Pompoeoes" (that's German for "Poochie Queefs") in Berlin on Thursday and I don't know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops' exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom's makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom's shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald's face.

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.