Hot Slut of the Day

THIS police report Michigan's Trenton Police Department!


I am so happy that two Mondays ago, Florida took the day off and let Michigan bring the full-fledged foolery for a change. Everything about this police report is perfect from the romance by the horse area to the 67-year-old dildo sucker admitting that he's addicted (emphasis on dic) to dildos. Dude should be on Strange Addiction and the officer who wrote this police reporter should win a Pulitzer.

Narrative: On Monday, February, 11, 2013, at approximately 10:55am, I, Sgt. Allen was dispatched to Elizabeth Park by the horse area on a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo. The witness was in a blue car in the area.

Upon my arrival to the area, the witness, [name blacked out], flagged me down and pointed to the silver 4dr car turning from the parking area on to Elizabeth heading toward the exit. [name blacked out] said the driver drove by [blacked out] and was sucking on a dildo, it appeared to be upsetting to [name blacked out] and wanted the vehicle stopped and investigated.

I stopped the vehicle by the exit to the park. The vehicle was bearing [blacked out]/MI tag of [blacked out] with - vin of [blacked out], on a 2010 Ford Fusion, registered to [name blacked out], with OPS - [name blacked out], resides on [address blacked out].

Upon my approach to the driver's door, the driver was the only occupant and not wearing a seat belt. I also saw, a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat. I questioned [name blacked out] on what he was doing and [name blacked out] said, "SUCKING ON A DILDO, I'M SORRY." [name blacked out] admitted to having a problem with sex toys.

I arrested Mr. [name blacked out] for Disorderly Conduct in a public park. Ptl. Durbin transported [name blacked out] to the Trenton jail and processed him into booking. [name blacked out]'s car was towed by Lyons. [name blacked out] was issued a ticket #T612324 for Disorderly Conduct and no seat belt.

And I'm sorry, but you should never be sorry about sucking on a dildo. More importantly, how is giving a beej to a dildo in your car on a Monday morning a crime?! Doesn't "free" in land of the "free" also include sucking a plastic peen in your car on a Monday morning?

Source: TSG via Buzzfeed

Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, the gateway drug for every grade schooler!

If you show me a box of used up Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, I'll show you a 6-year-old who sniffed them all up and is now trolling the aisles of Blick art supplies store for their next fix. Mr. Sketch Scented Markers weren't banned at my school, but they were banned at some schools, because those things turned your average kid into a raging, slobbering markerhead. They'd sniff 'em all up and then they'd trade their lunch for another one.

One minute your first grader is sniffing the grape scent out of a purple marker and then next minute they're moving on up to the "crack of markers" Sharpie! They really should have a rehab program for Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addicts, because I'm sure many parents have walked into the bathroom and found their kid on the floor with green marker stains on their nostrils and blue marker stains on their tongue (because once you sniffed it, you had to lick it).

The Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addiction is a real addiction.

And Mr. Sketch even sounds like a drug dealer name.

Chuck and Wynona from The Amazing Race, season 500 (give or take a few seasons)!

Technically, this should be a Hot Slut (singular) of the Day since Chuck is clearly the hottest one. But Wynona chose to marry Chuck, so that automatically makes her equally as hot, because she has extremely hot tastes. The Amazing Race started again last night for the millionth time and they didn't really show much of Chuck and Wynona, but they're clearly the stars of the show. Chuck is the co-manager of a Walmart and taxidermy is his passion. Wynona thinks she's a lot like Lynette from Desperate Housewives and she also styles hair.

They obviously both know hair majorly. Chuck looks like a Cocker Spaniel with a tight curly perm and  he's like a real life Kenny Powers. Wynona looks like a more beautiful Suzanne Somers with way more gorgeous hair.

Thank the Gods of Beauty that these two have children, because their gorgeousness needs to be passed down to a younger generation.

The Dildomaker from designer Francesco Morackini!

Have you ever sexed herself raw with a cucumber and thought to yourself that it would've been soooooo much better if the cucumber was circumcised and had a head? Well, Francesco Morackini heard your genitals' screams and thought of a machine that will turn almost anything into a fuck-ready dildo! That candle sitting on your coffee table? You can fuck it! That weird Sir Charles the Dog wine bottle holder from the Bombay Company your auntie got you for Christmas? You can fuck it! That branch on the tree in front of your house? You can fuck it! You can fuck it all! The world is your dildo.

Francesco says on his website (via HuffPo) that he was inspired by the original hand-cranked Loewy pencil sharpener, which totally makes sense, because who hasn't looked at an old timey pencil sharpener and thought that it would be so much better if it circumcised that long stick of wood instead of sharpening it.

Sadly, the Dildomaker is only a concept and so for now, you'll have to settle for doing yourself with a regular old, uncut carrot. (Or if you're thinking that the Dildomaker would also make the perfect at-home circumcision machine, then you'll have to settle for circumcising you or your loved one with a regular old Ginsu knife for now.) If the Dildomaker ever makes it to stores everywhere, Francesco will have to change the name. Since Pimp Mama Kris has given birth to a bunch of dildos, I'm pretty sure her vagina already owns the rights to that name.

Pepsi A.M., the morning time sodie pop that was way ahead of its time!

