19-year-old Harry Styles had dinner with the Stewarts in L.A. the other night and some said that he was all over 33-year-old Kimbo Stewart and others said that he was all over 25-year-old Ruby Stewart and I said that he was obviously licking butter off of Rod Stewart's voluptuous face mole. E! says they know which Stewart he's screwing on and it's none other than the relic from 2005 known as Kimberly Stewart.
Some source tells E! that Benicio Del Toro's one night stand turned baby mother and Taylor Swift's former stalking victim met through a mutual friend and it's still early, but she likes him enough to introduce him to her whole family. The source said:
"Kim is very strong willed, she goes for what she wants and Harry appreciates that. It is a very new thing and we'll see where it goes. She is exactly his type."
I guess since Kimbo Stewart has one baby to take care of, she doesn't mind taking care of another. I'm around Kimbo's age and I couldn't date a 19-year-old who looks like he just graduated from the 7th grade and looks like a toddler-aged Maggie Gyllenhaal in certain light. But I guess Kimbo's got to do who she's got to do to keep the paps coming at her.
And here's some absolutely thrilling pictures of Harry getting coffee while Kimbo waited in the car.
Taylor Swift's former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana's in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he's bumping nipples with one of them.
The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?
I say that it's not Kimbo and it's not Ruby and it's not Penny Lancaster. I say that it's the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!
My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo's chin. Harry is gazing away, because he's so wrapped in a walking dream where he's sucking on Rod's juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn't mean that in more ways than one.
And here's the perfect viral for Taylor Swift's line of sneakers for Keds.
One Direction was in the middle of performing at their show in Glasgow, Scotland last night when a shoe thrower, who is way more skilled at shoe throwing than the Dubya shoe thrower, distracted Harry Styles by throwing a shoe on stage before throwing a shoe directly at his cooch. Harry pretended like it hurt while Louis pretended like he wasn't exploding into rainbows on the inside over the thought of kissing that boo boo backstage.
It looks like the shoe didn't even hit Harry's nuts, so I'm sure he'll still be able to have little moppet children who will inherit his 1920s silent movie ingenue bob. It looks like the shoe just hit the tip of his peen. That's not even the worst thing that has happened to his peen. That title goes to the time when Taylor Swift took a look at it and screamed, "Ewww! Gross! Penis," before going back to making a fringe vest out of friendship bracelets for her cat.
via E! Online
Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.
What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!
And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.
Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.
While Oprah loves smearing foreskin on her face, Taylor Swift wants nothing to do with it. We finally know the real reason why Taylor Swift and Harry Styles broke up. It's not because he has the face-sucking skills of a slimy garden wanderer or because she wouldn't put out. It's because Harry was sick of Taylor whining at him to get circumcised. Taylor did not like the fact that his dick looks E.T. going for an undercover bike ride.
A completely reliable source who totally isn't the intern at The National Enquirer tells Mike Walker (via Lainey Gossip) that Taylor Swift is no friend of H.O.O.P.'s, because she can't stand uncut penis.
“Taylor didn’t like the fact that English-born Harry was not circumcised – she even suggested he undergo surgery! Harry made it clear he had no intention of changing anything. He asked her not to mention it again. But Taylor never missed the chance to poke fun or make a comment. At first, Harry just rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her, but the final straw came when she suggested once again that he get...snipped!”
This is extremely good news for fans of uncut dick and fans of dick of every kind (aka the team I'm on). More uncut dick for us! I've never cared if the peen is naked or wearing a Slanket. It has never mattered to me. I've seen some scary-looking uncut peen and I've seen a cut dick that looked like it was wearing a chewed-up calamari ring as a necklace. They botched that shit. But I still didn't care. If it can get the job done, who cares? And I don't even care if the uncut peen is covered with seven kinds of cracker spread. Just scoop it out, use it to open your first Hickory Farms franchise and keep the fun moving.
Here's peen hood hater Taylor Swift at the 40 Principales Awards in Madrid last night.
Radar said a couple of weeks ago that Harry Styles booked Taylor Swift a seat on the S.S. Bye Bitch, because he's full of 18-year-old hormones and can't stop humping stuff (Note: Yeah, that fluffy thing that ran by and humped your leg for five seconds. That was Harry Styles) and she's a prude who wouldn't give up the panty as much as he wanted. But maybe Taylor Swift hardly ever slid naked onto home plate with Harry Styles, because his first base skills made her spit up snail slime.
Jenna B (the girl with bacne who sits in front of you in 10th grade English) told Ashley (the girl with the worst split ends EVER who sits next to Jenna B) who told Megan (the girl who gave Ashley's boyfriend a handjob at a party, I don't even know why they talk!) who told Star Magazine (via HL) that Taylor Swift got the icks every time she put her lips on Harry's lips. Taylor is telling her friends that he "kissed like a snail. Eventually Taylor found it hard not to be grossed out.”
What does a snail kiss like exactly....
One time when I still lived at my mom's house, I came home drunk during the Hour of the Snails (aka like 4am) and I forgot my key. So I laid down on the concrete in the front yard and watched a snail slither on by. I thought about it, but I never made out with that snail, so I have no idea what it's like to suck on a snail's face. Worms, however, are all tongue. I shouldn't have told you that. Hide the plant butter before you get any ideas.
