Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

Earlier when I wrote about Sugar Bear and Mama June's Cinco de Mayonnaise wedding, I said that she would make the most beautimous bride the world has ever seen and she would redefine bridal elegance. I wasn't telling any lies. Looking like she's ready to hide in the forest and tackle an unsuspecting wild hog, Mama June walked down the aisle in her backyard today wearing a gorgeous gown custom made by Cabela's hunting store and bedazzled sneakers. Even Mama June's stack of pancakes chins look like they're glowing. She must've moisturized them with melted Country Crock. It's her beauty secret.

Mama June married her piece of 9 years Sugar Bear in front of TLC's cameras, the paparazzi and their friends and family in George today. Honey Boo Boo, Chickadee, Chubbs and Pumpkin were all in the wedding party, which looked like Halloween hitting candies wrapped in camouflage out of a piñata.

This is a redneck dream wedding and you can practically see the hillbilly angels blessing this beloved event with holy moonshine. I'll be disappointed if Mama June and Sugar Bear's guests didn't throw uncooked grits at them and I'll be really disappointed if they didn't skip the first dance and wrestle a possum together instead.

The makers of Mountain Dew fountains, flute-shaped Red Solo cups and pork rind-flavored edible garter belts were all out of jobs when Brit Brit canceled her wedding to Jason Trainwreck, but happy days are here again, because Mama June has come to the rescue!

TMZ says America's answer to Kate Middleton, Mama June, will marry her man Sugar Bear today in front of TLC's cameras. Guests were told to leave their cell phones and video cameras at home and the workers were told to do themselves up in their best redneck ensemble.

Sugar Bear and Mama June first met in an online chat room (I'm guessing the butter lovers room) 9 years ago and out came Honey Boo Boo a couple of years later.

Mama June's something old will be the cheese ball necklace passed down from generation to generation. Her something new will be the fresh fart she'll bust out at the altar during their I dos. Her something borrowed will be Glitzy's tiara. And her something blue will be her Forklift Foot when it really loses its circulation after she shoves it into a bridal heel. What I'm saying is that Mama June is going to be the most beautimous bride of the year (sorry, Kee-ERA!) And we'll all swoon out of our chonies when Sugar Bear kisses his new bride's luscious layer of chins, because he's too short to reach her mouth.

Fill your flute-shaped Red Solo cup with sketti sauce and let's toast to Mama June and Sugar Bear!

On last night's very special Halloween episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Mama June made Sugar Bear squirt out gallons of panty honey (or maybe, panty marannaise) when she dressed up like Marilyn the Hutt. The 7 year itch has been scratched. Where was a queefing subway vent when we really, really needed one?

via Too Fab 

As a southern US girl, I am often confronted with the "redneck" tag. Everyone thinks we all have no teeth and stand barefooted and bare-gummed in the front yard with a baby on each hip while our other 11teen children run amok underfoot. For some southerns that may be true, but let's listen to the wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy to sort it all out.

In OH NO HE DI'INT! news, Larry has thrown down the gauntlet (ty snowpiece!!) regarding what it means to be a redneck. In a video on TMZ, he says that YES he is a redneck. But NO he is not a Honey Boo Boo kind of redneck (fade to black, then to Honey Boo Boo Chile wiping the sweat and sketti sauce from her brow). OMG Larry. Trailers will burn, and tooth will chatter.

It's kind of funny that I have an inside look at all of this. No I am not a redneck, but I know Larry's kind of redneck and I know Mama Junes' kind. And sorry to shade on your parade Larry, but you are thisclose to being one in the same. Rednecks, while an adorable in some ways breed, share a common je ne sais quoi denial about their position in life. You are not a thinker. You are not savvy. You are a redneck. It's okay, revel in the simplicity of it all as you lovingly hand wash your flannel shirt with the arms cut off. We'll wait.

It's kind of like your family reunion, where your always too drunk aunt accosts your always too pilled out aunt about her life decisions. Beautiful, yet train-wrecky and misguided. And the best part is you get to laugh your too drunk and too pilled out ass off at it all, because you came prepared. Yeah, like that.

The shameless, whore-wrangling pimp who sold her prized pig's sex tape to the highest bidder and will gladly sell one of her younger daughters to a sheik if they don't bring in their monthly quota is calling out Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Apparently, Pimp Mama Kris thinks it's wrong that Mama June is whoring out her young daughter for money. Yeah, so save me a seat in the emergency room waiting room, because we'll all be there after we overdose on the irony in this post.

A source tells Radar that Pimp Mama Kris' eyes are usually green from always seeing dollar signs, but lately they've been green with envy, because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a big hit. PMK is threatened, because she's no longer the big pimp on the ho stroll. PMK believes that her family is nothing like Mama June's family, because the Kardashians are redefining class with every pinky they lift while sucking a black dick on camera. This is what the pot thinks about the kettle:

“To say Kris is not a fan of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is an understatement. She thinks the Thompsons are classless, unlike her family and can’t understand why America is so fascinated by them. Kris especially has a strong dislike for June, claiming the beauty pageant world is vile and that June is a bad mom for 'exploiting' Alana in that way. Kris think it’s all a ploy to make money, and says she sees through it and thinks it is absolutely disgusting."

The words "Would you like to buy my daughter's sex tape?" have come out of PMK's mouth before, so I totally believe that quote came out of her mouth too. PMK's Gopher-in-ten-cent-drag-looking ass is as delusional as she is shameless. But what PMK needs to see is that if you sucked all the plastic from her face, replaced her chin with an exploding can of Grands! biscuits, took away her millions of dollars, added 200 pounds of hardened pancake batter to her body and gave her a sense of humor, she'd be just like Mama June. They're the same. Pimps shouldn't piss on other pimps. Let the hos do that. Pimps should support each other. Say the oath with me, PMK: "Pimps up, hos down."

The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!

6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.

There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.

"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June 

"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June

"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June

"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June

"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile

"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June

And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.