About a week ago, Mountain Dew announced that this country really isn't classy enough, so they're going to class up breakfast by putting out a morning drink called Kickstart for the Mama Junes, Brit Brits and frat dudes of the nation. Kickstart is basically Mountain Dew with a little bit of fruit juice in it. Now you don't have to spend several minutes of your morning making your regular breakfast brew of Mountain Dew, two spoonfuls of powdered Tang and two crushed down Vivarin pills. Starbucks' sales will hit the bottom of the barrel, because Brit Brit and Honey Boo Boo are going to bathe, freebase and brush their teeth with this shit and that's saying a lot since I don't think they brush their teeth or bathe right now.

But way before Mountain Dew put douche juice on your breakfast tables, Pepsi tried it with Pepsi A.M. Pepsi A.M. was just like regular Pepsi, but it had 28 per cent more caffeine in it. So it was all sugar and all caffeine. Drinking one can a day in the morning would give you diabetes AND a meth addiction. America just wasn't ready for that, though, because it was released in 1989 and Pepsi stopped making it in 1990. It was a morning soda vanguard and I'm sure you can still experience Pepsi A.M. today by freebasing Pepsi with a little bit of speed in it.

Rogue, the 1-year-old Australian Cattle Dog who is a master at driving a Fisher-Price Power Wheels car. They see me rollin, etc...

These videos of Rogue's skills at work are over a month old, but it's never too late to pay tribute to a bad bitch who can handle a car better than a Lohan can (although, I'm pretty sure my ass lips can handle a car better than a Lohan can). Flame balls are falling from the sky and dogs everywhere are driving cars. IT'S THE END! But before it's really the end, can Rogue teach my chihuahua how to chauffeur a  Fisher-Price Power Wheels car, because I could use another designated driver.

via Arbroath

Lisa Dutton, the morning news co-anchor on Global Saskatoon and my new favorite news anchor on Global Saskatoon!

Lisa Dutton of Pick-A-Dick fame was giving the morning viewers a teething tip when she ended up giving them a different kind of tip instead. So if you still haven't gotten your piece a Valentine's Day gift (or if you're forever alone and still haven't gotten yourself a Valentine's Day gift), then go into your bathroom drawer, pull out your Sonicare, turn it around and there you go: instant vibrator! Just stick that big, fat rubber end in and let it hit the spot. Lisa's "How To Turn Everyday Household Items Into A Fuck Toy" segment totally needs to be a regular segment on Global Saskatooooon.

And the money shot in this clip is Kevin Stanfield making a "Howdy Doody jizzing in his undies" face. Happy VD, everyone!

A Little Bottle Of Poland Spring!

The little, tiny bottle of Poland Spring never gets any love. Whenever it's given out for free at conventions, orgies, on airplanes or whatever, people usually roll their eyes at it and say, "Ugh, that's barely any water. Give me two!" But the midget member of the Poland Spring family finally got its well-deserved time under the spotlight during Senator Marco Rubio's Republican response to the president's State of the Union aria last night.

The new Watergate was born when in the middle of his speech, Marco Rubio grabbed the Tommy Girl of water bottles and drank from it like he's never drank before. Some were guessing that Marco had the thirsts in a serious way, because maybe he snorted some bad coke before his speech, but it wasn't that. Marco just couldn't go another minute without putting his mouth around that beautiful, alluring and seductive bottle of love. Marco went low and his arm traveled a thousand acres to get to that tiny water bottle (seriously, was that tiny bottle of water on a doll's table in the next room?). Marco had to have it like it was filled with the liquefied kisses of his lovah.

And he doesn't even take his eyes off the camera while drinking from it, which tells you that during oral, he will never unlock his gaze from yours (do with that what you will).

Try to watch this without hearing this song in your head. Marco and his beloved tiny bottle of Poland Spring are my new favorite political it couple.

Caffrey, the two-legged Persian cat of Britain!

Everybody thought that Caffey would be a fluffy ball of sadness when he lost his left hind leg after getting ran over by a car 10 years ago, but he recovered quickly and was running around on three legs like he had four. Then four months ago, a malignant growth showed up on Caffrey's front paw and his entire leg had to get the Heather Mills. Caffrey's vet's colleagues all said that the pussy would have an extra shitty life if another leg was taken away, but his owner wanted to do the surgery anyway. Caffrey showed those hos, because it only took him a few days to learn how to balance and walk on two legs. Caffrey's owner Sue Greaves tells the Daily Mail that he hasn't let losing two legs get him down and he seems happier than ever.

My dog has four legs and can't run as fast as Caffrey can (but that's probably because he's really lazy and doesn't really like putting his paws on anything that's not upholstered). Caffrey can run a marathon and chase and catch after any of you hos, because he's a badass bitch. If Caffrey can run like Forrest Gump on two legs, then all of us can do anything. Well, almost anything. I can't NOT resist eating Toaster Strudel in the morning.

Hop, Caffrey, hop!

via Arbroath

The hot lady who threw a "somebody please point me toward the nearest trash receptacle because I'm about to barf out all of my internal organs" side-eye for all of us at the Grammys last night.

Yes, RiRi gets a tattered bronze star for giving an F U to CBS by letting her nipples be great. But I can't with her STUNT QUEEN ass cuddling up to Fist Brown like he didn't try to kill her ass a few years ago. That is why the lady throwing a major stank eye is taking me higher. Looking at that picture is like getting mouth-to-mouth to my soul. Fist Brown is being extra EXTRA and that lady isn't buying any of it. Side-eye lady, please speak for me from now on.