And I'm sure Harry Styles would say that kissing Taylor Swift is a lot like sucking a burp out of a parakeet's ass.
In other Swifty gossip you just need to know, a source tells Radar (the same ones who said Harry dumped her for keeping her legs shut) that she doesn't know if she can ever trust Harry again, because she believes he cheated on her:
“She thought he was cheating on her when they were apart over the holidays so she ended it, telling him she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. Harry protested that he never did anything wrong, and that’s why Taylor is trying right now to give him the benefit of the doubt and trying to work things out with him. But his reputation precedes him and it’s hard to believe Taylor will ever be able to fully trust Harry because the ladies just throw themselves at him and he does nothing to temper that."
Taylor shouldn't be so hard on Harry even if he did cheat. Every time he'd try to kiss her, she'd throw salt at him and every time he'd stick his hand down her panties, he'd find nothing but a large pile of Sluggo in there. What else what he was supposed to do?
PR relationships just aren't built to last anymore. Life & Style says that Taylor Swift is burning the lock of curls that she cut from Harry Styles' mop while he was sleeping, because their 2-month-long international slumber party has come to an end. Life & Style's source says their busy schedules broke them up, but The Daily Mail says that she drew a black X over the part of her Pee Chee folder that had "Mrs. Harry Styles" written on it after they got into a huge fight during their New Year's vacation on Virgin Gorda. If you click on one thing today, please click on this link that will lead you to the picture of Taylor Swift sitting all by her lonesome on a boat. It's the best and it's like Harry dropped her ass on that boat and sent her back to where she came from. Expect the lyric "I knew you were gay when you dropped me on Flying Ray" from Taylor Swift very soon.
The Daily Mail's source says that Taylor and Harry got into a huge fight on the island and she left on January 4th, just three days into their holiday.
"Yes I can confirm they have split up. They were on holiday and had an almighty row. They are two young stars at the top of their game so who knows what will happen in the future."
And that's that. I'm sure that before I even hit publish on this shit, Taylor will have already scheduled a hand-holding photo-op in the apple orchard with a new piece and I really hope that new piece is Justin Bieber. He's perfect for her. He's famous, white, probably can't grow pubes on his own yet and he's the ex-boyfriend of her best friend, so that completely fits in with her junior high school-like love life. And if Taylor gets with Justin, the Beliebers can stop fake cutting themselves over him being a baby stoner and start cutting their Taylor Swift voodoo dolls instead.
Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It's All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift's Fault!
It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!
But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.
Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER
I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.
taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff
but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire
If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.
But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.
Okay, Baby should be put in the corner this time.
At an after-party for Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles had the time of their lives when they did the Dirty Dancing lift on the dance floor. This would be okay if they had both snorted powdered Ecstasy or were ten shades of drunk, and did it as a joke. But you know they practiced this during one of their slumber parties and Taylor made the DJ play the right song and everything. They did this for serious.
Harry Styles had Taylor Swift's apple tart vagina that close to his face and she's looking up into the spotlights like she's Jennifer Grey, and he didn't drop her ass on the floor before picking up the phone to fire his publicist for setting this fake shit up? Molding pieces of bread into heart shapes to feed the ducks at Central Park during a staged photo op is ONE thing to do for attention, but doing the Dirty Dancing lift with Taylor Swift is another. At what cost is it worth getting a cover of Life & Style, Harry Styles? At what cost? I can't look at you anymore, Harry.
And in this picture, Taylor is totally saying, "Say, 'Nobody puts Taylor in the corner' one more time! Please. I won't make you tuck my Holly Hobbies dolls in tonight if you do."
via Heat World
Taylor Swift Takes Harry Styles For A Ride On Her Private Jet, Doesn't Invite The Other One Direction Twinks
Taylor Swift and One Direction all performed at Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night (pictures below) and they were all going to London the next day. Taylor Swift's flying unicorn must've been in the unicorn shop, because she took a private jet to London instead and invited her future ex-piece Harry Styles, but not the other One Directioners. So Harry had a choice. Harry could either slip into first class on a commercial plane with the other twinks in his group or he could sit on a private jet and let Taylor Swift braid his hair and sing him the song she wrote for her cat for the entire flight to London. Harry's brain must be made of cotton candy sludge, because he went with the Taylor Swift option. Some source tells The Sun that Harry's group mates are side-eyeing him something extra, because they think he thinks he's the John Lennon of the group. The source said this:
“Her presence has stirred tensions in the band as Harry’s now spending most of his time with her, and jetted into the gig on her private jet instead of coming in with the rest of the lads."
We all know how this story goes... Harry's going to spend more and more time with Taylor Swift, and then she's going to start hanging out in the studio while 1D records.... Then she'll start dropping her one cent in the recording studio and she'll tell Harry that he should make an album filled with cat songs with her instead. 1D and Harry will fight more and eventually the band will break up. Taylor and Harry will stay together until a fat Jared Leto shoots him. That's how it's going to go. Or Taylor's going to dump him next year when she starts dating Prince William's newborn baby. Yeah, that's probably how it's really going to go.
And I don't know why Lindsay Lohan is screwing around with that Max George ho. LiLo should be trying to get on Taylor Swift. Bitch has a jet!